Really lost

Everytime I do a full day of soul searching I learn a little more about myself. Today was no different apart from the fact that it took me back to day 1. And throughout everything I think I have found the problem. Myself really. I got too caught up in everything, and this is how weak I really am. I guess after yesterday's prac I was worn down again to bare minimum yet again. Suprisingly I didn't shut myself out from everyone like I had expected but still, quieter than normal.  My efforts to micromanage everything, where it had succeeded in the past is failing now. I have to admit I really went wrong somewhere. And maybe it will be better to leave whatever is in the past there and head forward. So much uncertainties and it seems so vague. Times like this I really want no more than your reassurance. Times like this I just want someone to lie on too. Is this how I'm supposed to feel, scared and alone?  Maybe so. I'll be strong enough to lift not just one, but both of us. Very, very soon...

Moving back higher up since the last drop in the cycle is really tiring. It's much like struggling to walk uphill except, you'll never really know where the mountain top is. You struggle on and on, days become brighter but everyday you feel a little more tired. And even I am trying hard not to wither and collapse. Every once in a while I meet someone in this cycle that is able to push me harder and harder, and is worth the run uphill. I always avoid because of red flags that are raised by instincts, then come to regret it later on. There was once upon a time I thought that without her I would die. Obviously not. Once upon a time I thought that I need someone to be me. Not so. Once upon a time I had to rely on others to live. But well... it seems one of the lesson I learnt the hardest is that there is no point in waiting for someone to pick you up, when they do you will just fall again after they step away even for a little. That's something I must keep in mind. Something that needs to be in me.

So much has been placed into my head and is struggling to settle down. After this emotional wave dies down I have one more thing to settle in myself. With so much in philosophy and logic as my base of thoughts, it seems I have lost the ability to keep conversations with anyone at all. I should really try...after this to open myself up again. No point closing myself up again anymore.

I have to admit. I miss the times laughing and what not. I miss... feeling like myself with you.

But first, closure and explanation for every thing that is happening now. I feel lost. I feel alone and I do feel a little scared.  Do come back...please.

"Flowers blooming after the deepest winters can teach you a good lesson about standing back up"