If there is anything that was beyond what I had expected, it would be this. Any past times were all out of quick, raging emotions and they died down quickly. This time, to see a relationship of my own that was built from such a strong base, is taking a larger toll on me than I had ever realised. First time for me definitely. I never knew I would have such a hard time getting over anyone ever. I mean hell yeah, it's difficult but not this tough. There's still a part in me that refuses to give up. Thee's still that part that still hopes and wishes and it still sees a future... I don't know. I think this is how it feels to be torn in half and feeling everything at once. I suddenly have so much to say. So many feelings. so many things I want to do. This has really affected me so hard that...I'm not the kind to cry infront of anyone. And for the first time I broke down in front of someone. Strangely it didn't feel embarrassing. I felt raw, I felt what it was like to be put down again. I can only tell myself not to waver for so long. I gave myself a month. It really is starting to look like it'll be quite a long time before I open myself up to anyone new ever again.The hardest hit part about me is that I cannot rant to anyone but to a wall, for I may become reliant as I was before. I tell people how I feel and I get all sorts of response. Hold on, try again, try harder, give up. I mean, I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I don't want to be happy without you but... it might just be a perspective. you already seem to be much happier. Or has my estranged mind come up with impossibilities to make up for the madness... I might be selfish. I've never felt love like this before and that might be the biggest reason I'm struggling to let go. I've envisioned days like this from the start and it is another vision that came true 4 months in advance. Suddenly so many more dreams and past calls are coming back in their own episodes, reminding me to listen to myself.
I've gained much, much more control over my emotions nowadays. I don't have my mood swings anymore and I can actually control what to feel. Maybe not fully yet, but still I have a good amount of influence now. I think I don't appear as down anymore, it seems I can talk to more people and actually feel comfortable making small talk to them or joking with them. Some of my closer friends I can actually have contact without feeling awkward. I have mellowed yet again. It's almost as if with each incident that can shake me,I will instinctively draw a little more inwards and let a little more of my body language out. That didn't quite make sense but yeah. They say marriage mellows a man. What will be of me by the time that happens?
It's true they say that you start getting tired. Of everything, of trying to reach out to people, of trying to change what people thinks of you. I'm there already. So so tired, I want no more than to cry it out but I can't do it while I'm alone and strangely, I feel most comfortable in a crowded, empty place. The area is crowded and filled with people but the space around me is empty. Like in a coffeeshop. Today I was left alone in the auditorium away from my batch and that was the one time I felt just so at home, through all the sounds of performance and cheering I felt so surrounded yet so alone. It was something I could find solace in. I felt many times better right after. Or more accurately I felt peaceful. I should stay sick. Maybe I can find a way to find that time with myself again I hope...
I have much to feel glad for too. I had a friend that would listen to me pour my heart out(accidentally) a night before an exam. I mean if I could, I would thank you in the flashiest way but I don't know how. I can barely say "I love you" with sincerity without cringing. I don't hide my body language if I don't need to. So to this person, I think you can be considered one of the most valuable people to me. Please don't go... I might be a huge hassle and I will let you down from time to time but given enough time, I know myself. I start to become more and more willing to stand up for you. You almost comparable to Aaron now.
Someone ever told me this. That if the grass was greener on the other side then why would someone think your side of the pasture is greener? That made much sense to me. It seems I have much to learn to appreciate and not just blame the world for what I am. Perhaps what I have now, is really much better than what many have but I choose to be blind to what I have and put myself down unnecessarily
I think this time I lost more than one friend. And these two, they meant so much.I lost a part of my happiness, a part of me essentially. Falling out wasn't the bad part. It was knowing and feeling it in your bones that the other party has given up. Might be just me. I become super sensitized when I am tired recently. What more, I am sick to the point I vomit when I cough. I hadn't lost just a piece of my soul. I'd lost a future. I'd lost what could have been so much laughter and smiles. I know, I lost a big part of me. I can either find it back or create a new part of me but for now, I'm fine just... not doing anything. Not until I fully come to terms with everything. After Dance Synergy, I should just MIA for day. I need time for me. I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I want to break but I'm way too tired to...
I haven't wrote so much in a long while. I hope tonight I can sleep at all.
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