Gone

Somehow i really hate to see scars. Especially those on the wrist/arms/ ankle cus i get really edgy. It reminds me of the promise i made long ago; i don't think i'm supposed to forget it so soon. And every time i see another scar i get this strange urge to hug the person and tell the person that things will be okay. Cus i can literally feel that pain. My heart really aches and my emotions go haywire and i remember something i swore back then, that i'd never want another person to feel the same way i did ever again if i could do something to help.

Maybe that's why i keep trying to make another person smile again maybe that's why i try so damn hard only to get nothing in return. Maybe i've tried too long and too hard. I'm real tired and real frustrated i'm goddamn sick of being the middle person, always being the mediator and speaking up for others for their mistakes. What do i have? I get ridiculed. I get pitied. I hope i wont explode because if i do this time it will be really ugly. My last one destroyed me. I think this one will take someones face way down the drain.

I think i'm only snapping like this because of the things i've seen today. PDS today started harsh but throughout there was teasing and the air was light. But this subconscious of mine had somehow picked up that everyone was finding success with their girl and i'm the only one too scared to make a move. I guess it struck me a little too hard that maybe i'm not the right person anyway. Then i had to come between a 3-way complication somehow that has me unknowingly involved. Then later in the evening i watched this show which shows how a man needed to choose between his love and his emperor. Here's the ultimatum.
If he stays in the palace, he loses the girl and instead needs to stay with another girl he absolutely hates to the core. If he leaves, the whole team must die by the sword of the emperor. So i guess all this and the recent weeks of work piling up on me caused me to just leak a little of anger. Leadership isn't something i'm cut out for. NCC isn't really my thing i just learnt today. I'm no leader i'm a diplomat. I'm a middleman i'm no lion i'm no sheep i'm the shepherd. I guess after this competition. I guess i'll stop coming back to ncc. COC is something i really wanted to go but i was heavily put off not by the course but by the people inside. JX Yap is the first example after he got in a fight with someone from peirce. He made the whole COC thing lose its prestige. You got a fucking rank but you went all anal about someone spinning his pen and actually naming that disruption of lesson and direct disrespect. Then you lost the argument after the two teachers went down to confront you. I swear when that news reached us our unit cheered. The way i see it the instructor at that time had no damn problem with it. Maybe i'll come back again to lend support but that's all i'll do. No more commitment to this. Maybe this year's speech day and next year's POP. I'll support the sec 2's as they take and learn the ropes. Then on the rg side i guess its about time their teacher officers took action against me. So... I don't think i'll get to go back there anymore too. So..yeah. I can firmly say my loss of interest in ncc was because of the 'all mighty' impression the CLT's gave me at the start.

I think now at this time i don't want anyone's assurance except for yours. But... I don't dare talk to you and i don't want to disturb you.
I guess that's why. I'm still scared of romantic feelings and that's what's spoiling the day. Maybe i can meet someone who can take the initiative sometimes. Not all the time. Not that i've met anyone so promising either...