Lost

Sometimes, there's nothing that feels better than hearing just simply a "welcome home" from the right people. I'm not talking about a partner. I mean it from perhaps a parent, perhaps a parental figure, maybe a guardian. Perhaps it might be nice to hear a welcome home once in awhile..

I do get jealous. I get absolutely jealous that friends have their parents to talk about and kids are doing well with their parents. I get so jealous that everyone else gets to have something i don't. I get,quite frankly, discouraged and down when i watch shows with scenes that portrays sweet interaction between parent and child. But as jealous as i get, it doesn't stop me from going where i want to. What has happened gave me what i have today. I don't regret it one bit. It's just, it'll be nice to hear it from family once in awhile, as much as I hate to see them.

I feel terribly lost. I've suddenly gotten back into the business of overthinking and trying to find the meaning of life. I feel lost enough to want to destroy everything around me and sit in a corner for days on end. But i don't feel scared the slightest bit. After all, how else do you find yourself without getting lost?

Heart of a writer

They say that writers are forgetful people. It is not because they do not care, but it's because their minds are always swirling with endless 'what ifs' and 'why nots'. It's not because they want to be forgetful, it's because they are always looking for something that ignites the flame within them. And today I learn too, writers can also be extremely heartless and cold.

I'm confused to no end. I think I'm sad, I'm frustrated and tired and down and angry with myself and I want to break down - I haven't felt like breaking down ever since the start of this year. But my emotions seems to hit a brick wall now. It's as if they are protecting me from me. And I really hate the way I feel now, I feel no different from years ago. And it is most odd, that as hard as my heart is screaming my eyes do not yield. I feel just like many years ago, weak, alone, lost and confused. It is such a nostalgic yet dangerous feeling, I wish I could tell someone and have them look me in the eye and tell me they understand without saying it. I wish I could have someone resonate with me and calm me down. I wish there was someone to tear the feelings right out of me. It is in confusion that I find the peace I need, not this animated state of calm.

And I swear I feel lost. I'm a walking contradiction. I feel relieved without her but I feel equally lost.  This amazing urge to find myself, it's overwhelming and it's definitely the most powerful thing I have felt up till now. But there is just one thing I am scared off...What if this urge to find myself ends my feelings for her?

perhaps it was the way I was raised. I was built to repair and fix and heal people and disappear right after. perhaps I am nothing more than a passing person, someone that offers shelter till it's time for me to go again. perhaps, but perhaps this is because of how I grew up. I mean, what does it mean to have the something permanent in my life that I so desperately needed back them? perhaps I was only taught to run and never turn back. perhaps I'm just like how my friend describe me, I have the heart of a writer but the soul of a nomad and the will of a healer. I'm not permanent. I'm a ghost of better times. I'm there to pull you up and disappear. perhaps...

I want to break. I need to break. Desperately

Seasons

"I hate how I want to be strong but I am told over and over that I am not perfect; I hate how I want to stand tall yet I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and the most of all, I hate how I know I can tap upon a universe of energy yet it peters out into a tiny twitch when I move."

"I hate how my body is finite and how my heart is easily shaken. My legs are akin to pillars of stone, strong,sturdy and meant to withstand the test of time but without constant repairs, rain and shine wear me away quickly and coldly as if the stone never stood at all. My arms are akin to planks of wood. Flexible to build strong houses and create warm homes yet algae and age eat away at them ferociously. My body is akin to the long gone untouched temple walls. Beautiful and majestic, yet defaced by the same race that built them."

"My heart, the most fickle of all. It is just like the seasons. Sometimes I fall, Sometimes I walk with a spring in my step, sometimes I live with the fire of summer and sometimes I weep of the bitter winters. And only in my seasons I see,that I do not see in anywhere else is that in summer, it burns brightly enough to set everything ablaze and in winters, the world freezes over and not a single being lives. Only in my seasons, I see the honey sweet love in the spring of my steps and the coffee bitter heartbreak when things fall apart. Only in my heart do I wish everyday for milder seasons."

"Yet with all this, I do not regret living. I do not regret getting burned by my own flames or getting frostbitten by my own cold. I do not regret that my limbs and body wear away over time. For I am fortunate enough to have life breathed into me and I will change, the stone pillars will breath anew and the wooden planks will grow branches. For as long as I still breath I will not just exist. I will breathe. I will fight. Change. Renew. Live."

It's been 3 months since I had felt the urge to need to write again. This is the easiest way for me to write out my feelings. I do not understand them as of now but as metaphorically as I can, I have translated it. I am tired and demoralized but I will pick myself up again by daybreak. and again. and again.

A constellation in her eyes

How should I start. I have come to meet a girl,  a rather peculiar one in fact. One might not think that she would be anything out of the ordinary, much less the extraordinary person that she is.

Aaron, Glenson, Ryan, Naru, Wei Han, Jian Xun, someday I would like you to meet this one girl I have found. She is not the usual girl you meet everyday, she will not yield when you try to read her, she will not falter when you pressure her. She has among the hardest gaze of people you will meet. She will seem strong and unmoving but I assure you and ask of you, to see her when she is not the image that she has to project out to people, that she is anything but the rigidly strong, unmoving, even cold self. I do mean that she is weak. I mean for you to see her when she is her inner child, I mean for you to see when she cares for the people around her. I mean for you to see the girl I am falling for ever more deeply with every passing day

She is older than us by 2 years but you might not be able to tell... I'm gonna be killed for that. We started out like any friends would. But along the way..I fell for her even though I swore I would never fall for another girl ever again. As I write this I can hear her whispering a quiet 'Oops" under her breath now. Guys...if there is ever a chance, I will introduce you all to her and by then, I actually do hope that when I do, it will not be the way that she is just a friend.

There are some things you must see. The little things that many people overlook. The little things that makes her,her and the little things I have unwittingly fell for. I want you to look into her eyes when she talks about the things that makes her happy. The way she likes sunsets and the stars in the night sky. She always puts herself down hinting how she might be among the dimmer stars up above but I assure you, when she tells you about all these that there are constellations in her eyes and galaxies in her mind that shines so brightly and captivates me oh so strongly. Those eyes are the most beautiful thing I have come to see in a long while honestly. I want you to listen to the tones of her voice when she speaks about the flowers that she loves. If my memory does not fail me,carnations. She likes Carnations. Even though honestly ...I still have no idea how a Carnation looks like. Sometimes she thinks she is the daisy in a field of roses but I swear, I swear so hard that that's the one damn thing that sets her apart from everyone else that's all the same. She might thinks that I would want someone better for me. Silly her, I think I have already found everything I need.  I want you to see the way her tiny hands curl up as she squeals in excitement when she tells you about her favourite kinds of music, the way men are the most charming in suits singing opera songs or how the Bee Gees has a unique flavour to each song. My god, She is so damn adorable I can't help but want to just pinch those cheeks of hers and tell her how adorable she seems to me.

She has had her fair share of heartbreak, pains and disappointments. She can be difficult at times, she can get a little aloof sometimes or she might be cranky because her insecurities overwhelm her. She's not to blame, and I won't blame if you don't see her the way I do. You see, she has been broken many times over, as we all have been. But with this girl, I don't understand... I see all the broken, little pieces. I see the way the light reflects off the curves and edges and I appreciate each and every small piece there but I also see the big picture, I see her for her soul and her essence. I see a person that wants to be loved for herself, to be understood and to be connected with, as like how any of us would want somewhere deep down too. Sometimes I wonder, this might be how it is to love someone and see someone as broken and as beautifully whole at the same time. 

I know that she wants someone to see the workings of her mind as they link from one end of a scale to the other and yet at the same time,someone to appreciate her body, her every curve , the nuances of her movements and her flavours. I see that she wants to be appreciated in not just in soul but also in body. I see holes and empty spaces where past lovers have left their scars on. I do not expect myself to fill them up for her but I do hope that I can love her hard enough and the right way she needs it, so that she will understand to love herself and how to fill those holes up again. I see traces of disappointment where people have failed her for what seems to be really small things for them but they mean the world to her. I do not hope that I will never disappoint her, But I do hope that I can see her through the disappointments, with her. I hope you understand this, I do not want to the perfect person for her, I only want to be the best I can for her, and hopefully in time to come, for us.

And well as for me... I love it when she has those little giggles of hers and she would give me this, puppy-eyed stare and a little pout when she does silly things. I love it, the way she stares in to my eyes and try to read me. It is not that I do not let her read, it is simply because I do not let anyone access the deepest parts of me unless it is needed. And because of her I have come to like some really strange things.For example, I love the way her eyes lights up when she laugh. I notice the little crinkles by her eyes and the way her hands covers her mouth ,so much sometimes I get lost in the moment and I realise how beautiful the girl before me is, and in that second I find myself appreciating her and when that moment ends, I finally realise over and over again, that I am so, so lucky to have her and I am so in love with her. It is strange, what she has done to me. What loving someone does to people...

I need you to understand that she is a strange person to me. She is different from the copies that I see everyday. I feel so loved, sometimes a little disappointed, sometimes utterly frustrated, sometimes I feel a rush of excitement when her name leaves my tongue. Some times I feel like ignoring her, on other days I feel like simply throwing everything down and leaving everything behind, but at the end of the day, all I want to do is just to hug her and hold her so hard that all the broken pieces in her stick back together. That no matter how moody I may feel but I never show, I love her. I do so much,

"A ripple on the surface, A raging storm underwater." 

Yes. I do hope for the one day that I can get to introduce her to the 6 of you. I do hope that the day will come where you might introduce me to yours too, whoever and wherever they are now.

Byebye

It has really been a long time since I have been back here. I feel different, I guess I outgrown the need to write as often as I want to rant so this should be the last post and since it is, I shall pour our what has happened over the past 3 months that shook me so hard to the point of desperation.......like always. Just for the last time now.

So it's final I guess. Since the new year I really have put down and let go of depression. It was one of the harshest struggles I have gone through for awhile and definitely, I have had enough of depression to last me a lifetime. And with that put behind me I have lost more than what I once considered so essential to me. Not a thing. A person. To be very honest I still do miss her from time to time,sometimes most of the time. But at that point of time it was the only choice of action I had and I knew what was coming for me if I hadn't chose to do things the way I did. I want to explain to her what was going through my head, but I was already unstable and she was adding on to it. I found purchase onto mental stability at a peculiar time and well, the chance was taken. But now... I do miss her honestly. I think she really hates me now but what can I do. I don't know how to even approach her and well, it's not exactly like I'm the first person on a list of people she'd want to see. But then again...at the same time, as much as I miss the times with her I don't want to see her too. My subconscious views her as the one who aggravated my condition, set me off into the deepest and hardest relapse. I've seen her eyes, the way she looks at me. I know those eyes well. Those are the eyes of extreme distaste and disgust and you know what they say, Eyes are the windows to the soul and I read people by their eyes first. Well, I don't think I will be trying to patch things up anytime soon. Not that I have a chance anyway

Coming out of depression feels like coming out of a long, dark tunnel. That tunnel has elapsed over the span of my whole life and now that I am actually out of it, I realised that I am missing certain social and mental skills that everyone else has. For example, I'm not the most sensitive person in the room. Neither am I the most spontaneous.  I can still alter my feelings, that's probably the one thing I need most now. But I still can't fit in somehow. I feel different from most people I believe. Who the hell wakes up everyday hoping that depression doesn't return, practically living in fear and always on the alert? Doesn't that sound like how a war veteran would be like? Except...I'm just a teen in Singapore. I feel like an outcast among the closest of friends and an alien within my family. I only feel at home...with the rare individuals that are especially close to me.

Club Crawl for this year is coming soon. My item has finished my half of the performance, now just waiting for the other half. Recently there was a vetting and because of this vetting I have come to conclusion about a few things. Firstly, I'm not suited to be a good leader and choreographer. I don't know, it just doesn't go well with me. Secondly, I'm not a good dancer at all. Hah, My batch has so many more who can do twice of what I can now with a third of the training I do. It's a little unfair bu perhaps yes, I have gone against the grain and abandoned what I might have been really cut out to do, which is playing the guitar. I don't know. I am musically inclined but perhaps not towards dance.

To a more personal problem, I don't think I will be feeling for anyone anytime soon. Too much trauma in such a short time. It's so difficult to even talk to girls nowadays without having that guard up. I seem aloof and unkind but that's really not the thing that I want to portray. I'm not that cold guys. I want to be able to feel really comfortable around a girl for once honestly.hm...

Almost over

I don't write as much anymore, it's a good sign I hope. Things really have been looking up the past January and it will maintain, I hope. I mean, I write when I am excessively stressed by anything at all and well...perhaps I don't need this outlet anymore. I was too focused on other people, I'd forgot all about myself. I showed others the way out of theirs when it was also the way I needed the most. I told others to confide but it was the very thing I had to do too. And I guess now I have a good grip on myself to push myself and to go further and all. Except now it's with a certain kind of feeling behind, one that I'm not very sure how to explain myself. It feels good to have it fill me when I do things that I like but it fills and changes itself when I am sad, or angry and it kind of amplifies how I see everything. I hope this is how others feel when they go about their everyday lives. This feeling here, I wonder who understands too.

So some of my closer friends have been urging me to get a girlfriend. No please haha not for a long while. I'm honestly quite sick of meeting people who really..just show me that they do not want to care/do not care/ bitch about me even after my intentions for them are honestly good. I'm waist-deep in my own stuff and I prefer to live like this for awhile now, if you're going to burden me then just fuck off. Maybe soon there'll be someone I can actually really talk to, but now anytime soon I'll be letting someone into my inner circles.

That and dance-wise, I seem to be improving at a really good rate my popping. Locking seems to be slowing down... never really focused on it for a while. When holidays come my training will double yet again yay.

It's been a while since I've written out of anger that I have a little trouble doing so now. Hmm... There's a frustration that wants to come out but I can't bring it out somehow. Man... feeling all confused and shit...

But most of all, I'm dead sick of putting in effort for people who will turn against me. Suddenly when I do the same, I become the bad guy. hmm....

Some bad days

Anger is simply natural. A natural line of defence when something important to you is threatened. There's the kind of anger that explodes on the spot like a fireball perhaps when you realise that someone has lied to you, or betrayed you . Then there's the more dangerous one, the one that slowly builds up and turns into physical strength, the one you feel when you realise you were used or something that meant so much to you was trampled under another's feet. That is what I guess I'm facing yet again. Just a few weeks ago I hit the lowest possible point ever. I truly almost lost my life that night. It was a night of pure terror and doom from nothing, time passed oh so slowly. I thought I had someone to lean on. I actually had a knife ready. My mind was so consumed and it felt like it was burning in an unquenchable flame and I felt really embarrassingly desperate for just one person thinking maybe she might, but I think it was sometime at the moments before I pressed the tip into my arm that a single thought tripped. She didn't care. Everything stopped. I swore i broke down the whole night and I didn't get a wink of sleep and I cried so hard there wasn't any tears left at about 4 am and by daybreak the night was just a patch of blurred memories but it was also now etched into me, I put so much trust and hope, honestly so much more than I have put into anyone, into one person hoping that she would feel the same but well, obviously I should have listened to my instinct earlier on. By daybreak I strangely didn't feel even the littlest tired but invigorated. I had broken down to the lowest point and recovered but was now fueled by a different source of energy. It's both exhilarating and terrifying, this new source. It made me feel as alive as it made me feel primal. It made me feel like a different person I mean, I am quite a neutral person. This made me feel...alive. I wasn't angry at myself. I became angry, for myself. It was this huge, huge tidal wave of emotion at first but now It's getting easier to handle now. Gives me something to look forward to now everyday. But when the energy is drained out just like tonight, I still go back to the past unknowingly and it feels like shit. I really want no more than a good friend I can rant to. Someone that can listen. I mean now, there is someone that I think i have interest in, but I still want to trust someone. Because when that energy is drained out and my mind is too tired to keep itself from thinking, when I can't sleep, the whole day catches up with me and... it's nice to have someone to talk to.

I won't do what my parents did many years ago.  I won't let another person go now... I lost way too much.

Not everyday will come down to be a good day. Today, I guess I really overpushed too hard, now my body is so weak.. but that physical strength can push my to further my popping. I see where I can go about 2 months from now and hell, I do intend to reach that by then. I wanna find the people who will be committed to popping or locking too. Train them, dance with them, see them grow. Maybe that's why they call me the old man. I do sound like one now.

So burnt out today, but I can't seem to get sleep at all.

Can i like talk to you forever.

Sleepless

I wonder who still reads this, from here in Singapore. It seems I am getting a good number from the States. Hello there!

Anyway, it's been a pretty long while since I've blogged out of plain boredom and not to rant, when I had a topic to write about. Hmm, it has been really tiring the past few days, Staying up the whole damn night just to do my dreamweaver project, dance and school. Damn. Exams are coming too and the pressure is slowly building up yet again. Classmates and friends, I mean I hate to see them stressed because that affects me too, so I guess I try my best to lighten even a fraction of their load . But on the bright side, I seem to have really fought off my depression. Perhaps they were just reverberations, the way my mind had struggled to bring itself back to a norm from one single explosive episode. I've been reading articles about how people never recover and spend their entire lives hiding from the light, I fear for myself sometimes too. I should be strong enough now to over come that fear on my own but who knows, there might come a time where I could lose myself again. But till then, it should be the better choice to take care of myself and see that I do what I set out to so desperately do before this time fully, for myself.

I find myself getting stuck in more and more half-ways. Where I find myself stuck in a rut, not sure where to go and how to get out. And they say that what always recurs is the lesson that must be learnt. It could be a problem with myself i'm not too sure actually. Someone please, tell me soon.

I just hope everything can turn out to be good soon. Damn, I miss having someone to talk to all the time. I miss the feeling of having someone I can rely on. It's been a few years now... I think I am starting to tire.



I should sleep.

Last time venting(I hope)

It seems one meet up with the person dearest to me in such a while was able to bring me back up again. I think I finally found the root of my problem. It was never, ever fun to live through depression like that and it might seem like its gone now but its always there, somewhere. Aaron again could pull me out because he knew exactly why I kept sinking in deeper and deeper. And well, yes. Again and again i owe my life to him, many times over because I was so , so close to suicide. Felt hopeless. Really really hopeless and I wanted nothing more than to end everything there and then. The kind of fear that overwhelms you from what seems to be a small speck of dirt to titanic waves that bear down on you. And yet he could do away with all that with just talking sense to me. He's right too, I need to find another him and Glenson here.

Perhaps I kept sinking because I didn't trust the people around me, I shut the people around me out and that only served to harm me more than help. Opening up now suddenly pulled me back up to a me that I was very long ago, albeit a little more sensible now. I thought this side of me was dead. Dead in the three long years I fought every day to stay afloat. But even as I say all this...vestiges remain and there is every possibility that it will, and it can come back, harder and stronger.

It feels weird this time too. Like a chapter closing. I felt it really, but it might be just like the previous time. I shall wait a few weeks before saying any more.. But should this time really be the one that lets me move on, I shan't wait any more. I've spent too much time on regret because I was too busy trying to save others thinking it would repair me, too much on heartbreak and definitely way too much on changing the effects the past had on me. Now it feels like I woke up a different person. And I want to make it stay that way. Sadness was a part of me and now I have to find my happiness too. I changed many things in my life already, including people and to a certain you especially...I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. I may never be, sadly. I would do anything to go back to the past where we were on such good terms and maybe more but maybe in the future, if we meet again like that again, maybe then I'll be strong enough for you. I'm terribly sick of feeling so terrified all the time and horribly tired of staying tired for nothing. Once this round is completely over, I won't turn back anymore. I'm finally going to start afresh. Leave the worst of me behind me finally. Since today I learnt something so crucial. It seems I was never mature, I was simply bitter. But now, please let this be a chance to move on. From everything finally.

I kind of hope this will be the last time I am writing to vent my emotions and any sadness I have in the future. This sadness inside here, I don't really know how to get around it, it comes through my mind every now and then and I hope that soon enough someone will come around again, perhaps no need to be a pillar of support for me but for a first in a long while, have me look forward to seeing her again and again for years on end. Maybe I'll come to find the thing that I need so badly since I could ever remember and gosh please if I do find you, I'm not going to let you go anymore.

I feel so alone now. No longer lonely, just alone.

Might have a way out now

It's sickening really. I'm so so tired of...feeling like i was never enough. So sick of the fact that cant quite leave my head anymore, that I let go of something so so precious to me. But I really need to start doing things for my own good now. I'm even more tired of lying to myself and adapting myself to suit others. There's a limit to me to and I've overextended so much without realising. I remember stronger times. I can somewhat see them again and just perhaps, I can get out of this one once more. One meetup with Aaron was what I really needed. I come to see now...I can't do much alone. There was a part I lost while being alone most of the time. Who's to blame except for me. I don't really know how to turn what the past did to me.. That aside. I see today how much better I felt when I opened up once, and was in the company of the good. It felt like my soul was washed of some of its old burdens. I felt free, like the first breathe of air before diving underwater, it felt so good in my lungs it hurts and I wouldn't let it go for anything in the world. I hope I do find my pillar of support again soon, here in nyp. I might survive this round without meds. I don't know honestly how serious the next round is going to be.

Feel my dance finally, finally improve. I guess the classes didnt go to waste. It finally took effect today and the hell, the stuff they said on friday is still echoing in my brain till today. They are amazing people damn I want to learn from them again... if ever I would be so lucky in my lifetime again.

Show me a way out, and you'll see a way in. Away out of my demons, a way into your heaven. I'll be your escort, I'll be your guide.But don't turn into another one of them please, I've seen too much and been too saddened.

I miss you. but perhaps...now I must put myself before I lose myself completely trying to help you become happy again. Absolutely heartbroken.

New year again

Well hello again. It's been about a week and a little more since I last wrote huh. Things aren't getting much better for me really. I managed to slow my depressive descent somehow and put things off because it's pretty much still the festive season. But the longer I drag on the more apparant it is that I really need meds to control my situation. Damn is this scary. What if I never recover? What if they worsen my current state? I really want to talk it all out to someone but I don't know who to approach any more... It helps the best if there was someone I could pour my feelings out to. It seems that I worsen faster when I feel lonely which actually, rarely affects me but is starting to find its way in now. I've gone past the stage which would be considered the lowest point in the past and back then it was with emotional triggers. Now, nothing has affected me, nothing has triggered this and yet it still comes back, Tiring. Really scary too. Darker and darker thoughts take over my mind without my consent more easily now. Nothing about how i don't try to bring myself back up, I do every time. It's just that each time, it gets more and more difficult. Sick, scared, tired, feeling kind of alone too and not knowing who to turn to and how to talk to them about this, Can i cry...

I have things to feel happy about I guess. Started the year with Night at the Museum 3, emotional movie. Taught me many things, to move on and let things/people go, that there will always be a tomorrow and a sunrise to be happy for. The storyline spoke to me well, since father and son of the story was similar to my situation. And strangely it was one of the lines of Robin Williams that etched a deep impression, that when the protagonist said that he had no idea what he was going to do tomorrow and Robin replied with a "Isn't that exciting!" That is. Perhaps I am not so special after all, being caught up like billions of other people in this stream of time. Maybe I can make something different happen from tomorrow onwards.
Then today, class with world class poppers crazy kyo and poppin J! $60 for their classes but I took a lot home with me. Amazing to meet them in person, my gosh they are such nice people. They are maybe the only people that can scare me with variations of one single move

Going to be starting on medication soon. It feels liberating yet terrifying, a good thing with risks that outweigh benefits. I just hope that if it works, by then I will be strong enough to finally, FINALLY put the past behind me. Start afresh. Find my happiness again...