Oh wells.

I spent the friday night after working thinking... And it somehow spiralled out of control but within what i was originally mulling over. What if... One day. I passed away just like in my dream...

I realised how much i don't want to disappoint my family. How much i don't want to see the two of them down. How much i want to see my brother happy. I didn't want anyone to tear over me. I'm not that much of a gem for anybody to be down for. More like those passing moments, i think if i disappeared.
I haven't found love yet. I haven't gotten married yet. I haven't had my child i haven't graduated i haven't cooked a dinner on Christmas for my family yet. I hadn't fulfilled my duty as a child yet. How could i think of suicide. I have so much to do with so many people for so many events. I want to travel the world. The world stage for either my guitar or dance. Yes they say, fools live to dream, cowards dream to live. One day i'll be there.

I mean because of work i learnt that in absence will you know of what you have, in abundance will you learn of what you lack. I spent so many days away from dinner at home. It's been a month? I suddenly really miss and like having dinner with the family. I found myself missing homecooked food. I found myself never getting used to not hearing nagging and from then i started to miss home. I'd get so emotional sometimes after work when i go home but...as usual. I gotta hold it in. I can't imagine what'll happen to me in NS.
But also because of work i learnt what i don't need. I don't need someone to rely on that much anymore. I don't need love to live like how i believed. I don't need to have everything i want to be happy. I just need to do what i love to do. Until a little...big problem appears. But hey that is beside the topic. I took so much out of this job. The satisfaction is simply overwhelming and the saturation of joy is unbelievable. It might be my last few weeks but i still want to enjoy.

I hate change urgh. I don't like a strongly foreign place with new people. I mean i'm scared i might not get along... :/
Oh well.