It seems one meet up with the person dearest to me in such a while was able to bring me back up again. I think I finally found the root of my problem. It was never, ever fun to live through depression like that and it might seem like its gone now but its always there, somewhere. Aaron again could pull me out because he knew exactly why I kept sinking in deeper and deeper. And well, yes. Again and again i owe my life to him, many times over because I was so , so close to suicide. Felt hopeless. Really really hopeless and I wanted nothing more than to end everything there and then. The kind of fear that overwhelms you from what seems to be a small speck of dirt to titanic waves that bear down on you. And yet he could do away with all that with just talking sense to me. He's right too, I need to find another him and Glenson here.
Perhaps I kept sinking because I didn't trust the people around me, I shut the people around me out and that only served to harm me more than help. Opening up now suddenly pulled me back up to a me that I was very long ago, albeit a little more sensible now. I thought this side of me was dead. Dead in the three long years I fought every day to stay afloat. But even as I say all this...vestiges remain and there is every possibility that it will, and it can come back, harder and stronger.
It feels weird this time too. Like a chapter closing. I felt it really, but it might be just like the previous time. I shall wait a few weeks before saying any more.. But should this time really be the one that lets me move on, I shan't wait any more. I've spent too much time on regret because I was too busy trying to save others thinking it would repair me, too much on heartbreak and definitely way too much on changing the effects the past had on me. Now it feels like I woke up a different person. And I want to make it stay that way. Sadness was a part of me and now I have to find my happiness too. I changed many things in my life already, including people and to a certain you especially...I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. I may never be, sadly. I would do anything to go back to the past where we were on such good terms and maybe more but maybe in the future, if we meet again like that again, maybe then I'll be strong enough for you. I'm terribly sick of feeling so terrified all the time and horribly tired of staying tired for nothing. Once this round is completely over, I won't turn back anymore. I'm finally going to start afresh. Leave the worst of me behind me finally. Since today I learnt something so crucial. It seems I was never mature, I was simply bitter. But now, please let this be a chance to move on. From everything finally.
I kind of hope this will be the last time I am writing to vent my emotions and any sadness I have in the future. This sadness inside here, I don't really know how to get around it, it comes through my mind every now and then and I hope that soon enough someone will come around again, perhaps no need to be a pillar of support for me but for a first in a long while, have me look forward to seeing her again and again for years on end. Maybe I'll come to find the thing that I need so badly since I could ever remember and gosh please if I do find you, I'm not going to let you go anymore.
I feel so alone now. No longer lonely, just alone.
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