Burntout

I prefer to be heavier on writing because i dont like pictures and hey my emotions can be illustrated by words. My favourite way of doing so anyway.

Okay so now i'm practically searching for a partner. A dance partner actually. Someone i can train all out with, and really make it big in the future. A dream of mine would be a professional dancer.. and yeah. I'm itching for hard training and i'm itching to burn my body out for training. Because when i dance, the rare moments i feel i'm somewhere else and not on earth. That's what i want to feel heh.

Anyway. My bipolar condition has stabilised a lot lately. Turning the anger and pent up emotions into dance has been helping but the cycles still exist. Somedays i'm the most confident person, some nights i'm the worst trash imaginable. At least now... I dont take it out on people. Its like i'm scared to be close to anyone now. I mean, there was someone who earned more than just my trust and lost it in such a violent manner. How do i give my trust to others now.. true that i am looking for someone to confide in. But this simple task has such a daunting wall. Sigh...i rather no one try to come into this life of mine. As friends, yes but nothing more. After all, all i'm capable of is just making others sad. Its pathetic really. I support a hundred people but i crumble so quickly under one single thought. I'm the kind of person, i'd rather let my body collapse than let the mind of a friend fall. I dont know why i'm like this too..

"We accept the love we think we deserve"
I think thats really true. I observe 2 people and i see the differences in how they treat each other. Lets be serious here, first impressions to me arent so much about how you stand or how loud you speak. It's where your eyes look and how your head tilts when we first meet that tells me so much more and yes i am able to see much more.i see how... An introvert,the emotional and the other categories get different kind of attention and that says quite a lot about the person as well. Me for example. I prefer not to get any but i want just the special attention from the few people. That's why my circle is small. Just an example... But yeah. Oh another would be, i've always been looking out for people who are much more mature and those people naturally become my closer friends. Yeah..

This is fucking bullshit. Just like how back in may. Nightmares could keep me awake? Now theres a similar reaction once i think of her. Sigh... I cant sleep at all