Again and again

"And as I was once asked, which is more important to a bird, the left or the right wing? Is it more important to love, or be loved?"

Of all times for me to have a flashback/ revelation, it has to be in macroecons lecture. Suddenly thought back to one trying time and how all I did was encourage myself, and helped myself back up again and there was one lesson I needed the most, the most important of all. One I had almost lost my life for. Didn't I already learn how to live by myself? Why is it that now I am in need of someone else to function? And in the midst of a depressive period I had the strength to look up again. It is still gratifying that he still resides somewhere in the recesses of my mind and still watches out for me when I need it most.

Not just that too, even the article I chose for my ICA is a fitting topic for me now. I forgotten how long has it been since I chose to abandon myself in order to be with someone, to change parts of me to crucial that they maintain a certain balance in me just to suit the environment. Now I see truly, What the hell was I thinking? . What are you going to give to people if you give what's most important to sustain yourself away? It's just insulting myself, letting what I built up so painstakingly go to waste in such a short time but hey, I'm looking to redo it. And now I swear, no more. I won't allow this to happen again.

An elder once taught me to take care of a love as if I would to a rose, first to appreciate the rose for what it is, to be aware of what it may do, and to take it as it is, meaningful, painful and beautiful

And this one line keeps on coming back into my head. There are two ways to hurt someone you love. One is by not giving to them, the other is not giving to yourself.

And with this realisation I hope that I may sleep in peace tonight, no nightmares, no emotional waves, no panic attacks. I cannot afford to lose out of my ICA tomorrow. Gonna bullshit for 3 whole minutes again I guess. And probably the harshest of all. I have to be ready to lose you again.