Complexity

Don't tell me you are alright when you don't sleep at night but only cry your heart out. Don't tell me you are alright when your makeup gets thicker, trying to hide your eyes. Don't tell me you are alright when you can barely eat the food in front of you and you've lost so much weight. Don't tell me you are alright,when you are anything but that.

I'm by no means a simple individual. There isn't really a person now that I would say that can understands me(except maybe, Aaron Glenson and probably the some of the guys I'm much closer to). It kind of sucks to be always thinking in layers and to always be switching between logical, emotional and other kinds of thinking. It's unbelievably tiring as it is but thank god for pracs. I found a way to calm my mind. That's not really my point. But...there are people who don't understand the complexity and who used to be super close to me. I don't really know why it suddenly becomes a little urgent for me to write about it. Maybe the changes have a little effect on me but I'm still not so strong to brush it off. I mean... there are too many layers to me. Now, I still retain about 8 of them. It was 16 before breakdown. It's a way to protect myself I guess. Blatantly, I put up smokescreens simply to see who stays. there's not even a wall to climb. I don't really consider this as fake but just a way for me to screen people out. Just ...I think I'm about as disappointed as anyone can get when I realise that hey, this person is trustworthy and just before I start to really open to them they go away. Some of these people, they would/ have already earned a deep place in my heart but there they go. It's something I have to learn to get used to, too. it didn't really happen in the past but now more and more. People I guess. Everyone was hurt that badly once before too.
I hate body language reading now. It's so damn tiring and I can't turn it off =.=

But here brings my other worry, I noticed , as I look through myself over and over again that I have a tendency to bring myself to be below the people I've come to love. In other words, make myself dispensible to them somehow. It seems that as I look back, I seem to be carrying traits of someone I vowed never to be like. The way I tell them, the way I do things for them. The worst of it is that they might not always be happy if I do things for them, and I always end up really unhappy afterwards. Then I'll be chiding myself and constantly reminding myself of where I went wrong. And I think that might actually be the problem. Now and then I'll come across someone again that can make me look up to life again and then this cycle repeats and very honestly I don't really know how to reverse it. sigh... Am I too kind and too soft hearted, even now. for my own good? I don't want to be hard-hearted like I was again. It doesn't feel good at all. Can someone , who can see where I am now tell me what to do... It's true. It will be extremely difficult to find someone who understands me in my own age group. Nevermind age group. Even my parents have ever said they find me really complicated at times.

If only I could tell you everything.

Okay now I shall rant a little. I absolutely hate it when people, after being close for awhile and one person may have drifted away and is now no longer as close, the other person starts hating on the other. That's says a lot about the person. I mean, you could say that once we were soulmates to me and look what the hell you are saying about me now. I do pity the friends that stay around you, and I understand why people stay away from you too. But the fact that we were ever close before horrifies me sometimes. It means that at one point of time, I pitied you and by me, nobody is to ever pity anyone and..it really makes me feel shitty about myself

About 2 weeks ago I swore to find rest and some proper sleep and I haven't got it till now. Today my energy level crashed really hard. Time to be getting breaks and damn, when the holidays come around, It'll be just about time to work hard again.



I've honestly had about enough when it comes to getting to know people all over again. Meeting someone new, going through all the awkward first conversations and then actually doing things together with them. Humans are really weird. I like meeting new people definitely but... get to know them? That will still take me quite a lot of time. I'm might be more of a mix now, but I still like to be alone. I still like it when only the people I like are with me at my quiet times. I'm really weird too.

But really, if you think you know what's happening to me please I actually kind of need help but I don't really know who to turn to and how .-.lll