Vagrant's life?

I think it's pretty sad when someone is still holding on to something in the past, whether they want to or not. I mean, it's too late to go back and change it and it's also a huge, daunting task to go forward and try again.

I kind of wonder, does anybody actually read this? If you do tell me about it please. I want feedback :P

As i was saying. I seen a few souls who still had the eyes of the unyielding. They refused to let go and... I tried but i was of no help. I guess that drew me into my shell again... I started thinking back.
I remembered how i didn't want to hurt you in te future so i chose to end the bond there and then. I knew this would happen to me and i didn't want to drag you down with me. It hurt me the most ever since that, and made me choose to become a hermit. For a good 3 months i avoided any form of mass social contact and i looked into myself, where i went wrong and where needed adjustments. Instead i found all the revelations i needed years back to save myself from going down that suicidal road and now they become my commandments, my philosophy to follow for the next of decades. I feel i matured a lot more, mellowed alot more too. And i found a big glitch in myself, my feelings and who i am conflicts. I am of 'Inwards' in terms of nature but my feelings are the explosive 'Outwards'. Maybe this is the challenge of a Libra to maintain balance between the two extremities. I also forged a different side of me, strangely enough i found a fatherly figure in me. But... I have no use for that and i'd prefer to travel the world a vagrant.

I wanna live this life. I'm travelling the world neither rich nor poor, just the passer by with a girl that wants to see the world with me by my side. I'd spend my innermost moments with someone, yes. Maybe that'd balance me when i'm turning inside out on nights. Then when i've had enough to vagrancy i'd settle down. Find a proper job and probably have... 2 kids? By this time i would be an old man. Maybe i would have even forgotten about this blog. Maybe 30 years down the road i'll read this again? Hi to the future me.

Yeah i started thinking back. And i started planning ahead too. I guess this means i've finally, and barely moved on. I feel this light. It's fun and playful, like a feather in the breeze. I guess i'm soon enough ready to start mixing around again... Now that school is starting. I actually kind of, want to find a girlfriend. I don't know if i can support her though... So many things i still gotta buy first. Hehe

I'm bored.

I really, really miss the feeling of being alive.

Being madly in love. Feeling the bloodthirst of anger. The lust of sexual want. The thrill of danger. The satisfaction of sadism. The high of thievery. The rush of fist fights.

I mean those are some of the things that take me off that numb and make me feel really alive, like there's something worth fighting for sometimes. Especially the first and the third. Damn...those two are really strong i'm a little afraid people will be able to notice when they reach their peaks because it kind of leaks of me.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not the kind that when i'm tempted i'll go out if my way to hurt others for it since I've finally gotten full control of my emotions(Thank god thank whoever thank me) and him and i came to this point i miss the highs and lows. And i've gotten over certain things too. But somehow i'm still not ready to meet people, to open up to them just yet. I think i might be still too lazy. Come on. I had a chance with someone but i just let it slip. I know i had full control of things this time. Man...i need more time for myself. Even work is starting to bore me to the bone. Naturally i'll look for higher highs and lower lows when i'm bored of the current ones. Strange how that when i think back to pass mistakes, it stings real hard, but it also makes me want it again. Ah... There's definitely something wrong with me.

This time. That feeling of curiosity towards a new someone is welling up again. I hope it develops into love and not its flipside.

Hermit.

Stupid dream. It takes alot to scare me like that and this was able to wake me with chills.

It was about this boy around the age of 4? He was playing with the other kids all right. But his eyes, the aura he gave off was different. There was this melancholy about him that when he wanted to play with the other kids they group away from him instinctively.This scared me, that when he was alone after the day he stared of into space, thinking...and those eyes. Those were the same as a war veteran. So much hateful intent and jealousy. It was the eyes of clarity, of someone who was taught to lament about things he couldn't come to understand in at least a decade. Then...it hit me that somehow i could understand that little boy and why he felt that way. I forgotten the last time my heart softened so much. Something similar went through me and i knew somehow my mindset was much, much more different from the rest. I was never meant to settle. I know deep down now that i'm a hermit. Someone that enjoys lonliness. I guess my joy will be travelling the world alone, seeing the world myself and living alone until my heart says otherwise. I've learnt so much alone and as much i would want someone to be with me i don't think they would want to have such a precarious lifestyle. I mean, it is really tiring for me even when i travel around for long what more someone who's already accustomed to settlement. I move around learning from everything i see, my teachers are what i see and what other's would call me crazy for. A pebble teaches me about fortitude and silence while a bird in the sky teaches me about survival and freedom. A flowing river teaches me to hold my emotions and that things will keep on changing while the stars tell me that no matter what, whether you can see them or not they will always be there. Who said you ever need human teachers when you have these professors everywhere?

It's nice being educated by education, but i think it's more important to learn about the world than the math infront of you. One day tacts and a glib tongue will be more useful to save your life than using athrimethics infront of people ready to harm.

An old quote once said this
"So many people forget to look up in the sky once in a while to slow down and see that life is passing by you faster than you keep time" -Unknown

I spend every night after work to sit by the river to think and that makes me grow. I spent so many years thinking already...i think if i ever wrote them down i'd have 3 series damn. That thinking gives me space to experiment in my interest anyways.


I wonder why. This solid cold heart was suddenly unlocked by this girl that i talk to rarely, perhaps once a month? It may be a short crush but it was a refreshing release. I still wonder. When will i find that 'her'... Maybe after i start to settle. Gosh that's a full 20 years later...

I wanna ice skate. I wanna play guitar. I wanna sit back and relax. I wanna enjoy with someone but damn... I'm not a social butterfly or anything near half of that. I'm a hermit.