Breakdown

So i've just sat down and my mind started to wander far and fast... And it came to them again. I remembered how it hurt that now they only look at each other with friendly stares and not the way it is supposed to be. I remember how it was being so helpless. I never thought that me of all people would break down so easily.

So was it their fault that things are like this, or mine for being a stubborn idiot and not giving up?

Then it came to my own separation. I goddamned feel so much like a child being referred to as 'that'. Alien. A creature. My whirlwind emotions took over and all i wanted to do was just lie down and pray the storm away. I feel so small. I feel so...insecure.

They say that humans find what is missing elsewhere to fill themselves in. I keep looking for something in others that i know is non-existent in myself but i already am scared of it. Having gotten it once and having it torn right out and even having people sprinkle salt all over it. I swear i thought that i was truly really numbed and wouldn't feel again. I haven't felt this turmoil for months and tonight it hits me. Then i realise that each time it happens i feel lesser and lesser. I don't know what hell i am supposed to feel now.

I can't find security in my best friend. I can't feel that safety in my family. I can't even say that i trust myself. Only me and God knows what went through my mind back then and it's still there and i don't want anyone to see this but i need to pour it all out to somebody.

Contradicting aren't i.

I need somebody but i'm too afraid to ask.

I just hope that one day i'll be actually mature enough to realise that sometimes it wasn't truly my fault and learn to forgive myself.




There's just that one person i need beside me. I wonder how is she now...