And these are all really big things to me. I knew no parent, only friend. It seems i carved a parental instinct out of nothing only to have it backfire on me. Was i really thinking too far back then... But still the worse is. As a brother, i can't do anything but watch. I see the fluctuating emotions of theirs, i see the tears but encouragement is the best i can do and no, that's not the only thing i'm supposed to do. As a friend i'm not supposed to watch and see people fall apart and do nothing. I want to know at least i goddamned tried and if things don't work out then so be it but not over some small matter that can be resolved face to face. I'm sick of seeing close friends DISAPPEAR. So i'm hanging on to my two closest bros. They're the only people i can tell everything to and i'm glad that tomorrow... I can rant. And to people i hate well... I shouldn't have to say much. One betrayer. Riled me so hard i lost control of my emotions...
And i was pretty adept at controlling my emotions. I started off a numbed boy since i could ever remember, lost control once at sec 3 and at least i could finally when i ended sec 4, i guess maybe because i put all my emotions down and suppressed the deeper ones(?). Then by orientation it was kind of leaking... Then by 18th i lost all control when i severed ties with this guy i trusted so much. Pretty big a hit i guess...and my emotions stirred again. And guess what's my strongest emotion in there. Love ..
So i was kind of struggling and just last week i finally told myself that, fuck it i'm just gonna stay single. I don't trust myself with anyone anymore. I used to be able to see myself with someone else and that was before the 1st day of school but it turned into just me, rolled up on the floor in the dark, speaking to myself and shivering. I don't want a round two in that place...
Funny because by the end of last week i could convince myself to not have any romantic feelings for anyone. Tonight it was released again..
And in order to disassociate myself with those feelings i have to go through that stupid isolation period. More mornings of feeling extremely tired, more nights of being really alone and shit. I just pray that that in this time that everytime i go MIA... The people i'm worrying will be okay at that time. I think the reason i'm so upset now is because of me not being able to help them.
Sometimes i wish i was a harsh person. A more emotionally stable person, a more coldhearted person. I wish i wasn't someone who would be so easily attached and over commited. I feel stupid for that sometimes. I feel stupid to have my emotions fluctuate this hard this quickly.
It's stupid right? To cry over two friends having an argument?
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