O level results came out with a C6, distinction for oral. It sucked i swear. Call me jealous and insecure... It's like this. I got my results and i was really happy i passed. I looked around for people i could rejoice with but all around i saw...they were with someone else. They all had someone they preferred to be with more. I couldn't mourn either, because those i wanted to confide in were crying themselves. I swear that was the first time...i felt alone in such a crowded hall.
The person i wanted to shout it all out to, was happy with another group.
The people i wanted to cry with, had their own to mourn with.
The person i wanted to talk it out to, was crying herself.
The person i just wanted to hold and let go of everything, to tell her that i missed her and i wanted beside me the most,was happy with someone else.
The person i needed the most, wasn't even in singapore.
I've never felt so selfish and bitter before... Like the clique. I felt like i wanted them all for myself, all for my entertainment. I never felt so confused too... I didn't even know if i should feel happy or down. All i remember was numb. Re-evaluated and...i didn't end up good either. All i recall is a nmemonic mess.
I want to focus on my exams and end it that way. I don't want emotions blocking me forever and always as if... I don't want them anymore. They change so quickly i get scared myself...and the higher the stress the more volatile i become. I don't want a relationship, someone to think of anymore or i'll end up a permanant patient.
One thing never changes. I still look for someone i can truly rely on... After numerous trust issues, prejudices and fears... I need a miracle or an idiot.
I get scared too.
Sunday, 25 August 2013
Wednesday, 7 August 2013
Hello august~
Talk about annoyed i swear.
I can't control my feelings as well as other people do. In fact, i'm starting to learn how to only direct it and not even use is intricately. Imagine what that vastness of emotional power can bring to me.
But this morning, don't know why don't know how, i woke up with a revalation in a dream. Kept dreaming of me learning how to fly an airplane. I guess i could interpret it as, i have to learn to fly, where to go and what to find. Realised how i've been just floating around, just being that thing that lets the waves flow me around. I found myself seriously, seriously sick of that. I'm gonna start putting things back into place.
First starts with the romances and finding a partner. I've been the sympathising one so many times. I dream of finding someone, who can be my listening ear, the person that could gain my trust and be my support. Kindness would be a bonus, looks would be surplus. I surprised myself too. I haven't stopped mourning since a year ago. I actually still miss you but i'm glad that at least you're happy with him. Seeing your sweet smile is just so heartwarming i guess... At the least i finally felt like i woke up for real. It's about time i start fighting for someone i want, instead of trying to be that someone people wants. I'm sick and tired of things the way they are. I give everything i have now to have a fresh start. Restart. Down to as if i never had a crush recently. I'll take the first move now. I've given up.
Next is well...life. I gotta stop letting things slide so freely. So much frustrations built up because of that and now...disgust to disdain. Hurt to anger. Frustrations to change. Need that thing to rely on because i know how weak i can get, how stubborn i can be, how sharp i can speak, how...deadly i can become. In a sense, i need someone to steer me in the right direction once. I feel like giving everything up. Feel like shit. Basketball, guitar and dance still manage to take all that off my mind for awhile. Just for awhile. I'l show you the setbacks from the disorders. One of which includes ridiculous speeds in changing feelings. Then comes the trust issues i have. Kinda no surprise i'm such a bore and chore.
And then...the chinese 7th month started. Yesterday in class i heard the dreadful gate scrap on rough floor...the opening of the gates. Whole of yesterday bugged by problems and little hickups, and even today i kept feeling ice water splashed onto my back when there really was nothing. It became a little creepy when i was shoved, and i was alone. Better than some people at least...
I don't know. All i know is this week will be really challenging, and this month is gonna suck soooooo bad.
I can't control my feelings as well as other people do. In fact, i'm starting to learn how to only direct it and not even use is intricately. Imagine what that vastness of emotional power can bring to me.
But this morning, don't know why don't know how, i woke up with a revalation in a dream. Kept dreaming of me learning how to fly an airplane. I guess i could interpret it as, i have to learn to fly, where to go and what to find. Realised how i've been just floating around, just being that thing that lets the waves flow me around. I found myself seriously, seriously sick of that. I'm gonna start putting things back into place.
First starts with the romances and finding a partner. I've been the sympathising one so many times. I dream of finding someone, who can be my listening ear, the person that could gain my trust and be my support. Kindness would be a bonus, looks would be surplus. I surprised myself too. I haven't stopped mourning since a year ago. I actually still miss you but i'm glad that at least you're happy with him. Seeing your sweet smile is just so heartwarming i guess... At the least i finally felt like i woke up for real. It's about time i start fighting for someone i want, instead of trying to be that someone people wants. I'm sick and tired of things the way they are. I give everything i have now to have a fresh start. Restart. Down to as if i never had a crush recently. I'll take the first move now. I've given up.
Next is well...life. I gotta stop letting things slide so freely. So much frustrations built up because of that and now...disgust to disdain. Hurt to anger. Frustrations to change. Need that thing to rely on because i know how weak i can get, how stubborn i can be, how sharp i can speak, how...deadly i can become. In a sense, i need someone to steer me in the right direction once. I feel like giving everything up. Feel like shit. Basketball, guitar and dance still manage to take all that off my mind for awhile. Just for awhile. I'l show you the setbacks from the disorders. One of which includes ridiculous speeds in changing feelings. Then comes the trust issues i have. Kinda no surprise i'm such a bore and chore.
And then...the chinese 7th month started. Yesterday in class i heard the dreadful gate scrap on rough floor...the opening of the gates. Whole of yesterday bugged by problems and little hickups, and even today i kept feeling ice water splashed onto my back when there really was nothing. It became a little creepy when i was shoved, and i was alone. Better than some people at least...
I don't know. All i know is this week will be really challenging, and this month is gonna suck soooooo bad.
Friday, 2 August 2013
Cherish.
Her hair was pressed to her face at every angle, clumped together and wet by very man who she thought she could trust , and yet all he could muster was,Cecelia, i'm sorry.
Her world broke apart in that very instant he said, we can't be together. She'd never remember herself feeling so down before. Here was her first taste of the bitter separation, like a slab of marble slammed home into her heart, splashing a brlliance of nervous sensations all over her body. She had just felt insecure that the guy she'd been dreaming of for so long, the one who said needed her, was really turning away from her. Her body felt hot from the tears and her frustrations made her want to smash everything around her. Through the wet hair she stares at the man before her, sore hurt turned to fiery anger, wild emotions channeled into distilled hatred. But truly she was not able to see the big picture.
He turned to walk away, a slow waltz frozen in time. Every step felt like eternity, every step another stab into her shattered heart.
On the other side of the street where he strides, he fell breathless gathering a crowd of curious onlookers.
A day. A week. A month. Time flew slowly for the lady, who'd never understood the six degrees of separation. She felt better everyday, a cruel restructure of her remnants. She'd found another man, another guy that would die to be with her. This boy understood that only feelings were needed in a relationship. Someone that only understood that much. She never felt happy with him and everytime she was down, her mind wanders back to that irreplaceable person, the one that taught her happiness and made her feel at ease for the first time around anybody.
"Ring"
Her phone lit up, with only one sentence from him.
"Goodbye, i'll see you. I miss you so badly..."
Throwing her phone down, she retired to her room to cool down but the more she taught about that particular message, the more...curious she got. She texted her best friend. And all she got in reply was,
"You were too late. He's gone yesterday"
She ran to the hospital. Covered in sweat Cecelia slammed the ward doors open and was greeted with a sight. Mikael was covered in the dreaded white shroud. For the second time in months she felt that delicate heart breaking that she had to stand the sight of him lying motionless knowing he would never sit up again. The doctor came in and told her, "he was already having heart disease for so long." and passed a note to her. It read in such beautiful italics...
"I don't know when you'll get to read this, or if you ever will. I had my reasons and if you get to read this, you'll understand. I'm really sorry. I miss you badly... I can't wait to see you again. I love you"
Cecelia broke up with John. She knew that even if she could find a man that made her happy, it'll never be the same again. It'll never replace that one man that could bring her happiness.
Her world broke apart in that very instant he said, we can't be together. She'd never remember herself feeling so down before. Here was her first taste of the bitter separation, like a slab of marble slammed home into her heart, splashing a brlliance of nervous sensations all over her body. She had just felt insecure that the guy she'd been dreaming of for so long, the one who said needed her, was really turning away from her. Her body felt hot from the tears and her frustrations made her want to smash everything around her. Through the wet hair she stares at the man before her, sore hurt turned to fiery anger, wild emotions channeled into distilled hatred. But truly she was not able to see the big picture.
He turned to walk away, a slow waltz frozen in time. Every step felt like eternity, every step another stab into her shattered heart.
On the other side of the street where he strides, he fell breathless gathering a crowd of curious onlookers.
A day. A week. A month. Time flew slowly for the lady, who'd never understood the six degrees of separation. She felt better everyday, a cruel restructure of her remnants. She'd found another man, another guy that would die to be with her. This boy understood that only feelings were needed in a relationship. Someone that only understood that much. She never felt happy with him and everytime she was down, her mind wanders back to that irreplaceable person, the one that taught her happiness and made her feel at ease for the first time around anybody.
"Ring"
Her phone lit up, with only one sentence from him.
"Goodbye, i'll see you. I miss you so badly..."
Throwing her phone down, she retired to her room to cool down but the more she taught about that particular message, the more...curious she got. She texted her best friend. And all she got in reply was,
"You were too late. He's gone yesterday"
She ran to the hospital. Covered in sweat Cecelia slammed the ward doors open and was greeted with a sight. Mikael was covered in the dreaded white shroud. For the second time in months she felt that delicate heart breaking that she had to stand the sight of him lying motionless knowing he would never sit up again. The doctor came in and told her, "he was already having heart disease for so long." and passed a note to her. It read in such beautiful italics...
"I don't know when you'll get to read this, or if you ever will. I had my reasons and if you get to read this, you'll understand. I'm really sorry. I miss you badly... I can't wait to see you again. I love you"
Cecelia broke up with John. She knew that even if she could find a man that made her happy, it'll never be the same again. It'll never replace that one man that could bring her happiness.
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