Losing

Well. It's getting tougher and tougher now. I've monitored myself quite closely and yeah. I've watched myself go from something as simple as a dark, ominous feeling to irritability and constant fatigue, to sleeping problems and eating problems up till now, nightmares yet again. It's getting tougher and tougher to turn a bad day around. One single screw up stays in my mind for so long and impacts me really hard now, too. Things are becoming dull again and this was the worst I'd become in the past. But i'm still breaking. Now it has affected my health. I feel sick all the time, I feel aches that come out of nowhere. My thoughts are starting to get more and more morbid. Starting to fall over to the suicidal side. I feel like ending everything sometimes. Getting more often now.. I don't even know what's with me anymore. My head is hurting as I write, my heart is aching too. I start to hate myself now..

I dont know why i even try to understand others any more. I'm looking for someone that I can talk to and well, can break the cycle. Not to fight this depression for me. Someone that can break me out of the cycle sometimes when I feel hopeless. I can get myself out of it but not when I'm involved in it. Gosh I feel the weakest I have ever been. I need someone now. The fucking problem is this. I'm a stubborn person. I don't need anyone. I need just that someone.

One horrible weekend. I hope really, really hard that tomorrow I may find something that can lets me get a good grip on myself again. I'm prepared to get myself out of this once more. I just really don't know where the hell I should head this time..

Gosh. I haven't slept for the past 3 days now. Let me have a good sleep now...