Hatred and forgiveness.

I used to think myself as someone who'd hide all his pain, torturing myself and slowly withdrawing from the world would grant me huge power emotionally. I thought that by hiding behind the angelic mask the devil behind would grow an become my strength. I thought, that the anger would become my sword and the mask my shield. I thought no one would understand.

Hatred is simple. Those that only hate and lament, they work like a huge club. Powerful, but obvious and easily dodged. Then they lament more, anger more and this turns into a ridiculous cycle. The club grows bigger. They grow ever more...demented, revolving in their world and the narrow sights they unknowingly thrown themselves into. But this is a simple blueprint of how these people think. Work backwards and all you find is the first hurt. How the anger and hatred grows depends on the person. Some use it on every annoyance. Some use it on every problem. But all show one trait. They become rebellious in the sense that, whatever others say they will find a way to knock it down.
This is me. I'm past that anger... That hatred. I learnt to use that anger intricately and now i even laugh at those who belive there anger to be their salvation. One day when they do realise, they will cry on seeing how much vast is the world aroud them. Because now when they do learn how to use their anger, something changes. The way they use becomes a transluscent sword. Stitching cuts and piercing stabs, and all in the most mysterious ways. Ambiguity becomes their shield. This is what sifts the people out. I may not know enough to write as if i lived a thousand lives, but i know one thing. Raw hatred withdraws a person slowly, but learnt hatred can gain much more with nothing to lose. Ambiguity becomes my filter for idiots whom i know not to trust. Control on my hatred and channelling well...gave me much. These two let me see the sides of people that they don't want to show. Two faced, stupid, proud, i've heard them all. Yet i hear these same words from their closest friends. I wonder why~ devil hiding behind the angels mask? When you learn to live and let go, forgiveness is stronger than that a hundred times. What do you know about me? Are you sure you understand me? Heard it all. And give me time. Even the hardest shell i've met downed in a month... Because i've felt much myself. And i've seen things too~

Forgiveness on the other hand, is a sword on its on. It simply gives power to the hurt, between two that the forgiver gives himself and the other another chance. It's weird...that now both of us moved on, we're happy in our own sense. She has her life, i lead mine. But somehwere deep down i know...as she walks through the crowd and slowly disappearing in that sea of people that should she turn back, i'll always open my arms. Heh. First love is always silly as hell... But hey. I forgave myself and found another person. She's not extravagantly amazing. But amazing to me... Forgiveness is the key to releasing every pain and anger. Hatred is the cage to every soul~

going to have a longgggg day. Lan, study with the gang and probably filming again...
today was really some of the best days.

Free spirits.

It's scary. Really scary to step a blind step into new territories. But i still did anyway...

I feel i'm like what people call a free spirit. I'm rebellious, but not as a rebel. But i don't like people to hold me down...like example. This person...she cares. True enough, but she became a burden. Because of her...i couldn't stay up to play. I had to restrict myself and basically, be
Unnaturally safe. Not me at all. I prefer to throw myself into danger because that's how i learn. I learn as i get hurt. Unnecessary pain? All for the future. My dream is to be a psychologist, a full time performer or a teacher. But the biggest dream is to travel the world and finally settle down in Ireland...yaknw. Move to another state every few years. Visit all the continents. And...find someone who wants to do that with me, has similar dreams. I swear...when i find her, i'll never let her go. It's so easy to find someone who says she wants good grades, good school to good job to good life. Everywhere...but i've yet to meet someone who has similar dreams to me. I'm probably crazy to even think that someone has anything close but hey, it's a dream right? Dreams make life tolerable... Just have to get into Poly, that's where my life kicks off. a few more months seeing all this crap... When i get there. All the people who said otherwise...will finally shut up. Damn irritated by those noisy people who put others down for something they cannot do. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, with the first step being the longest. I love my freedom. I hate being held down... By judgement, steteotypes. I go out of my way, dance in the street, play for families. And this term free spirit only describes how i am and not even who i am. I just am dying to be me...

I respect those who dare to speak up. People always tell me, stream. I say, stream? What stream? All equal to me. Infact, if they want to talk about stream? I'd say i admire more NA people than Express. More of them are friendly then the express. But no category here. There are reasons why some command respect and others beg for attention. Ability over attention. Some do their things, some do to get things. Some hide behind anonimosity and scold. Those are the worst. Cowards, those that hide behind their smokescreen, two-faced. Okay, to a certain extent many are two faced. But i mean two faced as, ready to betray his friends fast. These three are the most...disgusting. Literal of this word, attention beggars. Many in this school. Everywhere i look...

And...i've recently met this person. She's just the average girl. But somehow...she has something different. Can't quite put my finger on it, but something that intruigues me. And.. Just as the cards read. I still can't let go of someone old. So...which road should i pick?? The old won't take me, the new won't accept me. My bad~ and i'm awkward as hell around her. I don't even dare to look at her in the eye... Yes. I'm shy. It's been awhile... And the last person who made me feel that way ended in a wreck xP already losing my ability to predict... So i'm playing a fair game in love this time :) guess being the one who loves ends you hurt then as revenge...to avenge you hurt again? To myself...no more.

Health's been on a decline. Aneroxia(mild) been affecting me...and my migraines are coming back hard. Wonder how am i going to cope...

And this blind step is a step into an unfamiliar world of music and entertainment. Picked up by the busker communities and a talent show. Wow... Rare. And totally happy today... Saw her afew times too. Feeling very much...satisfied. Today really is some of my best days...

One year later

"한참을 꿈을 꾼 것 같아
한동안 헤매고 헤매다
마치 약속이라도 한 듯
내 계절을 거슬러 그 날처럼
마주 서있는 우리

그 때 우리가 써내려갔던 아름다웠던 이야기
그 때 우리가 기도했었던 영원 하자던 약속들
하나씩 떠올리다 나의 가슴이
견디지 못 할걸 알기에
네 생각에 더 꾹 참았어
너의 일 년은 또 어땠었니...?"

Painstaking to write this. But... It's how i feel.
Was thinking back about all my past experiences in love. Three greatest regrets...i lived alright without you. I thought i would be okay...just like the song says.

"끝이 없는 후회만 되뇌이다가 이겨낼 자신이 없어서"

I've no confidence in facing these regrets.
I'll live them as my spurs to not making the same mistakes again. My friend was right. I shouldn't have started any relationship with any knowledge of how to. Learnt some things hard and now... I don't dare to fall in love again. Everytime i feel like i am, i hold back. I don't want anyone to have any sort of feelings for me. I don't want to hurt anymore... Love is like a war. Easy to start, hard to stop. And the casualties of war are usually...on the end of rejections. Somehow i wish i could go into seclusion. Where it's just me, and nobody. I'd live the way i wanted it to...but an equal half wants a life with the people i love. Where there's love there's bound to be pain. I let these tears hang in the folds of my memories. I just have to bury all these feelings and finally, painfully, move on.

I just wish i was better.

Dark times?

I knew this day would come for me and you. Don't say anything if you're gonna say goodbye...

I'm too weak eh. I change for the worse, try to become devoid of emotions. Guilt kicks in. I try to be kind, people judge and take advantage straight away. I don't want to...change fully. Letting anger be my motivation is a huge no for me.

So. Nothing is learnt by watching. I didn't learn anything from you. Then tell me, how did i learn how to manipulate emotions?
I set up this name for a good reason. To sift the friends from fakes. Fakes will believe the rumours, moving away. Friends will even know, or even try to know me more. I seen how practical Singaporean society is. It's fucking disgusting. So within the inner circle i'll keep this promise, that i'll do and give just as much as they do, or even more. I made this promise that...i'll never touch or use those knowledge unless i have to absolutely. To drain information for better, and not play for worse. I was consumed by anger. Now i want peace...

I've changed myself into an idiot. For this that i'd rather things torment me when ir comes than worry about it beforehand. Because i'm not that kind of person...holding about 3 personalities up is tough. No. 4 active personalities. Haish...reduced to the most basic me. Proud, silly, childish and with a reserve of knowledge ready to use. Who knows, this side of me may get someone i really...love.

I hate it when i can't give back the same amount. I hate when...i can't return the feelings. I told myself, never to fall again. Once i'm in poly, only will i open up. Once i leave peirce, i leave this pain behind. I sound like an idiot. But you have no idea how my mind works. So...reserve judgement. I have my ways, my logic and my thinking.

On the good side...2.4km run today. NAPFA 23 points already, and ran in the damned haze. I could remember my windpipe constricting, makiing me unable to breathe as i ran. It was exhilarating...i felt death by my side when i suddenly exhaled. am running again on monday... 10 minutes. No more...

You say you can see through me. You say you can never learn by watching. But were you me watching what i saw?
Dark times. I've faced hell. I'm waiting...

Passing Out Parade Day

It was nothing less of glorious. Today started as hell...gastric attack and all~ the day passed fast and all of a sudden its training. Rehearsal, then the long awaited Passing Out Parade. Beautiful... Smiles as people congratulate, the berets flying high into the sky, the champagne corks flying everywhere. I wish today would replay...
Got beautiful gifts from my juniors. Some, wishes, some hard items. I don't mind cos its the thought that counts.
All the responsibility of the title AUSM is gone. I'm really happy. No more using of that name to press me down. No more...needing to look professional infront of juniors. But i'm gonna miss training...
To the juniors...you might have years left to serve. But it'll pass quickly and by then you'll say, i wished i cherished the time more because i do.
I can be silly whenever i want now. I can be how i want to now. Since my two pet nicknames...have officially gone. Bye AUSM, bye playboy. DENG CHU LIAO! POP LO!

Next hurdle to cross is O's. I know how well i can do and...i've huge dreams with stable backups. All being my passions... Maybe to me that's loving? Yeah. I loved every minute of studying psychology, performing and writing. Three areas, three careers and all three as primary jobs.
I want to pass the prom night without crying...i know what's gonna happen. I'm already too attached sentimentally to quite a big group of people. Suddenly them leaving is going to... Topple me. Damn...i miss the years in secondary school. I loved this time. I'm excited for the next...new challenge afresh. By the time anyone who knows of my past meets me again, i'll already be an established senior... New challenges. New people. And possibly...longer lasting love. Studies aside... I need my own to care for and all...

All thanks to this girl. She'd been there when i was low, when i was high. She is rare indeed... She waited for me. All my conquests at love, she never gave up. Always providing me support. Blinded for so long, i finally see her. Now it's up to my heart whether it wants to take her...

Weirdest night.

Trembling voice, broken eyes. Because every time i fall, my eyes turn even deeper. Darker. Ever more... Dangerous. With every hurt, i turn... Complicated. Each layer caused by the collapse of an image of a person in my mind. First my first hope, ridden everything on her. Then my best friend, broken out of betrayal. Then now. My family. This time, i'll go through the pain. I'll let it cover me and this time, i'll walk out tall. Watch me~

Will always remember the day my parents walked their ways. Somehow, something in me clicked and...i began to hate this world. everyone was just another person to get out of my life. I withdrawn. And people thought me to be this...superficial shell. Untill a few people i met instrumental in turning me into this today. Still fighting my own head.

tonight feels strange. I feel like crying out, i feel like screaming, i feel like running away, but i also feel like punching every last problem in the face and saying, fuck you. What happened to me? I feel as if... I dont know. I have this feeling tomorrow will be good. Its the passing out parade! I feel...oddly energized. like i'm somehow saying, come at me. I want to do work. I want to revise. Weird much...

I dont want a thousand aquaintances, just one friend. One true friend can do a hundred times more a thousand aquiantances is willing to...
i'll be that friend to a few. Those who can see this mask i put out called...ambiguity.
My motto, i am who you think i am, but if you think you know who i am, then you are mistaken :P

You know who you are the best.

I tell those i trust who i truly am and even so, only one out of so many had managed to touch my surface. Of almost a thousand people. One. Of my 10 best friends. Each understand a different part of me~ and i will...do only my best for them.

This stormy night

Another stormy night. My spirit watches the world with eyes of comtempt, like how the wrath of the skies seems to reflect the whirl inside. Long for somewhere i belong.

Surface a calm ripple, under a great rampage. Believe what you see, think of me as what you reflect yourself. Ambiguity is my shield, being who you think i am. Take the time to break the mirror, and see what is truly under. Believe not what you hear, trust not what i seem. Feel for yourself and be the judge, even as one is flawed and in no position to. Be my friend, walk with me. Be my family, support me. Be my love, make me feel whole. And i promise, that if you matter you will never have to feel alone again.

Let the rain of this cursed night wash the stains of pain, splashed like ink on parchment. Flow away like a river cleans, gleans me of attachment. Let this rain make me feel whole and new. The lightning shall spark the demons within, the thunder stave the diseased of me.

The longing for a place and a person is unbearable tonight. I wished ever dearly for someone to hold, to hold me in a place i feel home. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years. Where are you my dearest? Maybe my heart is blind to you. I just wish...that i may see you soon.

Funfilled friday.

I ponder so much. About what it would be like to be yourself around others. To not care of the emotions of others. And to put this masquerade's mask down... Now i know. Now i regret. Now i feel.

To be myself,
Childish, kid like and always smiling. Show the hurt and anger whenever i wanted to. Live my dreams like how i needed to. Such strong reactions from those around me...disapproval. They were content seeing the serious side of me. I really miss having someone i can be so silly around who won't judge me for whatever's out there about me. They all expect me to be so...uptight and serious and a freaking role model. Look. I'm honestly... A childish person. I love people who can talk to me well, just like a kid. I lead for passion and not for my position. Just because i'm secondary 4? Just because i am the AUSM of NCC? Do i have to be that strict person? Do i really have to act all... Prim and proper? Honestly. Passion led me to where i am. And even though the responsibility is huge it should not be a benchmark for how i act. Thank god i am stepping down . Finally free of certain expectations.

To not care of emotions of those around.
So many things i've held back in order not to hurt. Played the first card and it warranted a big responce as well. I don't quite dare reveal too much anymore. I tried to be heartless and eventually ended up nearly insane. I tried to be cold but my thirst for emotions drove me out. I try too hard don't i... Hurt and anger from speaking my mind. I don't want to have an opinion anymore...i don't want all these emotions. I just want some peace... Truthfully, and dead honestly. I do have feelings for someone. Whether she reads it and knows it's her or not, i won't know. But i have to get it off my chest. I won't hold back for the person who i fall in love with anymore. I'll make sure i protect that person from everything with my all. I kust hope this person can give me a chance again... Because this time, playboy is gone. I am who i truly am and not who i played out all these months. I have to be in a way...heartless to fight for what i want this time. This time i will hurt many but...i'm left with no choice. Either way, someone is going to cry.

And the masquerade's mask.
All my manipulation techniques, knowledge of social psychology and reading of signals i put aside. I opened up my mind to let people in and straight away i get hurt. Used to be able to read through a person's action straight away just by watching them but now i open up. Defences all down and people take advantage of me. Now you see why i'd regret? Some use my old feelings against me, some use their tactics on me.

Bottom line...i miss having someone that i love, who loves me for who i am.



Today was fun in so many manners. First the basketball game when i faced lionel, he suddenly spat at me! The whole game was thrown into laughter and even now i cant stop laughing!! Then going to the canteen to rest...han tong, rachel and chye yuh nearby, got my number so damn randomly to send me pictures of myself. Like what...tried to teach woo suk and sebastian a little of breakdance and popping :D lousy dancer of me...teacher? Heh. Dead tired and feeling so volatile. Mixed emotions spinning in a rainbow~ haish...

To that girl. I miss you. But you already are in love with someone else...

Sports day...

Well well. Badly disappointed today. Guilt laid its plough through me. Haish...the smallest matter was i scratched a junior's arm. Left his arm bleeding...yeah. Had almost no nails -.- and still such a sharp effect produced. Well...he won't be able to play for awhile i guess. Haish...it's my fault~
Too softhearted a person to be the player i acted out. Now i know, you've gotta be seriously heartless and changed.

The sports day performance was cancelled. The team was decided and everything was good until, yeah. Pissed off i guess... Selfish of me. Just feeling annoyed that this might be a small performance nevertheless but it meant something to me and the rest threw it off like it was worth nothing. Woah...
I shouldn't have let myself turn back into who i am. I can get hurt so much more easily. Should have maintained this cover of 'playboy' and then maybe i won't be so badly affected. This masquerade's mask played so well~ that the whole world believed me to be what they saw. Nobody could read into me but now i'm vilnerable to others. Because i wanted a change. Because of my feelings. Because...i'm not the kind to hurt and go. Watches the guilt stack like a tower. The cycle has alre ady repeated and now i'm waiting for things to crash down eventually. By then i would have lost all sense of my feelings again...the internal compass thrown off again. As of now...my feelings are starting to be strained. Hate being so vulnerable. Sincerity is the best weapon against me. In this state of me, just acting a little sweet and silly with me is enough to knock me off my feet. Haish...thrown away my defences. Both hands in the air, am done being the playboy.

I dont want to blinded by lies of people. I know...some idiots will definitely try. I guess it's also this time that i find someone i trust to rely on...to guide me through.

So sleepy...tired physically is what i wished i felt only.

First post

First post! Haha this blog shal be enclosed to people who want to know me more! Shall write later :)

Hmm. Lost my last blog password so yeah... Remade this beauty!