Last day, 2013

Hey look. Last day of 2013.
I think something is really wrong with me. I just told the girl i really like, to hold on to the guy she really loves. I'm doing everything wrong today i just want to rant and scold so...here. Just like how my mind does it.

Whatthefuckicantakecareofyoubetterthanhecandontchoosehimireallystillhavefeelingsforyouihatetoseeyoudownorsadandiwanttobetheonetomakeyoulaughandsmileandidkspendtimewithyou.childishmeiknowlikewhyaftersolongstillstuckwiththefeelingsdontaskmeaskmyheartthatdoesntwanttogiveupatallbutwhatsimportantisthatyouarehappyandforthat...youshouldstaywithhim.i'mtiredofbeingleftoutandignoredbyyouanditreallyhurtsmetoseethingshappentoyou.sickoffeelingaloneandscaredjustbecauseyou'renotbymysideandyesimissyousodamnmuch.Butiknowwhatimdoingisselfish.wahahawhyamibeatingmyselfupforthis.ijuststillmissyou.

Just one paragraph of my heart's rant HAHA okay now to the fun stuff. Any more will be left to... Next year :P
Really a fun year with all the ridicules, jokes and playing around. But much more with O levels and yaknw. Study camps and all. Like that anon said this is just a dedication(as always) to the few people that made this year so much better. This is just a small one :p the main thing is the message i'll send later at night^^ quick thanks only cos i'm busy today and don't have much time to do this :/

Glenson: sit beside you only kena bullied like siao. But nevermind i'm a nice person forgive you HAHA always disturb me in class and make the class somehow more fun. Come holidays, always call me up ask me go out. LAST NIGHT AH MIDNIGHT CALL ME. Still need to go eat your chicken rice ah sial HAHA

Aaron: eh since holidays started never really go out uh BE FREE ON THURSDAY PLEASE i know got PPP but ehhh almost must relax what. Always come my place study and stay for free :/ but nevermind. My bro i allow :P go nyp don't forget me uh...bloody 26 points=.=

Rachel Ashley: remember the nickname uh HAHA and we always used to study at mac together. Is your maths still terrible? And dont keep spazzing about donghae arh. Eh you still haven't told me who is lemon and orange and alien... If you need help still can call me :p

Rachel Gouw: first thing that i must tell you. DONT BE SO PESSIMISTIC okay ya be confident of yourself. I can still help you with maths and all since i will come back to the school alot~ and one day. One day i want to try the food you cook HAHA always post on ig but never share with me :(

Weihan:Another one only know how to bully me. Always say the sick jokes in class ah but also the love doctor. The mature joker. Make sure O levels get all a1 ah secret mugger :P

Yi kang: always can talk to you about anything and everything and i have to thank you for being my listening ear in class and being my teacher in class for some stuff too and always being the middleman. I know pressure you alot that's why... Really knowing you is uplifting. To see your point of view makes me grateful that i chose to know you better.

Now who else did i miss...

Kalynn: hmm. Idiot HAHA dont always so sad lehh. Only knew you for how long :/ still that cute little girl to me HAHA go ice skating again someday! :P

Phyllis: dont forget your teacher hor always ask me( or me ask you) for anaths okay its not that tough. And yes you're much much like my younger sister. Like japanese food so much only know how to snapchat me that :/ HAHA and hii don't forget your 'boyfriend' ah HAHAHA

Okayy. I have nothing else left and i hope i don't carry any regrets from this year. I just hope...i'll start 2014 well.

What can i do. Please..

Yaknw what feels bad? Seeing someone you really care for go through the sense of loss because of somebody, seeing her down and tired out, seeing her regretting. You know what makes it worse? Being able to doing NOTHING. I get frustrated. I get unduly over worried. I get panicky and i become stressed and when i do i shut off the world.
It's fuckin pitiful. I'm taking a shower and the feelings overwhelm me enough to make me cry. And you know what that changes? You got it. NOTHING. Telling her i have feelings for her is just going to stress her more. So what should i do? NOTHING. The one bloody thing i don't want to see is unfurling in front of me and i feel like shit. I tell myself to conceal this much. To conceal everything and never let a flail escape. But the jar is full and ready to blow up now. I feel so icky now. My head's in a mess and my chest feels fuzzy. Like i need to get up and run to her place and scream like what i don't even know what i should do other than sitting down in this pathetic place crying. I have to let all this energy run. I'm tired of concealing and i don't want to bottle but.... I want someone to lie down to. To lie down with and talk to. I...

Eve of eves

On the way home i have some time so just gonna make this short. Today is kind of wonderful. It's the emotional quiet i loved so much and it progressed at a favourable pace the whole day. Today at work i saw this 2 ladies in particular. To me, they looked stunning and i mean, literally. When i brough them to their tables i had trouble speaking to them._. one looked like the typical pretty girl. But above typical kind of pretty and the other...what is this. It's the first time i seen anyone wear an oversized shirt and those huge nerdy specs and look SO cute like may i know your name can i ask you out omg they were just *~* then on my way home. I sat beside this girl. Someone kill me the way she dressed was... Revealing but not showing too much. Perfect. And she looked just OH her eyes and her hair is like AHHHH i didn't even dare move._. okay i sound really stupid. But yeah. I think they look really really good.

Then, i think my predictions were right today. It was busy for dinner time and wow, i feel good doing tonight. A little bumpy here and there but i didn't screw up big time. The night progressed into full house and died down into a merry air. And so many nice customers tonight. I can never forget that caucasian lady, she wished me merry christmas. And here i was thinking all customers were just 'like that'. She reminded me of a special place in hospitality that i wanted to be part of since young, the british mannerisms or the japanese formalities. It always impressed me... The way they did stuff and all. So i guess i do have interest in hospitality. Lets see where i am led to... But whatever. I will always want to have my dream job of holding frontiers with people. Entertainment, luxury, service. I still think those are my fortes~

Preparing for a longggg day tomorrow. Thurs is my off day i shall plan something to do... Then i might go to bugis Ma Maison to have lunch. I don't know just maybe~


I don't know this paragraph hit me so hard. It came from my dream.
How am i supposed to feel when the person who shot me down was the one that taught me to fly?
Have you ever loved someone so much, that you would give everything. No literally everything... Then realise you meant absolutely nothing to them? And that you would protect them from all pain but in truth you were the main source of the pain? Ash falling like snow, because in that fear you burn everything else! And that you wanted them to stop feeling all this pain but it pains you to leave them? And the worse, you were the only one needing us?
I woke up from here crying, curled up in a ball filled with fear. Because i told myself, my next was going to be my last. My first ever nightmare scared me really hardyhe words that were recited. I can't bear to think of what i'd seen.

Falling again

So technically...this is means i'm having a crush on the person again. Suddenly i feel nervous to try to ask her out. I feel timid to the point i'm afraid of rejection. I want to feel my way around know what's off limits and not... It's that refreshing, light feeling that hey i'm really liking you, i hope you'll like me too kind of emotion. But at the same time a deeper one runs too. When i get worried, or angry for her. It seems to fill my body and makes me think differently. A comparatively mature emotion it seems. I get so worried the moment i hear a problem. When she's out of my sight i constantly wonder about her and miss her(even though yeah...she cantake care of herself better than me of myself...). And a third exist. A childlike one. It justs wants to see her smile, to see her happy because of me. And see to that she is well.

But..a close friend adviced to let things be and not allow it to go back to the past. She said that if i think i have a chance, i should go forward and try again. Even siva told me to chase her.. I'm deeply doubting my ability to make her happy. I know i can't... And i still have this feeling she feels this way for another man. I just can't help but think... And blank out once in awhile. I almost can't remember what happened in the past between me and her. I see pitiful fragments but i can't quite piece the puzzle to make the picture. All i can see is me screwing up and being blind. So everyday i pray that hopefully..she's keeping her options open and i might be included.

So i already have made my Christmas wish and now my New Year's wish. I'm just going to spend all on the same thing that maybe. And please let it happen. That she'll fall for me.. For this New Year, all i want is her.

Just another daydream.

I look to the sky and just wonder as i walk. I remember how your eye lights up as you smile, your sweet laughter that rings as you stroll beside me past the gate, hand in mine. The sun radiates gently in the cool evening and our footsteps click lightly on the concrete floor and all i hear is you telling me how your day was, you complaining about how you didn't like what that guy did. My heart drunk on content briefly overspills as my eyes meet yours and my heart beats faster again. I feel butterflies in my stomach again. You led me over to the gazebo by the pool and sat, nagging about the day and even at me. Taking my spot behind you i let my hands curl around your waist and your fingers fills the spaces between mine while i whisper sweet nothings into your ear. The fragrance of your hair floats in the air and i just glance barely, to see you staring at my lips. I return with a gaze as i slowly move in to meet yours, eyes closing slowly...slowly. I can feel your breath on my skin.

Oh look i'm at work already. Time to get going... Sigh. Just another daydream i guess...




They say you don't know what you have till you lose it. No shit man. I'm suddenly filled with so much more negativity tonight i don't even know why. I want to rant to somebody have someone really listen. But i don't have the time or energy. Or worst still, when i do i don't have the heart to do so. I'm afraid that they'll find me a bore. Or a chore to handle. Or another negative point of view. Maybe i'm being all picky again but all i want is just that someone. Someone that might be able to understand how i feel to talk to me. Honestly having this much lidded on is almost making want to cry and i don't get why tonight i'm suddenly feeling all this. I don't mind being a punching bag for others but at times i just want someone to talk to me too.

Siva suddenly asked me if i have a girlfriend. Now at least i know what to answer HAHA i'll just tell people 'unwanted' hey that works. I know i'm bound to be hurt. And that numbing cycle is about to happen very, very soon. I don't understand though... Why did he ask me to chase her?

All i know is. My heart doesn't want to give up no matter what i do... Why on earth am i so stubborn for this. Why why why why why

A quiet Merry Christmas

Y'know Christmas every year, the same thing over and over for the whole life you've known is really boring. Family gathering to the usual gift exchange. This year i wanted it to be a little...special. Maybe just to spend it with a certain her, just us for dinner. Thank god i didn't i'd probably bore her out of her wits. I mean, just a little change once in awhile. This year i'm having the Christmas dinner at my Godmother's place. It's filled with...girls and...kids. So awkward._. at least my brother is going yeah. And i MIGHT perform(i hope the guitar is down) ugh i haven't touched it in god knows how long i miss her so damn much :/ i'm gonna get a new guitar though. I'm gonna save enough so that one day i can buy that Taylor i wanted for the longest time. Or a pair of ice skates. Or that collection of books i've been drooling over ahh teenage life needs so much money.

Going over to a more solemn side...today takes 'shitty' to a new level. Lunch was busy. At least full house and throughout the whole of today, i'm fighting drowsiness, nausea and dizzyness. Especially just now i nearly vomited. What on earth... How am i going to prepare for friday. I pray tomorrow isn't busy at all. I might not be able to handle it.
Then...my feelings are really slowly returning. I don't feel numb all the time anymore, some stirrings are finally happening. I don't know why and how but i hope it turns out well this time around. I can't handle that kind of bouts with him alone. How it even recovered is questionable. Alot changed and happened te moment she came in... I don't know. I just wish i'll be mature enough to buffer the full force of all my emotions when it opens. Somehow i have this feeling what happened last year was only...half of it?

So i'd wished for today to be quiet. I never dared to have high hopes because always, and goddamn always, something will spoil my mood before it happens. And there are more and more things accumulating on my mind. Memories i had forcefully removed from my mind are starting to come back one by one.I guess slowly i'll need to pour it out to somebody sooon... And how many can i trust._.quite alot really.


Okay. I'm seriously sick of being single :P maybe not that bad, but...just looking around.

Sick and tired. Literally

Esa asked me a very valid question. I never expected that to come from her. Well, her being so innocent..
'Why do teenagers care so much about their looks?'
To impress and/or express is just a shallow reason. To hide certain insecurities may be a more tangible reason. I don't know, i know i do because of insecurities. But then again...she will learn of it herself and who knows one day she'll think back and ask herself the same question?
It seems their family all has dined at Ma Maison before.

Today seemed to be so bloody damn busy. What of tomorrow... My god. I really, really hope tomorrowis just full house without a queue outside. Ican't handle that much pressure while being in the state i am. Goddamned sick, and as the day progressed my nausea grew until now i can barely finish a full meal. I still have so much in medication take. I don't know what will happen to me ahh but still because i'm a 'guy'. I need someone to take care of me too...
And i know i'm gonna need it more than ever. I'm slowly recovering my emotions and that kind of means... Losing myself in that ridiculous cycle, fighting him, fighting myself.

I think i shall write one extra note in my notes. It's to those people who i have everything to say to but i don't think i'll ever have the courage to tell them these. To only the most important people i guess...

Loveless

"What if one day, the person you knew for so long, the valor of his spirit dulls into a dim grey and his heart rots, blackening in pity and pain and all you could do is watch?"

Humans are...selfish. I've spent so much time reflecting and all the eulogy i could muster is... Selfish. By nature, survival is of utmost priority. By instinct, Strong is the essence of life.

They ask, 'Why do people change so easily?' At birth we learn to avoid things that can harm us, can hurt us. We change to adapt to that, to protect ourselves. Later on in life that change, even if it be trivial will still take on a huge impact in his surroundings. For example. When one has been...that badly hurt in love. He might take all precaution to make sure he never hurts that way again closing himself in unconsciously to the point his extinguishes his own feelings. And he hurts, and it repeats. And it happens to the point its just pitiable. He numbs. Even worse would be to see that he is not hurt he turns the blade on those around him. I must say...those affected heavily by emotions are largely unagreeable creatures.
Not just in love. In friendship, in work, in...anything. Well...that's a might. I still don't understand how some can help and not ask for anything in return. To be so kind to everything just escapes me and dazzles me. I mean, i have huge expectations of others. At least those close to me and those who are not...i'm starting to not even care about them.


I'm not any better there. I struggle and hurt for the things i want, the people i need. It's been awhile since i felt any kind of reminiscence or belonging. I think i like it quiet in my heart. No ravaging feelings. No destructive thoughts. No...love to worry about. Loveless is quite and interesing state to be in...Because here. I don't need anyone. I'm pretty convinced there is nobody who is worth my effort.

It's almost time yeah...

It's been about a year now. And somehow, my prayers has been answered. Bit by bit i start to feel again, start to see the warmth of being around people, start to open up to people. I look back and realise the psychopathic path i took...and i still go down that road. But slowly i deviate to become what i hope to be, normal. I'm slowly losing all those abilities that come along with psychopathism. I just hope that... I'll find myself content one day.

The past few days has been a mess. I took more time off and found myself thinking of the past, the people i hurt in order to find myself. A chameleon i once prided myself as, a narcisist. I still am that can never change as long as he exists but now i see myself clearer. It's scary how i see myself in my mind's eye, a dark and light half.

Okay back to work. To be honest working in an all-girls environment isn't too bad :P it is quite fun and hey i get to see another perspective of life. And now that xin hui is back i'm still super curious to see who she is becos everyday i see her commendation letter there and in that sense i admired her so... :P i dont know. Curiousity kills the cat they say? Then naru is also working here. HAHAHAHA i wanna see how she does HAHAHAHA okay horrible me :/ kinda scared for her. She might not be able to hold the plates and bowls i mean hey i got scalded and burnt and hell i couldn't let go. What more her._. blehhh tomorrow and monday's gonna be so long. Especially monday wth is this 20 pax reservation thats almost the whole goddamn place ahhh i'm kinda scared to do so many people. I hope lunch shift HAHA I'm only coming in at night~ so HOPEFULLY i get to slacken off :P


Just... I don't know. It hurts somehow to see her hurting. Just gotta let her know that no matter what i will always be ready to lend a listening ear and a supportive shoulder. Even if...

Silence.

I am quite an intuitive person. Is that the right word? I go around learning by feeling my way around. Complemented by hearing and sight but as the years went by my shell hardened and i became less and less sensitive and through all the pain and rubbish i wreathed upon myself i finally reach this stage. My head feels like it's in the clouds and my hearts frozen in ice. My brain always struggling for control and my mind in a daze. I guess from young i made my sole objective to find love and when i lose it i lose everything i held dear and i still have no idea how to reverse something built in from young. I don't bash myself over mistakes i made in the past anymore like i used to (Whew) but when i think back sometimes it's just this flame. It looks warm but truly is the embodiement of the harshest, bitter cold. Coldfire they say, an icy flame. The past doesn't mean as much. The future doesn't either. For now i just wanna focus on what comes my way but i know this that should the past present another chance i would die taking it.

Working at Ma Maison forced me to see that sometimes, humility and diplomacy is the key to easing a nasty person. Sometimes tact and cunning, sometimes just a smile. It made me take my mind off all the stuff and because i almost permanantly have something to think about i get used to living alone. It's really lonely like deep and dark and nobody can hear your cries. Everybody has their story and problem to handle and who is really there to listen? If you're lucky, just one is enough.

I can't wait for RGS to reply. I can'twait to train. My arms are seriously itching to hold a rifle and start tossing all over again. Ahhh...i'm weird like that.

PDS BI camp 9-11 dec

And that marks the end of the three day course. The simple three days, to relief of most has come and gone. I still remember the first day, so many had that blur face like they didnt even know how to fall in properly and respond properly. I am surprised for this year because of the presence of SSC and the number of AI's. But hey still under my school :P. And probably also the fact there were girls. Like whut...
First three days were planned to learn the basic 10 drills. The course split into 3 to learn and i tool the weakest for private lessons. Happened to be all from peirce =.= ahhh. Even under me i headache over them sia but managed to squeeze out a 8/10 drills for the day. The pt left many cramping and hurting and one cadet almost crying even. That guy was pretty weak physically so...
It was tiring. Slept the minute i hit the bed :P

Second day ah. Every drill was mastered as a course then split up into the groups to practice. Ah here i slacked a bit more :P took more chances to sit and rest becos of my splitting headache :/ nothing much, ended with pt as usual.
The same few slow people were slow as usual but caught up. And the worst ting about day 2 is having them FORGET the drills and needing to reteach them. That can be really annoying sometimes. By now the course somewhat knows each othernalready. I dont think i noticed any especially outstanding cadets here... Since most of them were struggling with the tougher drills.

Third day. Practice started at what, 7.30? Till almost 11. Every cadet was stressed and suddenly had questions for me since i was revision IC. By now everybody was hurting somewhere. Batch by batch they were sent off for examination. Can never forget our scare, those who got their food failed. Well the whole course got it HAHAHA. I can't forget this one cadet either. She was unlucky to get Marcus as an examiner then i think she felt she didnt do well so after the test she looked like she was about to cry. Ahh how my heart went out to her. At the holding area for those who just done their test i tried my best to lighten the mood to cheer them up. Then just to add on we split the course into 5 sections. By here some were scared enough to shake in their boots AHHHAHAHAHA okay its quite funny to see that. I believe section 4 &5 knew they were safe because thy trained apart from the rest. They scored the best of the course. Then another batch came in. I gave them a harder scare because well...i look fierce(?) it is funny when i told them they pass and one idiot went HHAAAAAAH =.= ahh. Tried to teach the course some other drills and RGS cadets the spins. Ah looks like i might go down to help them sometime soon~ HAHA. Still there were about 8/44 who failed but they will have their chance again. In the end i told them this quote.

You can choose to see failure as a label of yourself as shit, or as a banner of encouragement. I think most of them took the latter. I swear where else would i look for this kind of bond except in NCC. That's why i'm proud to be in NCC.

Work week 2 la

Word by word that appeared in my head during work.

You'd see her smiling, bright laughter and sweet cheers out with her friends. She feels more confident and brave around her friends and that air radiates around her. Once she gets home and the room to her door closes her demons crawls out from every shadow. Her image of herself in the mirror contorts and every flaw she sees becomes bigger. Every insult she has heard floats around in her head. Every inch of skin not taut on her body she finds fat. She has nobody in her family to really tell all of these to and every last mistake she made infront of others. She asks herself why. She cries alone at night. Maybe all she just needs is someone to confide to.

He seems just quiet and the type that rarely talks. He always looks down on the ground as he walks. He feels so scared after what he's been put through. He slowly crumbles as he immerses himself in work, letting his emotions freeze. He smiles at all the passing remarks and hurtful inconsiderates, keeping it all in, always faking a smile. It's about time he really has somebody to love now...

Watching this show is just making me cry and crushing my mood even more. It's making me think of the past. I...wish i could get a nice hug now.

Wedding performance.

Left Furama Riverfront hotel with a sore body urgh. I feel today i performed better than i expected of myself, my hits and tricks so much bigger than usual. We even got interested clients offering us performances!! I got a second job as a performer!! The newly-weds looked so sweet today gosh. It made me daydream a little(?) yeah HAHAHA that was an amazing evening.

As i immerse myself in work i find myself less and less affected by emotions. I hope that soon enough i won't feel anymore negativity and from all the smiling on work i might actually be happy. Feel happy at the least. I still feel down over her but somewhere deep down... I don't understand this. I've decided to wait. I can be such an idiot but i just want to. Unless i can meet someone along the way that is that...moving to me. Yeah...i'll immerse myself again.

So like today was amazing. For the first time i felt so amazing being alone and i think this could be addictive. Knowing me though...my mindset never stays for some things. Tomorrow i might mourn for someone again, the next i might cheer for another's disappearance. I'll leave it to tomorrow and keep fighting for tomorrow while keeping the memories of yesterday. I need to mature.