Why why why

"The train in the distance rumbles past, lights flashing out in the night like dying sparks. Under the stars the cool wind blows, the leaves rustle above and the grass sway underfoot as he sits there thinking, was what he done... What he really wanted? A flash. A memory plays. He is holding the hand of a girl. Another scenes. He hugged the girl from behind. Closing his eyes and trying to run by sleeping the reminiscence haunts him replaying every precious memory in agonizing taunts. He wonders if... Choosing to walk away was really what he wanted. But no matter, what's done has been done"

So i spent the day out with the clique as usual. But in the night with glenson he suddenly mentioned aaron and... It pains me so hard. I never knew anyone could be hit by regret this hard and feel this horrible for another friend. He is my brother and i can only tell myself 'if only i made him study' i don't know. I feel like shit. I don't even get why i feel this way. I can't support him the way i should be and what can i do to change this? It's gonna be another 3 years. 3 years in this damn place...is a lot of time.
I'm not a good senior either. I couldn't prevent this happening in ncc, such a terrible drop. I'm even beginning to feel it was my fault for not putting the batch of my year in place to train ncc well and now the standard is going to drop. I know how hard i'll blame myself if we don't get gold award this year. All i have is a sergeant major who is complacent, and the head is reliant on outsiders. I don't want to take things this hard into my hands but it seems that soon i must.

Hahh. What glenson said struck me awake. I might not be such a good friend as i think i am at all...