Friends..?

And i need you to know, my times of high are merely an illusion, my states of depression are merely a farce. I have everything to be happy for, the things i have and every reason to be sad, for all the people i lost but these things and people are no warrant for these highs and lows. And i'd hope you'll understand, some days i'm the most confident and i walk like i'm on top of the world and some days i stride with my head down wondering what went wrong with me. I hope you'll understand that i dont mean any hard words, i have no grudge against anyone and i will never mean any ill intentions when i prefer to protect than destroy. I hope you'll come to know me of more than just that popper or guitarist, much less the rumours spread by mouth about me and that i'm not the best friend anyone can have. And some days i feel so anxious and irritated inside i barely have any peace with myself. Some days i'd rather be dead and some days i wish she was by my side. I'm not that superman that can handle everything. I have ridiculous rest periods from everyone i need once in awhile and if you ever disturb me then well good luck to you. I've wished many times over that i was never down with this but a step too late, only have to live and cope. But i know that if ever you get so close to me, truly enough to know so much more the others can never tell, you might find out i'm a seasonal friend. Someone that appears more in times of trouble to help out than in spring times. I constantly find myself in trouble im not so much related to. This time is the re-transit over to the high. I enjoy the transit period the most. I feel.... Balanced and at my best.

And on a side note. This stupid injury in my left tricep is affecting my entire arm damn. I cant tick or strobe with my left side now sighs.

I'm so tired now i want to sleep for a week. Avoid dance, avoid my guitar, avoid society and just hide in my room and sleep for a goddamned week. I am that tired now but... I have to keep on training. I'm not ready to stop cus i have someone to beat. And till i beat him, i'm not resting.
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What happened..

Its yet another weird time for me to be up emoing about life. I dont know.. i was thinking about how some people would avoid certain topics so strongly and some things can be so raw to them even though they may not be affected by it. How some things i find out about someones life not because they tell me but how they react. Like how some people simply abhor the topic of parents, or maybe the idea of lonliness and stuff. Just made me wonder.. how 'close' am i to those people actually?

Then i remember, there was this group i was so close to. I could literally just tell anyone in that group anything and now, they feel really foreign to me. How close was i really, to them? I mean, there was a time i promised that if anything were to happen to them i'd be the first there. Now? For this group, it was a really selfish reason i guess... My bad. I isolated myself from them too much that now its irritatingly tough to go back to how things were. And not just them. Another 2 of my closest buddies, its almost like they turned on me after that few months of being in different schools. I dont know... So like for the group. It was because of one person and i lost contact with all of them. Then the other two... I guess these few days i was a little more down because of this. Different schools and different personalities. Looks like i really am not meant to fit in with them. And the people i want to tell and rant to, i dont want to bother them no matter how much they say i can. Instinctual actually... I know myself. When i rant i make no sense and i get overly emotional, then i get emotionally attached to the person, i become reliant and well, shit happens again.

From young i knew myself to be curious and always looking for more. Maybe a little too much back then, all i want to do now is actually... To settle down. Too much shit as the eldest. The high expectations were set by no one but me, for no one but me and on top of those, i still have the many commitments and the one bloody condition i always have this tug of war with and i'm honestly tired out of always looking out for others and worrying for others. Instinctual actually. Even if they are older than me.

Okay so back on to a lighter topic. Who am i kidding i dont have light and fun topics. Okay how should i start.. she's so pretty *spazz* okay this is kinda gay but i have to express it and here is a really familiar feeling about her that makes me feel really confident sometimes. Now if only i have the courage to ask...

Sleepless

So its a good 3am in the morning and my thoughts hasnt been running wild lately, at least not till today. Physically i'm so sleepy i want to just collapse for a few days and sleep but my mind and muscles... They want to keep moving. They know i'm pushing myself nowhere near the limit. Not even halfway there. The second day consecutive of pt, and my body feels like its taunting me. Strange feelings.

I dont like how... Its getting tougher and tougher for me to talk to people nowadays. My condition seems to be detiorating. I have... Social anxiety sigh i cant seem to be able to hold a proper conversation with someone else without getting distracted and feeling really fidgity inside. That and when i'm in a crowd, i feel really nervous and pressured. Looks like my dream may actually come true..

Anyway, i'm getting kind of pissed off with things around me. I'm losing close friends, history is repeating again. I guess thats why i cannot afford to be sentimental. It affects me so much more.. and especially when it comes to liking someone. Infatuations, crushes, liking the idea of the person. That's kind of... Annoying to me since theyre all happening around me so quickly.

'The hardest to love are those who need it the most'

I wanna rant to someone haha

I'm sorry..

I used to ask this cousin of mine, back then, why he had this really strange look about him. He was smiling but he looks tired and like everyone says, after you eat you should have all the energy in the world. But his eyes always had that shadow. And today at the mirrors, i saw that same look again, this time in me.

School isnt that much of a pressure yet. But the projects that i have to finish is making me worried and i'm stressed about one of my modules i might not make through. Then the fact that i've lost touch with my classmates to get over one person. The fact i've lost maybe one of the closest people i ever knew. I dont know... It never came to me but today it just smashed me again so hard.

I'm the eldest of the children in the family. In a sense, i took responsibilty over the younger ones at a very early age. That being put...influenced me to be more mature than most people. Siblings, cousins. Not to mention my family. Basically i was an introverted child put under huge pressure from all sides of the family. Stupid family politics.

Not to mention my condition(s)

These three got me in a pretty bad mood and plus i wasnt feeling well. I actually flared up... After such a long time. And right there and then i saw the same tiredness in myself and yeah, i understood. I never lose control this easily...

"The empty laughs, the vacant stare. You lose your appetite to your problems and mine to worrying, you lose your sleep to nightmares and mine to getting you to close your eyes. You spend the hours thinking about the past and i spend mine trying to make things better. I tried to give all i could till i was giving pieces of myself. Yet even when i'm left with nothing i would still give, to make sure you were alright.

And yet one day you suddenly went away. You said you understood the things around you that made you sad and you didnt want to lose me as a friend but then again, whats there of me left to gain,what's there left of me that didnt have you?"

I dont really dare to get close to anyone anymore. So if i ever do try or you can, please dont go.

Anyway, i've been pondering about this for a little while. What's true love? Its strange for someone my age to be debating about this. And looking across relationships of all ages, generations even i came up with the common thing. It was never how you felt or what you felt for another person. It wasnt so much about how you thought that the person was perfect but more towards how you treat the person when they have both nothing and everything, and more importantly what, and how much you give. The longest relationships and the strongest, never relied on the burning of love but the embers, the resilient warmth that lasts and this is the common thing. The couple never stopped giving. Here's the essential part. What are you giving?

I think i'm seriously giving up on dance. I'm at the stage where im not improving,i'm deproving instead and the passion is dying out. I look shitty doing popping and locking, even my animation nowadays deproved to the point i have no moves left. Urgh... This sucks. I'll be more than glad to help others.

Oh and i found a strange trait about me. I feel happier knowing a close friend is happy, than when something good happens to me. This is strange. I'm strange. Anyone strange with me? I'm seriously too kind. I want to find a day to isolate myself and spend quality time with that person. Depends on that day. I'm strange. Hehe

Sieghz

Look. I guess tonight i'm a little more.. irritated. I mean.. what happened? What happened to the times when guys would compliment a girl because of how he felt about her rather than because she was 'hot'. And what happened to times when people could be themselves because they didnt worry about other's judgement. Or like how..the thanks could have been given to the guy who held the door open for you, or even the person who took a little more time just for you. Maybe the person who stops in his tracks to ask you about your day, maybe the one who just has you in their mind all day. Perhaps even.. simply being able to sit down and talk about stuff all night. I'm not necessarily emo tonight, just a little more to missing the simpler stuff. The times when there wasnt so much to worry the times when i could tell friends things without really worrying and/or when i actually felt.. carefree. Come on. I miss more than that actually... I'm sick of seeing people assume and all that. I hate seeing people walk away after what i tell them. Please dont.. all i look for is just a simple, pure friendship.

I miss the times of old. Old fashioned romance and the drop-dead cheesy courtship. When chasing someone and sometimes a walk by the beach, a night under the stars. I dont know. I like the old stuff and i really miss seeing people do that. I miss seeing a couple. Not the lovey dovey kind, thats everywhere. I miss seeing the kind that they know they are faithful, and both sides knows how to act around everyone.

So like recently i've been getting irritated of late. Been really tired out and... Actually and ironically i'm losing interest in dance again. I keep on training and i keep getting demoralised. Like damn, i'm not fast enough i'm not good enough even though i'm breaking my body training. That aside.. i still want to find a day to just dedicate it to dance. Hopefully that can get me out of the plateau. Someone have personal self prac with me sometimes? HAHA

It sucks to like someone. What more, someone i dont dare to talk to sigh

Sleepyhead

Now i am burnt out. Physically, FB pt is nothing. I dont wear that crest to training for nothing damnit and mentally, im fine. Emotionally i stabilised. But still... I guess i'm actually just sleepy tonight HAHA but something is still nibbling at me. Some inkling of dangers coming.

I guess the time alone really did help. Finally, finally i got over her. I can look at her and feel nothing. Its really stupid damnit... To be so attached to someone i just met in a day. But to get over her really cost me a lot. I lost my closeness to my class clique. Hell i lost the closeness to almost everyone in my class except maybe those like me. It was a clique of 13. Not anymore.. but yeah. I guess i was the burden to the group. I dont want them to be worried anymore. Ah... I actually really miss them. I guess the time alone drew me back into my shell again cus.. its actually hard to talk to some of them now. Then again. I find trouble talking to anyone. What a strong lesson. How the hell do i get close to people now anyways???

Irony really. How is it that the trust i could give to one person could destroy any bridges i want to build with others. I dont know, maybe because people's been climbing all over my head so much i gotten used to it. Or maybe the fact that i have a good memory and everytime a similar situation happens i remember the past. I hate my memory really. The things that happened 3 years ago. The images are still crystal clear. Now to think of it.. i really do commit too hard and too much for my age. No wonder people say i'm already super mature for my age. Maybe not in all the ways. Some people say i resemble a 28 year old looking to settle down. Weird aint it. That and... Thanks to a few old problems and generally overthinking. The scenarios in my head... God damnit. The possibilities. The preparations for wars that will never happen.

Okay so like recently someone asked me this. Is it more important to love, or to be loved. This stunned me and well it took me DAYS to answer. Im a libran so... I debate with myself. Long and hard debates and well. I came upon a little quote by an unknown source.
'To ask if it is important to love or be loved would be to ask a bird, which is more important, the left or the right wing?'

And this has been pissing me off recently too. There's a reason its called an infatuation, or an eyecandy or whatever the shit some people called. It could be admiration from afar or simply at its most innocent, just liking the person. Not the relationship way. More like, look shes nice, i like her. More of the opposite of dislike than the like-like. So why the fuck... Is so many people telling me their opinions if i should chase her or not?

Burntout

I prefer to be heavier on writing because i dont like pictures and hey my emotions can be illustrated by words. My favourite way of doing so anyway.

Okay so now i'm practically searching for a partner. A dance partner actually. Someone i can train all out with, and really make it big in the future. A dream of mine would be a professional dancer.. and yeah. I'm itching for hard training and i'm itching to burn my body out for training. Because when i dance, the rare moments i feel i'm somewhere else and not on earth. That's what i want to feel heh.

Anyway. My bipolar condition has stabilised a lot lately. Turning the anger and pent up emotions into dance has been helping but the cycles still exist. Somedays i'm the most confident person, some nights i'm the worst trash imaginable. At least now... I dont take it out on people. Its like i'm scared to be close to anyone now. I mean, there was someone who earned more than just my trust and lost it in such a violent manner. How do i give my trust to others now.. true that i am looking for someone to confide in. But this simple task has such a daunting wall. Sigh...i rather no one try to come into this life of mine. As friends, yes but nothing more. After all, all i'm capable of is just making others sad. Its pathetic really. I support a hundred people but i crumble so quickly under one single thought. I'm the kind of person, i'd rather let my body collapse than let the mind of a friend fall. I dont know why i'm like this too..

"We accept the love we think we deserve"
I think thats really true. I observe 2 people and i see the differences in how they treat each other. Lets be serious here, first impressions to me arent so much about how you stand or how loud you speak. It's where your eyes look and how your head tilts when we first meet that tells me so much more and yes i am able to see much more.i see how... An introvert,the emotional and the other categories get different kind of attention and that says quite a lot about the person as well. Me for example. I prefer not to get any but i want just the special attention from the few people. That's why my circle is small. Just an example... But yeah. Oh another would be, i've always been looking out for people who are much more mature and those people naturally become my closer friends. Yeah..

This is fucking bullshit. Just like how back in may. Nightmares could keep me awake? Now theres a similar reaction once i think of her. Sigh... I cant sleep at all

I've been meeting

I've been meeting people of late, the kind that makes your heart skip a beat when you see them.

I've been meeting people of late, the kind that makes your heart flutter when their eyes light up.

I've been meeting people of late, the kind that makes you dream of a future with them.

I've been meeting people of late, the kind that makes you wish you'd met them earlier.

I've been meeting people of late, the kind that makes you want to love them for all they are when they cry.

I've been meeting people of late... The kind that i want nothing more than to see them happy. Even if i'd just met them.

It's such a peculiar feeling. To stand by to watch and do nothing while a friend hurts. That frustrates me. That builds inside me and i express it in among the more dangerous ways. I turn to yiruma to keep a certain edge away from the light of the world. I feel like.. a god damn time bomb.

I hate this side of me that always, i say i dont care. But look at me. What, i still defend fiercely. I still feel hurt. What is this bullshit.. and i want to defend. Instinct to me whenever i see someone so close sad. I want to be her pillar. I want to be his support but then again.. who am i to do so?

So now my feelings are well torn among... 4 people? This sucks..

3:2

I think what some people say to look in for a significant other, i guess my expectations are actually pretty damn high. I really do expect quality.. and separation is a weakness of mine. Grew up in that, my achilles heel you could say.

Someone who'd be weird with me when i am
Someone who' tease me for my favourite things and do them with me
Someone who'd sit under the stars with me when i'm down and out
Someone who'd be there
Basically someone i'm really happy to be with and vice versa. I love candlelight dinners. I love the old movie-dinner idea. The romantic walk by the beach. That stuff..

And just when i finally thought i found someone, i had to back off. Doesnt hurt but.. i dont know. These are messy feelings that wants to go in different directions, to different people at once. Dangerous emotions. I dont have a want to rely on others now. I have a want to slow down and yeah.. its almost instinctive that i want to settle down already. 3:22 in the morning and i'm suddenly thinking of you. I really like that sweet voice and the way your eyes light up but i hate how they dont anymore and.. i'm too scared to ask why. Sigh..

Ohwells.

Hi people. I think no one ever reads this anymore HAHA ohwells. I made some pretty drastic changes in my life over the hols. The immense, overbearing, crushing and relentless activities(i'm not kidding) gave me the silence in my head i needed to sort my thoughts out once and for all. The workload and stuff took the .
conscious side of me, and left me with a messy subconscious and if there's one advantage about a double personality, this is it. While ryan sorted out his work, i sorted out the mess he made. And now we are kind of.. and finally at peace with each other. Two weeks of silence and sorting. For starters, i removed the people he should not have in his life and made him get closer to those who he should keep. I think he gets my hints.
I cant fight the disorders. I can only influence and like the first time, i struggled with my life to find my happiness within the sadness around me. I fought and thirsted. I guess i'm happy the hard way.. but its something. And its something i treasure and i want to share with a special someone. Yeah.. i learnt that sometimes it might actually be the right choice to keep a distance from everyone. I mean, i wont let anyone get wrecked by him anymore..2 is enough. I wont let anyone see him unless well, i am so close to this person. Strangly, he is going to come out again this week. I often surface when ryan doesnt want to see the world. And more often than not, he doesnt want to see anyone but a certain girl.

Derrick is my polar opposite. Violent, destructive, cold and dangerous but i finally regained the control. To seal it down.. almost there. Anyway. Some people have disappeared and for them, i'm actually prettt happy.
Well the second is that im moving into hardcore dance mode. I just injured my triceps attempting to hit harder and harder and now i probably cannot dance for the next few days. Yeah... But this. I finally found a place i belong.

My gosh. All of a sudden i really want to talk to her :/ i find her smile really...contagious. ohwells.