I used to ask this cousin of mine, back then, why he had this really strange look about him. He was smiling but he looks tired and like everyone says, after you eat you should have all the energy in the world. But his eyes always had that shadow. And today at the mirrors, i saw that same look again, this time in me.
School isnt that much of a pressure yet. But the projects that i have to finish is making me worried and i'm stressed about one of my modules i might not make through. Then the fact that i've lost touch with my classmates to get over one person. The fact i've lost maybe one of the closest people i ever knew. I dont know... It never came to me but today it just smashed me again so hard.
I'm the eldest of the children in the family. In a sense, i took responsibilty over the younger ones at a very early age. That being put...influenced me to be more mature than most people. Siblings, cousins. Not to mention my family. Basically i was an introverted child put under huge pressure from all sides of the family. Stupid family politics.
Not to mention my condition(s)
These three got me in a pretty bad mood and plus i wasnt feeling well. I actually flared up... After such a long time. And right there and then i saw the same tiredness in myself and yeah, i understood. I never lose control this easily...
"The empty laughs, the vacant stare. You lose your appetite to your problems and mine to worrying, you lose your sleep to nightmares and mine to getting you to close your eyes. You spend the hours thinking about the past and i spend mine trying to make things better. I tried to give all i could till i was giving pieces of myself. Yet even when i'm left with nothing i would still give, to make sure you were alright.
And yet one day you suddenly went away. You said you understood the things around you that made you sad and you didnt want to lose me as a friend but then again, whats there of me left to gain,what's there left of me that didnt have you?"
I dont really dare to get close to anyone anymore. So if i ever do try or you can, please dont go.
Anyway, i've been pondering about this for a little while. What's true love? Its strange for someone my age to be debating about this. And looking across relationships of all ages, generations even i came up with the common thing. It was never how you felt or what you felt for another person. It wasnt so much about how you thought that the person was perfect but more towards how you treat the person when they have both nothing and everything, and more importantly what, and how much you give. The longest relationships and the strongest, never relied on the burning of love but the embers, the resilient warmth that lasts and this is the common thing. The couple never stopped giving. Here's the essential part. What are you giving?
I think i'm seriously giving up on dance. I'm at the stage where im not improving,i'm deproving instead and the passion is dying out. I look shitty doing popping and locking, even my animation nowadays deproved to the point i have no moves left. Urgh... This sucks. I'll be more than glad to help others.
Oh and i found a strange trait about me. I feel happier knowing a close friend is happy, than when something good happens to me. This is strange. I'm strange. Anyone strange with me? I'm seriously too kind. I want to find a day to isolate myself and spend quality time with that person. Depends on that day. I'm strange. Hehe
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