Today is a day where every person i tried so hard to forget in my shameful past appears again, one by one. Today happens to be a day i'm too tired to have my guard up.
Today is also the day i realise; my feelings for her are real. And today i realised it's just me.
Friday, 28 March 2014
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Dreams and realities
"Would you be the savior of the broken, beaten and the damned?"
It's been real long since i bared my heart to another person. Glad it's that way though. Rant rant, i prefer to bounce it off a wall when i'm annoyed and a person when i'm really, really down. But now i'm both down and annoyed so... I feel like a mess i guess. So first of all. PDS competition is in how many days? I've already lost track of time and days passed so effortlessly. I'm honestly really worried about the teams but i'm dead tired too. Not physically. My mind doesn't feel sharp like it used to, my body isn't fresh like it was. But it's a commitment and a commitment to the end. This is a hectic week. POP trainings are coming in too. I can't sleep early. I can't get proper rest and meals and somehow this is how i like things to be. And even so i still feel i'm not doing enough for the teams especially on the RG side. It's their first and i want them to do well. I can't bear to be strict and i think that's my biggest flaw. Urgh... Plus i've got a bad hand injury. Man i really feel like shit for this. I think people can tell by the mood this is progressing. All over the place...
Disappointed. Where should i start with this... First is my brother. Then there is me. So starting with him. I'm lucky if he's two hours late. Am i too lenient to wait for two fucking hours? I don't know. You can ignore every fucking thing i send but answer my whatsapp. WHAT FUCKING LOGIC IS THIS?
Then it comes back to me. I don't know why i have this tendency to be kind of motherly to people. It cost me alot now. Being nice to people is one thing. I don't even mind if they don't return the favour. All i ask is that you can smile again after. A small request, a tall order. I guess somewhere along the way i became supersensitized to emotions. Everyday is either heaven or hell depending on the mood of the people around me and recently it's been shiftin over to hell. I'm real tired. I guess even i need a haven.
Then worst of all. I knew she didn't do well and she was down and i was around her the whole time i was back in peirce and i swear. That feelinf fucking sucks. I really, really wanted to just hug her and tell her like yaknw things can be done better next time but i know how she sees me as and i know its better to keep things as friends. But it hurts real bad to only be watching and doing nothing else. It's not like we talk often. It's not even that we're close. Ugh... It's been the third month already this quiet feeling's been nibbling at me. Man...
"The way i see it, you can make your emotions your biggest asset or your biggest burden"
I learnt how to use emotions as a motivator. Took shit out of me to do that and i guess it's a big, big jump for me. When things are going crazy. My emotions will be put to good use but this time it's a little tough for me to. My eues are losing focus of the road in front and my legs are growing weaker with every step. I can only wish that maybe a miracle can occur and she'll accept me. I got my dreams too.
I've forgotten the feeling of needing someone and missing someone already. Since i told myself that i would never feel that way for another girl again. You're something to make me remember it and while it's not strong i hope it doesn't rule my head later on.
It's been real long since i bared my heart to another person. Glad it's that way though. Rant rant, i prefer to bounce it off a wall when i'm annoyed and a person when i'm really, really down. But now i'm both down and annoyed so... I feel like a mess i guess. So first of all. PDS competition is in how many days? I've already lost track of time and days passed so effortlessly. I'm honestly really worried about the teams but i'm dead tired too. Not physically. My mind doesn't feel sharp like it used to, my body isn't fresh like it was. But it's a commitment and a commitment to the end. This is a hectic week. POP trainings are coming in too. I can't sleep early. I can't get proper rest and meals and somehow this is how i like things to be. And even so i still feel i'm not doing enough for the teams especially on the RG side. It's their first and i want them to do well. I can't bear to be strict and i think that's my biggest flaw. Urgh... Plus i've got a bad hand injury. Man i really feel like shit for this. I think people can tell by the mood this is progressing. All over the place...
Disappointed. Where should i start with this... First is my brother. Then there is me. So starting with him. I'm lucky if he's two hours late. Am i too lenient to wait for two fucking hours? I don't know. You can ignore every fucking thing i send but answer my whatsapp. WHAT FUCKING LOGIC IS THIS?
Then it comes back to me. I don't know why i have this tendency to be kind of motherly to people. It cost me alot now. Being nice to people is one thing. I don't even mind if they don't return the favour. All i ask is that you can smile again after. A small request, a tall order. I guess somewhere along the way i became supersensitized to emotions. Everyday is either heaven or hell depending on the mood of the people around me and recently it's been shiftin over to hell. I'm real tired. I guess even i need a haven.
Then worst of all. I knew she didn't do well and she was down and i was around her the whole time i was back in peirce and i swear. That feelinf fucking sucks. I really, really wanted to just hug her and tell her like yaknw things can be done better next time but i know how she sees me as and i know its better to keep things as friends. But it hurts real bad to only be watching and doing nothing else. It's not like we talk often. It's not even that we're close. Ugh... It's been the third month already this quiet feeling's been nibbling at me. Man...
"The way i see it, you can make your emotions your biggest asset or your biggest burden"
I learnt how to use emotions as a motivator. Took shit out of me to do that and i guess it's a big, big jump for me. When things are going crazy. My emotions will be put to good use but this time it's a little tough for me to. My eues are losing focus of the road in front and my legs are growing weaker with every step. I can only wish that maybe a miracle can occur and she'll accept me. I got my dreams too.
I've forgotten the feeling of needing someone and missing someone already. Since i told myself that i would never feel that way for another girl again. You're something to make me remember it and while it's not strong i hope it doesn't rule my head later on.
Saturday, 22 March 2014
Only one chance.
Only one chance.
"The glittery bright eyes of a 6 year old, the innocence of youth betrayed by his light laughter and reflected off his smoke blue pupils, set in a face of a sharp nose and vanilla-scented cheeks virgin of malice stained tears, looked up to a bent and reserved old man in his safari grey cap, eyes kept all his fiery passion, just dimmed by years of experience ,having turned into grooves of deep wrinkles clawing explicit words into his smooth, untouched tanned skin. A gentle warmth emanating from his very emarald eyes, showing all restraint to his knowledge and cunningness, yet fear spilling from a single scar trailing from his left eye to his right cheek, a story of a tale went wrong written in a single line to be kept there for as long as he would live to tell that tale...
The child spoke in utter brightness, 'Grandfather! Our teacher asked this in class today!' The man simply gave his sweetest smile. 'What is the meaning to life?'
"Why, that's a tough one son! Alright...let me explain alright kiddo!"
Trying to explain life to a kid is like trying to tell a monkey to solve a rubik's cube... You get the point. An hour, two, three and yet the child was puzzled. He couldn't understand the complexities, the corruption, the PAIN involved. The madness of a place man knew as the world. He knew pain, the kind that hurt him on the skin but not that which keeps a man up crying all night, yearning to regain all he has lost. Not the kind that would keep a woman wondering whether she was good enough.For to be born was a pain in itself, everything and every action would hurt someone else. This world was far too great, its greed so insatiable that even angels would sigh and Gods had no resolve for such a twisted world, let alone for a young mind to even begin to comprehend. Atlas against a mere grain of rice.
So instead this old man told the little boy. He bent down and whispered into his ear :" You know what Lennon? I'll leave it in a note, you'll understand it when you're old enough. Okay?" Okay!
The note was written, and the moment the final letter was penned grandfather had breathed his last. It was weird. The first time looking at my grandfather, and everybody was telling me he would not wake up again. I couldn't grasp this reality that my most favourite family was, gone. My mother hid and sealed it away in an intricate gold box on the attic to be discovered again... But i never understood why she was crying when she read the letter.
*Creeeeeakkk*
A yellowed parchment was placed on the table, crusted with age as the paper rots away but never a single word, for unfurling the paper revealed a handwriting of raven ink, set in the most beautiful of old English inscripted into the paper. One, single paragraph titled, "To my grandchild..."
"This will be years before you read, and maybe even begin to understand a single word in here. Tsk, you were such a young, fine kid... Alright. Now you're but a toddler with no idea of this world. Let me just tell you a little more, of what you will go through as you grow older and wiser alright lad? Middle school. You'll start having feelings, you think you've met the person that you will spend forever with. All that until that person tells you, its over. You'll have your first heartbreak. It's gonna hurt really bad, so you have to prepare yourself. You might even torture yourself to get that person back... And say that you'll never fall in love again. You'll meet much action and drama, people talk behind your back, curse and swear but you choose to stand up or fall back. Long nights of decision, regret and worries, everything crashes down and you just have to cry. Don't worry, it's normal. I've been there too! Teachers and your parents will pressure you for academics, friends will for glam and fashion. You'll feel all alone like no one understands and everyone is looking at you with those eyes. You're suddenly now in College. You spend nights wondering what you should do next time and days wishing you've donw better in the past. Your emotions whirl you round when you see that special person, pain or joy.Then suddenly, you've graduated.
You're out there fighting for a spot in life to survive. Everyday, you eat someone else and someone does it. It's a dog eat dog world out there, backstabbing is but the norm. You're gonna work your so hard that you will lose so many days of sleep that you don't want to ever work another day in your life anymore. Everybody just wants to live. You're gonna meet a girl that is worth your time and you'll chase her. 30 years flies by and you're doing your last day o work, it's time for retirement. You take life easy but your children may not choose to stay with you. It's their choice, no matter. Now you have all the wealth you need, and the most virtuous and patient woman by your side. Life is perfect... Until the last day. You are too weak to stand, to even sit up. Everybody is crying and you can't do a thing about it...your breaths are numbered, they get shallower and shallower, the world becomes a little dimmer more, and fades. It's like falling asleep...but only you never wake up again. I want you to live a life where people will see you go, smiling as they tear. For you were such a great man, ever flowing with goodness and kindness, and not remembered as the stingy of myself. Get that lad? Life will pass by you fast, you only have one, chance. Take that chance, and make the amendments of my lost time. That is life. I only feel regretful that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live so when you join me here, tell me about yours okay?"
"Yes grandfather...now i understand what you meant so many decades ago..."
Lennon thought as he glanced at his son, playing with a toy plane in the corner, the same glitter in his eyes so many years ago.
"Now john...it will be your turn to read this soon"
Maybe if you tried to take a different perspective it would be enough to change the way you looked at life...
"The glittery bright eyes of a 6 year old, the innocence of youth betrayed by his light laughter and reflected off his smoke blue pupils, set in a face of a sharp nose and vanilla-scented cheeks virgin of malice stained tears, looked up to a bent and reserved old man in his safari grey cap, eyes kept all his fiery passion, just dimmed by years of experience ,having turned into grooves of deep wrinkles clawing explicit words into his smooth, untouched tanned skin. A gentle warmth emanating from his very emarald eyes, showing all restraint to his knowledge and cunningness, yet fear spilling from a single scar trailing from his left eye to his right cheek, a story of a tale went wrong written in a single line to be kept there for as long as he would live to tell that tale...
The child spoke in utter brightness, 'Grandfather! Our teacher asked this in class today!' The man simply gave his sweetest smile. 'What is the meaning to life?'
"Why, that's a tough one son! Alright...let me explain alright kiddo!"
Trying to explain life to a kid is like trying to tell a monkey to solve a rubik's cube... You get the point. An hour, two, three and yet the child was puzzled. He couldn't understand the complexities, the corruption, the PAIN involved. The madness of a place man knew as the world. He knew pain, the kind that hurt him on the skin but not that which keeps a man up crying all night, yearning to regain all he has lost. Not the kind that would keep a woman wondering whether she was good enough.For to be born was a pain in itself, everything and every action would hurt someone else. This world was far too great, its greed so insatiable that even angels would sigh and Gods had no resolve for such a twisted world, let alone for a young mind to even begin to comprehend. Atlas against a mere grain of rice.
So instead this old man told the little boy. He bent down and whispered into his ear :" You know what Lennon? I'll leave it in a note, you'll understand it when you're old enough. Okay?" Okay!
The note was written, and the moment the final letter was penned grandfather had breathed his last. It was weird. The first time looking at my grandfather, and everybody was telling me he would not wake up again. I couldn't grasp this reality that my most favourite family was, gone. My mother hid and sealed it away in an intricate gold box on the attic to be discovered again... But i never understood why she was crying when she read the letter.
*Creeeeeakkk*
A yellowed parchment was placed on the table, crusted with age as the paper rots away but never a single word, for unfurling the paper revealed a handwriting of raven ink, set in the most beautiful of old English inscripted into the paper. One, single paragraph titled, "To my grandchild..."
"This will be years before you read, and maybe even begin to understand a single word in here. Tsk, you were such a young, fine kid... Alright. Now you're but a toddler with no idea of this world. Let me just tell you a little more, of what you will go through as you grow older and wiser alright lad? Middle school. You'll start having feelings, you think you've met the person that you will spend forever with. All that until that person tells you, its over. You'll have your first heartbreak. It's gonna hurt really bad, so you have to prepare yourself. You might even torture yourself to get that person back... And say that you'll never fall in love again. You'll meet much action and drama, people talk behind your back, curse and swear but you choose to stand up or fall back. Long nights of decision, regret and worries, everything crashes down and you just have to cry. Don't worry, it's normal. I've been there too! Teachers and your parents will pressure you for academics, friends will for glam and fashion. You'll feel all alone like no one understands and everyone is looking at you with those eyes. You're suddenly now in College. You spend nights wondering what you should do next time and days wishing you've donw better in the past. Your emotions whirl you round when you see that special person, pain or joy.Then suddenly, you've graduated.
You're out there fighting for a spot in life to survive. Everyday, you eat someone else and someone does it. It's a dog eat dog world out there, backstabbing is but the norm. You're gonna work your so hard that you will lose so many days of sleep that you don't want to ever work another day in your life anymore. Everybody just wants to live. You're gonna meet a girl that is worth your time and you'll chase her. 30 years flies by and you're doing your last day o work, it's time for retirement. You take life easy but your children may not choose to stay with you. It's their choice, no matter. Now you have all the wealth you need, and the most virtuous and patient woman by your side. Life is perfect... Until the last day. You are too weak to stand, to even sit up. Everybody is crying and you can't do a thing about it...your breaths are numbered, they get shallower and shallower, the world becomes a little dimmer more, and fades. It's like falling asleep...but only you never wake up again. I want you to live a life where people will see you go, smiling as they tear. For you were such a great man, ever flowing with goodness and kindness, and not remembered as the stingy of myself. Get that lad? Life will pass by you fast, you only have one, chance. Take that chance, and make the amendments of my lost time. That is life. I only feel regretful that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live so when you join me here, tell me about yours okay?"
"Yes grandfather...now i understand what you meant so many decades ago..."
Lennon thought as he glanced at his son, playing with a toy plane in the corner, the same glitter in his eyes so many years ago.
"Now john...it will be your turn to read this soon"
Maybe if you tried to take a different perspective it would be enough to change the way you looked at life...
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Gone
Somehow i really hate to see scars. Especially those on the wrist/arms/ ankle cus i get really edgy. It reminds me of the promise i made long ago; i don't think i'm supposed to forget it so soon. And every time i see another scar i get this strange urge to hug the person and tell the person that things will be okay. Cus i can literally feel that pain. My heart really aches and my emotions go haywire and i remember something i swore back then, that i'd never want another person to feel the same way i did ever again if i could do something to help.
Maybe that's why i keep trying to make another person smile again maybe that's why i try so damn hard only to get nothing in return. Maybe i've tried too long and too hard. I'm real tired and real frustrated i'm goddamn sick of being the middle person, always being the mediator and speaking up for others for their mistakes. What do i have? I get ridiculed. I get pitied. I hope i wont explode because if i do this time it will be really ugly. My last one destroyed me. I think this one will take someones face way down the drain.
I think i'm only snapping like this because of the things i've seen today. PDS today started harsh but throughout there was teasing and the air was light. But this subconscious of mine had somehow picked up that everyone was finding success with their girl and i'm the only one too scared to make a move. I guess it struck me a little too hard that maybe i'm not the right person anyway. Then i had to come between a 3-way complication somehow that has me unknowingly involved. Then later in the evening i watched this show which shows how a man needed to choose between his love and his emperor. Here's the ultimatum.
If he stays in the palace, he loses the girl and instead needs to stay with another girl he absolutely hates to the core. If he leaves, the whole team must die by the sword of the emperor. So i guess all this and the recent weeks of work piling up on me caused me to just leak a little of anger. Leadership isn't something i'm cut out for. NCC isn't really my thing i just learnt today. I'm no leader i'm a diplomat. I'm a middleman i'm no lion i'm no sheep i'm the shepherd. I guess after this competition. I guess i'll stop coming back to ncc. COC is something i really wanted to go but i was heavily put off not by the course but by the people inside. JX Yap is the first example after he got in a fight with someone from peirce. He made the whole COC thing lose its prestige. You got a fucking rank but you went all anal about someone spinning his pen and actually naming that disruption of lesson and direct disrespect. Then you lost the argument after the two teachers went down to confront you. I swear when that news reached us our unit cheered. The way i see it the instructor at that time had no damn problem with it. Maybe i'll come back again to lend support but that's all i'll do. No more commitment to this. Maybe this year's speech day and next year's POP. I'll support the sec 2's as they take and learn the ropes. Then on the rg side i guess its about time their teacher officers took action against me. So... I don't think i'll get to go back there anymore too. So..yeah. I can firmly say my loss of interest in ncc was because of the 'all mighty' impression the CLT's gave me at the start.
I think now at this time i don't want anyone's assurance except for yours. But... I don't dare talk to you and i don't want to disturb you.
I guess that's why. I'm still scared of romantic feelings and that's what's spoiling the day. Maybe i can meet someone who can take the initiative sometimes. Not all the time. Not that i've met anyone so promising either...
Maybe that's why i keep trying to make another person smile again maybe that's why i try so damn hard only to get nothing in return. Maybe i've tried too long and too hard. I'm real tired and real frustrated i'm goddamn sick of being the middle person, always being the mediator and speaking up for others for their mistakes. What do i have? I get ridiculed. I get pitied. I hope i wont explode because if i do this time it will be really ugly. My last one destroyed me. I think this one will take someones face way down the drain.
I think i'm only snapping like this because of the things i've seen today. PDS today started harsh but throughout there was teasing and the air was light. But this subconscious of mine had somehow picked up that everyone was finding success with their girl and i'm the only one too scared to make a move. I guess it struck me a little too hard that maybe i'm not the right person anyway. Then i had to come between a 3-way complication somehow that has me unknowingly involved. Then later in the evening i watched this show which shows how a man needed to choose between his love and his emperor. Here's the ultimatum.
If he stays in the palace, he loses the girl and instead needs to stay with another girl he absolutely hates to the core. If he leaves, the whole team must die by the sword of the emperor. So i guess all this and the recent weeks of work piling up on me caused me to just leak a little of anger. Leadership isn't something i'm cut out for. NCC isn't really my thing i just learnt today. I'm no leader i'm a diplomat. I'm a middleman i'm no lion i'm no sheep i'm the shepherd. I guess after this competition. I guess i'll stop coming back to ncc. COC is something i really wanted to go but i was heavily put off not by the course but by the people inside. JX Yap is the first example after he got in a fight with someone from peirce. He made the whole COC thing lose its prestige. You got a fucking rank but you went all anal about someone spinning his pen and actually naming that disruption of lesson and direct disrespect. Then you lost the argument after the two teachers went down to confront you. I swear when that news reached us our unit cheered. The way i see it the instructor at that time had no damn problem with it. Maybe i'll come back again to lend support but that's all i'll do. No more commitment to this. Maybe this year's speech day and next year's POP. I'll support the sec 2's as they take and learn the ropes. Then on the rg side i guess its about time their teacher officers took action against me. So... I don't think i'll get to go back there anymore too. So..yeah. I can firmly say my loss of interest in ncc was because of the 'all mighty' impression the CLT's gave me at the start.
I think now at this time i don't want anyone's assurance except for yours. But... I don't dare talk to you and i don't want to disturb you.
I guess that's why. I'm still scared of romantic feelings and that's what's spoiling the day. Maybe i can meet someone who can take the initiative sometimes. Not all the time. Not that i've met anyone so promising either...
Wednesday, 19 March 2014
Starfall.
"Happiness is like a butterfly. You've gotta find it and let it rest on your palm. But it's still gonna fly away again and you've gotta find it all over again and that's what makes happiness so addictive"
Pride is important. You still need that pride as a person, for whatever. Pride can bring about respect and admiration and it can lead. But that same thing can bring about disdain and disgust. Ever since my 'stint' in NCC it made me learn that i'd rather be guide than a role model in training, then be the role model when needed. Or at least to be what is needed, when it is needed. What is the point of being fierce all the time when you can be at the right times? What are you trying to put across? I mean think of it. In training, you are senior and junior. Outside of training, friends. Then there is this issue fhat When it comes to being strict, some are leaders and some are bosses and i agree to this that leaders says 'lets go' while bosses tells you 'go'. And most importantly, those that deserve the respect are those that dive into the crap with you, survive with you, guide you through and feel the satisfaction with you. So far... There's only one person i've met and i still really respect that guy. I wonder where he is now. Because he made me realise that above respect, above ability and above rank the most important thing is none other than the bond. It's pretty useless if you've got the rank but everyone else wants to slap the shit out of you.
Today for the first time i made such a big mistake. I forgot that i will get tired sigh. I got home and just lay down on the floor for A MINUTE. BAM suddenly it's 8 pm. And now i'm still tired as hell. Once this competition is over i'll eat and sleep well and rest and do my stuff. I'm so tired sigh its actually pretty tough waking up so early ( again) ((been six months since i did it)) and i'm not eating properly again. 2 meals a day if i remember. Ahh... But hey i'm feeling pretty good. Gordon and Irah passed i'm so happy for them :D
I'm still a little curious about this Star but i'm also a little annoyed. The anonymosity was fun at first but over time, if you keep asking me how i was doing i would have the impression of you as a stalker... So i'd rather this Star person actually talked to me. I have this impression that she is under sec 3, a quiet person with a small circle of friends and quite introverted. I hope i will be that surprised if she ever tells me who she is. I don't like to wait.
And and. I haven't talke to her in awhile. Oh wells... No girl problems for now and that's a good thing. No going emo over a girl no hole in my wallet and no time spent fussing over her for now. In that same sense i'm free to go find someone suitable maybe? Anyway i can get comfortable around people quite easily ever since the changes i had to go through._. and maybe even access feelings on the first meeting if i feel like it. Since recently i've been seeing alot of interesting people. There's this one i just noticed today and i'm starting to find her really cute. Like she's my type. Those that knows how to pull their weight and what to do. They know. And that's really sexy.
Pride is important. You still need that pride as a person, for whatever. Pride can bring about respect and admiration and it can lead. But that same thing can bring about disdain and disgust. Ever since my 'stint' in NCC it made me learn that i'd rather be guide than a role model in training, then be the role model when needed. Or at least to be what is needed, when it is needed. What is the point of being fierce all the time when you can be at the right times? What are you trying to put across? I mean think of it. In training, you are senior and junior. Outside of training, friends. Then there is this issue fhat When it comes to being strict, some are leaders and some are bosses and i agree to this that leaders says 'lets go' while bosses tells you 'go'. And most importantly, those that deserve the respect are those that dive into the crap with you, survive with you, guide you through and feel the satisfaction with you. So far... There's only one person i've met and i still really respect that guy. I wonder where he is now. Because he made me realise that above respect, above ability and above rank the most important thing is none other than the bond. It's pretty useless if you've got the rank but everyone else wants to slap the shit out of you.
Today for the first time i made such a big mistake. I forgot that i will get tired sigh. I got home and just lay down on the floor for A MINUTE. BAM suddenly it's 8 pm. And now i'm still tired as hell. Once this competition is over i'll eat and sleep well and rest and do my stuff. I'm so tired sigh its actually pretty tough waking up so early ( again) ((been six months since i did it)) and i'm not eating properly again. 2 meals a day if i remember. Ahh... But hey i'm feeling pretty good. Gordon and Irah passed i'm so happy for them :D
I'm still a little curious about this Star but i'm also a little annoyed. The anonymosity was fun at first but over time, if you keep asking me how i was doing i would have the impression of you as a stalker... So i'd rather this Star person actually talked to me. I have this impression that she is under sec 3, a quiet person with a small circle of friends and quite introverted. I hope i will be that surprised if she ever tells me who she is. I don't like to wait.
And and. I haven't talke to her in awhile. Oh wells... No girl problems for now and that's a good thing. No going emo over a girl no hole in my wallet and no time spent fussing over her for now. In that same sense i'm free to go find someone suitable maybe? Anyway i can get comfortable around people quite easily ever since the changes i had to go through._. and maybe even access feelings on the first meeting if i feel like it. Since recently i've been seeing alot of interesting people. There's this one i just noticed today and i'm starting to find her really cute. Like she's my type. Those that knows how to pull their weight and what to do. They know. And that's really sexy.
Sunday, 16 March 2014
Repeat and repent
I think that what's most important is not the rank you can achieve but the respect you can gain. A hundred loyal men can do more than a thousand slaves. Okay i'm actually a revolutionarist. I like seeing huge changes and revokes because that means people are moving and thinking, whether they want to or not. Maybe a little rebellious too.
Peirce won the Central District. That was one of the best things this week i swear. But that means next monday i have to wake up early to return the trophy sigh... Harsher and longer trainings. For both schools i'm hoping cos i'm going into high gear myself and they'd better be ready and my high gear if i remember correctly is pretty insane too. The Grand Finals, i hope Peirce can get into top 3 and RGS in 2nd place. Man i'd be the happiest person in HQ by then. I'm expecting a strong show on the 29th. I'm expecting a good performance from both sides. I don't want to be disappointed.
I'm such an idiot. I'm dying to confess. But... I don't want to cause a disaster again. Ah... Someone please tell me what to do. I suck at this feelings shit.
Well i don't have much today and i'm pretty sleepy so i think i'll leave this quote here.
A person can be defined when finally exhausted on his long journey; when he sees how far he still has to go or how far he has gone.
Peirce won the Central District. That was one of the best things this week i swear. But that means next monday i have to wake up early to return the trophy sigh... Harsher and longer trainings. For both schools i'm hoping cos i'm going into high gear myself and they'd better be ready and my high gear if i remember correctly is pretty insane too. The Grand Finals, i hope Peirce can get into top 3 and RGS in 2nd place. Man i'd be the happiest person in HQ by then. I'm expecting a strong show on the 29th. I'm expecting a good performance from both sides. I don't want to be disappointed.
I'm such an idiot. I'm dying to confess. But... I don't want to cause a disaster again. Ah... Someone please tell me what to do. I suck at this feelings shit.
Well i don't have much today and i'm pretty sleepy so i think i'll leave this quote here.
A person can be defined when finally exhausted on his long journey; when he sees how far he still has to go or how far he has gone.
Friday, 14 March 2014
Just a little being me
One day you feel like the most confident person. Like you can tilt your head up and walk. All that takes is just one little incident to affect you and you walk the streets head down not even wanting to have the barest of eye contact with a stranger. Then you see a heart-wrenching sight. You're the most helpful person around. So many personality changes in a week. Thats's what's like being me. I can't say for sure that it's me because i'm everywhere and everything and i learn what i need to to suit that state of mind. So like last week i was a confident leader. Now i'm not sure where i am. I'm questioning everything i do, i can barely look at people in the eye and i lose my temper more easily. It's the mood where i don't want to do anything, i don't want to talk to anybody i don't want to see anyone i just want to be alone. I'm kind of waiting for the next thing to switch me back up again. It takes so little to make such a wave in my heart. Sigh...bipolar. Especially this. Everytime i see a girl getting mistreated by a guy i know i think to myself, hey i can treat you better than he can a thousand times. Then i remember the disaster i made and go "nevermind".
I think i'm gonna stop pds for good. Like after this competition period i'm gonna stop. It's too tiring, i don't get anything out of it and even if i wanted to pursue it i have not much of a talent in it so why waste the time. This sucks.
You know that feeling where you just want to like lean on someone and cry things out or just scream some stuff out and you're all panicky inside. I think that's how i am now.
Come morning i shouldn't be this down anymore. I have my school to support! I know they're nervous and i'll definitely be there for them. More than half of this team is first timers. Heh they'll have my full assurance. I still have dinner. I can't wait for monday and i actually want to see Larissa again it's been so long i wonder how my 'enemy' has been HAHA i miss primary school. You'd be complaining about such easy work and even though it was still complaining it's so much easier than dealing with people like maintaining relations and stuff. I hate maintaining relationships somehow. So troublesome. I prefer just a person who i can click with easily and quickly and just stay there like yaknw. I'm lazy.
I think i'm gonna stop pds for good. Like after this competition period i'm gonna stop. It's too tiring, i don't get anything out of it and even if i wanted to pursue it i have not much of a talent in it so why waste the time. This sucks.
You know that feeling where you just want to like lean on someone and cry things out or just scream some stuff out and you're all panicky inside. I think that's how i am now.
Come morning i shouldn't be this down anymore. I have my school to support! I know they're nervous and i'll definitely be there for them. More than half of this team is first timers. Heh they'll have my full assurance. I still have dinner. I can't wait for monday and i actually want to see Larissa again it's been so long i wonder how my 'enemy' has been HAHA i miss primary school. You'd be complaining about such easy work and even though it was still complaining it's so much easier than dealing with people like maintaining relations and stuff. I hate maintaining relationships somehow. So troublesome. I prefer just a person who i can click with easily and quickly and just stay there like yaknw. I'm lazy.
Tuesday, 11 March 2014
It's all fun til..
It's been quite awhile since i felt the pressure of things on me. So much this time. I have fragments of the past coming back, i have commitments now and i have worries and hopes of the future all crashing into me tonight.
It's not every night that the past and my old nicknames tickles the scars i have. The way i am now i'd love to go back and punch myself in the face. Why'd i choose to be a playboy before? Maybe it was to find myself maybe it was for a sadistic satisfaction but i can never answer to myself anymore and all that's left that i can actually do is to forgive myself. Maybe i'll need a little more time on this. I was an emotionless creature once. Like nothing would impress me and nothing could knock me down and only my memories of her would stir the mess inside. Everytime i think of her, or someone reminds me of her i actually still think what i could have done, then i remember that what matters is she is happy now. That aside. I keep reminding myself of my old flaws. I have enough now and they're still there. And things i should have done. I'm sick of having people take advantage of me and i'm really sick of being a middleman. What do i get out of that? One sided appreciation, or dual-sided anger.
Then now. PDS is starting to weigh heavily on me. I don't fucking understand why you would be so fucking anal about letting a weaker team enter the school. It is MY training. I don't need to go to you but no i gave you face over and over again. After you go, then i'll revive the unit. All for your worthless face infront of your girlfriend. Too bad she hasn't seen what you done. Should i replay them?
Plus work. I have a nice manager no doubt but a few condescending coworkers and it sucks to work. I'm starting to dread work... Just when i began to be interested again.
Then the future. I'm uncertain about everything. Where i should go what i should do who should i go to and this feeling sucks. but it's something i have to learn to handle. Its a milestone for me. I'll work out every last detail and i'll make things work. One day i'll turn back and say i've conquered that future.
Doesn't change the fact i'mfeeling like shit. It's really a nostalgic feeling. This one that i might succumb to the pressure and i'd like to, for once have someone proper to lean on. I don't want to meet someone that's gonna be like, 'hey i'm here and i'm gone' hell no. That's why i really hate being close to people. That feeling when things turn sour...urgh. I want to meet someone that will choose to stay for a long time. I don't want to spend time and time over again familiarising myself with other people. Just maybe i'll meet someone who wants to be with me? Or even more. Takes the initiative.
Don't really like how my mind is all over the place. Just gonna sleep or shit...
It's not every night that the past and my old nicknames tickles the scars i have. The way i am now i'd love to go back and punch myself in the face. Why'd i choose to be a playboy before? Maybe it was to find myself maybe it was for a sadistic satisfaction but i can never answer to myself anymore and all that's left that i can actually do is to forgive myself. Maybe i'll need a little more time on this. I was an emotionless creature once. Like nothing would impress me and nothing could knock me down and only my memories of her would stir the mess inside. Everytime i think of her, or someone reminds me of her i actually still think what i could have done, then i remember that what matters is she is happy now. That aside. I keep reminding myself of my old flaws. I have enough now and they're still there. And things i should have done. I'm sick of having people take advantage of me and i'm really sick of being a middleman. What do i get out of that? One sided appreciation, or dual-sided anger.
Then now. PDS is starting to weigh heavily on me. I don't fucking understand why you would be so fucking anal about letting a weaker team enter the school. It is MY training. I don't need to go to you but no i gave you face over and over again. After you go, then i'll revive the unit. All for your worthless face infront of your girlfriend. Too bad she hasn't seen what you done. Should i replay them?
Plus work. I have a nice manager no doubt but a few condescending coworkers and it sucks to work. I'm starting to dread work... Just when i began to be interested again.
Then the future. I'm uncertain about everything. Where i should go what i should do who should i go to and this feeling sucks. but it's something i have to learn to handle. Its a milestone for me. I'll work out every last detail and i'll make things work. One day i'll turn back and say i've conquered that future.
Doesn't change the fact i'mfeeling like shit. It's really a nostalgic feeling. This one that i might succumb to the pressure and i'd like to, for once have someone proper to lean on. I don't want to meet someone that's gonna be like, 'hey i'm here and i'm gone' hell no. That's why i really hate being close to people. That feeling when things turn sour...urgh. I want to meet someone that will choose to stay for a long time. I don't want to spend time and time over again familiarising myself with other people. Just maybe i'll meet someone who wants to be with me? Or even more. Takes the initiative.
Don't really like how my mind is all over the place. Just gonna sleep or shit...
Saturday, 8 March 2014
The man in the straight jacket
"So can i ask Mr Thompson what actually happened in the house?" The police hauls in a huge man accused of mass murdering who sits before them, laughing to himself.
"So how would you know how it feels, to have a good life. A good family. A steady household and stable bonds. And lose them all in an instant? Maybe i should try it to you too. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I'm not crazy... I'm normal. I can remember the past see? I still can tell you what happened. Believe me i'm not mad...
I think my papa done something. Something bad. The local mafia were always banging on our door. Loud. So loud. They would scream and shout in all the funny tongues. My father would always hide behind the bed shivering. Bad. He say he owed them money. Much money. I didn't understand. But they would always stop on Sundays. Papa would go out with mommy somewhere and i would be left alone in the house. I like being alone. I get to think and laugh and no one would shout at me. My younger brother would play hide and seek up and down two stories of the house and it was so fun. Then monday come. The screaming starts again. I go to school and the kids laugh me. I am so big and ugly. I don't like the kids. I want to kill them but the pretty teacher says it is bad and i don't want to be a bad boy. So i laugh with them but i am still sad. Hehe. I like this girl. She is pretty. I like pretty girls.'
"This guy is fucking ridiculous. What the hell is going on in his head?!?" Inspector watches through the CCTV that watches his room. "Why the fuck is he telling us his story?!"
'2 years. So fast pass. I go big school. So many people in big school. People are still laughing at me i don't know why. I am still sad. I go home and always feel so empty like this monster ate my heart. One Sunday i wake up. The whole house is empty. But it's too empty. I slowly walk out of my room. Drip...drip... I hear. I slowly walk to the kitchen. I see blood all over the walls. I run up to the living room to hide. I see man kicking papa's body and taking off mummy's clothes and throwing her around. I get so angry i run back into kitchen and take a chopper. I stab him many times. I keep stabbing him until my skin is all red. my ceiling is red. The walls are all red. People in blue shirt charge into the house with small gun shouting. I am scared and i run faster. I stab and stab until their blue shirt turn red. I kick and i swing and i break their heads and i'm having a bad headache i'm screaming and i'm crying i don't understand. I don't remember...'
-By now the man is crying and sniggering to himself-
'Suddenly i wake up in funny jacket. I cannot move. I can hear my papa calling me to join him. I should go join him'
The man shoots his head up and his eyes roll back. He emits a blood-curdling scream as blood spews from his mouth onto the CCTV camera blocking out the view.
People rush into the room to stop him. By now almost everyone in the observatory room is crying from shock or vomiting in disgust.
"Sir the man has bitten his tongue and he is losing blood too fa-"
-ARGHHH-
"Papa tell my to bring friends along. I should bring some people along"
By the time the inspector got to the room, his best men were all killed by bite wounds to their neck. All by a man in a straight jacket.
"So how would you know how it feels, to have a good life. A good family. A steady household and stable bonds. And lose them all in an instant? Maybe i should try it to you too. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I'm not crazy... I'm normal. I can remember the past see? I still can tell you what happened. Believe me i'm not mad...
I think my papa done something. Something bad. The local mafia were always banging on our door. Loud. So loud. They would scream and shout in all the funny tongues. My father would always hide behind the bed shivering. Bad. He say he owed them money. Much money. I didn't understand. But they would always stop on Sundays. Papa would go out with mommy somewhere and i would be left alone in the house. I like being alone. I get to think and laugh and no one would shout at me. My younger brother would play hide and seek up and down two stories of the house and it was so fun. Then monday come. The screaming starts again. I go to school and the kids laugh me. I am so big and ugly. I don't like the kids. I want to kill them but the pretty teacher says it is bad and i don't want to be a bad boy. So i laugh with them but i am still sad. Hehe. I like this girl. She is pretty. I like pretty girls.'
"This guy is fucking ridiculous. What the hell is going on in his head?!?" Inspector watches through the CCTV that watches his room. "Why the fuck is he telling us his story?!"
'2 years. So fast pass. I go big school. So many people in big school. People are still laughing at me i don't know why. I am still sad. I go home and always feel so empty like this monster ate my heart. One Sunday i wake up. The whole house is empty. But it's too empty. I slowly walk out of my room. Drip...drip... I hear. I slowly walk to the kitchen. I see blood all over the walls. I run up to the living room to hide. I see man kicking papa's body and taking off mummy's clothes and throwing her around. I get so angry i run back into kitchen and take a chopper. I stab him many times. I keep stabbing him until my skin is all red. my ceiling is red. The walls are all red. People in blue shirt charge into the house with small gun shouting. I am scared and i run faster. I stab and stab until their blue shirt turn red. I kick and i swing and i break their heads and i'm having a bad headache i'm screaming and i'm crying i don't understand. I don't remember...'
-By now the man is crying and sniggering to himself-
'Suddenly i wake up in funny jacket. I cannot move. I can hear my papa calling me to join him. I should go join him'
The man shoots his head up and his eyes roll back. He emits a blood-curdling scream as blood spews from his mouth onto the CCTV camera blocking out the view.
People rush into the room to stop him. By now almost everyone in the observatory room is crying from shock or vomiting in disgust.
"Sir the man has bitten his tongue and he is losing blood too fa-"
-ARGHHH-
"Papa tell my to bring friends along. I should bring some people along"
By the time the inspector got to the room, his best men were all killed by bite wounds to their neck. All by a man in a straight jacket.
Because PDS is so fun
'If you get there before i do, don't give up on me...'
So... Yesterday's playlist is moody. All the love songs are on replay and no i'm not talking about the happy ones anytime soon. Songs like Just Once and Vincent and and and Sometimes When We Touch. Mind you those are all oldies. Just fitting for a tiring day. It's been so long since i had to wake at 7? Rush out to buy breakfast( rare again) and take a half an hour bus ride to my favourite school( ever rarer cos it made me go low on card value damn :P) and I swear training with a shoulder injury feels like the worse thing ever. I still haven't got my jeup hook and M-hook proper and i still gotta perfect my drills. I have a week left and hopefully by next monday my drills can improve again. The nights of planning all went to waste.. But hopefully their plan turns out fine. Not that i would mind the plan failing but it's their first competition in PDS and i hope for them to at least get a good position. Then i had to remember that heyyyyy..... Peirce. I'm devoting so much time into PDS and i don't even know why. Guess i'm really that passionate heh :P i'm still skeptical about my schooI because all the days of the week will be training days and should they overstrain themselves before the prelims, that is no news to bear. feel really worried too... The other team's first time will be facing off with schools like Springfield, Yishun Town and Bukit Panjang. The pinnacles of the PDS teams. I wonder...
Man i'm kind of scared that they may freak out. That they may slip because of the crowd pressure. That... They may even blank out. I think i might need to play the bad guy...? I can't even bear to raise my voice to a girl what more a team.
Why am i so worried anyways. I still have work. I have school starting real soon. And i have one more problem nibbling at me sigh... Its kinda all fun and games until you see the magnitude of the future tasks stacking on your back.
And here is where i get a little weird. I start think about the carefully planned social and cultural structures around the world and then i think back to( okay more like imagine) the stone ages. Humans had problems but they were willing to solve it with their head(literally maybe) and there were no laws and everyone were free.
Then someone made the fire. Someone made a container. Someone counted. Someone spoke. Someone agreed to get a lot of people into towns. And that someone had to think of something that could control the people in order to keep peace and his town prospering. Then i start thinking about well... The society now. We have so many problems but why not go back to how it was all solved? No restrictions of society. No fear of judgement. It's little wonder eh. Raise your voice in public and you're a ruffian. A little splay of violence and you're a vulgar gangster. People now choose to hide behind screens and fight. Now people use wealth, power and influence do their dirty stuff. But really whoever the hell you are. Everyone is born a human and dies a human and no life is worth lesser than another. Quite appaling how no one believes in that statement anymore.
Let's take a simple sentence of proof that this restriction of society is prevalent.
How well you do in your studies determines your worth in society. Psychologically and literally.
Too many people are trained to work and not to think especially in Singapore. I don't remember seeing Primary school kids carrying bags bigger than themselves anywhere else in the world.
All that talk and i still can't get myself out of one thing. I still can't stop worrying about someone damnn. She improved so much and so quickly it scares me a little. I don't want her to injure herself like how i did in the past. Sure it makes you imprve fast but... Not over such a long period.
And hey. I'm still a teenager no matter how old my head screams i am. Infatuations are bound to come. I don't want to rant to anyone cos it'll br so weird so i'll do it here. I still find her so cute *~* and her voice. Damn. The way her hair curls. Sweet. Okay now i sound like a stalker GAHAHA. It always started when i hear her being bullied. Maybe i like to be the knight in shining armor :P
So... Yesterday's playlist is moody. All the love songs are on replay and no i'm not talking about the happy ones anytime soon. Songs like Just Once and Vincent and and and Sometimes When We Touch. Mind you those are all oldies. Just fitting for a tiring day. It's been so long since i had to wake at 7? Rush out to buy breakfast( rare again) and take a half an hour bus ride to my favourite school( ever rarer cos it made me go low on card value damn :P) and I swear training with a shoulder injury feels like the worse thing ever. I still haven't got my jeup hook and M-hook proper and i still gotta perfect my drills. I have a week left and hopefully by next monday my drills can improve again. The nights of planning all went to waste.. But hopefully their plan turns out fine. Not that i would mind the plan failing but it's their first competition in PDS and i hope for them to at least get a good position. Then i had to remember that heyyyyy..... Peirce. I'm devoting so much time into PDS and i don't even know why. Guess i'm really that passionate heh :P i'm still skeptical about my schooI because all the days of the week will be training days and should they overstrain themselves before the prelims, that is no news to bear. feel really worried too... The other team's first time will be facing off with schools like Springfield, Yishun Town and Bukit Panjang. The pinnacles of the PDS teams. I wonder...
Man i'm kind of scared that they may freak out. That they may slip because of the crowd pressure. That... They may even blank out. I think i might need to play the bad guy...? I can't even bear to raise my voice to a girl what more a team.
Why am i so worried anyways. I still have work. I have school starting real soon. And i have one more problem nibbling at me sigh... Its kinda all fun and games until you see the magnitude of the future tasks stacking on your back.
And here is where i get a little weird. I start think about the carefully planned social and cultural structures around the world and then i think back to( okay more like imagine) the stone ages. Humans had problems but they were willing to solve it with their head(literally maybe) and there were no laws and everyone were free.
Then someone made the fire. Someone made a container. Someone counted. Someone spoke. Someone agreed to get a lot of people into towns. And that someone had to think of something that could control the people in order to keep peace and his town prospering. Then i start thinking about well... The society now. We have so many problems but why not go back to how it was all solved? No restrictions of society. No fear of judgement. It's little wonder eh. Raise your voice in public and you're a ruffian. A little splay of violence and you're a vulgar gangster. People now choose to hide behind screens and fight. Now people use wealth, power and influence do their dirty stuff. But really whoever the hell you are. Everyone is born a human and dies a human and no life is worth lesser than another. Quite appaling how no one believes in that statement anymore.
Let's take a simple sentence of proof that this restriction of society is prevalent.
How well you do in your studies determines your worth in society. Psychologically and literally.
Too many people are trained to work and not to think especially in Singapore. I don't remember seeing Primary school kids carrying bags bigger than themselves anywhere else in the world.
All that talk and i still can't get myself out of one thing. I still can't stop worrying about someone damnn. She improved so much and so quickly it scares me a little. I don't want her to injure herself like how i did in the past. Sure it makes you imprve fast but... Not over such a long period.
And hey. I'm still a teenager no matter how old my head screams i am. Infatuations are bound to come. I don't want to rant to anyone cos it'll br so weird so i'll do it here. I still find her so cute *~* and her voice. Damn. The way her hair curls. Sweet. Okay now i sound like a stalker GAHAHA. It always started when i hear her being bullied. Maybe i like to be the knight in shining armor :P
Monday, 3 March 2014
What satisfies
I think that for someone to be happy he must first have his fair share of pain, then his fair share of humility. Happiness without appreciation is simply a state of high, happiness without restraint is plain arrogance. Because one cannot exist without the other like there would be no happiness if there were no suffering. But i feel that that suffering is subject to perspective. A spoilt child would be angry when not given the things she wants but a hungry man will be satisfied with a small but given meal. I think that because it's singapore that so many kids have such high expectations. Come one, you see toddlers meddling with Ipads and iphones. Every batch of kids are more and more sheltered and spoilt that even a little sauce of the side of a plate is seen as an abomination of a stain. I seen people complaining that they do not have enough to buy MacDonalds but back then i was still pretty opinionless. Until i worked and i saw this man. Honestly and in no way discriminatory, he is mentally retarded and I have never seen him take his meal before. Instead he would pack it. I asked out of curiosity and his reply was to pack it for his mother. Kind of makes you think... I mean if you really have financial problems and you're complaining about lack of food, no complaints there but about not having mac? That's plain shitty. Major turnoff i swear. This man is mentally unstable and he is the one sent to work. I really wonder how his family is like.. So i always want to think twice before uttering words like 'i have no money to buy luxuries'
Then ever since starting work in Central this hit me real hard. If you can't be happy alone you damned as hell won't be happy with someone. How true... Because at the end of the day. When you close your eyes for the night your heart plays behind the eyelids and while it's true that someone else can be your companion but the pain felt will be only be by yourself. So i think that maybe only when you can really tell yourself that the past still affects but its not going to pull the future, only then maybe you're ready. I think i might be. And once that comes you hell better be ready to put down the past. I remembered how i started working and i would see someone really attractive sometimes and my mind would just play images of you know... Maybe i got her number and maybe we would date and maybe maybe. But that always dragged back to a certain someone and i had my mood spoiled and my day ruined but as time went, not so much, no more and now i'm free. Sure thinking back nibbles me a little from time to time but i'm dying to see new. Seems i threw a lot out of my mind for this.
15th and 29th march. I'm losing sleep for this. The PDS competitions are coming up and i think i'm even more anxious than the competitors. Well i'm training myself( getting myself injured much too) harder than usual because... I don't know how i can teach the other school. They are comparatively weaker and slower and some even i believe is burdening the team. What am i to do... There's training tomorrow. Mayday's concert is tomorrow... Fuck. I really wanna go.
Man.. Drank too much soup and slept. Feeling like shit now.
Then ever since starting work in Central this hit me real hard. If you can't be happy alone you damned as hell won't be happy with someone. How true... Because at the end of the day. When you close your eyes for the night your heart plays behind the eyelids and while it's true that someone else can be your companion but the pain felt will be only be by yourself. So i think that maybe only when you can really tell yourself that the past still affects but its not going to pull the future, only then maybe you're ready. I think i might be. And once that comes you hell better be ready to put down the past. I remembered how i started working and i would see someone really attractive sometimes and my mind would just play images of you know... Maybe i got her number and maybe we would date and maybe maybe. But that always dragged back to a certain someone and i had my mood spoiled and my day ruined but as time went, not so much, no more and now i'm free. Sure thinking back nibbles me a little from time to time but i'm dying to see new. Seems i threw a lot out of my mind for this.
15th and 29th march. I'm losing sleep for this. The PDS competitions are coming up and i think i'm even more anxious than the competitors. Well i'm training myself( getting myself injured much too) harder than usual because... I don't know how i can teach the other school. They are comparatively weaker and slower and some even i believe is burdening the team. What am i to do... There's training tomorrow. Mayday's concert is tomorrow... Fuck. I really wanna go.
Man.. Drank too much soup and slept. Feeling like shit now.
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