Hello august~

Talk about annoyed i swear.

I can't control my feelings as well as other people do. In fact, i'm starting to learn how to only direct it and not even use is intricately. Imagine what that vastness of emotional power can bring to me.



But this morning, don't know why don't know how, i woke up with a revalation in a dream. Kept dreaming of me learning how to fly an airplane. I guess i could interpret it as, i have to learn to fly, where to go and what to find. Realised how i've been just floating around, just being that thing that lets the waves flow me around. I found myself seriously, seriously sick of that. I'm gonna start putting things back into place.

First starts with the romances and finding a partner. I've been the sympathising one so many times. I dream of finding someone, who can be my listening ear, the person that could gain my trust and be my support. Kindness would be a bonus, looks would be surplus. I surprised myself too. I haven't stopped mourning since a year ago. I actually still miss you but i'm glad that at least you're happy with him. Seeing your sweet smile is just so heartwarming i guess... At the least i finally felt like i woke up for real. It's about time i start fighting for someone i want, instead of trying to be that someone people wants. I'm sick and tired of things the way they are. I give everything i have now to have a fresh start. Restart. Down to as if i never had a crush recently. I'll take the first move now. I've given up.

Next is well...life. I gotta stop letting things slide so freely. So much frustrations built up because of that and now...disgust to disdain. Hurt to anger. Frustrations to change. Need that thing to rely on because i know how weak i can get, how stubborn i can be, how sharp i can speak, how...deadly i can become. In a sense, i need someone to steer me in the right direction once. I feel like giving everything up. Feel like shit. Basketball, guitar and dance still manage to take all that off my mind for awhile. Just for awhile. I'l show you the setbacks from the disorders. One of which includes ridiculous speeds in changing feelings. Then comes the trust issues i have. Kinda no surprise i'm such a bore and chore.

And then...the chinese 7th month started. Yesterday in class i heard the dreadful gate scrap on rough floor...the opening of the gates. Whole of yesterday bugged by problems and little hickups, and even today i kept feeling ice water splashed onto my back when there really was nothing. It became a little creepy when i was shoved, and i was alone. Better than some people at least...

I don't know. All i know is this week will be really challenging, and this month is gonna suck soooooo bad.