Y'know Christmas every year, the same thing over and over for the whole life you've known is really boring. Family gathering to the usual gift exchange. This year i wanted it to be a little...special. Maybe just to spend it with a certain her, just us for dinner. Thank god i didn't i'd probably bore her out of her wits. I mean, just a little change once in awhile. This year i'm having the Christmas dinner at my Godmother's place. It's filled with...girls and...kids. So awkward._. at least my brother is going yeah. And i MIGHT perform(i hope the guitar is down) ugh i haven't touched it in god knows how long i miss her so damn much :/ i'm gonna get a new guitar though. I'm gonna save enough so that one day i can buy that Taylor i wanted for the longest time. Or a pair of ice skates. Or that collection of books i've been drooling over ahh teenage life needs so much money.
Going over to a more solemn side...today takes 'shitty' to a new level. Lunch was busy. At least full house and throughout the whole of today, i'm fighting drowsiness, nausea and dizzyness. Especially just now i nearly vomited. What on earth... How am i going to prepare for friday. I pray tomorrow isn't busy at all. I might not be able to handle it.
Then...my feelings are really slowly returning. I don't feel numb all the time anymore, some stirrings are finally happening. I don't know why and how but i hope it turns out well this time around. I can't handle that kind of bouts with him alone. How it even recovered is questionable. Alot changed and happened te moment she came in... I don't know. I just wish i'll be mature enough to buffer the full force of all my emotions when it opens. Somehow i have this feeling what happened last year was only...half of it?
So i'd wished for today to be quiet. I never dared to have high hopes because always, and goddamn always, something will spoil my mood before it happens. And there are more and more things accumulating on my mind. Memories i had forcefully removed from my mind are starting to come back one by one.I guess slowly i'll need to pour it out to somebody sooon... And how many can i trust._.quite alot really.
Okay. I'm seriously sick of being single :P maybe not that bad, but...just looking around.
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