Rp

So today is... The day of the performance. Aaron and Glenson are staying over ahh so crowded my room>< i really hope tomorrow will pass well...

After taking the job at ma maison i see how it changed me. I start to lose myself in work. I'm losing myself slowly because i am forced to smile, a huge difference from who i feel i am. Sigh...
And i still miss her. Ahh

Tiring today~

Wasn't such a fantastic day today. Got a little emotional being affected by Elle. She's right, which girl would wait a whole year for her guy in NS? That instant made me wonder. If i can ever get a girlfriend would she wait? Somehow i rather she not. I mean i'm not near a prime choice. Wait for what? I'd rather she found someone who knows how to keep her happy and make sure she is alright than...make her wait and fret over me. Seeing so many couples with the guy in NS usually end in separation i start to question. Is this loyalty even there when you promised forever? Maybe that's why i never ever dared to promise forever until i'm that sure of the person. Up till now. Only one person i've said forever for..
It's been about a year. I finally found my feelings buried so deep into superficialities. They are still going so strong, like the first embers of a fireplace ready to rekindle at the first chance. I still feel that urge to run up to her and fall into her arms to feel safe all over again like a child. I'm pretty sick of feelings alone and being with people who can't make me feel the least secure. I'm a human am i not? I need that missed sense of security too.

Felt so uneasy today. I don't know why. Maybe it was seeing Elle down that affected me or... Remembering who needs to be with the branch. It is and it will be shorthanded if Aaron leaves. I don't know how to remedy this. A peak hour for LOW crowd is kind of stressing me. I can't know for sure if i can handle peak hours tomorrow. Plus i'm falling sick. Plus my half prepared dance performance on sunday. Who wouldn't be annoyed...

I miss you. I never thought i'd say this eer again. I can never ever lie about that 3 words because its reserved only for the closest to me. Yeah...i really do.

Ahh

When i saw your name in my notification i can only rememer suddenly wanting to break down. Just run to you and just hug
you. I still feel like a child around you. Your name shot me hard and almost made me lose my ground all over again. I have so much to ask you. I have so much to tell you. How were you? What happened? I just had to resist so hard... So excited all over again so confused so...turmoiled. Then it numbed down again. And then... I feel so scared and like what not.

See how and see now. I get worried for other people because i truly knew how it feels to be submerged in those emotions for a long time enough for it to develop such an abomination of a personality. And hell i don't want it to happen to anybody.. So that takes priority over everything else. I hate it when i am concerned and worried about somebody and they tell me ' oh i'll be fine'. I really hate that statement.

Today was weird. I feel too...empty.

Day 2

With so many states passing through my mind so quickly for so long, after a while i sort of lost this identity of mine. I became numb, accepting change as it is. Resigning to fate.

Always questioning why i was so weak. Why i was so needy. Why i was so useless sometimes. I'm clumsy. I'm not romantic. I can't date for shit i can't do any good what the hell am i here for
Then i met Elle. My co-worker, she is intruiging to no ends. A cheerleader, volleyballer, guitarist model and what not. She had so much more than me and only what...3 years my senior? Somehow she became an inspiration. Turns out me and her, her sister shares many similar passions. I foresee...interesting work days?

Today was my first time experiencing a crowd. I screwed up bad... Ahh. But Victor and Elle were always there to encourage me. I tried my very best not to screw up despite this annoying headache... Mehhh. Elle had to spoil when she said today was low crowd. I am PETRIFIED for Christmas and weekends. I foresee...no rest ahh T^T

I'm becoming really numbed to everything. Emotions seem foreign to me now...love seems alien to my brain. But attachments linger. Seems my brain and my heart is always quarreling and i'm losing to the byproduct. At least i can immerse myself in work and forget about that and what not and whatever irritates me always. I'm such an impatient person.

Perhaps if i wasn't this weak i wouldn't force love. I don't know... I feel numbed but also very, very scared.

Loveluck

Another night feeling left out in the open so vulnerable and weak. I wish i could control my emotions better than this but... Ahh. It's much better than back then anyway.

I feel really stupid for needing anybody. I'm a guy. I should be depending on myself and allowing others to depend on me. Then i think back...i've kind of forgotten what it feels like to have someone to lean on. Every night i face my past of two people and now facing it alone just sucks. I don't want him back. I...think i'm slowly losing.

The workplace immersed me into an interesting environment. Everyone has a story behind them. A real, hard story that forced them where they are. Some to support their family, some to feed themselves. But whatever the reason, one day in service line was enough to jolt me to this reality; nobody is going to be spared if you are not willing to lose.

I wonder sometimes. When is love ever going to find me again? When will i be lucky enough to feel lucky to have somebody? In that way of course. I never ever needed her to be that pretty, just presentable. Just a little more mature than me and just...her. Such high expectations i have...

He's back.

You don't see the demons coming, sneaking up again. A withered hand covers your eyes as they whisper into your ear 'Succumb...i'll give you eternal peace'. You scream and fight and struggle. You know you're getting weaker as the night grows mature. You know you're feeling lonlier and ever more scared. The other devils play horrid imaginative scenes, putrid screams as they throw you into your hell surrounded by your nightmares. Behind the horde stands a single person. He is no demon but he is their master. He is the strongest. He is your mirror, your evil and dark, your weakness. He has your strengths and knows how to handle you, especially which demon to throw to you. The torture, the first night of hallucination, the second night of terror. The third of transformation, the fourth he will savour. He feeds on your weakness, growing as you weaken. You need someone to rely on now you cannot fight anymore. More he takes until he becomes you. Until he becomes strong enough to come out again as a personality. He does things others consider heartless and ruthless. He is the opposite of who you are.

He taunts you of your loss, how each could have not been if you weren't so weak. He sniggers at your falls, which couldn't be prevented as he trips you. Day by day he strips you of that hope you wield, every minute fiercer the temptation to yield. You dare not sleep, you try to hide. You shut out the world in futility to shut him up. And you watch him eat your soul to take your place. The devils chain you up, battered and weak. The mocking laugh is all around but you are too weak to even open an eye. You swear and curse and pray for this life to end.

Suddenly the night is over and you jump awake. You heave a sigh of relieve but that air will never go...because he will be back again tonight. Stronger. Better. Faster. And yourself...a step closer to losing all control. Maybe with the light of another you may win. But even so, he will thrash to make himself escape and make sure...only one king can exist in that body.



For the past year. Especially at this time last year. This was how i felt everynight. I don't understand why it's coming back to me now...why am i still mourning? Why do i still miss her this hard? Is it even natural for feelings to last this long under the circumstances...

Injured and happy

Pretty much spent the whole of today recuperating and alone. My knee is pretty much unbendable and my left hand unclenchable. Slammed into the wall at the rink when this idiot suddenly lashed out his arm and to avoid hitting another kid. Ah...at pretty much full speed too. Can't walk properly. Not to mention the blisters that come.. Thank God i'm me. I recover super fast :P

Was thinking about...finding a girlfriend. OKAY. I thought the day away what would happen if i had one. All...nightmarish thoughts. I guess i'm truly afraid to fall again. I try to convince myself that i don't need one. I just need someone to rely on. Wouldn't that be friends with benefits? What on earth. Then i think if a certain someone was to really become my girlfriend. Too unrealistic. Such a stupid wreck of me...
There are a few people i find really attractive but only one has all my expectations. I still care about her hard but... I try not.

The pains of tomorrow too much to bear,
The burdens of yesterday too big to share.
I just wanna sleep it all away~

Hurt

"What would you understand?!?!" Mira screamed out. "Would you get how i feel after so much happened?!"

Lexus could only stand and stare.

"What happened i don't get it why are you like this? What happened to you? It is just normal i get worried seeing you in such a state after my performance and i have the heart to visit you and this is how you repay me?" Luxus looked really exasperated.

Mira faced her back to Luxus.
"Just go. I don't want to see anybody."
"But..."


*A few hours before*
"Bye honey! Enjoy your performance alright! And don't be home too late!"
"Alright mom!"
"Kids nowadays. Where do you think we should go?"
The car of Mira's parents drove out of the driveway and onto the highway and barely a minute later a drunken truck driver slams into their vehicle. It's said that the 4-way accident had no survivors after the last car bashed into the mangle ablaze and setting the entire highway alight.



*Slap*

A crystallin trail lined one side of her face.
"I get it alright. How would you feel if you got news of your parents in a car accident where they couldn't even separate the remnants?" Mira's eyes were a symphony of agony. "How would you feel when the person you lived with all your life DISAPPEARED in an instant? How would you-"

Luxus grabbed her arms and silenced her with his lips. His arms slid around her waist and pulled her in closer to his body. She forgot all about the cold loss with his tongue intertwining hers.
"It don't matter how down you feel. I...am still here. And for as long as i am, i'll love you and make sure you are happy."

Mira looks up into his eyes, and buried in his chest crying again.





Well...i needed to write something out. This kind of crap happens when i just need to force it out huh... :(
Feeling all moody and stuff again. Shall not write about that. And im forcing control again...my god do i wish for someone i can cry to :/

Stupid irony.

Help i swear. Today was supposed to be happy right? Like hell, it's prom! But. But what the hell happened...

I came down into the lounge and the way she dressed impressed me, hit me almost physically. And that's it, i kept on thinking how much of a gem i let go. Realised i still have that much feelings. Found i still care.

Then there were people making lewd comments and i was so offended but what could i do? They were telling me how big a loss i made. What can i do? My mood was wrested into a wreck.
Throughout the event i was reminiscing and thinking and wondering why i still have these vestiges of feelings. Or to be accurate, why it didn't go away and only was buried. I feel so damn sick feeling down and worried and scared everytime that happens and this time i don't know what happened i just couldn't enjoy. Felt the need to connect with somebody. That bloodthirst urge to do so and it scares me that how much have i changed for the worse even though i did everything to reverse it. True that all and everytime i chose to let go first but i didn't see this; it would have such a resounding impact in the future and now i just want to go back into the past. Alone to spend time with those people again.

I suddenly realised how i just loved to be alone. It wasn't the case last time. I wanted company. I needed a companion. Now...it's almost as if i abhor human presence. I feel he is coming back into me. I don't want to lose to him but i didn't win him alone the last time and now...i guess i might really be alone. Can that person of fairy tales that can unlock me come already. I waited for all my life already...
I hate this feeling. I hate fighting against him.

Such an irony. I need her with me, but i hate having her with me. Somebody save me.

Breakdown

So i've just sat down and my mind started to wander far and fast... And it came to them again. I remembered how it hurt that now they only look at each other with friendly stares and not the way it is supposed to be. I remember how it was being so helpless. I never thought that me of all people would break down so easily.

So was it their fault that things are like this, or mine for being a stubborn idiot and not giving up?

Then it came to my own separation. I goddamned feel so much like a child being referred to as 'that'. Alien. A creature. My whirlwind emotions took over and all i wanted to do was just lie down and pray the storm away. I feel so small. I feel so...insecure.

They say that humans find what is missing elsewhere to fill themselves in. I keep looking for something in others that i know is non-existent in myself but i already am scared of it. Having gotten it once and having it torn right out and even having people sprinkle salt all over it. I swear i thought that i was truly really numbed and wouldn't feel again. I haven't felt this turmoil for months and tonight it hits me. Then i realise that each time it happens i feel lesser and lesser. I don't know what hell i am supposed to feel now.

I can't find security in my best friend. I can't feel that safety in my family. I can't even say that i trust myself. Only me and God knows what went through my mind back then and it's still there and i don't want anyone to see this but i need to pour it all out to somebody.

Contradicting aren't i.

I need somebody but i'm too afraid to ask.

I just hope that one day i'll be actually mature enough to realise that sometimes it wasn't truly my fault and learn to forgive myself.




There's just that one person i need beside me. I wonder how is she now...

Lala~

So like back a few days ago i went to Furama Riverfront hotel to view the stage in preparation for my upcoming performance and did the lobby hit me hard. It came to me as my fantasy to spend time in with the special her for the longest time. I have this crazy fancies for the 1800s english culture. When chilvary was common and feminism was expected.

The polish pearl marble walls was bathed in golden light by the breathtaking chandelier in the centre of the ceiling. The pillars are lined with gold and the occasional gem giving the entire hall the luxurious ambience. The arc walkway into the hall sheltered by roses stretched out, the velvet keeping the floor. Music is flowing smoothly from the band at the corner springing the romance in the air and in the centre, an ice rink sinking the entire hall into an ice-blue gold.

What am i saying. I cant even put that proper :(

Today is a nightmare

So i went to this old folks home today hopeful of doing something meaningful. So i stepped into this peaceful, tranquil haven where peace filled the air and everything lazed by. How...wrong was i.

I remember, the first dorm was pretty alrght. The people there were pretty friendly and the elderly were rather chatty and cheery except for one. I see she hated the rest of the dorm HAHAHA because she found one crazy and another too noisy. This was still pretty okay but i noticed here and there a little... Odds sticking out. How some elderly were not as able to move normally as the other..

Moving into another dorm of the aunties was the eye opener. Most of them weren't able to even sit up or talk properly. Some had ED's, some were grumbly. This is especially so in the third dorm of uncles. Most of them were in such a plight. Then i noticed what was holding them down. They were actually tied to the bed. And that absolutely disgusted me.

You know what it's like? You are spending your last few years WAITING to die. There is nothing they can do and they are fed everything while doing nothing. It's like tying you to a bed and watching you die. Not that we could do anything or anything could be done in earnest anyway but the idea of it sickens me. Worst still the moment i entered a particular dorm in dorm 2, i felt nauseous immediately. That one room was full of ominous presence. When they pass away there, they are forgotten forever. Just another patient that went. I swear...i felt so damn demoralised. That God knows i might be there someday. I'd honestly rather die.


Choreography into practice into play today. I feel really tired :( didnt sleep well for the past two days. Tomorrow i'm probably basketballing or solo skating. I need serious alone time. Or atleast...with just a person. I mean, any person.

((A pair in life, a struggle in love. I just wish she would appear right here and now so i won't have to search anymore :( ))

Anonymous changes.

I remember somewhere in this times, when we had only one friend. One soul that we could play with, quarrel, laugh and scream our hearts out. Then we get a little older, our circle of friends widen be it a little, a little bolder. Into primary school. Into secondary school. People suddenly learnt how to feel, and were forced and pressured and taught what to feel. What is shame? What is guilt? From playful children tainted to fledglings with a new power. Backstabbing, badmouthing, simply standing people up. Friendships are so easily forged and broken. Going into the tertiary stage, everything is fogged by society. Teachers telling us that we need good grades to get good jobs. Who can you trust when there is 5 spaces for 50,000 students? Into the working world. It suddenly becomes every man for himself. He has a family to support. She has a child to feed. Couples form and break, everyone hopeful for their significant other.

But throughout that, there will always be that one person that sticks through everything. Be it known or not. Be it appreciated or not.

I guess i'm sick of the practical side of human life. How it keeps changing for its own benefits and not for those around. I'm even worse offt thinking that i was like that in the past, how i hurt people just to dig out the possibilities a little faster. I was by no means ethical, and now comes this. I guess i took this short break...from having feelings. I mean emotions. It feels nice being so quiet inside here... Needing nobody, heeding no one. Like how she said, it is a hollow block of ice. It cant be melted, it can't be destroyed, it can only be expressed. And that's not something i will like since...it was expressed once. That was already pretty mild.

Back to the Happier side of life now. Happy is quite...much an overstatement. I am contented with things i have now but somehow i am not...happy. I feel really neutral to everything and that makes me feel like i'm living a purposeless life. Since Anonymous is aboutto attack... I do have something to focus on. I'm a supported.
It's stupid to think how Anonymous will destroy stability and peace in SG when all they want is removal of the absurd rules of the IDA. 50,000 unique visitors is a stretch. And a post commending singapore every month? Plus removal of any types supporting racial or religious conflicts. Understandable but IF. It is a real issue? I see Anonymous somewhat as the opposition party except with different approach. Not appreciated at all their method but their aim is well...understood.

Tired . Shall head to bed...

Maybe that's why i'm single.

What he said is kind of true. It struck me pretty hard that maybe, i love the idea of being in love but i'm not actually ready for it yet. How...i let myself get taken and hurt for so long, for so hard. Maybe it is better if i live on my own without having to lean on a certain her. Then again i am everyday just doing well on my own, learning, laughing. I just wish that the right person would come along soon. I mean, i really hate waiting.

Saturday was an absolute disappointment. We went out to costa sands resort and planned a USS trip but due to really... Trivial things. Absolutely down and that led to yesterday which well, turned out so much better than i thought. I drew and drew and got a pikachu and a charizard ((proud)). Failed ashe and tried a cat and an owl... Well :3 productive in its way anyways.

Ice skating on tuesday, now i am really excited for that. I can't wait for Million Mask March, the attack of Anonymous on singapore. I'm curious what they can do and well...i'm out to support them :P

I wonder. Is that girl i met at the ice rink 'The One'? Or is this one girl i chose to make her wait until after my O's...the one? I don't know. All i feel is cold. Like a block of ice. It's so...dead inside here :( i feel so dark.

Ice cold sweet.

"i can see it in your eyes, that you just wanna cry"

Well...today was simply perfect. Play to ice skating. And there were SOOOO many pretty girls of all types there. The cute, the nerdy, chubby, well all you can think of. As i skid across the rink there was this one girl that caught my eye. Damnit should have asked for her name :( she was just outside and as i went past her she was looking at me with curiousity and... :P i waved at her and i can never forget her surprise there :B i swear i've never seen someone look so...well put it this way. I appreciate the flaws LOLOL. She was really cute!
And this hit me that...when you don't like anybody, no rules apply and you get to really play on the field. I was too stuck up with those rules i made that still got me unappreciated anyways so might aswell...have some fun!! I can say tonight i understand the meaning of 'flirting' :BB
Too bad i was too shy to ask for her name :/ i left the rink and met her again and she gave me a smile AHHHHH. >~< :(( curious me :P

It just hit me that after next week...i'll have no free time for myself, heck for anybody. I'll be working, taking exams, performing, volunteering. My gosh...i just wish that i had someone to support me in that time. I expect it to be tough. I expect it to be hard. I just wish there was someone with me...

I'm a human. I don't think i can survive in such an arid environment. Alone.