Stupid irony.

Help i swear. Today was supposed to be happy right? Like hell, it's prom! But. But what the hell happened...

I came down into the lounge and the way she dressed impressed me, hit me almost physically. And that's it, i kept on thinking how much of a gem i let go. Realised i still have that much feelings. Found i still care.

Then there were people making lewd comments and i was so offended but what could i do? They were telling me how big a loss i made. What can i do? My mood was wrested into a wreck.
Throughout the event i was reminiscing and thinking and wondering why i still have these vestiges of feelings. Or to be accurate, why it didn't go away and only was buried. I feel so damn sick feeling down and worried and scared everytime that happens and this time i don't know what happened i just couldn't enjoy. Felt the need to connect with somebody. That bloodthirst urge to do so and it scares me that how much have i changed for the worse even though i did everything to reverse it. True that all and everytime i chose to let go first but i didn't see this; it would have such a resounding impact in the future and now i just want to go back into the past. Alone to spend time with those people again.

I suddenly realised how i just loved to be alone. It wasn't the case last time. I wanted company. I needed a companion. Now...it's almost as if i abhor human presence. I feel he is coming back into me. I don't want to lose to him but i didn't win him alone the last time and now...i guess i might really be alone. Can that person of fairy tales that can unlock me come already. I waited for all my life already...
I hate this feeling. I hate fighting against him.

Such an irony. I need her with me, but i hate having her with me. Somebody save me.

Breakdown

So i've just sat down and my mind started to wander far and fast... And it came to them again. I remembered how it hurt that now they only look at each other with friendly stares and not the way it is supposed to be. I remember how it was being so helpless. I never thought that me of all people would break down so easily.

So was it their fault that things are like this, or mine for being a stubborn idiot and not giving up?

Then it came to my own separation. I goddamned feel so much like a child being referred to as 'that'. Alien. A creature. My whirlwind emotions took over and all i wanted to do was just lie down and pray the storm away. I feel so small. I feel so...insecure.

They say that humans find what is missing elsewhere to fill themselves in. I keep looking for something in others that i know is non-existent in myself but i already am scared of it. Having gotten it once and having it torn right out and even having people sprinkle salt all over it. I swear i thought that i was truly really numbed and wouldn't feel again. I haven't felt this turmoil for months and tonight it hits me. Then i realise that each time it happens i feel lesser and lesser. I don't know what hell i am supposed to feel now.

I can't find security in my best friend. I can't feel that safety in my family. I can't even say that i trust myself. Only me and God knows what went through my mind back then and it's still there and i don't want anyone to see this but i need to pour it all out to somebody.

Contradicting aren't i.

I need somebody but i'm too afraid to ask.

I just hope that one day i'll be actually mature enough to realise that sometimes it wasn't truly my fault and learn to forgive myself.




There's just that one person i need beside me. I wonder how is she now...

Lala~

So like back a few days ago i went to Furama Riverfront hotel to view the stage in preparation for my upcoming performance and did the lobby hit me hard. It came to me as my fantasy to spend time in with the special her for the longest time. I have this crazy fancies for the 1800s english culture. When chilvary was common and feminism was expected.

The polish pearl marble walls was bathed in golden light by the breathtaking chandelier in the centre of the ceiling. The pillars are lined with gold and the occasional gem giving the entire hall the luxurious ambience. The arc walkway into the hall sheltered by roses stretched out, the velvet keeping the floor. Music is flowing smoothly from the band at the corner springing the romance in the air and in the centre, an ice rink sinking the entire hall into an ice-blue gold.

What am i saying. I cant even put that proper :(

Today is a nightmare

So i went to this old folks home today hopeful of doing something meaningful. So i stepped into this peaceful, tranquil haven where peace filled the air and everything lazed by. How...wrong was i.

I remember, the first dorm was pretty alrght. The people there were pretty friendly and the elderly were rather chatty and cheery except for one. I see she hated the rest of the dorm HAHAHA because she found one crazy and another too noisy. This was still pretty okay but i noticed here and there a little... Odds sticking out. How some elderly were not as able to move normally as the other..

Moving into another dorm of the aunties was the eye opener. Most of them weren't able to even sit up or talk properly. Some had ED's, some were grumbly. This is especially so in the third dorm of uncles. Most of them were in such a plight. Then i noticed what was holding them down. They were actually tied to the bed. And that absolutely disgusted me.

You know what it's like? You are spending your last few years WAITING to die. There is nothing they can do and they are fed everything while doing nothing. It's like tying you to a bed and watching you die. Not that we could do anything or anything could be done in earnest anyway but the idea of it sickens me. Worst still the moment i entered a particular dorm in dorm 2, i felt nauseous immediately. That one room was full of ominous presence. When they pass away there, they are forgotten forever. Just another patient that went. I swear...i felt so damn demoralised. That God knows i might be there someday. I'd honestly rather die.


Choreography into practice into play today. I feel really tired :( didnt sleep well for the past two days. Tomorrow i'm probably basketballing or solo skating. I need serious alone time. Or atleast...with just a person. I mean, any person.

((A pair in life, a struggle in love. I just wish she would appear right here and now so i won't have to search anymore :( ))

Anonymous changes.

I remember somewhere in this times, when we had only one friend. One soul that we could play with, quarrel, laugh and scream our hearts out. Then we get a little older, our circle of friends widen be it a little, a little bolder. Into primary school. Into secondary school. People suddenly learnt how to feel, and were forced and pressured and taught what to feel. What is shame? What is guilt? From playful children tainted to fledglings with a new power. Backstabbing, badmouthing, simply standing people up. Friendships are so easily forged and broken. Going into the tertiary stage, everything is fogged by society. Teachers telling us that we need good grades to get good jobs. Who can you trust when there is 5 spaces for 50,000 students? Into the working world. It suddenly becomes every man for himself. He has a family to support. She has a child to feed. Couples form and break, everyone hopeful for their significant other.

But throughout that, there will always be that one person that sticks through everything. Be it known or not. Be it appreciated or not.

I guess i'm sick of the practical side of human life. How it keeps changing for its own benefits and not for those around. I'm even worse offt thinking that i was like that in the past, how i hurt people just to dig out the possibilities a little faster. I was by no means ethical, and now comes this. I guess i took this short break...from having feelings. I mean emotions. It feels nice being so quiet inside here... Needing nobody, heeding no one. Like how she said, it is a hollow block of ice. It cant be melted, it can't be destroyed, it can only be expressed. And that's not something i will like since...it was expressed once. That was already pretty mild.

Back to the Happier side of life now. Happy is quite...much an overstatement. I am contented with things i have now but somehow i am not...happy. I feel really neutral to everything and that makes me feel like i'm living a purposeless life. Since Anonymous is aboutto attack... I do have something to focus on. I'm a supported.
It's stupid to think how Anonymous will destroy stability and peace in SG when all they want is removal of the absurd rules of the IDA. 50,000 unique visitors is a stretch. And a post commending singapore every month? Plus removal of any types supporting racial or religious conflicts. Understandable but IF. It is a real issue? I see Anonymous somewhat as the opposition party except with different approach. Not appreciated at all their method but their aim is well...understood.

Tired . Shall head to bed...

Maybe that's why i'm single.

What he said is kind of true. It struck me pretty hard that maybe, i love the idea of being in love but i'm not actually ready for it yet. How...i let myself get taken and hurt for so long, for so hard. Maybe it is better if i live on my own without having to lean on a certain her. Then again i am everyday just doing well on my own, learning, laughing. I just wish that the right person would come along soon. I mean, i really hate waiting.

Saturday was an absolute disappointment. We went out to costa sands resort and planned a USS trip but due to really... Trivial things. Absolutely down and that led to yesterday which well, turned out so much better than i thought. I drew and drew and got a pikachu and a charizard ((proud)). Failed ashe and tried a cat and an owl... Well :3 productive in its way anyways.

Ice skating on tuesday, now i am really excited for that. I can't wait for Million Mask March, the attack of Anonymous on singapore. I'm curious what they can do and well...i'm out to support them :P

I wonder. Is that girl i met at the ice rink 'The One'? Or is this one girl i chose to make her wait until after my O's...the one? I don't know. All i feel is cold. Like a block of ice. It's so...dead inside here :( i feel so dark.

Ice cold sweet.

"i can see it in your eyes, that you just wanna cry"

Well...today was simply perfect. Play to ice skating. And there were SOOOO many pretty girls of all types there. The cute, the nerdy, chubby, well all you can think of. As i skid across the rink there was this one girl that caught my eye. Damnit should have asked for her name :( she was just outside and as i went past her she was looking at me with curiousity and... :P i waved at her and i can never forget her surprise there :B i swear i've never seen someone look so...well put it this way. I appreciate the flaws LOLOL. She was really cute!
And this hit me that...when you don't like anybody, no rules apply and you get to really play on the field. I was too stuck up with those rules i made that still got me unappreciated anyways so might aswell...have some fun!! I can say tonight i understand the meaning of 'flirting' :BB
Too bad i was too shy to ask for her name :/ i left the rink and met her again and she gave me a smile AHHHHH. >~< :(( curious me :P

It just hit me that after next week...i'll have no free time for myself, heck for anybody. I'll be working, taking exams, performing, volunteering. My gosh...i just wish that i had someone to support me in that time. I expect it to be tough. I expect it to be hard. I just wish there was someone with me...

I'm a human. I don't think i can survive in such an arid environment. Alone.