Collapse

How is it that the same situation can repeat in a month. I dont know what happened. I regret going volunteering for production, i regret everything that happened. Simply because of physical exhaustion, i knew what was to come and i had to prevent that. And all of a sudden the people around me, all changed. The closest is now gone, not just that actually. I cant find companionship anymore. The one person i thought i could really trust here, wow. My heart is so empty and my body is collapsing soon. All my ailments have to come at once. I feel horrible

And i haven't slept for two nights. Normally after such separations i go through a huge load emotionally and this time its no different. I get nightmares, im in a perpetual daze. And its only because its the only way i can use, by disassociation, to alleviate the problems.

Except i've been crying my eyes out the past two nights.

And one decision has been made, another closer to. I dont think i'll ever allow anyone else to see the softer sides of me and... I dont have much time left.

I miss u

'Somewhere, somehow, i was waiting for your text over coffee this morning and by the time i realized, it was already night, my coffee cold and my dinner waiting but it never mattered because thinking of you was all that mattered. How you looked so bubbly talking about whatever made you happy.

Coffee turns to booze and cigarettes, only hoping to block out the one time that honesty had cost me.

And that this time, being firm with myself and for once doing something to change my life would cost me so much.

I dont know how ever i am going to find someone like you again. I don't know how ever i am going to feel love again.'

I dont know how one week of pds and production props can cost me almost everyone i know. They all changed and its scary how quickly they do, the people i never thought would be fake to be the most two-faced ever and the people i never thought would leave, to be giving me the coldest looks. I dont know what is happening..

Last

A week ago, a week later, things haven't really changed. I'm still a core of sadness and a mind made of confusion and its great because no one can read my mind or what is coming next but at the same time, it's a lonely place i guess. And i've decided to stay in fb, as an inactive member. But i dont know about other things

This will be my last post. I guess i've over relied on this to rant and i finally got off my dependance, and also its better than lesser people see that side of me since i finally and forcefully got it under control.

Any matters on relationships, i dont know. Its regretful i have to give up on those people. As much as i want to make them happy, i want them to be happy too. I know it too well myself, i'm no happy harbinger. I'm no... Joyous occasion. I bring only sadness to people around me.

I'm really tired out because of dance. I cant stop now and the need to talk to someone is getting stronger. I might not last much longer

Stone hard

If there is one thing i absolutely hated about myself, it would be my memory. Many people i've talk to about this have told me that it's a huge advantage. Really, it's a huge burden to have.

And the thing is that once you've seen parts of a person, after you get to know them.Maybe the way their eyes light up when they feel free and easy. Maybe the spring in their steps after they are given good news. And things happen. The way the little crease at the edges of their mouth form when they are sad or the way their eyes look down a little more, maybe the tone of their voice and how it seems just a little more dull. And you've seen them at their weakest and at their strangest. And this is all etched into my mind. And after a while... You see these signs again and it feels anything but good. I think it's the fact that we were ever that close that i noticed so much and that i was ever so hung up because my memory forbids me to forget. Every thought every feeling, carved into stone, a living memorial in my every waking second. And this is really why i never look to any one else ever since. I'm just afraid it might be years again before i'm fully alright, that is if i make it that long.

The mood swings are getting pretty out of control recently. I've not been tending to my emotions lately too. Just like a garden untended for a long time, weeds and rot spread fast.

The pressures on my mind is increasing and my ability to find solace and peace with people and music is decreasing.

I don't know man. I really don't