Madness

Imagine yourself,waking up alone in a pitch-black hallway, lit where you are now only with a small candle, and only one other section lit at the farthest end, and about a huge stretch in utter darkness. You must walk through the entire hallway to live. And as you start, you see the creatures of your nightmares rise from the walls around you but no, you must be imagining things. It's pitch black, how could you possibly see anything at all? The creatures on the walls turn from lines into murals, into figurines  but then again, how could it be possible to see them? How could it be that the mind believes what it wants to see when the eye does not? You trip over something heavy on the floor. Even though you still cannot see anything you bend down to feel the object and horrifyingly, it feels strangely familiar. Or it feels really dreadful. It feels just like a body. You understand that in the tunnels there might actually be things that can kill you at any time. You start to walk a little faster.

Moving on, you hear voices calling to you softly. Alluring, sweet voices that tell you to turn back, stop wherever you are going. You know you must reach the light to live.The images on the walls are starting to come out more and more, they look more and more real. Even more defined and evil. As you go down that same hall way the voices, they become louder and louder and they turn into screams of such distilled hate and contempt. They sound out to your soul, in temptation to give up and give in. You feel your sanity eroding bit by bit now and your body weakening bit by bit.. Whatever you can even think now becomes vague, all you want to do is reach the end. Suddenly you trip yet again. Must be bodies. More and more bodies. They seem to litter the your path now, You hear footsteps thundering behind you now. Run.

The sounds all stop. The world seems to come to a stop. You seem to be alone all over again. You stop to catch your breath now and then take a small cautious step forward. And another. And another. And things all seem safe in the pitch black darkness until...a stony hand clamps on your shoulder. Now the walls truly come alive, where in the pitch darkness you are still unable to see but you hear the walls contorting and cracking, you know that the creatures of your nightmares are truly coming to life to chase. You hear the walls breathing, grunting and most of all, a blood-curdling mention of your name under a breath. You smash the hand off and run for your life, pumping your legs as if you never needed to breathe, your screams petrified in your throat somewhere.

You are almost there. Nothing goes through your head anymore, all you want to do is get out of this wretched place and see the sun again. Fear grips your body and at any of the slightest pin drop, you curl up and scream, begging it not to come to you as you run for your life.Bodies pile up in heaps on either side of you, you can see them since you are closer to the light, You recognize them, their faces belong to people you were once close to and it all makes sense now. The bodies, they were all people you were close to once and now they are dead to you. Fear doesn't feel so horrible now. All you want to do is kneel down by their bodies and cry and grieve but you cannot stop, your body doesn't belong to you anymore. Your mind is not human any more, it has been so scarred and horrified.

It is after an eternity when you finally reach the lighted section. You collapse on the floor, breathing like a madman, sweating and crying. Your body hurts from everything, your mind and heart is breaking apart. You are no longer sane, your soul ripped apart by the trauma in the tunnel. The tears don't stop but you still muster the strength to go closer to the source of light, the light seems to be shining through a hole of sorts.. You come to a door and go through it and the door suddenly slams shut right behind. Realisation sets in now when again you see another hallway and another lighted end, and now you stand beside the light source,

It is the same candle again.

This is how I've been feeling for a long time now. Cycle after cycle. The third one is about to come again. I've monitered myself, how I went from irritability to desensitivity to recently, panic attacks again. I'm scared honestly, I don't exactly feel like I have any one to rely on now. I mean I do, but I know I won't turn to them instinctively, only a handful but I can't. It's going to be more serious this time. I won't be able to take it alone. I'm really terrified. I don't want to use medicine to control my conditions but I don't want to turn to people. I don't want anyone having to handle a burden like me. I lost faith in people recently. I don't like people being halfway in my life. Either a close friend to me or just a friend. I really hate it when there are any other possible statuses like chat buddy or buddy or anything. If you cannot make a positive change in my life,then get out. I will do the same for others. I'm looking for a trustworthy person. People can tell me to be strong or what not. I've fought so hard to keep myself afloat already. I'm exhausted. I'm just want someone to be proud of me too... my body is breaking. Now my mind too. The least i can hope for now is my mind to be strong enough not to give in all the way..