Liberated

It's been so long since I've been here goodness. Its best to clean up here before I go back to my other blog. A more private place, where not so many people know of its existence. I hope it doesnt get leaked somehow HAHA.

I've finally broken up. Finally, because of how much I really longed for fresh air without realizing it. I learn now how sensitive I am to control, how the people closest to me have the biggest impact. Especially those within my closest circle. Especially the things that mean the most to me.

It seems I was hurting the first few days, even possibly regretting. I spent the first 4-5 days crying my eyes out the entire night. But seeing and hearing what I have, now I feel as if the pain were all for naught. Especially that one. It seems I got called out for nothing. That was the trigger, the one that made me flare up for the first time in a long time, ever. But through all that pain and anger I realized something. I did make a right decision. That was the final push to move on, the final straw that let me see things as it is. And when it all calmed down, all my feelings were really gone,no grudges and no pain. Any thoughts I had of getting back together were thrown out the window. I'm ready to go on now. I just have some lingering emotions that needs tidying up.

Now I feel liked I just dodged a huge bullet. And in this I start to see again another side of humans, how strange or terrible or how insecure, how immature, how inexperienced one can be. The different people I came across in this period taught me. Hmm...

This will probably be the last post here. HAH I remember when I first closed my first blog so many years ago. It was the same, the end of a relationship means me closing another 'book'. When one door closes, another opens. When one  relationship ends, the lesson ends (probably) and it's time to go on again. Goodbye :)

Lost

Sometimes, there's nothing that feels better than hearing just simply a "welcome home" from the right people. I'm not talking about a partner. I mean it from perhaps a parent, perhaps a parental figure, maybe a guardian. Perhaps it might be nice to hear a welcome home once in awhile..

I do get jealous. I get absolutely jealous that friends have their parents to talk about and kids are doing well with their parents. I get so jealous that everyone else gets to have something i don't. I get,quite frankly, discouraged and down when i watch shows with scenes that portrays sweet interaction between parent and child. But as jealous as i get, it doesn't stop me from going where i want to. What has happened gave me what i have today. I don't regret it one bit. It's just, it'll be nice to hear it from family once in awhile, as much as I hate to see them.

I feel terribly lost. I've suddenly gotten back into the business of overthinking and trying to find the meaning of life. I feel lost enough to want to destroy everything around me and sit in a corner for days on end. But i don't feel scared the slightest bit. After all, how else do you find yourself without getting lost?

Heart of a writer

They say that writers are forgetful people. It is not because they do not care, but it's because their minds are always swirling with endless 'what ifs' and 'why nots'. It's not because they want to be forgetful, it's because they are always looking for something that ignites the flame within them. And today I learn too, writers can also be extremely heartless and cold.

I'm confused to no end. I think I'm sad, I'm frustrated and tired and down and angry with myself and I want to break down - I haven't felt like breaking down ever since the start of this year. But my emotions seems to hit a brick wall now. It's as if they are protecting me from me. And I really hate the way I feel now, I feel no different from years ago. And it is most odd, that as hard as my heart is screaming my eyes do not yield. I feel just like many years ago, weak, alone, lost and confused. It is such a nostalgic yet dangerous feeling, I wish I could tell someone and have them look me in the eye and tell me they understand without saying it. I wish I could have someone resonate with me and calm me down. I wish there was someone to tear the feelings right out of me. It is in confusion that I find the peace I need, not this animated state of calm.

And I swear I feel lost. I'm a walking contradiction. I feel relieved without her but I feel equally lost.  This amazing urge to find myself, it's overwhelming and it's definitely the most powerful thing I have felt up till now. But there is just one thing I am scared off...What if this urge to find myself ends my feelings for her?

perhaps it was the way I was raised. I was built to repair and fix and heal people and disappear right after. perhaps I am nothing more than a passing person, someone that offers shelter till it's time for me to go again. perhaps, but perhaps this is because of how I grew up. I mean, what does it mean to have the something permanent in my life that I so desperately needed back them? perhaps I was only taught to run and never turn back. perhaps I'm just like how my friend describe me, I have the heart of a writer but the soul of a nomad and the will of a healer. I'm not permanent. I'm a ghost of better times. I'm there to pull you up and disappear. perhaps...

I want to break. I need to break. Desperately

Seasons

"I hate how I want to be strong but I am told over and over that I am not perfect; I hate how I want to stand tall yet I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and the most of all, I hate how I know I can tap upon a universe of energy yet it peters out into a tiny twitch when I move."

"I hate how my body is finite and how my heart is easily shaken. My legs are akin to pillars of stone, strong,sturdy and meant to withstand the test of time but without constant repairs, rain and shine wear me away quickly and coldly as if the stone never stood at all. My arms are akin to planks of wood. Flexible to build strong houses and create warm homes yet algae and age eat away at them ferociously. My body is akin to the long gone untouched temple walls. Beautiful and majestic, yet defaced by the same race that built them."

"My heart, the most fickle of all. It is just like the seasons. Sometimes I fall, Sometimes I walk with a spring in my step, sometimes I live with the fire of summer and sometimes I weep of the bitter winters. And only in my seasons I see,that I do not see in anywhere else is that in summer, it burns brightly enough to set everything ablaze and in winters, the world freezes over and not a single being lives. Only in my seasons, I see the honey sweet love in the spring of my steps and the coffee bitter heartbreak when things fall apart. Only in my heart do I wish everyday for milder seasons."

"Yet with all this, I do not regret living. I do not regret getting burned by my own flames or getting frostbitten by my own cold. I do not regret that my limbs and body wear away over time. For I am fortunate enough to have life breathed into me and I will change, the stone pillars will breath anew and the wooden planks will grow branches. For as long as I still breath I will not just exist. I will breathe. I will fight. Change. Renew. Live."

It's been 3 months since I had felt the urge to need to write again. This is the easiest way for me to write out my feelings. I do not understand them as of now but as metaphorically as I can, I have translated it. I am tired and demoralized but I will pick myself up again by daybreak. and again. and again.

A constellation in her eyes

How should I start. I have come to meet a girl,  a rather peculiar one in fact. One might not think that she would be anything out of the ordinary, much less the extraordinary person that she is.

Aaron, Glenson, Ryan, Naru, Wei Han, Jian Xun, someday I would like you to meet this one girl I have found. She is not the usual girl you meet everyday, she will not yield when you try to read her, she will not falter when you pressure her. She has among the hardest gaze of people you will meet. She will seem strong and unmoving but I assure you and ask of you, to see her when she is not the image that she has to project out to people, that she is anything but the rigidly strong, unmoving, even cold self. I do mean that she is weak. I mean for you to see her when she is her inner child, I mean for you to see when she cares for the people around her. I mean for you to see the girl I am falling for ever more deeply with every passing day

She is older than us by 2 years but you might not be able to tell... I'm gonna be killed for that. We started out like any friends would. But along the way..I fell for her even though I swore I would never fall for another girl ever again. As I write this I can hear her whispering a quiet 'Oops" under her breath now. Guys...if there is ever a chance, I will introduce you all to her and by then, I actually do hope that when I do, it will not be the way that she is just a friend.

There are some things you must see. The little things that many people overlook. The little things that makes her,her and the little things I have unwittingly fell for. I want you to look into her eyes when she talks about the things that makes her happy. The way she likes sunsets and the stars in the night sky. She always puts herself down hinting how she might be among the dimmer stars up above but I assure you, when she tells you about all these that there are constellations in her eyes and galaxies in her mind that shines so brightly and captivates me oh so strongly. Those eyes are the most beautiful thing I have come to see in a long while honestly. I want you to listen to the tones of her voice when she speaks about the flowers that she loves. If my memory does not fail me,carnations. She likes Carnations. Even though honestly ...I still have no idea how a Carnation looks like. Sometimes she thinks she is the daisy in a field of roses but I swear, I swear so hard that that's the one damn thing that sets her apart from everyone else that's all the same. She might thinks that I would want someone better for me. Silly her, I think I have already found everything I need.  I want you to see the way her tiny hands curl up as she squeals in excitement when she tells you about her favourite kinds of music, the way men are the most charming in suits singing opera songs or how the Bee Gees has a unique flavour to each song. My god, She is so damn adorable I can't help but want to just pinch those cheeks of hers and tell her how adorable she seems to me.

She has had her fair share of heartbreak, pains and disappointments. She can be difficult at times, she can get a little aloof sometimes or she might be cranky because her insecurities overwhelm her. She's not to blame, and I won't blame if you don't see her the way I do. You see, she has been broken many times over, as we all have been. But with this girl, I don't understand... I see all the broken, little pieces. I see the way the light reflects off the curves and edges and I appreciate each and every small piece there but I also see the big picture, I see her for her soul and her essence. I see a person that wants to be loved for herself, to be understood and to be connected with, as like how any of us would want somewhere deep down too. Sometimes I wonder, this might be how it is to love someone and see someone as broken and as beautifully whole at the same time. 

I know that she wants someone to see the workings of her mind as they link from one end of a scale to the other and yet at the same time,someone to appreciate her body, her every curve , the nuances of her movements and her flavours. I see that she wants to be appreciated in not just in soul but also in body. I see holes and empty spaces where past lovers have left their scars on. I do not expect myself to fill them up for her but I do hope that I can love her hard enough and the right way she needs it, so that she will understand to love herself and how to fill those holes up again. I see traces of disappointment where people have failed her for what seems to be really small things for them but they mean the world to her. I do not hope that I will never disappoint her, But I do hope that I can see her through the disappointments, with her. I hope you understand this, I do not want to the perfect person for her, I only want to be the best I can for her, and hopefully in time to come, for us.

And well as for me... I love it when she has those little giggles of hers and she would give me this, puppy-eyed stare and a little pout when she does silly things. I love it, the way she stares in to my eyes and try to read me. It is not that I do not let her read, it is simply because I do not let anyone access the deepest parts of me unless it is needed. And because of her I have come to like some really strange things.For example, I love the way her eyes lights up when she laugh. I notice the little crinkles by her eyes and the way her hands covers her mouth ,so much sometimes I get lost in the moment and I realise how beautiful the girl before me is, and in that second I find myself appreciating her and when that moment ends, I finally realise over and over again, that I am so, so lucky to have her and I am so in love with her. It is strange, what she has done to me. What loving someone does to people...

I need you to understand that she is a strange person to me. She is different from the copies that I see everyday. I feel so loved, sometimes a little disappointed, sometimes utterly frustrated, sometimes I feel a rush of excitement when her name leaves my tongue. Some times I feel like ignoring her, on other days I feel like simply throwing everything down and leaving everything behind, but at the end of the day, all I want to do is just to hug her and hold her so hard that all the broken pieces in her stick back together. That no matter how moody I may feel but I never show, I love her. I do so much,

"A ripple on the surface, A raging storm underwater." 

Yes. I do hope for the one day that I can get to introduce her to the 6 of you. I do hope that the day will come where you might introduce me to yours too, whoever and wherever they are now.

Byebye

It has really been a long time since I have been back here. I feel different, I guess I outgrown the need to write as often as I want to rant so this should be the last post and since it is, I shall pour our what has happened over the past 3 months that shook me so hard to the point of desperation.......like always. Just for the last time now.

So it's final I guess. Since the new year I really have put down and let go of depression. It was one of the harshest struggles I have gone through for awhile and definitely, I have had enough of depression to last me a lifetime. And with that put behind me I have lost more than what I once considered so essential to me. Not a thing. A person. To be very honest I still do miss her from time to time,sometimes most of the time. But at that point of time it was the only choice of action I had and I knew what was coming for me if I hadn't chose to do things the way I did. I want to explain to her what was going through my head, but I was already unstable and she was adding on to it. I found purchase onto mental stability at a peculiar time and well, the chance was taken. But now... I do miss her honestly. I think she really hates me now but what can I do. I don't know how to even approach her and well, it's not exactly like I'm the first person on a list of people she'd want to see. But then again...at the same time, as much as I miss the times with her I don't want to see her too. My subconscious views her as the one who aggravated my condition, set me off into the deepest and hardest relapse. I've seen her eyes, the way she looks at me. I know those eyes well. Those are the eyes of extreme distaste and disgust and you know what they say, Eyes are the windows to the soul and I read people by their eyes first. Well, I don't think I will be trying to patch things up anytime soon. Not that I have a chance anyway

Coming out of depression feels like coming out of a long, dark tunnel. That tunnel has elapsed over the span of my whole life and now that I am actually out of it, I realised that I am missing certain social and mental skills that everyone else has. For example, I'm not the most sensitive person in the room. Neither am I the most spontaneous.  I can still alter my feelings, that's probably the one thing I need most now. But I still can't fit in somehow. I feel different from most people I believe. Who the hell wakes up everyday hoping that depression doesn't return, practically living in fear and always on the alert? Doesn't that sound like how a war veteran would be like? Except...I'm just a teen in Singapore. I feel like an outcast among the closest of friends and an alien within my family. I only feel at home...with the rare individuals that are especially close to me.

Club Crawl for this year is coming soon. My item has finished my half of the performance, now just waiting for the other half. Recently there was a vetting and because of this vetting I have come to conclusion about a few things. Firstly, I'm not suited to be a good leader and choreographer. I don't know, it just doesn't go well with me. Secondly, I'm not a good dancer at all. Hah, My batch has so many more who can do twice of what I can now with a third of the training I do. It's a little unfair bu perhaps yes, I have gone against the grain and abandoned what I might have been really cut out to do, which is playing the guitar. I don't know. I am musically inclined but perhaps not towards dance.

To a more personal problem, I don't think I will be feeling for anyone anytime soon. Too much trauma in such a short time. It's so difficult to even talk to girls nowadays without having that guard up. I seem aloof and unkind but that's really not the thing that I want to portray. I'm not that cold guys. I want to be able to feel really comfortable around a girl for once honestly.hm...

Almost over

I don't write as much anymore, it's a good sign I hope. Things really have been looking up the past January and it will maintain, I hope. I mean, I write when I am excessively stressed by anything at all and well...perhaps I don't need this outlet anymore. I was too focused on other people, I'd forgot all about myself. I showed others the way out of theirs when it was also the way I needed the most. I told others to confide but it was the very thing I had to do too. And I guess now I have a good grip on myself to push myself and to go further and all. Except now it's with a certain kind of feeling behind, one that I'm not very sure how to explain myself. It feels good to have it fill me when I do things that I like but it fills and changes itself when I am sad, or angry and it kind of amplifies how I see everything. I hope this is how others feel when they go about their everyday lives. This feeling here, I wonder who understands too.

So some of my closer friends have been urging me to get a girlfriend. No please haha not for a long while. I'm honestly quite sick of meeting people who really..just show me that they do not want to care/do not care/ bitch about me even after my intentions for them are honestly good. I'm waist-deep in my own stuff and I prefer to live like this for awhile now, if you're going to burden me then just fuck off. Maybe soon there'll be someone I can actually really talk to, but now anytime soon I'll be letting someone into my inner circles.

That and dance-wise, I seem to be improving at a really good rate my popping. Locking seems to be slowing down... never really focused on it for a while. When holidays come my training will double yet again yay.

It's been a while since I've written out of anger that I have a little trouble doing so now. Hmm... There's a frustration that wants to come out but I can't bring it out somehow. Man... feeling all confused and shit...

But most of all, I'm dead sick of putting in effort for people who will turn against me. Suddenly when I do the same, I become the bad guy. hmm....