Blindside

In a man's true wretchedness, when every strand of hair turns grey and every limb strains frail, under the weight of the world, only then will he be understood for the price of his soul. In a man's true weakness, when his fears and insecurities manifest to haunt him in the night, only then will the fortitude of his spirit shine. In a man's true fear, when his breaths are counted and his family stands by only to cry, only then will the world know what kind of person he was.

So today i learnt this much, on the first day of CNY that sometimes you have to know when are people about finally give up after tolerating so much and cherishing everything you have. So like at night, i'm watching this show and it really, really hits me like what if one day. My family disappears and i'm suddenly alone. And i've reached a point i've given up and have resigned to fate, working my whole life to support myself, scrimping just to pull through alone. That seriously scared the crap out of me. Come to think of it, whenever i think that i'll be lonely i get really afraid. I mean i love being alone but not...yeah. But what can i do to work hard to not be lonely? I mean i really love to see the smiles of my siblings and kids and their laughter so bright. I just had to be a more family kind of guy.
Then i reflected on myself today that i'm really almost through with aaron. I'm sick of waiting and i'm seriously goddamn sick of putting up with his insensitivity. Its like, i try and i really try to help him but he doesnt want to budge and i'm not the only person who has given up on him. Another person has reached the point he doesn't even feel pity for him anymore. What more me. All i know is regret about him that i didn't make him do better than he should have. I wish i'm a better friend. All my other worries and regret seems infinitesimal compared... To this one.

I'm a little afraid that a certain side of me may come back. I understood psychopathic behaviour and i'm not all go for that part of me to dominate again. I know i'll be bloodthirsty and i won't stop till i've quenched my thirst for hurt. Happened before and it might happen again and if this psychopath comes back i have no idea what he might bring about.

'It seems i'm turning blind. I hope, to all prejudice and hatred so that i maybe be in peace with myself"

Manz...i don't remember seeing other teens needing to deal with this kind of shit. But hey, there's the fun along the way too. I get to see who means to be there for me too.