Saddened

"Maybe someday i'll find someone who, like me, sees the fire in slow jazz or hears the love in soul. Someone that'll look to the sky when she listens to piano tones and pines the same as i do for her, Someone who likes her tea a little sweeter, a little more fragrant on a nice Saturday morning by her bed, someone who dances the same steps and feels the flow and flows with me. Maybe i'll find someone who finds solace in sitting by the window on a rainy day and staring at the window, guessing which raindrop hits the bottom of the pane first. Maybe she will be just like me, outgoing by day and self-absorbed by night, coming home from a day with friends to a home of rest.

But I'm terrified, petrified. What if one day I do find this person, but every time I look at her I look for you? What if every time she laughs, I look for your laugh and what if every time she feels happy,I still look for your eyes?

But I still want to believe in you. Maybe one day you'll realize something meaningful in your life and it will turn around to be better. It may not have happened yet, and I may not have met you, but I still want to believe that you are there somewhere and one day our paths may cross and the meaningful thing to happen to you is our meeting. It'll be alright if I never meet you. At least I'll have something to believe and hold on to."

I'm just like anyone else, They say that what one loses in their childhood they seek to replace in their adulthood. Some seek for it as it as, others give to receive in others. I guess that's why i have a sort of parental instinct from young age.I ,like anyone else, have massive fears and i have emotional problems that i know i cannot handle alone, and i am learning to cope(finally) and the one thing i have been looking for so far is not anything of extreme trials, but actually just a companion. Not that i'm really really lonely, but i guess i have been looking for someone whom i can sit down comfortably in silence with. I've learnt to accomodate to people

. I've changed many things of me to the point i've really had it. I cant hide it anymore. For once in a long time, suppression didn't work and i can feel a certain problem coming back. I feel absolutely unappreciated, like thrash, and for once in my life i feel like the person people will approach when they need help and leave when they don't, the wall that people bounce their problems off and leave that wall to crack and weather rain and shine alone

It's been a month since production, the last time i felt this upset. I guess tonight i'm not getting any sleep. I hate how when i get emotional nightmares accompany also. sigh...