'But if I let you go, i will never know, what life will be, holding you close to me'
Memories started flooding back. I remembered how you once said that it made your day walking next to me. Suddenly it was you not being able to wait to see me. And it ends with you not being able to wait to see me gone. Every last memory comes back in detail and the whole 4 months replays again in my head. I still recall how your eyes lights up when you smile, the way your voice lightens when you speak to me, the way you play with your hair when you sat beside me. I recall the fears i had, about losing you to another guy and even losing you at all. I think about the future i planned in my head 10,20 years down the road like an idiot myself. I see the scenes of school rehappening in my head and how i got so angry to the point of bursting into tears and swearing harm to those that did so to you. Triumph. Camaraderie. I expected a huge swell of emotions capable of bringing him back but no...
Nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. I guess this stupid heart finally understood and gave up. Maybe it's too seasoned to the pain and all my fears happening all at once to want to bother anymore. I guess he did his part to protect me. I feel my everyday emotions but no more the sadness that rode the daylight and consumed the night anymore. I guess i could be finally free. But then again. I could be just deceiving myself by saying all this. Sigh me.
So next week's the O's result. How to feel... I just want my sleep. I seriously want my sleep and no i don't want all this O level shit to get to me the next few days. I'm barely recovering from my flu and it's hitting back hard again. I don't know how long i'll be down this time. I can't sleep from the blocked nose and i'm like sleeping at 4 everyday. It's a fuckin torture. Tonight...hopefully i'll get the sleep i so dearly thirst. But nooooooooo i had to read her blog. It got me a little worried and me being overprotective starts the worry. I can't do anything. The least i can even do now is to stand up for her. It's probably the only thing i can do too.
Working at Central ain't too bad. Got a scenic view and a spot to think everyday i work. Today was a disaster though. I'm injured all over and sick and all and i keep screwing up. I don't know what's getting to me anymore. I'm losing my feel for the job and for everything? I need a new spice and space in the routine. So i go back to school for NCC training. Going back to school and seeing everybody change makes me realize this; i'd lost so much in my quest for the best. I suddenly could see so much potential in people and a possible future with some of them. Especially a certain girl. I don't know. I was too caught up in wishing on a dead star. Not like going out of secondary school gave me powers but i suddenly can see who will go far and who won't. It's a priviledge and a huge addition to my assets
Maybe it's time i sleep. I really miss skating. If it's possible...i wanna go alome with that special her alone. If...
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