The worst is over. I hope.

"They say love is the 7th sense that can turn the other 6 senses into nonsense and as powerful as it may seem, is rarer than common sense."

I've lost way too much sleep in the past two weeks just simply mulling over a mistake that i've made. Coupled with the lower points in the depressive cycle. It seems that tonight I've hit the lowest point. My emotions spilled over my limit without my consent. This low has been the lowest since the first episode in 2012, unbelievably too making it possibly one of the toughest times I've faced alone up till now. It has blinded my eyes from what is truly neutrals, what was to harm and what was to help me and instead flipped everything around, almost even had me losing total control and breaking my promise.This shows so much about me, I should never have to fall in love and reach that difficult stage, for should both coincide I will be in trouble. But also today I see that while I may stumble, I definitely did something right in the past for me to still be standing now. Back then, I set something inside me correctly.

The evening was a tough one. Even before, my emotions has never been so fluid before and so explosive. I was suddenly on the verge yet again but simply a name would be enough to bring me back out.

But at least I gain. I stretched my mental and emotional capacity yet,new perspectives and angles to look at problems, But one thing is sure. I will not allow myself to fall for another person anymore, not at least for another few years. Maybe I will, if things don't work out now, maybe. I would have to look for someone who thinks along the same way as me, someone who hates to settle down but wants a home to return to,someone who loves to travel and has a free spirit like me, someone whom i can find emotion, physical and mental solace in when around her. Perhaps I was not meant to find love in my life, perhaps I was not meant for receiving but to give. But still, I need to rebuild this place I've set aside for her, since it was damaged from this rare an episode,Yes I know I can sustain myself pretty well enough but when this space is filled up, I know that everything I knew, everything I have will change for the better a hundred times over and I am hella excited for that time to come. I really hope I have met this person already,I hope it's the same person I have in mind. My my, isn't she just beautiful. I'd love to see her now.

Just now I met a really old friend. She hasn't change much from the last time I seen her. My first teacher really and we still click well. It seems that in a blink of an eye,  a decade has passed already. I am still in shock when she said that I seemed to have the environment in control, but I forgot to feed myself. I guess when you teach that many generations of students it becomes apparent huh.

"Since I met you I see a balance you have, when you forget to give to others you would always look sickly, skinny or tired. When you forget to give to yourself, your eyes would always look tired. And my, your eyes looks so dulled now"

Now that the lowest of the cycle is over, I can look forward to brighter days now. How much I really needed days like that, and thank god for some classmates who could cheer me up everytime.