Soon soon

"It's the trait of the deep thinkers to withdraw into their shell when tired or stressed"

Another night of extreme coughing and really heavy thoughts. Realisations, revelations, it doesn't quite end does it. This week will be a replay of props week for me except many times tougher. I don't know how I can quite survive this week but if I pull through, it really means I have improved from what I was since then. But till this week is over, I shan't say much now. It's only the second day of the week, 4 more days of prac. Much like props week, I know I will withdraw and this round, very, very hard. Maybe so badly that I stop talking to my classmates. Heck that would be worst case scenario already. Like maybe the only 1 or 2 classmates are the people I can actually talk to. In fb, not so many. There are those people but I don't feel close enough with them to tell them at all.  And yes, I really want to rant to someone. I'm starting to feel the angst and frustration build up. I have many ways to get rid of them but hey, it's nice to have someone listen to you once in awhile. Now, nevermind the fact that tomorrow is guys item prac and that its gonna be a bitch to survive. SEAGames is coming and that's pure commitment till June. I don't really mind though... its not really like I'm gonna lose out  on much. I don't have anyone left to lose, I don't have much left to give. Where this is headed, is also in lieu with one of my dreams.

Irony is this, Sometimes you don't get to get the best of both worlds. That feeling sucks definitely but really. How do you expect a person who is involved to be able to settle the problem and even the field again. It's so so tiring to be the mediator. So tiring to hear the feelings of others and not letting your own be heard. Where others leave their prints on you and leave, then when you need the person for the same reason they become so cold.  Given, I will ignore people when I myself am too bogged down by other stuff.Sometimes even I ask for a little in return, Maybe as small as just listening to what I need to say.

Big lesson again in school, through my whole life there seems to be one thing in common. Until I fall and settle down to someone I seem to be always restless, moving from group to group but once I do find someone, once I do fall in love and I am sure that that person is suitable ,I will always come home to the person first thing everyday. Many post ago I spoke about me being somewhat of a social nomad since I was very young and that I would be extremely selective of the people I chose to associate myself with. It seems that there is a connection with the type of people my parents were but, what benchmark do I have? All that I have in myself now, built from scratch . Coming to see people's true colors over time also helped. It seems now that the people I am attracted to have a dark tendency about them. The beautiful depression. No wonder, I was there before and it's something familiar. But still, one of my best traits would be seeing a person for who he/she is. A new category seems to be coming up in me now.

I'm really really tired. From my emotions which I have yet to settle fully. So many loose ends and memories. To clear out each and everyone of them is not a joke, I have always been like this, to protect myself. I need the time, I need to hear your voice again. I need your reassurance. But no matter. I alone will suffice. I still must pull through tougher weeks and if I am not enough for myself then I am some piece of thrash.