Losing

Well. It's getting tougher and tougher now. I've monitored myself quite closely and yeah. I've watched myself go from something as simple as a dark, ominous feeling to irritability and constant fatigue, to sleeping problems and eating problems up till now, nightmares yet again. It's getting tougher and tougher to turn a bad day around. One single screw up stays in my mind for so long and impacts me really hard now, too. Things are becoming dull again and this was the worst I'd become in the past. But i'm still breaking. Now it has affected my health. I feel sick all the time, I feel aches that come out of nowhere. My thoughts are starting to get more and more morbid. Starting to fall over to the suicidal side. I feel like ending everything sometimes. Getting more often now.. I don't even know what's with me anymore. My head is hurting as I write, my heart is aching too. I start to hate myself now..

I dont know why i even try to understand others any more. I'm looking for someone that I can talk to and well, can break the cycle. Not to fight this depression for me. Someone that can break me out of the cycle sometimes when I feel hopeless. I can get myself out of it but not when I'm involved in it. Gosh I feel the weakest I have ever been. I need someone now. The fucking problem is this. I'm a stubborn person. I don't need anyone. I need just that someone.

One horrible weekend. I hope really, really hard that tomorrow I may find something that can lets me get a good grip on myself again. I'm prepared to get myself out of this once more. I just really don't know where the hell I should head this time..

Gosh. I haven't slept for the past 3 days now. Let me have a good sleep now...

Merry Christmas Eve

A year later. Everything is so different from what was exactly a year ago. I remember how I wished that this Christmas would be different this year. I got just what I wished, and too much more. How should I start. It is a distorted image of how I wanted this Christmas to be exactly. Distorted in the sense that everything is in place the way I hoped, but everything is all just a weak facade. A mirage. A really pathetic one that can be torn down with a gust from the wave of a hand. It's a nostalgic feeling. This...icy sadness here. I feel really drained and empty from a single attack, from a single thought. This year, i'll at least get to spend it with more than one other than my family, that I am comfortable with. But it's not all merry yet for me.

My depression has taken a turn for the worse yet again. Double ( or has it become triple now ) depression , and today was a really really happy day. A joyous start today but one single thought rendered me so scared I was unable to stand. One of the worst panic attacks I ever faced happened outside home and it was a mess trying to bring myself back. This means that it can affect my daily life now. And that means I have a few options left. Two actually. Continue what I have been doing, by strengthening myself and always picking myself back up, finding ways to be happy and use all the natural cures and all or turn to medication. But medication...may make me worse. There is no way in hell that medication that affect neurotransmitters and chemical balances in the brain to stabilise mood, will help me when I already have an existing mood problem. Both sides of the coins are very real. If lets say it does not help me, I will lose my mind and more. If lets say it works, I will have to deal with dangerous side effects, and then withdrawal when I taper dosages ( which may end me up to be even worse than before I started meds ) and most of all, the high possibility of it returning again. I'm just lost for words at how weak I am. How problematic I have became instead. I don't even have the strength to ask for anyone to stay anymore..

I have so much to tell you but when the words flow it will be too disupted. Perhaps it will be better this way.

I still have things to keep me going. Many of them. I still want to continue to try for these people but I pray and hope, that I will have the mind to face dark times and even darker ones to come..

This Christmas will be a very gloomy one indeed.

Madness

Imagine yourself,waking up alone in a pitch-black hallway, lit where you are now only with a small candle, and only one other section lit at the farthest end, and about a huge stretch in utter darkness. You must walk through the entire hallway to live. And as you start, you see the creatures of your nightmares rise from the walls around you but no, you must be imagining things. It's pitch black, how could you possibly see anything at all? The creatures on the walls turn from lines into murals, into figurines  but then again, how could it be possible to see them? How could it be that the mind believes what it wants to see when the eye does not? You trip over something heavy on the floor. Even though you still cannot see anything you bend down to feel the object and horrifyingly, it feels strangely familiar. Or it feels really dreadful. It feels just like a body. You understand that in the tunnels there might actually be things that can kill you at any time. You start to walk a little faster.

Moving on, you hear voices calling to you softly. Alluring, sweet voices that tell you to turn back, stop wherever you are going. You know you must reach the light to live.The images on the walls are starting to come out more and more, they look more and more real. Even more defined and evil. As you go down that same hall way the voices, they become louder and louder and they turn into screams of such distilled hate and contempt. They sound out to your soul, in temptation to give up and give in. You feel your sanity eroding bit by bit now and your body weakening bit by bit.. Whatever you can even think now becomes vague, all you want to do is reach the end. Suddenly you trip yet again. Must be bodies. More and more bodies. They seem to litter the your path now, You hear footsteps thundering behind you now. Run.

The sounds all stop. The world seems to come to a stop. You seem to be alone all over again. You stop to catch your breath now and then take a small cautious step forward. And another. And another. And things all seem safe in the pitch black darkness until...a stony hand clamps on your shoulder. Now the walls truly come alive, where in the pitch darkness you are still unable to see but you hear the walls contorting and cracking, you know that the creatures of your nightmares are truly coming to life to chase. You hear the walls breathing, grunting and most of all, a blood-curdling mention of your name under a breath. You smash the hand off and run for your life, pumping your legs as if you never needed to breathe, your screams petrified in your throat somewhere.

You are almost there. Nothing goes through your head anymore, all you want to do is get out of this wretched place and see the sun again. Fear grips your body and at any of the slightest pin drop, you curl up and scream, begging it not to come to you as you run for your life.Bodies pile up in heaps on either side of you, you can see them since you are closer to the light, You recognize them, their faces belong to people you were once close to and it all makes sense now. The bodies, they were all people you were close to once and now they are dead to you. Fear doesn't feel so horrible now. All you want to do is kneel down by their bodies and cry and grieve but you cannot stop, your body doesn't belong to you anymore. Your mind is not human any more, it has been so scarred and horrified.

It is after an eternity when you finally reach the lighted section. You collapse on the floor, breathing like a madman, sweating and crying. Your body hurts from everything, your mind and heart is breaking apart. You are no longer sane, your soul ripped apart by the trauma in the tunnel. The tears don't stop but you still muster the strength to go closer to the source of light, the light seems to be shining through a hole of sorts.. You come to a door and go through it and the door suddenly slams shut right behind. Realisation sets in now when again you see another hallway and another lighted end, and now you stand beside the light source,

It is the same candle again.

This is how I've been feeling for a long time now. Cycle after cycle. The third one is about to come again. I've monitered myself, how I went from irritability to desensitivity to recently, panic attacks again. I'm scared honestly, I don't exactly feel like I have any one to rely on now. I mean I do, but I know I won't turn to them instinctively, only a handful but I can't. It's going to be more serious this time. I won't be able to take it alone. I'm really terrified. I don't want to use medicine to control my conditions but I don't want to turn to people. I don't want anyone having to handle a burden like me. I lost faith in people recently. I don't like people being halfway in my life. Either a close friend to me or just a friend. I really hate it when there are any other possible statuses like chat buddy or buddy or anything. If you cannot make a positive change in my life,then get out. I will do the same for others. I'm looking for a trustworthy person. People can tell me to be strong or what not. I've fought so hard to keep myself afloat already. I'm exhausted. I'm just want someone to be proud of me too... my body is breaking. Now my mind too. The least i can hope for now is my mind to be strong enough not to give in all the way..

Balance

And I should have known that to be me was to be horridly cursed and deceivingly blessed. I never expected that I would one day, actually submit to something I have fought so hard to avoid. I see the signs repeating again and for all the reasons I have, this is the one I should really be afraid of. I might not be able to fight through this relapse alone and that scares me... more and more signs are coming up at once and to say that I am terrified, is an understatement. I mean what if I lose? What will I lose again? I don't have much with me anymore. I don't have anything at all. And I say this in respect to the few I trust enough to tell my problems to that, I cannot rely on people now so i use letters and spaces to fill up what my breath lacks. There might even be a time I really just disappear for a period of time. Things have suddenly become so unpredictable, so confusing. I'm tired.

One thing remains true. I still am not able to make another person happy..

But in the same way I am blessed because I still have the strength to hope for a stronger me. For the people that I can really talk to, For everything that has seen me through shitty times. I'd like to be able to tell myself that this will be just another one that I can make it through but this time, I can only hope for something or someone to come by and break the cycle. Something or someone with enough significance to knock me up again. Strange how I can say all these but I cant do it. Very honestly, my conscious state now feels like I'm in a lucid dream and I can't wake myself up unless there is something to, or I wake up naturally and well, it's just about the same now. I feel light and dreamy most of the time and the only time I feel alive now is when I dance.

I'm so so tired now. Everyday my mind feels a little heavier, as if it weren't heavy enough. I really want someone I can pour my heart out to...

Complexity

Don't tell me you are alright when you don't sleep at night but only cry your heart out. Don't tell me you are alright when your makeup gets thicker, trying to hide your eyes. Don't tell me you are alright when you can barely eat the food in front of you and you've lost so much weight. Don't tell me you are alright,when you are anything but that.

I'm by no means a simple individual. There isn't really a person now that I would say that can understands me(except maybe, Aaron Glenson and probably the some of the guys I'm much closer to). It kind of sucks to be always thinking in layers and to always be switching between logical, emotional and other kinds of thinking. It's unbelievably tiring as it is but thank god for pracs. I found a way to calm my mind. That's not really my point. But...there are people who don't understand the complexity and who used to be super close to me. I don't really know why it suddenly becomes a little urgent for me to write about it. Maybe the changes have a little effect on me but I'm still not so strong to brush it off. I mean... there are too many layers to me. Now, I still retain about 8 of them. It was 16 before breakdown. It's a way to protect myself I guess. Blatantly, I put up smokescreens simply to see who stays. there's not even a wall to climb. I don't really consider this as fake but just a way for me to screen people out. Just ...I think I'm about as disappointed as anyone can get when I realise that hey, this person is trustworthy and just before I start to really open to them they go away. Some of these people, they would/ have already earned a deep place in my heart but there they go. It's something I have to learn to get used to, too. it didn't really happen in the past but now more and more. People I guess. Everyone was hurt that badly once before too.
I hate body language reading now. It's so damn tiring and I can't turn it off =.=

But here brings my other worry, I noticed , as I look through myself over and over again that I have a tendency to bring myself to be below the people I've come to love. In other words, make myself dispensible to them somehow. It seems that as I look back, I seem to be carrying traits of someone I vowed never to be like. The way I tell them, the way I do things for them. The worst of it is that they might not always be happy if I do things for them, and I always end up really unhappy afterwards. Then I'll be chiding myself and constantly reminding myself of where I went wrong. And I think that might actually be the problem. Now and then I'll come across someone again that can make me look up to life again and then this cycle repeats and very honestly I don't really know how to reverse it. sigh... Am I too kind and too soft hearted, even now. for my own good? I don't want to be hard-hearted like I was again. It doesn't feel good at all. Can someone , who can see where I am now tell me what to do... It's true. It will be extremely difficult to find someone who understands me in my own age group. Nevermind age group. Even my parents have ever said they find me really complicated at times.

If only I could tell you everything.

Okay now I shall rant a little. I absolutely hate it when people, after being close for awhile and one person may have drifted away and is now no longer as close, the other person starts hating on the other. That's says a lot about the person. I mean, you could say that once we were soulmates to me and look what the hell you are saying about me now. I do pity the friends that stay around you, and I understand why people stay away from you too. But the fact that we were ever close before horrifies me sometimes. It means that at one point of time, I pitied you and by me, nobody is to ever pity anyone and..it really makes me feel shitty about myself

About 2 weeks ago I swore to find rest and some proper sleep and I haven't got it till now. Today my energy level crashed really hard. Time to be getting breaks and damn, when the holidays come around, It'll be just about time to work hard again.



I've honestly had about enough when it comes to getting to know people all over again. Meeting someone new, going through all the awkward first conversations and then actually doing things together with them. Humans are really weird. I like meeting new people definitely but... get to know them? That will still take me quite a lot of time. I'm might be more of a mix now, but I still like to be alone. I still like it when only the people I like are with me at my quiet times. I'm really weird too.

But really, if you think you know what's happening to me please I actually kind of need help but I don't really know who to turn to and how .-.lll

End of a phase

So it's true that when you understand yourself and start loving yourself, things change. The situation with my family has taken a huge turn, I can suddenly confide in both my mother and my father, and my stepmum and stepfather. Talking to them sort of made me reminisce back to as far as the start of semester 1. I remember at the start of FB, how I was in the 2 biggest cliques of the batch. Things were much happier and much, much more innocent. I felt like a child then and in just...8 months. How much has changed? Then there was a time where dance was fun and I hadn't seen the outside world yet. There was a time where classmates were all still childish and fun. And now it feels everyone has soaked up the new environment and not that that's a bad thing, just that I kind of miss things. 5UP, to KOUFU District. HUEHUE group. Shopping group. I remember everything that has happened. Not just me confiding in people. I think the people around me are also feeling a very subtle change about me, I started noticing an increase in the amount of people who rant to me or look for me when they need a listening ear. Not to boost my ego but I have been feeling much more sure of myself and even though there are still nights I let my walls come down I know I have found contentment again. I don't really remember the last time I felt this aware of myself. That and my dance has improved yet again. Cyphering with outside poppers, people like Mikeh, Rory Lucas and some others, I suddenly took in so, so much.

But really, who reads this anymore...

I also just realised that I always seem to have more faith in myself than in others. I seem to have a knack for predicting the future better for others than myself. So there are some words... I know I can't ever bear to say them directly to some people. You know who you are. I want you to constantly remind yourself that the sadness you see now may be huge and overwhelming and you may put yourself down so hard, maybe even to ending your life. But you are still living through it. That's not a sign of weakness. It's a huge sign of blessing and strength. The last thing I see in that is weakness and burden.You are like a soldier, months behind enemy lines, tortured, starved, fighting for so long you've already forgotten the date and sick to the point you hallucinate giant spiders and demons eating you alive but here you are, saying that you are going to try to get out. You will do whatever it takes to escape with anything at all, a gun, a bomb or maybe even a stick and one day you will fight your way back home with just a stick. You will kill all the demons and enemies standing and get the hell back out.

If you are reading this and it appeals to you, know this.

You already know where to go. I'm just giving you the stick and a little push.






I've changed so much since the past 2 events that the Ryan from Production and the Ryan now are almost 2 different people. Then, I was much more introverted. Now I seemed to have found an extroverted nature in me. The more I spend time with myself the more secrets I discover in every nook and cranny of this dusty, old soul of mine. I've lost contact with the people that meant enough for me to say those words to. And I mean, I only tell this kind of stuff to people I consider a part of my inner circle. My closest. There are some of them now that I want to tell them so much some how but I don't know any other way to.
I know I can't be the one to tell you the things you deserve to hear. I cannot even be there for you even if I wanted to. I know some of the stuff that you need to know but it shouldn't be coming from me. Soon you'll meet someone who can tell you those words and really change your world with the same nagging I say, with maybe no effort even. And I don;t mean as a partner. A good friend maybe, a stranger maybe.

You're a beautiful human being. Have faith in youself goddamnit. You may not see it but take it from someone who has seen some horrible things himself.


It's yet again the end of a phase. The Ryan that was built since Sec3,  the absolutely needy one is gone. I matured much again and like every other time, Am I a growing a little too fast...?

Dance Synergy

Seriously. Since I caught the cold at the ice rink on Sunday dance has actually became a huge burden to my health. Take yesterday for example. At 25%, I'm panting. At 100%, I'm close to turning my stomach inside out. Later while performing, I know myself. I'll throw out about 3 times my normal energy. What might happen to me HAHA damn I couldn't even practice with the batch for the past few days. I feel kind of shitty physically. tahan till Saturday, PIP is coming. Excited definitely, one more event, this time I aim for top 16! hehe I hope I can get in. And the show is over. I felt myself drag more than 3 times my normal energy from my body and my body will crash tonight but hey, it was fun.

Just like many times before, I think people are starting to be more comfortable around me. What in me has changed? I'm not to sure myself. It's almost like I make friends more quickly than I had ever in my whole life. Is it my mellowing or is it me wanting to be like a few people? I don't know I mean I look up to them. And now there are some people that I really want to get to know more. They seem like interesting individuals. I've never really noticed them till like Tuesday? There is one or two I am especially keen to get to know. They seem like the people that can influence my life positively.

Dance Synergy is over finally. I felt the batch for the first time and this might be the only time too. I don't really feel so much for the batch. I mean I used to, but now feeling what the batch felt while they were dancing, it just brings up some old memoirs. Nostalgic, to the time when we all first came in and everyone was getting to know each other. Strong friendships were forged and not lost. Don't get me wrong, I'm already fine with people leaving. There were those who meant the world to me that walked out with no reason and I'm still going to be here standing for others who will stay with me.People actually felt sincere then. But still, it feels good feeling the batch once again. I think after tonight, I will never have the chance to feel them anymore. It's alright actually just... I don't know. I feel pretty mixed about this batch. And Dance Synergy will not be something I will come to miss very much. I lost much, but I gained a lot more. It felt like just another performance but...one I would want to get over and done with quickly. In the time we were training I spent so many nights crying my heart out and being really, really hurt but what I gained, that would be the one that I will remember for a while. When you are out there on the stage, no one else matters but yourself. Up there, if you don't shine, you'll get eaten up alive. That's why, it's a matter of whose passion is bigger. And watching myself, the people dancing around me said I looked out of control because of how I splashed my energy but on video, I looked presentable and only just presentable. I cannot imagine the effort needed to look good while dancing. I now look up to many more dancers for what they have put in and well, I'm confident I can do the same all too soon. It's about time I redoubled my efforts again.. that and. I've actually fully recovered. Not my physical problem. My mental one. I can finally say I have come free of that one chain that held me down. I feel free but there is still one 2 more chains I have to learn to break free of. One is that of my own faith in myself and the second... of past emotions.

so my horoscope says that I would soon come across a deep and enigmatic mystery to unravel. Really accurate stuff in that app, I have some belief that this might be a person but who, or what might if be that i'll face today?Don't keep me in suspense please. One more challenge to go through, one more challenge to grow through. Speaking of growing through, I sort of understand why people feel uncomfortable in a certain situation after a while. Simply, they have grown out of it and grown above it now. Maybe that's why huh. I've grown away from the old me and it is one of my most positive changes. The me 8 months ago would be proud of me now hehe. But it sucks to see two people grow in opposite directions from each other. Inevitable, but saddening too. I've watched too many people suddenly realise what they want(or do not want)(even worse, do not even know what they want and take it out on people) then break off with a close friend. I'm a repeat offender for that I guess..but there's nothing I can do for those anymore. As much as I want to repair all of them, I myself have changed. As much as I want to.. maybe it's just me not being strong enough yet to face some people yet. I still feel urges to want to hug them and tell them it's going to be alright, I still feel the duty of being with them to make them happy..there is 1 I still want to try to get back. Go back to the way before shit happened. The happy, innocent dreamy stage... oh well. I miss you so much. Maybe it's just me now. I'm almost ready...but I might already be too late.
 I feel myself opening up to people much more quickly than ever. I think this is how it feels to love yourself, nourish yourself. The world just opens up to you now. People start to look you in the eye, people start to rant to you. People start to rely on you. All the little signs that something has changed inside, and for the better. I hope this change stays, I guess I finally do feel happy with myself.

I only have one regret for Dance Synergy. It was ever thinking that making someone happy would make me happy. I should never have made someone else's happiness my happiness. It should have been simply a part of it, not the whole damn thing. This regret will carry on for a while... this lesson will stay forever. I hate how I still have something to regret for this...

But to close off DS, with just a little reminder to those who still read this. The people who have access to this blog because I gave it to you,  you hold a deep place in my heart. My promise stays, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm simply 8 numbers away. I give you my word.

I feel confident of myself, confident that now whoever I get close I won't lose them the way I did before. And if I do get you, I know now I will never let you go again. If only...

Many tired, shall sleep ^^ PIP tomorrow, all the best to me and Jon!

Long month ahead

If there is anything that was beyond what I had expected, it would be this. Any past times were all out of quick, raging emotions and they died down quickly. This time, to see a relationship of my own that was built from such a strong base, is taking a larger toll on me than I had ever realised. First time for me definitely. I never knew I would have such a hard time getting over anyone ever. I mean hell yeah, it's difficult but not this tough. There's still a part in me that refuses to give up. Thee's still that part that still hopes and wishes and it still sees a future... I don't know. I think this is how it feels to be torn in half and feeling everything at once. I suddenly have so much to say. So many feelings. so many things I want to do. This has really affected me so hard that...I'm not the kind to cry infront of anyone. And for the first time I broke down in front of someone. Strangely it didn't feel embarrassing. I felt raw, I felt what it was like to be put down again. I can only tell myself not to waver for so long. I gave myself a month. It really is starting to look like it'll be quite a long time before I open myself up to anyone new ever again.The hardest hit part about me is that I cannot rant to anyone but to a wall, for I may become reliant as I was before. I tell people how I feel and I get all sorts of response. Hold on, try again, try harder, give up. I mean, I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I don't want to be happy without you but... it might just be a perspective. you already seem to be much happier. Or has my estranged mind come up with impossibilities to make up for the madness... I might be selfish. I've never felt love like this before and that might be the biggest reason I'm struggling to let go. I've envisioned days like this from the start and it is another vision that came true 4 months in advance. Suddenly so many more dreams and past calls are coming back in their own episodes, reminding me to listen to myself.

I've gained much, much more control over my emotions nowadays. I don't have my mood swings anymore and I can actually control what to feel. Maybe not fully yet, but still I have a good amount of influence now. I think I don't appear as down anymore, it seems I can talk to more people and actually feel comfortable making small talk to them or joking with them. Some of my closer friends I can actually have contact without feeling awkward. I have mellowed yet again. It's almost as if with each incident that can shake me,I will instinctively draw a little more inwards and let a little more of my body language out. That didn't quite make sense but yeah. They say marriage mellows a man. What will be of me by the time that happens?

It's true they say that you start getting tired. Of everything, of trying to reach out to people, of trying to change what people thinks of you. I'm there already. So so tired, I want no more than to cry it out but I can't do it while I'm alone and strangely, I feel most comfortable in a crowded, empty place. The area is crowded and filled with people but the space around me is empty. Like in a coffeeshop. Today I was left alone in the auditorium away from my batch and that was the one time I felt just so at home, through all the sounds of performance and cheering I felt so surrounded yet so alone. It was something I could find solace in. I felt many times better right after. Or more accurately I felt peaceful. I should stay sick. Maybe I can find a way to find that time with myself again I hope...

I have much to feel glad for too. I had a friend that would listen to me pour my heart out(accidentally) a night before an exam. I mean if I could, I would thank you in the flashiest way but I don't know how. I can barely say "I love you" with sincerity without cringing. I don't hide my body language if I don't need to. So to this person,  I think you can be considered one of the most valuable people to me. Please don't go... I might be a huge hassle and I will let you down from time to time but given enough time, I know myself. I start to become more and more willing to stand up for you. You almost comparable to Aaron now.

Someone ever told me this. That if the grass was greener on the other side then why would someone think your side of the pasture is greener? That made much sense to me. It seems I have much to learn to appreciate and not just blame the world for what I am. Perhaps what I have now, is really much better than what many have but I choose to be blind to what I have and put myself down unnecessarily

I think this time I lost more than one friend. And these two, they meant so much.I lost a part of my happiness, a part of me essentially. Falling out wasn't the bad part. It was knowing and feeling it in your bones that the other party has given up. Might be just me. I become super sensitized when I am tired recently. What more, I am sick to the point I vomit when I cough. I hadn't lost just a piece of my soul. I'd lost a future. I'd lost what could have been so much laughter and smiles. I know, I lost a big part of me. I can either find it back or create a new part of me but for now, I'm fine just... not doing anything. Not until I fully come to terms with everything. After Dance Synergy, I should just MIA for day. I need time for me. I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I want to break but I'm way too tired to...

I haven't wrote so much in a long while. I hope tonight I can sleep at all.