Byebye

It has really been a long time since I have been back here. I feel different, I guess I outgrown the need to write as often as I want to rant so this should be the last post and since it is, I shall pour our what has happened over the past 3 months that shook me so hard to the point of desperation.......like always. Just for the last time now.

So it's final I guess. Since the new year I really have put down and let go of depression. It was one of the harshest struggles I have gone through for awhile and definitely, I have had enough of depression to last me a lifetime. And with that put behind me I have lost more than what I once considered so essential to me. Not a thing. A person. To be very honest I still do miss her from time to time,sometimes most of the time. But at that point of time it was the only choice of action I had and I knew what was coming for me if I hadn't chose to do things the way I did. I want to explain to her what was going through my head, but I was already unstable and she was adding on to it. I found purchase onto mental stability at a peculiar time and well, the chance was taken. But now... I do miss her honestly. I think she really hates me now but what can I do. I don't know how to even approach her and well, it's not exactly like I'm the first person on a list of people she'd want to see. But then again...at the same time, as much as I miss the times with her I don't want to see her too. My subconscious views her as the one who aggravated my condition, set me off into the deepest and hardest relapse. I've seen her eyes, the way she looks at me. I know those eyes well. Those are the eyes of extreme distaste and disgust and you know what they say, Eyes are the windows to the soul and I read people by their eyes first. Well, I don't think I will be trying to patch things up anytime soon. Not that I have a chance anyway

Coming out of depression feels like coming out of a long, dark tunnel. That tunnel has elapsed over the span of my whole life and now that I am actually out of it, I realised that I am missing certain social and mental skills that everyone else has. For example, I'm not the most sensitive person in the room. Neither am I the most spontaneous.  I can still alter my feelings, that's probably the one thing I need most now. But I still can't fit in somehow. I feel different from most people I believe. Who the hell wakes up everyday hoping that depression doesn't return, practically living in fear and always on the alert? Doesn't that sound like how a war veteran would be like? Except...I'm just a teen in Singapore. I feel like an outcast among the closest of friends and an alien within my family. I only feel at home...with the rare individuals that are especially close to me.

Club Crawl for this year is coming soon. My item has finished my half of the performance, now just waiting for the other half. Recently there was a vetting and because of this vetting I have come to conclusion about a few things. Firstly, I'm not suited to be a good leader and choreographer. I don't know, it just doesn't go well with me. Secondly, I'm not a good dancer at all. Hah, My batch has so many more who can do twice of what I can now with a third of the training I do. It's a little unfair bu perhaps yes, I have gone against the grain and abandoned what I might have been really cut out to do, which is playing the guitar. I don't know. I am musically inclined but perhaps not towards dance.

To a more personal problem, I don't think I will be feeling for anyone anytime soon. Too much trauma in such a short time. It's so difficult to even talk to girls nowadays without having that guard up. I seem aloof and unkind but that's really not the thing that I want to portray. I'm not that cold guys. I want to be able to feel really comfortable around a girl for once honestly.hm...