Blindside

In a man's true wretchedness, when every strand of hair turns grey and every limb strains frail, under the weight of the world, only then will he be understood for the price of his soul. In a man's true weakness, when his fears and insecurities manifest to haunt him in the night, only then will the fortitude of his spirit shine. In a man's true fear, when his breaths are counted and his family stands by only to cry, only then will the world know what kind of person he was.

So today i learnt this much, on the first day of CNY that sometimes you have to know when are people about finally give up after tolerating so much and cherishing everything you have. So like at night, i'm watching this show and it really, really hits me like what if one day. My family disappears and i'm suddenly alone. And i've reached a point i've given up and have resigned to fate, working my whole life to support myself, scrimping just to pull through alone. That seriously scared the crap out of me. Come to think of it, whenever i think that i'll be lonely i get really afraid. I mean i love being alone but not...yeah. But what can i do to work hard to not be lonely? I mean i really love to see the smiles of my siblings and kids and their laughter so bright. I just had to be a more family kind of guy.
Then i reflected on myself today that i'm really almost through with aaron. I'm sick of waiting and i'm seriously goddamn sick of putting up with his insensitivity. Its like, i try and i really try to help him but he doesnt want to budge and i'm not the only person who has given up on him. Another person has reached the point he doesn't even feel pity for him anymore. What more me. All i know is regret about him that i didn't make him do better than he should have. I wish i'm a better friend. All my other worries and regret seems infinitesimal compared... To this one.

I'm a little afraid that a certain side of me may come back. I understood psychopathic behaviour and i'm not all go for that part of me to dominate again. I know i'll be bloodthirsty and i won't stop till i've quenched my thirst for hurt. Happened before and it might happen again and if this psychopath comes back i have no idea what he might bring about.

'It seems i'm turning blind. I hope, to all prejudice and hatred so that i maybe be in peace with myself"

Manz...i don't remember seeing other teens needing to deal with this kind of shit. But hey, there's the fun along the way too. I get to see who means to be there for me too.

Changing(?)

So i met up with an old friend yesterday. I must say she became quite pretty( and now wears specs) HAHA i preferred when she didn't anyways its been how many years since i actually sat down and talked to her and i feel closer than compared to last time. I feel she became quite the beauty but still a busybody... Like to ask me so much about my past._. ahh now i remember she used to scold me kpk HAHAHA (kaypohking la) i wonder now

Kena dragged out to clarke quay (URGH) to buy a book. Then went all the way to queenstown. And then ite central and now i'm having a second dinner cos the 8-course meal was so...meagre. I'm damned starving.

So i spent most of today experimenting if i am ready again. To meet people. To change my life. To see if i'm finally over my guilt. And it seems...i'm almost there. I know this because of this sniggling of a feeling that tells me i'm about to fall very, very soon. This is kind of creepy...but it relates to a dream i had last year. Maybe maybe...

Ahh

Oh dear me, what a joke things have become. I'm early for all appointments but late for all others. I get angry at others for being angry at me and i tell the whole world that i'm finally fine but who knows it had to ache all over again.

I'm not even down anymore i mean i don't want to be anymore. I've been stuck stagnant for a year feeling down for myself and feeling all panicky whenever i think too far but now i think...i know how to cope with it. But whenever someone says your name and says how much i lost i...still hurt inside. Now i sit in the night playing songs and thinking back again, resisting the urge to sleep and considering everything i should have done and said and it doesn't help make me any more sleepy.
So how do i feel exactly. Like i'm dying for a relationship but i'm too lazy to move for one. It's a funny sensation like BLAHHH later kind. Or should i put it like this. I want to enter a field i'm too lazy to play in. Yes much more like that.
Then i see all the other guys and i go 'ahhhhh...' that's why i don't dare to move i guess?

I mean hell yeah there will easily be someone better. Why make someone suffer with me? I keep thinking about eligibility these days. Like money, looks, background. All these are like super big plus points i hope i had sometimes. Then i remember something. I'm not my age...

Aaron and glenson agrees my taste of life is older than most people. I mean i like really old music, i like more mature people and i prefer girls who are good with kids, likes to wear dresses and etc(aka housewife) . I think to them i'm probably 20-ish?

What am i saying. I'm just writing for the hell of it :p

Why why why

"The train in the distance rumbles past, lights flashing out in the night like dying sparks. Under the stars the cool wind blows, the leaves rustle above and the grass sway underfoot as he sits there thinking, was what he done... What he really wanted? A flash. A memory plays. He is holding the hand of a girl. Another scenes. He hugged the girl from behind. Closing his eyes and trying to run by sleeping the reminiscence haunts him replaying every precious memory in agonizing taunts. He wonders if... Choosing to walk away was really what he wanted. But no matter, what's done has been done"

So i spent the day out with the clique as usual. But in the night with glenson he suddenly mentioned aaron and... It pains me so hard. I never knew anyone could be hit by regret this hard and feel this horrible for another friend. He is my brother and i can only tell myself 'if only i made him study' i don't know. I feel like shit. I don't even get why i feel this way. I can't support him the way i should be and what can i do to change this? It's gonna be another 3 years. 3 years in this damn place...is a lot of time.
I'm not a good senior either. I couldn't prevent this happening in ncc, such a terrible drop. I'm even beginning to feel it was my fault for not putting the batch of my year in place to train ncc well and now the standard is going to drop. I know how hard i'll blame myself if we don't get gold award this year. All i have is a sergeant major who is complacent, and the head is reliant on outsiders. I don't want to take things this hard into my hands but it seems that soon i must.

Hahh. What glenson said struck me awake. I might not be such a good friend as i think i am at all...

Well, i think i'm good now

"But if i let you go, i would never know what life would be holding you close to me"

Other than the few nights i had to let my pent up feelings run, i've had that control i so wanted for so long. My emotions are now truly mine to call and well for him...it seems he is gone. I guess he was formed when my conscious was too weak to protect itself and now it has constitution and substance he goes too. I actually miss the arguments i had with him a little... And now i feel i just need one thing to complete my life now. Well a girlfriend HAHA okay not. I mean, Valentines is coming again and another year alone again...kinda sucks mann. I mean literally all my life i waited and wanted to spend the valentine with a special her but nooe. I don't have the luck to. At least i have this precious thing called family.

Someone called me heartless today now i think of it. Yes i definitely am. To those people i consider just friends. I mean, will they take my advice? I daresay i know what might be a better choice but will they listen? So many times till i choose to give up. I only advice those i call family and those i deem indispensable in my life. How many... Just 5? I mean what the hell. I wanna give you advice and all you tell me, yeah tomorrow will be a better day, i hope tomorrow can be better, aiya don't worry things will clear up on its own. I'm...sick of hearing that. I'm sick of knowing people are so emotional and down and all over the place and when you ask them what do they say? 'i'm fine' i mean come on if you are would you still be tweeting all that? Sick of giving care to people that just want to know someone is there for them. Because i don't want you to know i will be there for them, i want you to know that i am there for you always.

Change is happening everyday. I've come to terms with that already... Everybody does, everything does. Maybe this change in life this turn will be good.

That idiot girl doesnt want to tell me wjo :/ i shall keep asking :P

Excited for poly life, happy for ncc life, working life is fun and tutoring now...i don't know how long i can hold><

Tired

As my songtrack plays i scroll down my chatlist again and see the names of the many people i stopped talking to. Especially a few. It feels weird, like i know you but i don't too. Like amnesia, i can't quite register them. Maybe i lost contact, maybe through a surge of emotions but all these people...it feels really weird. So at 2 in the morning my emotions run again. I'm seriously tired but i can't sleep. I keep thinking, what happened to that me that would swear to protect those important to me and go to stupid lengths to do it.

I see it all. Wanting to go out with someone. Wanting to play and enjoy. Wanting to feel the sensual romance in the air and in the picture perfect images a faceless person stands. Nobody is there to fill this person and i hope this person will come to me soon. The story of the man who gave his eyes to his girl to let her enjoy life plays in my head. Suddenly all the promises made comes hitting harder than time but still directed to nobody. Damn do i feel confused. So much unharnessed energy. :(


I kinda dislike central. Somehow it doesn't click with me anyway i'm gonna quit soon so no matters. I want to see how long Eunice can stay so.. Yeah. Maybe when she quits i will follow suit. I honestly want to spend everyday just playing dota, doing pds, studying my course of choice and having proper sleep. Thats for now anyway

Sleep for a week

So i heard this line from Westlife in one of their songs

'But if I let you go, i will never know, what life will be, holding you close to me'

Memories started flooding back. I remembered how you once said that it made your day walking next to me. Suddenly it was you not being able to wait to see me. And it ends with you not being able to wait to see me gone. Every last memory comes back in detail and the whole 4 months replays again in my head. I still recall how your eyes lights up when you smile, the way your voice lightens when you speak to me, the way you play with your hair when you sat beside me. I recall the fears i had, about losing you to another guy and even losing you at all. I think about the future i planned in my head 10,20 years down the road like an idiot myself. I see the scenes of school rehappening in my head and how i got so angry to the point of bursting into tears and swearing harm to those that did so to you. Triumph. Camaraderie. I expected a huge swell of emotions capable of bringing him back but no...

Nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. I guess this stupid heart finally understood and gave up. Maybe it's too seasoned to the pain and all my fears happening all at once to want to bother anymore. I guess he did his part to protect me. I feel my everyday emotions but no more the sadness that rode the daylight and consumed the night anymore. I guess i could be finally free. But then again. I could be just deceiving myself by saying all this. Sigh me.



So next week's the O's result. How to feel... I just want my sleep. I seriously want my sleep and no i don't want all this O level shit to get to me the next few days. I'm barely recovering from my flu and it's hitting back hard again. I don't know how long i'll be down this time. I can't sleep from the blocked nose and i'm like sleeping at 4 everyday. It's a fuckin torture. Tonight...hopefully i'll get the sleep i so dearly thirst. But nooooooooo i had to read her blog. It got me a little worried and me being overprotective starts the worry. I can't do anything. The least i can even do now is to stand up for her. It's probably the only thing i can do too.

Working at Central ain't too bad. Got a scenic view and a spot to think everyday i work. Today was a disaster though. I'm injured all over and sick and all and i keep screwing up. I don't know what's getting to me anymore. I'm losing my feel for the job and for everything? I need a new spice and space in the routine. So i go back to school for NCC training. Going back to school and seeing everybody change makes me realize this; i'd lost so much in my quest for the best. I suddenly could see so much potential in people and a possible future with some of them. Especially a certain girl. I don't know. I was too caught up in wishing on a dead star. Not like going out of secondary school gave me powers but i suddenly can see who will go far and who won't. It's a priviledge and a huge addition to my assets

Maybe it's time i sleep. I really miss skating. If it's possible...i wanna go alome with that special her alone. If...

:/

I find solace in solitarity and only in weaving stronger bonds with those already close to me. I hate change really badly... It really hurts to have a relationship with a person change for the worse. Losing a friend, losing family, losing kin. Like maybe i'm like this because of the past that i choose to shrink into my circle of people.

Then again, i'm seasoned to that kind of pain. I'm most of the time the reason they leave. I don't put in effort, i don't mean what i say, i'm not what i think i am.

But even so i still have a few people so close to me it hurts and i know its gonna hurt losing them cos i'm really scared that poly life is going to start and they might find new friends and forget this bond that was forged. Insecure me.

I mean. I have my family. Then two brothers and a sister i don't want to lose at all.

Oh wells.

I spent the friday night after working thinking... And it somehow spiralled out of control but within what i was originally mulling over. What if... One day. I passed away just like in my dream...

I realised how much i don't want to disappoint my family. How much i don't want to see the two of them down. How much i want to see my brother happy. I didn't want anyone to tear over me. I'm not that much of a gem for anybody to be down for. More like those passing moments, i think if i disappeared.
I haven't found love yet. I haven't gotten married yet. I haven't had my child i haven't graduated i haven't cooked a dinner on Christmas for my family yet. I hadn't fulfilled my duty as a child yet. How could i think of suicide. I have so much to do with so many people for so many events. I want to travel the world. The world stage for either my guitar or dance. Yes they say, fools live to dream, cowards dream to live. One day i'll be there.

I mean because of work i learnt that in absence will you know of what you have, in abundance will you learn of what you lack. I spent so many days away from dinner at home. It's been a month? I suddenly really miss and like having dinner with the family. I found myself missing homecooked food. I found myself never getting used to not hearing nagging and from then i started to miss home. I'd get so emotional sometimes after work when i go home but...as usual. I gotta hold it in. I can't imagine what'll happen to me in NS.
But also because of work i learnt what i don't need. I don't need someone to rely on that much anymore. I don't need love to live like how i believed. I don't need to have everything i want to be happy. I just need to do what i love to do. Until a little...big problem appears. But hey that is beside the topic. I took so much out of this job. The satisfaction is simply overwhelming and the saturation of joy is unbelievable. It might be my last few weeks but i still want to enjoy.

I hate change urgh. I don't like a strongly foreign place with new people. I mean i'm scared i might not get along... :/
Oh well.

Dying for rest

Maybe what they say is true. Let it find you, then you'll be happy. I feel so... Weird. It doesn't feel emotionless but it doesn't feel chaotic. Hey maybe i'm normal again like no need for someone. I guess and hope this stays. No matter how much i reminisce and think back i feel really okay. That doesn't mean i got over the phobia though. I feel really anxious inside somehow.

Down today. High fever even after my meds and now just lying on my bed... Slacking. Tomorrow is going to be a strange day indeed... I wanna quit already. Okay wait slow down HAHA i'm not making sense anymore.
So...later will suck, and i don't know if el has recovered. And i'm sick. And i gotta wake up early. I shall just like...keep dead quiet tomorrow i don't know.

'Maybe i really can be happy if you are.'

The first

So. I get a sister for new years HAHA well she is my sister all along. But the name she asked me to save is ridiculous. Iaya save anyway HAHA. So today i'm supposed to have off and go out play pool with aaron. He doesn't want to goddamn answer. Seriously is it that nice and fun to cancel appointments like that? I'm fucking disappointed this time. For anybody i dont need them to be on their phone 24/7 but maybe after 5 hours, 6 . Fucking give me a reply. 6 hours is a lot of time

And i just learnt that next week i'm going over to bugis. 3 times the size, 3 times the crowd, 3 times the work. I feel really nervous..can i manage such a large environment? I doubt myself really hard for this. But atleast over there i can keep my mind off things. It's gonna be busier than ever and i hope more fun than usual too. Without victor. Under yuki and serena, i think i might just enjoy it.

New years day isnt much of a difference at all. People still mill around... And its just the things i saw today that made me appreciate what i have so much more. I think the best is that i make sure that i'll never say 'my life sucks' ever again. It made me think like... Why am i lamenting so much. Certain things can only take place if you wait and some only if you do. Well...

Today is just any other day. Just angry... At Victor. At aaron a little. Hais