Heartbreak.

I remember the time, our families first met. We were no more than toddlers, curious about the world. All we to lose were the toys and the attention of our parents and when we cried, we would still be pacified.

I remember the time, we first entered the first grade. You looked so cute and shy, staring down from the world. How i stood up for you when you were bullied. How you never dared to speak up.

I remember the time, it was our first graduation. You broke down in front of me because you felt scared; all your friends parted ways. You rested your head on my chest as i calmed you down. You screamed to the world why, must things be so cruel.

I remember the time, you failed your first examination. I didn't do well either, but all i had in my mind was to cheer you up and make you forget about the pain. Cracking jokes so your tears were of joy and not of sadness. Because in my heart only you mattered.

I remember the time,your first breakup. You had to see the harsh ugly of man, how horrible a slash a boy can inflict on you. You were sobbing non stop and i will never forget how my beige shirt was ruined so badly, but most of all, how my heart broke.

I remember the time, you found the job of your dream. You were so happy and nothing made me happier. You jumped for joy at every step,the silly spring of a young girl. I swore that i would stay by you all your life to take care of you.

I remember the time, you were walking down the aisle in that beautiful gown with another man. I felt really jealous, but all you had for me was feelings of friends. I watched in all loneness, as you said that last 'yes' and the bond was made.

I remember the time, it was so many years after. Your two kids are crying by your cold, heavy body. Your pale face still had the lines of beauty i seen in you when we first met. By this time i was nearly blind, a starving and lone man that had waited all his life.

I remember the time, how everytime, i couldn't bear to tell you, "I love you".

Graduation, day 1

Graduation day one. Still remembered the eve of graduation, how i set the iron down to cleanse myself of any form of negativity, by letting it flow into and throughout my being. I finally came to terms that things will never be the same and will never be the way i want it to. I chose to give up this childish feeling of mine. I hate the backlash...it was exactly the same as the last person who made such an impact.

She gave me this feeling only one other person has ever done. A sense of deep connection and understanding, a curiousity to know the person that bit deeper and more every passing minute. Choosing to give up reset me into the time where i felt the first, and the worst heartbreak. All i wanted was in front of me, i had to turn and walk away. I wanted her to be happy, i wanted myself to be happy too but i couldnt stop wishing i could be the one to make her feel that way. I don't even understand why i would chose to scar myself again when i'm literally scared of falling in love again. In the end i still convinced myself that...she would be happier with someone else. Look at what happened to those who were close to me... I'm selfish. I don't get it. It's the second person i felt so strongly for after meeting them for barely a month.

Maybe this is my way of feeling that it would be for the best. For my best. Because when one keeps on giving, he gets taken advantaged of, trampled down, pinned and trashed. Only when he chooses to fight back for whats right...is when the hero i'm looking for is born. I'm sick of feeling hurt waiting for someone, angry over small matters, tired of being the other half who keeps on waiting.Because i'm looking for someone too that can offer the relief from my feelings the same way i pour them out over these alphabets, fixated into strange mutations as an expression. Simply, i needed someone who understands. Didn't make thigs better that graduation was the next day...

During the ceremony, all i felt were timgles on my heartstrings. I expected myself to be the first one to break down but not only did i not...i didn't feel anything. I don't know if that meant i was too used to feelings of separation, or i had really turned into the heartless freak i hated so much inside. It felt weird that the very next day, nobody cared if you had school. Nobody cared what happened to you and there and then, i swore all i wanted was a specific someone to just hug me and comfort me. The whole day. At least my brother came over to stay with me so atleast it wasnt too bad. I took out all my frustrations but here still remains the vestiges and seams of the shattered feelings. All of this can only be shown through words. So they say, the tongue is sharper than the sword where the evil of one word torments the life of one man.

Today was a huge waste of time and hope. Spent more time waiting than playing basketball, got stood up, had to wait and was even canceled without y knowledge. Today was simply horrible.

I'm trying to keep my past there... And taming my feelings. I don't need such a huge force to come out now. Not when i feel so vulnerable and alone. I'll be utterly consumed in my own flames.

Shall go soon.

Its twelve. I still have tuition but i cant sleep. This is the first time i felt this ..no, the second time. I'm feeling this absolute raw fear going through me. Things are changing again. Just when i finally felt safe...

I shouldnt have pushed you away. But i'm glad i did too so you wont have to handle this burden of me.

I don't want these people to go. I'm scared of feeling alone...

I'm drowning myself in love songs, but looking for someone to dedicate to.

Losing again.

It's a horrible repeat of last year. I'm losing sense of my feelings, time and reality again...and my feelings are ever more explosive and destructive. Just to add on...i started to reminisce. When my bro told me how you had another guy's arm around your shoulder, i swore i wanted to break down there and then.

My laugh feels really empty now. I don't even feel that satisfaction from laughing, i don't feel protected in the day anymore. My feelings burst forth anytime they seem fit and all i can really do is influence and hopefully it'll do the trick. I'm feeling more and more scared everyday that i feel so alone and there's nobody to really rely on, that somehow the dream will come true. 22 more days to the stated day of my death. I really hope it's the first dream to be wrong.

Losing control with every event that shakes me. I was traumatised and bruised. Scarred and hurt. I don't know how to, or even who to turn to... My emotions are more violent and affective. I didn't get my other disorders thank god but this is... I don't know. Everyday the image of a 20 storey building becomes clearer and clearer. I'm scared i won't be strong enough to fight then...

:(

O level results came out with a C6, distinction for oral. It sucked i swear. Call me jealous and insecure... It's like this. I got my results and i was really happy i passed. I looked around for people i could rejoice with but all around i saw...they were with someone else. They all had someone they preferred to be with more. I couldn't mourn either, because those i wanted to confide in were crying themselves. I swear that was the first time...i felt alone in such a crowded hall.

The person i wanted to shout it all out to, was happy with another group.

The people i wanted to cry with, had their own to mourn with.

The person i wanted to talk it out to, was crying herself.

The person i just wanted to hold and let go of everything, to tell her that i missed her and i wanted beside me the most,was happy with someone else.

The person i needed the most, wasn't even in singapore.

I've never felt so selfish and bitter before... Like the clique. I felt like i wanted them all for myself, all for my entertainment. I never felt so confused too... I didn't even know if i should feel happy or down. All i remember was numb. Re-evaluated and...i didn't end up good either. All i recall is a nmemonic mess.

I want to focus on my exams and end it that way. I don't want emotions blocking me forever and always as if... I don't want them anymore. They change so quickly i get scared myself...and the higher the stress the more volatile i become. I don't want a relationship, someone to think of anymore or i'll end up a permanant patient.

One thing never changes. I still look for someone i can truly rely on... After numerous trust issues, prejudices and fears... I need a miracle or an idiot.

I get scared too.

Hello august~

Talk about annoyed i swear.

I can't control my feelings as well as other people do. In fact, i'm starting to learn how to only direct it and not even use is intricately. Imagine what that vastness of emotional power can bring to me.



But this morning, don't know why don't know how, i woke up with a revalation in a dream. Kept dreaming of me learning how to fly an airplane. I guess i could interpret it as, i have to learn to fly, where to go and what to find. Realised how i've been just floating around, just being that thing that lets the waves flow me around. I found myself seriously, seriously sick of that. I'm gonna start putting things back into place.

First starts with the romances and finding a partner. I've been the sympathising one so many times. I dream of finding someone, who can be my listening ear, the person that could gain my trust and be my support. Kindness would be a bonus, looks would be surplus. I surprised myself too. I haven't stopped mourning since a year ago. I actually still miss you but i'm glad that at least you're happy with him. Seeing your sweet smile is just so heartwarming i guess... At the least i finally felt like i woke up for real. It's about time i start fighting for someone i want, instead of trying to be that someone people wants. I'm sick and tired of things the way they are. I give everything i have now to have a fresh start. Restart. Down to as if i never had a crush recently. I'll take the first move now. I've given up.

Next is well...life. I gotta stop letting things slide so freely. So much frustrations built up because of that and now...disgust to disdain. Hurt to anger. Frustrations to change. Need that thing to rely on because i know how weak i can get, how stubborn i can be, how sharp i can speak, how...deadly i can become. In a sense, i need someone to steer me in the right direction once. I feel like giving everything up. Feel like shit. Basketball, guitar and dance still manage to take all that off my mind for awhile. Just for awhile. I'l show you the setbacks from the disorders. One of which includes ridiculous speeds in changing feelings. Then comes the trust issues i have. Kinda no surprise i'm such a bore and chore.

And then...the chinese 7th month started. Yesterday in class i heard the dreadful gate scrap on rough floor...the opening of the gates. Whole of yesterday bugged by problems and little hickups, and even today i kept feeling ice water splashed onto my back when there really was nothing. It became a little creepy when i was shoved, and i was alone. Better than some people at least...

I don't know. All i know is this week will be really challenging, and this month is gonna suck soooooo bad.

Cherish.

Her hair was pressed to her face at every angle, clumped together and wet by very man who she thought she could trust , and yet all he could muster was,Cecelia, i'm sorry.

Her world broke apart in that very instant he said, we can't be together. She'd never remember herself feeling so down before. Here was her first taste of the bitter separation, like a slab of marble slammed home into her heart, splashing a brlliance of nervous sensations all over her body. She had just felt insecure that the guy she'd been dreaming of for so long, the one who said needed her, was really turning away from her. Her body felt hot from the tears and her frustrations made her want to smash everything around her. Through the wet hair she stares at the man before her, sore hurt turned to fiery anger, wild emotions channeled into distilled hatred. But truly she was not able to see the big picture.

He turned to walk away, a slow waltz frozen in time. Every step felt like eternity, every step another stab into her shattered heart.

On the other side of the street where he strides, he fell breathless gathering a crowd of curious onlookers.

A day. A week. A month. Time flew slowly for the lady, who'd never understood the six degrees of separation. She felt better everyday, a cruel restructure of her remnants. She'd found another man, another guy that would die to be with her. This boy understood that only feelings were needed in a relationship. Someone that only understood that much. She never felt happy with him and everytime she was down, her mind wanders back to that irreplaceable person, the one that taught her happiness and made her feel at ease for the first time around anybody.

"Ring"

Her phone lit up, with only one sentence from him.
"Goodbye, i'll see you. I miss you so badly..."
Throwing her phone down, she retired to her room to cool down but the more she taught about that particular message, the more...curious she got. She texted her best friend. And all she got in reply was,
"You were too late. He's gone yesterday"

She ran to the hospital. Covered in sweat Cecelia slammed the ward doors open and was greeted with a sight. Mikael was covered in the dreaded white shroud. For the second time in months she felt that delicate heart breaking that she had to stand the sight of him lying motionless knowing he would never sit up again. The doctor came in and told her, "he was already having heart disease for so long." and passed a note to her. It read in such beautiful italics...

"I don't know when you'll get to read this, or if you ever will. I had my reasons and if you get to read this, you'll understand. I'm really sorry. I miss you badly... I can't wait to see you again. I love you"


Cecelia broke up with John. She knew that even if she could find a man that made her happy, it'll never be the same again. It'll never replace that one man that could bring her happiness.