Round two

I swear i started the last day of April in the worst way, the worst day of the month. Couldn't sleep till 3, woke for no reason at 6. Then i went to school and forgot what caffeine does to me... Yes i got sleepier throughout. Then the stupid BSA class. Okay... Then as class ended i felt even more tired and i didn't want to talk to anyone. I only wanted to dance or play pool or sleep and nothing else. Guess i could get home and shortly aaron came and damn was i electrified the whole evening. Aaron and glenson. I swear i miss them. It sucks not being in the same school as them... I mean with them. I can't be any happier, be any more myself, can't be any more transparent. For good reasons too. And it's like, they're not people some father can replace, some lover can substitute. Only because of them i understood 'Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb'.

And it was aaron tonight that sort of saved me. I was on the verge of a full relapse and his presence could remind me why i survived the first round and how i recovered the first time. He was the person that showed me that it's okay to lean on others but not too far . In short, you don't need anyone else to live,and yes i really agree. And that could remind me that since this relapse is coming, i can survive this and i won't fall back into the old problems. And since i could muster enough to stand up to the first, this round will be the same. I'll find the peace i so carefully wove out of the many people in my head.
He's probably also the reason i still breathe today. Yes he is full of flaws but he had the simplicity, another way to look at life that i so damned needed then. I mean, i wasn't just fighting depression. And i remember at the peak , even though there were periods of blank memories he and a few others appeared in my head. My mind wanted out. My heart screamed at me to stay. Especially him, glenson and...a girl. So they reminded me that i survived round one. I will be more than enough to face round two alone. This time without fully isolating myself. Unless ofcourse... The current people who knows betray me. God knows what could be my reaction... I do thirst for blood sometimes.

I'm seriously tired i swear. This short post is sooooo long. Relativity^^

It's been a while...

Tonight. My heart really, really hurts. People i regard closest to me are in trouble, feeling down and all over the place and i can't do a thing about it. Friends i so carefully tried to bond with, simply fell apart. And the people i hate are all hounding me.

And these are all really big things to me. I knew no parent, only friend. It seems i carved a parental instinct out of nothing only to have it backfire on me. Was i really thinking too far back then... But still the worse is. As a brother, i can't do anything but watch. I see the fluctuating emotions of theirs, i see the tears but encouragement is the best i can do and no, that's not the only thing i'm supposed to do. As a friend i'm not supposed to watch and see people fall apart and do nothing. I want to know at least i goddamned tried and if things don't work out then so be it but not over some small matter that can be resolved face to face. I'm sick of seeing close friends DISAPPEAR. So i'm hanging on to my two closest bros. They're the only people i can tell everything to and i'm glad that tomorrow... I can rant. And to people i hate well... I shouldn't have to say much. One betrayer. Riled me so hard i lost control of my emotions...

And i was pretty adept at controlling my emotions. I started off a numbed boy since i could ever remember, lost control once at sec 3 and at least i could finally when i ended sec 4, i guess maybe because i put all my emotions down and suppressed the deeper ones(?). Then by orientation it was kind of leaking... Then by 18th i lost all control when i severed ties with this guy i trusted so much. Pretty big a hit i guess...and my emotions stirred again. And guess what's my strongest emotion in there. Love ..
So i was kind of struggling and just last week i finally told myself that, fuck it i'm just gonna stay single. I don't trust myself with anyone anymore. I used to be able to see myself with someone else and that was before the 1st day of school but it turned into just me, rolled up on the floor in the dark, speaking to myself and shivering. I don't want a round two in that place...

Funny because by the end of last week i could convince myself to not have any romantic feelings for anyone. Tonight it was released again..
And in order to disassociate myself with those feelings i have to go through that stupid isolation period. More mornings of feeling extremely tired, more nights of being really alone and shit. I just pray that that in this time that everytime i go MIA... The people i'm worrying will be okay at that time. I think the reason i'm so upset now is because of me not being able to help them.

Sometimes i wish i was a harsh person. A more emotionally stable person, a more coldhearted person. I wish i wasn't someone who would be so easily attached and over commited. I feel stupid for that sometimes. I feel stupid to have my emotions fluctuate this hard this quickly.

It's stupid right? To cry over two friends having an argument?

Paranoia

And here we have another idiot questioning the power of a depressed mind. So those skeptics think that depression is but a 'farce' and a 'bloody excuse to be excused from fights' but no. I mean, depression is almost present in everyone, only a matter of degree of presence. But i've seen, and in myself the full effects of things and there are somethings i swore i never want anyone else to feel. No. It's not the worst when you're tired from all the bullshit in life and you want to die and how you're cutting and all to escape the pain. That is actually a mild case... A serious one would be along this line; i'm too tired from wanting to die,to even think of wanting to die anymore. Or like, being numb. When i say numb, i mean even the senses being numbed. My eyesight shortens, my hearing detiorates and my mind stops and there's this anxiety in my heart and no matter how you try, you just can't cry. Then, my mind was a blank and had empty spaces everywhere. That was among the problems i was afflicted with.

Paranoia is like this. You're in an unknown forest, with a path. You walk down the path slowly... Slowly. There's a bend. You follow the path and it seems forever. The forest is silent... You reach a fallen log and you go around it. You keep walking and it's another bend... Something in the forest moves, but you ignore. You keep going and look! It's the fallen log again. You wonder what's happening and you quicken your pace. You start thinking of your family. The city, the person you're so close with. You remember your ailing parents... The look in their eyes when you stormed out of the house. A rustle and a shadow seems to be moving. You just want to get out and you start running... Another bend. It's the fallen log again. The shadows seems to be alive, coming closer to you. The rustles turn deafening. You feel like you've ran for weeks without stop but all you want to do is to get out. The bend. The fallen log. Now the trees are moving, distorted and coming closer to you. The path narrows and the shadows inch in. You trip over a brance and as you lay you feel something on your ankle. A root of a tree has wrapped around and now all the trees are coming closer... You feel the tendrils all over but you're too scared to move. It starts to cover from leg up... Suddenly it's at your chest... Suddenly it's over your face as you're locked in a silent scream.
Then someone from reality calls you awake.

So far i'm still doing really well controlling that side of the emotions but recently it's starting to leak out. Hiding emotions as needed is quite easy, but i still cant hide my instincts. My..boyfriend-ish and parental instincts are really annoying when they come out at the wrong time. All the brighter emotions are free but all it takes is one person... That when i lean on her i know everything will come out. I'm still scared i guess... Why did i have to know you. I learned to laugh and i learned to cry but i don't know if i will ever learn to say goodbye. If there is any problem with me, it's always overattachment to something, someone or somewhere.

Tonight i'm tired and i've let my guard down. I've already bared my fangs to a few people
And no more please.

Just when i feel the urge to TALK to someone again. I don't understand why my feelings are piling up so quickly out of a sudden over someone... A stupid amalgamation of guilt, fear and worry. Enough to make that... Tangible pain in the chest.

Exploded, still going.

The catalyst was his presence at the bbq.. When i saw him all my anger came up and formed a cold, black mass at the base of my stomach like a bomb. And it all exploded out in a flashy rush of emotion and memories. Nostalgia of all forms appeared with their representative colors in a fan in my head. Rage, sadness, and the sorts and i remember how tired i was afterwards and i realised, that's the first time i felt that kind of utter betrayal and utmost disgust to someone i once considered a brother, for having broken up and immediately having designs on my sister. I never had my parental instincts kick in so hard before... And i never felt rage more pure than that. Empowering, definitely. Draining, obviously... And it's been 4 days since i've felt good. Like, really happy inside. I've lost another brother, what's there to be happy about? It's gonna be another period of mourning inside. I've lost all motivation and drive; it's like that episode of anger shook my whole internal compass. That's for making a move on my sister, on my friends, and to the girls you did it with. But now... I'm absolutely disappointed with him. I feel real sick and tired of losing people i forged such strong bonds with already..and i've let moss grow on where i used to frequent. Losing another friend sucks okay... Reminiscent of 2012. I only hope he can grow up and out of this. There are people who died for the same cause he's dripping a few tears for. He better be grateful...

Anyway... School is starting. I miss pds and i miss going ice skating most of all. Well...i'm not as strong as i like to be it seems. I (actually) miss the rgs peeps and how cheerful they are.. I miss knowing the next day is guaranteed. I miss the feeling of being safe in arms and definitely this, the connection between two hearts. So far... Nevermind. I want to go back to TKD again...

I'm kind of happy to start class with my current class. They are a really nice buch and already pretty bonded in just a week. Wow... Later is gonna be such a rush. Computer roadshow fair, school, back to secondary school and so on and so forth. Tomorrow will be tiring definitely.

And with all the emotions recently released in such a forceful way my mind hasn't been able to get any rest. The vestiges of emotions are all still that strong to stir up my mind. My instincts as a guardian is for real, i mean. There is this girl that i'm quite( actually just a little) attached to now and... It's always the people who tell me their problem that i have these issues with. Rant to me and you'd get a free listening ear/ protector. Retarded ain't it.

Cheesy dramas

Irony of life. Today i went out with this... Angel again. It's really weird when i call her an angel because she's the first. And i noticed something too. I'm finding more and more people that i know i like in my age. Aye so it seems... I do belong to a more mature crowd. Anyway...

Today we went to bugis pretty late. Around 4 i guess? I started out aching all over because dance practice and PT Has no nice aftereffects. So we walked around and only Cherin was buying stuff._. Syazana and JingJie were chatting at the back and i was settling some wars of my own. Went through bugis junction and bugis street, err then there was us heading to pastamania for dinner. I say... What we chatted there should stay there HAHA we were telling JingJie what girls would do if they like a guy. Or more like i was telling him and the girls suspecting if i'm actually a guy. Then... How cherin got together with her boy and my past woooo. The stupid rain made it a little hard to get to scape but hey... I broke my rust. My hits now look horrible. I think i'm fully unrusted and ready for the foreign bodies audition i'm gonna get in and dance my heart out. Woo cherin is going to go in too if she tries out. Her dance is amazing... I guess then on the way home syazana and jingjie went off first and it was just me and her and she ranted some stuff to me and i'm kinda glad. She does trust me a little, which is good progress as new classmates so yeah. It's a pretty small clique, i think it'll expand again so yeah. Already 1/5 of the class is a group and i hope it can be 1/3 hehe.

And it seems today was much like yesterday. Anger claimed my day, sadness claimed my night and confusion claimed my heart. The feelings for two different people always brings about a strange neutrality, like splashing water onto a fire. All that you're left with is smoke... Cus yeah. I did have feelings for two people at once, one before the other and when both together it just extinguished. But one seems to be rekindling. Cus i can imagine a future with her and... I want to make it happen. I guess i always have a soft spot for girls who rant to me. I always have the tendency to want to protect them somehow and she's no different. It's like some cheesy drama. The bad boyfriend, and the other guy trying to chase her but not wanting to break her up. I'm just like the latter now... Or maybe i'm thinking too much into things. I guess she just treats me like any other friend? It's too early to say...

And to the man slut. Please watchout on monday. Things will happen.

Anger and fear

So poly has started. At least my orientation is over. Hey i know about half my class now? Theres like dominic engyee Wai Ling JingYun Syazana Alyn Cherin Aiwen Keith JunHeng Hilman Hanis Annabel Felicia JJ and the other half... Maybe time will tell hehe. I'm pretty tired woo and i've chosen my cca. I wanna get into foreign bodies or the guitar club. I miss dance and performing and hearin the crowd cheer.

Now... Going back to my old haunts feels unbelievably foreign to me now. Goin back to peirce feels strange. Doing PDS is still the same ohwell but going back to peirce, going to hub, going to rgs all feels really strange. It's like i'm not supposed to be there again, anymore, never to be seen there again. All the people i used to be so close to feels... Distanced. I miss that closeness and the times. I miss secondary school. I miss the feeling of feeling safe and laughing while freely doing all the stuff i like. Heh... Maybe i'm just traumatised about going into poly and i hope it's just that.

So the past few days i got really, really angry at a guy. Seems like he just broke up and he keeps getting back with the girl. Nothing wrong with that right? But in that time he tries to get close to different girls, multiple girls, at the same time. Now don't get me wrong, i don't see a problem in that either. But when i say close, i mean, he already asks for their boyfriend criteria, whether they are single, whether they have an eyecandy and if you do that you're scum. Scum of society. Even worse, he did it to my sister. If it were other girls i'd be already that pissed and he took it to my sister. So i said that if i know of one more girl that he does that to i will just flare up and blast him in the face in school for being a fucking jerk, a desperate playboy and a bloody fuckhead. If you can't be in a relationship, dont beg other girls please. Even worse, how you kept saying you were useless and shit. It's fucking disgusting. Who wants to date a guy who can't even be clear whether he is single or not? I guess the thing that riled me was the fact he went for my sister. You touch her, you're dead. To go as far as to ask to go home with her when you don't even know her well? To the other girls, you'd ask for their number without their permission? I call these type of guys, the disgrace to men.

All these relationship thing...
It's too complicated. Too much expectations around. One small matter could lead to a breakup because of accumulated emotions. Coming in poly... I had no intention of finding a girlfriend. How was i to know that the moment i stepped in i would see one that i wanted to chase so much... But nahh. I don't think i'm that good anyway. I want to clear this three years quietly without anyone reminding me of the past. That talk about psychopaths... Startled me i guess. I found another girl and her responses makes me a little suspicious. Is she psychopathic too? I mean if she was... Great. Maybe now i might find someone i can relate to now. And i guess i finally put down the past. But it will keep coming back, there's no cure for my past conditions. I guess i need to keep getting stronger and better. Someday i want to be a pillar of support for someone too- only hopefully soon. And i want it to last for years. Till i get married and beyond, that kind of last. I don't want another relationship where things last for a few months and vanish because the first time that happened, i'm still not over the phobia and i still have intentions of becoming a bachelor. Or never even living to that age to be named a bachelor... Psychopathic behaviour always intruigues me.

I'm really tired. Physically. Mentally i'm still kinda on the high term and...
It should be dropping down soon sometime next week.

Tired, just tired

Well if it isn't this scenario all over again. Before something big or new happens the night before will always be unusually emotional. Fears and dreams and the likes. I can't goddamn sleep...

So... Someone told me that to be with someone your dreams, your ambitions, your values and your upbringing must be at the least similar. It's tough enough to find someone who is compatible, let alone with small differences. That... There would be lesser conflicts and the sorts. I think it's going to be an even rougher journey for me to find someone like that. My ambitions... Are not of those to settle down early. My values are crafted out of ridiculous internal battles and silent lessons, how many would've walked down a similar road to me? And upbringing... Let's not even go there. My flaws are plenty. The only thing i really have is this mind and that's nothing to be really proud of. And here i am... Looking for someone who is mature, capable and a thinker herself. Even if i do find a person like this, i'm still not confident of being with the person. So many fears.. The biggest obviously being unconfident of myself. Hmm come to think of it... All the stuff i painstakingly built up and forged walls, all were stripped bare after i met a certain someone. But that same meeting reminded me of old memories, things i spent months putting into my subconscious. Things i tried long and hard to forget. Images i never wanted to see again.. Tsk. This love shit is taking too much out of me i should just let things be i guess. One of those walls i built up was to control the flow of my conscious emotions and... It's gone now and... Ahhh. At least i know how to deal with it now.
Things like, looking down 25 storeys in a blur. Drowning and bubbling. A gas stove left open in a shut house. The knife scraping the skin on the neck. The hammer pointed to the head. Just some things.. I could've finally put them down had i had more time before i started seeing you in that light. I'm not finished with old business i see..

I just wish that disasters won't happen again in poly. Maybe now...i'll just play the quiet, reserved person. Or i shall let my mood decide..

Weird thoughts

After my feelings were 'revived' in a sense and they started running amok in my head... I started thinking of this. I am super, super old fashioned oh gosh i think sometimes i fit the dynasty ages or the dark ages. That a man must drench his slate in blood protecting the ones he loves and he must not die upon the tongue of another but by the sword of his enemy.
He must not waver in the face of a beast but must lay his sword down for his lady. Okay from young i really really liked the ideas of knights and swordsmen because i always found this tradition really cool. That all men must be a gentlemen, In any age because uncouth behavious to a girl is extremely looked down upon( Unless she was an absolute bitch in public, that would warrant a slap and the crowd cheering for the man). Robin hood and the sorts. So from ancient times to the modern times it has evolved from the knights on the right of the fair maiden, to the swordsman that escorts his lady through the forests, to the butler that holds doors open for a lady to go before him to a masquerade ball, to a man that walks beside her, holding car doors open and stays a step below her on stairs lest she falls. I think it can be really really attractive when a guy knows how to treat his lady. It's getting rarer and rarer when along the streets you sometimes see girls throwing themselves to guys and guys tossing girls around like ragdolls and toying with them. Oh oh i really like that time when the man invites his lady for a masquerade ball dance. I like this part woo
The man gestures towards her and he asks 'May I?' as he puts his hand out and she takes it, joining him in the dance. Kings and Queens would gather to make merry and drink wine in the castle as jesters and musicians would play and joke and finish up with the festivities. I think that should be the 1800's of the English? Now i question... How old am i...

I found this really weird insecurity. Only after countless dreams and visions. I'm insecure about not dying earlier...
Wherever i walk, i just need to see something even a little dangerous and hundred over hundreds of morbid scenes starts playing in my head and hundreds of ways to die starts to play. This was pretty terrifying at the start. I think it started somewhere along the start of this week. I started seeing accidents and one by one they would happen to people around me and not long after i starting to wonder when and how i would die. I mean everyday i can feel something dangerous is going to happen to me soon. Maybe that's the reason i keep doing dangerous stuff hehe. This seriously isn't normal is it. I feel like i've made my impact and it will slowly spread and... I'm not needed here anymore. Not that i like the singaporean society that much anyway. Now that i think of it... Maybe all the negativity from other people are rubbing off on me. Like i'm cheering them up and their sadness glues onto me cos i'm a down magnet. I'm attractive in that sense oh gosh sorryhaha.

But hey i've put the rest of my emotions back into place like i don't blush uncontrollably when some embarrassing things happen or i don't spazz weirdly that much and and my heart doesn't stray off anymore. Kind of like frozen and it's a warm fuzzing when i think of her and a few other things. I like it this way. Not having control but having influence. I don't like people having full control over things. Come on where would the fun be in that?


NYP orientation is next monday. How should i feel? I have so many questions i want answered. How will this life be like in NYP? How will the class be like? Will the people be nice? Will i be happy there? Is there anyone i will be able to create really strong bonds with anyone there... Because starting school with NOBODY you know is kind of scary. Worse still i'm an introvert. So... The orientation is gonna be so awkward for me. I'm quite a strange person. Hehe the course i'm in needs me to be a good talker. I'm anything but that... Not with my current state of mind heh.


My gosh why am i taking so long to recover. Since comp... I'm still down with flu. If only..

HEY HEY. 2048!

Thinking too far

"A moment precious is a moment past"
-Me

I guess it's time to stop playing around. Damn just a few days without a proper entertainment got me this complacent. Gotta get my feelings back in check too. Need to stop letting it run all over the place.

It never hit me this hard before. At the end of the sheltered poly years i'll go into NS. Now that isn't all that scary because i'm from NCC afterall and i hope i'll be a PES C hehe but i'm gonna enter MP and do PDS to my heart's content. Strange eh. Last year j just wanted to be an air commando, doing parachuting and shit and all that cool stuff but now (Thanks to a few people) i actually like doing pds more now. So after that is University. How many years will be spent overseas, without anyone i know in a foreign land and i need to pay for all my expenses and save because i'm not good enough for scholarships. Urgh... Then get some degree and come back to( i might not even because sg sucks) get a job. I believe it will be along the service line or the side of psychiatry and psychology. Hey i get to play guitar too :D maybe ican form that band properly. I just lack a singer... Hmm. Starting from the 21st i'm gonna start school rather alone. Ah... This kind of sucks. Then again it's a new circle for me to experiment so why not. Maybe i'll have a new clique or something then after that i'll have some secondary school reunion. I guess most of them i'll pretty much alone. I'm not the type to be scared of lonliness or anything but along the way i'd just like for someone i can confide in, that kind. Not even a girlfriend kind of close. Just one person to talk to me along the way, to understand the pains along the way. I guess in the previous schools i did have someone. I hear so many rumours about how it's already a dog-eat-dog world there and i'm here just a little... Ah. In the service line i'm going to meet more people and i need to learn to interact with more and more and a wider variety of personalities. I don't like new things damn. I wonder what life would be like in, and after poly.

So this word 'eligibility' struck me today. I don't really bother about that but i don't know why it's among the first few things that comes up when considering someone. Like will she feel embarrassed because he "was from a neighbourhood school" or "he can't study" or " no background". I want to make my significant other proud too. Maybe i'm still a little immature about this. I wonder ...
I kind of wonder what it would be like to have the girl initiate certain things. I mean it's like a stuff of legend to me and i tend to stray off my thinking so... I mean it is sweet in it's way. But not all the time or the guy would be useless :P and one more point a guy must have. Chilvary. J is it like dead in our society nowadays? I rarely see it in any way...

I wanna go catch a movie. I wanna play guitar and have hardcore practices. I wanna ice skate again. I wanna play pool again i wanna do pds till i'm half dead again i wanna have a barbecue i wanna go on a candlelight romantic kind of date i wanna cycle up and down ecp i wanna lie down under the stars with her and just watch the night pass and enjoy the view i want to travel the world. Wanderlust ^^ but the people i want to do it with... All have their own paths.

"If you want to succeed as badly as you need to breathe, then you will succeed."

Strange how in my whole blog there is only one happy post..

Rise before the fall.

I'm truly a night owl heh. 2 AM and it's not like my mind is running wild. Urgh looking at yesterday's post makes me feel so embarrassed. But where there is a rise, must come a fall. Never fails to hit me like this. Just because i was really hapoy yesterday and it can't last... What's new. What's with this feeling. Am i too numb that i'm not even sure of my feelings? Or has the kick not come in yet? Because i'm only starting to feel the full bittersweet of things and it's going everywhere. I'm not too sure... How i'm feeling. Like i want to talk to her, chat with her as if we were best of friends but at the same time i don't want to face the fact that she's not and i'm not even trying. I guess i'll need some quiet time to figure out... I want her to be happy too.

I remember how when i first stepped into the school i told myself that the furthest and the most i would go for them would be minimal. At the most i would feel a little attachment and that there would be absolutely no feelings for any of them. I was still capable of freezing my feelings and i still am but why didn't this one go through... I forget everything when i'm doing drills( i moved on from 'pds' into a fancy driller) and at that time i use it to reorganise myself but no. I don't quite understand. Am i still thinking of myself as a robot aha when i was younger i would think myself as the emotionless butler in a tailcoat, the silent, quiet person at the side in service of others, much like a tool. It's improved a lot now although... I do wish i was emotionless sometimes. Well SOMETIMES. Hmm what should i do... I wonder. Poly is starting ahh new school new life new everything. Familiarisation is such a chore i swear. I hate to get to know new stuff most of the time but i hate routine. Weird aren't i. How unstable will i be in this period... Err i guess pretty off the charts.

"I understand when you say you have a monster inside you. I had one too, only he's another me"

Started thinking back so far after someone reminded me of, me. She's the exact copy of me when i was exactly at that age. I still remember one date... 18th September. I skipped school for the first time( yay) to go to a hospital(nay) or more specifically, IMH( urgh) to fight a battle. Let's see. Schizophrenia, depression, bipolar maniac disorder, disassociative personality disorder, OCD, anxiety disorder and i was close enough to being a chronic phobic. I started thinking all the 'fun' i had and all those times i attempted real stupid things, and i think i'm lucky to have met glenson. I was really so down and i'm a hugely emotionally sheltered person and all i wanted was to be a little like him, to laugh more, to inspire people around me and be their pillar of support and to simply be simple. I could have only really tided that storm over because i have met a few people (Xuan le,Wei Han, Rugdee, Jian Xun, Aaron, Yi Kang and a few more) who straightened my thoughts and let me fight through. So i pray you find people you look up to, know how you want to be and start crafting yourself to be that person^^ take your time because you don't wanna screw up something along the way. Take it from me, it took me 14 years to break down and a year to recover. I wasted 15 years trying to get some peace inside of me, alone. 3 of the mentioned problems still exist in me. Still working on them hehe but most importantly you must see that you are in control of your head, and that while you can't control how you feel you control how you react. And what the eye perceives, is altered by what the mind wants to see. You are the person you want to be, so if your heart tells you to fly, just do it then. Follow your heart because once you're out of this stage everything will be different and there will be no one who can tell you what to do and here is where you're in charge of things because not many people are here also. Many turned insane or simply gave up or never even tried. So now you're free to pursue what you deem right and condemn what you deem wrong, question and question over again and what you want will appear for you, right in front of you. Maybe it's easier for me because i'm a born hermit? I don't like crowds. I prefer to be alone and undisturbed. Not that it matters... I feel my time is running out too. I'm not meant to make it far. I'm only meant to be the person in the middle... I can never bear to be on one side of the scale. I'm a libran after all.

Lovestruck. I guess?

So it's been a good while since i went.. Ice skating. Since i touched my guitar. Since i last danced. Since i've had a good heart to heart talk with anyone. Since i've felt the full brunt of my emotions and especially since i've felt this happy that someone tweeted to me. Yes. I can't believe how estatic, how elated, how dreamy, how excited i was. I couldn't stop smiling the whole night. EXAGGERATED MUCH but why, i have no idea. I blushed when i was thinking of replies what is this shit. I feel like i could do a hundred scepterials HAHA i suddenly had the mood to do everything i wanted to do and i felt like i could fly okay i really am high now shit but really.
The way she styles her hair. Oh gosh it's really so perfect. Her smile! It's so sweet and her eyes! Ahh *melts* and her voice is just so.! Sorry if i sound really creepy but i had to get it out or i won't sleep tonight ,_, OH and there's more and and when she suddenly looks up after focusing on something and that confused look she gives ITS SO. Holy crap what have you done to me... It's an exact repeat of 2012 :/ :( OH DAMN. I'm going haywire i don't think i can sleep tonight cos everytime i think of that tweet i get really really hyper. I'm like some stupid kid now damn what is wrong with me i feel like a broken recorder. Oh no i should get some coffee and maybe i'll sleep by 4 cos IM STILL FXCKING SPAZZING IT's 2 IN THE MORNING

But really. What does this mean._. i know i'm not infatuated, i'm not having a crush either. I'm still rational and sound in my head but my heart's making my entire being go crazy. See 2+2=4. I'm fine. MY WHOLE HEAD IS FINE it's just that there's this really, really sweet feeling and my heart feels like its on loop going hey its her hey its her hey its her. I DON'T WANNA DREAM OF YOU TONIGHT OH MY GOSH. And why the shit is this happening to me now. God i won't be able to talk to her so much anymore not with school finally starting and my workload doubling and me being triple as tired and i have no idea what i am saying i feel so shy. Wait. This makes her the first girl i don't dare to initiate a conversation on. WHY AM I sigh i should like try to be her friend first but i'm scared i'll screw up and whenever i think about her. Oh no i get ALL HIGH again. WHY IS IT LIKE THIS i should spend the whole of later in the afternoon doing some exercise if my arm is alright but NO I CAN'T SPEND 5 MINUTES WITHOUT SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT i should really try to sleep.

Then again... If anything does happen can i handle what comes next? I mean. Guys like me are a dime a dozen and guys who are better are even more common. I'm no angel. I'm not exactly a very good guy with a good background or amazing history. I have wild, wild dreams and i'm unstable and nobody that's been with me were ever happy. Do i actually want someone to be with me now... Ugh.

"A girl in love is magical, gardens of flowers grow around her. A boy in love is a miracle, he'll move mountains for her. Love is a fairy tale."
-Unknown

Deathwish

And there are those people that i'm dying to talk to. I mean really, that goes out to two people? I want to get to know them and i don't understand why and i'm too shy to talk to them, too afraid to try. It's kind of common for me to feel shy but to the point i'm afraid to try is a little... Nostalgic actually.
And i get all worried and shit about them, how they're coping with school and what kind of people they're mixing with and how they feel, i'm kind of like a parent.. When people are down and tell me that they have lost motivation i worry for their future. Some come to me when they're down for something that happened before and i offer them a shoulder or an ear or rant to, others come to me for a companion in times of solitude because i can mirror their feelings i guess. I'm gonna make an awesome father i swear hehe.

So much is re-happening now i have more time on my hands. I'm kinda studying psychology and the common disorders, heh i see two old friends in that list. I won't say i'm completely cured, i still have stupidly extreme mood swings that happen and i have sometimes extremely strange, morbid thoughts ( just the surface) but i still want to think life as a gift, not to end this prematurely or anythin just to end the pain. It's a phase i'm finally tying up the loose ends from, now to get others out of it too.

That kind of reminds me. I really hate when people get all elitist and just because you're 'better' and sorts. No. It's a huge mistake when society is taught that one life is worth more than another. It's a huge, huge mistake to ever make another think or feel that just because you've better education means you would be more priviledged everywhere. True that i hate this society and i refuse to conform to it. I've hated how people are looked down sometimes by their social status and wealth and i've always hated how people would ostracise someone who doesn't follow social norms. It's fine that i don't agree with your POV and you don't with mine. But to go as far as to criticise and ostracise and even to exile, fuck you. Even worse, if you were to track my actions and judge me for that, all the more you deserve a place of resent in my mind. I'll can't be any harsher to someone i dislike and disrespect.

It's so weird for me to try and talk to anyone new now. I most likely won't have anything in common with them to start... And i feel so confused and guilty after what this anon said to me...

The RGS side of Ask.Fm

This post is more to the questions on askfm, all about RGS and A and a few other people. I don't want any idiots repeating any of the questions cus i seen some of them being repeated and i'll just answer them all here( also so that a smaller group will see this i guess?)

Q:What do you feel about the RGS team?
A: They are a special bunch i feel. I've met them for how long? And they've influenced me enough to change the way i look at life and look at people. It's kind of weird that they are still in a sense aquaintances but they've done so much for me.. And plus their cohesion and bonding is really gratifying. I mean it's refreshing to see such a cheerful, hyper bunch suddenly breaking out in laughter over nothing or them suddenly squealing in delight over whatever quite like a group of kids( it doesn't happen in my usual cliques so its a new sight) and it impresses that they somehow have this high standard in normal trainings but i just dont like how they address each other by their parts even outside of training. Maybe difference in traditions^^

Q:Is there anyone in RG you will consider?
A: I said maybe just one

Q:Who are those you've 'noticed' in RG?
A: They are the ones who taught me that everyone is special in their way because during the competition i suddenly saw each of them in their own light and what makes each of them, them. It's a nice feeling because honestly there were team members that i kind of disliked but after, i suddenly understood why they were acting so and any form of disapproval disappeared.

Q:Will you date this A?
A: Let's put it this way. To me, she is apart from the general populace. Don't ask me how, i just know she is more cool-headed and even though she does overthink a lot she can control it well and that is one of the things that attracts me the most. So i would say she's pretty close to an ideal?

Q:A is pretty meh
A: Can you go fxck yourself and read my other reply. I hate when people question looks just because they don't satisfy your punt mind.

Q: So you like 2 people now A and the peirce crush?
A: i would say i think i've stopped crushing on her it's more of an infatuation so... I'm kind of free now

Okay by now i'm irritated by the debate over A

Q:When did you meet Syahirah and Syazwani and do you find them attractive
A: My school's BI course and you are gonna judge me with whatever i answer so i will just say a big yes.

Q: What is attractive about this A? ( i don't know who she is but i'm curious because everyone is asking)
A: Good that you don't know i can at least reply to one without worries
It's not everyday i meet someone who makes me feel like she is sure of what she is doing and knows what to do and it's that maturity i rarely see nowadays that is so irresistable. It could be an infatuation again...

Q:I like Syahirah's eyes
A:Well what's the point of telling me i won't relay that to her man up and say it yourself

Q:Why you go help RG?
A: during the BI course someone told me they didnt have AI's so me and weijie thought we would go down and help out so... Yeah

Q:Do you know you are famous in RG?
A:SHOULD I BE CRYING OR LAUGHING QAQ AND FAMOUS FOR WHAT

Q:You're quite cool to walk into the school and just start spinning the gun in the middle of the field not caring about the rest
A:If i scared you i'm sorry but no

Q:Do you wish to know A more?
A: honestly i would be lying i i said no.



THAT'S IT. So i hope people can read this and if they want to ask me more avoid this range of questions thankyouverymuch.
It's kind of funny that now comp is over i actually miss the campus. It's a nice place when it's quiet..

And i guess i sorted out my thoughts why i don't want to be with anyone. True i like someone and i hope i might one day be wise enough to fully let go of my phobia. It's been so long... Over a year? Is it normal for this to last so long...
I'm falling sick again. Since the comp i havent been sleeping or eating well or anything along that line. Man... I'm real tired. To that anon. I think you just reaffirmed my feelings so.. Thanks^^

'I don't want your thanks. I want to see people happy and that's my thanks'

Closer to the edge

Maybe if you're feeling down, perhaps going through a rough patch in life. Maybe a separation, maybe a friend left you or maybe you're feeling down about yourself. I think i might be a little different and try something different here.

Dear reader, i want you to take your mind off whatever is bothering you and stop in your tracks. I mean really stop what you are doing. Take a walk outside on the street, go ride a bike, go try something new. But look around especially at the children, the working and the old. You might see that some problems affect a group and another to another. 5 years later what's troubling you now might not be there anymore so be strong because no trouble can last forever. I like to see trouble not as an obstacle or difficulty but as a chance really, to look into myself and see where i am strong, where i can be stronger and where i can grow, and i'd like to see you try it too. The world doesnt end because of a stumble or a bad mistake you made. The world doesn't end because people look down on you. The world only ends at the end of time, or if you ever give up on yourself

I think you might've heard of the story of the elephants and the ropes that bind it? I think it's the same in many people nowadays. People are much stronger than they can ever imagine but due to the past, the media, their peers they might belittle themselves, that when it is time to face the problem the first thing they say is 'I can't do this' or 'I've tried my hardest. I'm giving up' or things along that line. I think it's okay to fall, it's really okay to cry but one thing i always force myself to follow, that you may cry for a long time, but you must stand again, and again stronger you must be. Just because society looks down on someone who cries doesn't mean you must follow society.

And where trouble exist, the choice of letting the troubles define or refine you also lives. It is true and very important that one day, when your child asks you about those years, will your first image be of dark times or glorious days? Will it be that you bear and run away every time or have a new story to share for every encounter? And now i bear this for the reader to answer for himself, who is the happier man , the one who has braved storms and lived or the man who lived by the shore and merely existed?

You may question that i don't undertand. True, there will be situations i have never felt before. But i think i've got a little experience under my belt and those who know me well enough knows i rarely turn someone who needs away. People say i'm an easy target to be taken advantaged of. I say i dont think along the lines of the common man anymore. I think by now i should be considered a dreamer or a madman. Or simply really impractical.






Sigh sudden inspiration. I think i prefer to watch her from far.. I don't wanna stir anything. I'm heading into poly and it's hard for me to maintain friends already so if i confess and things go out of hand i might lose her as a friend and be badly affected for poly. So... I rather just know that she's doing well. It kind of makes me happy too.

Recently this anon(or a group) has been asking me about A. It's weird that she became a topic of debate on my ask.fm. Anyway i can post this because only a certain group knows who she is so... Yeah. Should i feel intimidated or humoured?