December again.

What better way to end the rough November than with ice skating. I swear every time I go on the ice and from the moment I feel comfortable and start sprinting, I feel myself bending lower and going faster, the cool air in my face and the clap of the blades on the ice,  I see somewhere in my imagination me trying to keep my balance and staying up in the speed and not crashing into the walls at such speeds. My soul feels alive, this is one of the rarer times I can ever feel so, almost like I'm fighting for my life, not to crash and hit the walls. I feel as if I am finally present in myself, as like at times when I fall hard into trances when dancing. I feel the struggle and albeit a little strange, it is very comforting. And like every other time I would only skate if I felt so burdened by everything because well, skating always helps me take my mind of everything. Lighten my heart and clear my mind. I guess now I can start December pretty decently, having cleared out my feelings. I have to start over again.With myself, with everyone else.

It feels exactly the same a year ago. It seems it will be another December, like how it is seen in the movies. Lonely, in a snowy hut. That's how I actually feel sometimes. Another Christmas about to be spent waking up knowing that this one might have been different this year but really..Christmas is both important as family, and as romantically. Something I chose to commemorate in both ways and only once was it celebrated the way I dreamed but even then was a bitter Christmas.I hope this year will be different.

Nostalgic day spent. With my closest friend. Haven't seen you in such a long time and yes, seeing you kind of made everything better. I really am glad I met you in Peirce. There isn't quite anyone I know now I can tell everything to and not feel apprehensive about it. There isn't anyone else I can tell all the rubbish emotions and let my facades down and be myself and know that you are still really something to me. Now I don't make efforts for just friends. I don't make efforts for anyone really. But when I do, even if I just say I care or I have made even small efforts then damn you do mean something real big to me. And you, are one of those friends I'd drop everything I'm doing to help you like you did back then. I only regret not being a better friend for you. Spent the whole day doing what we used to do back in the 6 month holidays. I am happy again.

I feel as tired as I am refreshed, strangely yet comfortably. I feel alone as I am surrounded, only by the people I do not want around me. I feel...out of love as I am in love. I do not know where I stand in myself,  perhaps I have been knocked off balance again. I feel a little lost, maybe because my eyes cannot see where I am going but at least my heart is leading me. I trust my instincts.

I miss talking to you all the time.

"Which is more tragic, to be born with eyes but without vision, or to be born with a heart but without love?"