It's been quite awhile since i felt the pressure of things on me. So much this time. I have fragments of the past coming back, i have commitments now and i have worries and hopes of the future all crashing into me tonight.
It's not every night that the past and my old nicknames tickles the scars i have. The way i am now i'd love to go back and punch myself in the face. Why'd i choose to be a playboy before? Maybe it was to find myself maybe it was for a sadistic satisfaction but i can never answer to myself anymore and all that's left that i can actually do is to forgive myself. Maybe i'll need a little more time on this. I was an emotionless creature once. Like nothing would impress me and nothing could knock me down and only my memories of her would stir the mess inside. Everytime i think of her, or someone reminds me of her i actually still think what i could have done, then i remember that what matters is she is happy now. That aside. I keep reminding myself of my old flaws. I have enough now and they're still there. And things i should have done. I'm sick of having people take advantage of me and i'm really sick of being a middleman. What do i get out of that? One sided appreciation, or dual-sided anger.
Then now. PDS is starting to weigh heavily on me. I don't fucking understand why you would be so fucking anal about letting a weaker team enter the school. It is MY training. I don't need to go to you but no i gave you face over and over again. After you go, then i'll revive the unit. All for your worthless face infront of your girlfriend. Too bad she hasn't seen what you done. Should i replay them?
Plus work. I have a nice manager no doubt but a few condescending coworkers and it sucks to work. I'm starting to dread work... Just when i began to be interested again.
Then the future. I'm uncertain about everything. Where i should go what i should do who should i go to and this feeling sucks. but it's something i have to learn to handle. Its a milestone for me. I'll work out every last detail and i'll make things work. One day i'll turn back and say i've conquered that future.
Doesn't change the fact i'mfeeling like shit. It's really a nostalgic feeling. This one that i might succumb to the pressure and i'd like to, for once have someone proper to lean on. I don't want to meet someone that's gonna be like, 'hey i'm here and i'm gone' hell no. That's why i really hate being close to people. That feeling when things turn sour...urgh. I want to meet someone that will choose to stay for a long time. I don't want to spend time and time over again familiarising myself with other people. Just maybe i'll meet someone who wants to be with me? Or even more. Takes the initiative.
Don't really like how my mind is all over the place. Just gonna sleep or shit...
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