Esa asked me a very valid question. I never expected that to come from her. Well, her being so innocent..
'Why do teenagers care so much about their looks?'
To impress and/or express is just a shallow reason. To hide certain insecurities may be a more tangible reason. I don't know, i know i do because of insecurities. But then again...she will learn of it herself and who knows one day she'll think back and ask herself the same question?
It seems their family all has dined at Ma Maison before.
Today seemed to be so bloody damn busy. What of tomorrow... My god. I really, really hope tomorrowis just full house without a queue outside. Ican't handle that much pressure while being in the state i am. Goddamned sick, and as the day progressed my nausea grew until now i can barely finish a full meal. I still have so much in medication take. I don't know what will happen to me ahh but still because i'm a 'guy'. I need someone to take care of me too...
And i know i'm gonna need it more than ever. I'm slowly recovering my emotions and that kind of means... Losing myself in that ridiculous cycle, fighting him, fighting myself.
I think i shall write one extra note in my notes. It's to those people who i have everything to say to but i don't think i'll ever have the courage to tell them these. To only the most important people i guess...
Monday, 23 December 2013
Sunday, 22 December 2013
Loveless
"What if one day, the person you knew for so long, the valor of his spirit dulls into a dim grey and his heart rots, blackening in pity and pain and all you could do is watch?"
Humans are...selfish. I've spent so much time reflecting and all the eulogy i could muster is... Selfish. By nature, survival is of utmost priority. By instinct, Strong is the essence of life.
They ask, 'Why do people change so easily?' At birth we learn to avoid things that can harm us, can hurt us. We change to adapt to that, to protect ourselves. Later on in life that change, even if it be trivial will still take on a huge impact in his surroundings. For example. When one has been...that badly hurt in love. He might take all precaution to make sure he never hurts that way again closing himself in unconsciously to the point his extinguishes his own feelings. And he hurts, and it repeats. And it happens to the point its just pitiable. He numbs. Even worse would be to see that he is not hurt he turns the blade on those around him. I must say...those affected heavily by emotions are largely unagreeable creatures.
Not just in love. In friendship, in work, in...anything. Well...that's a might. I still don't understand how some can help and not ask for anything in return. To be so kind to everything just escapes me and dazzles me. I mean, i have huge expectations of others. At least those close to me and those who are not...i'm starting to not even care about them.
I'm not any better there. I struggle and hurt for the things i want, the people i need. It's been awhile since i felt any kind of reminiscence or belonging. I think i like it quiet in my heart. No ravaging feelings. No destructive thoughts. No...love to worry about. Loveless is quite and interesing state to be in...Because here. I don't need anyone. I'm pretty convinced there is nobody who is worth my effort.
Humans are...selfish. I've spent so much time reflecting and all the eulogy i could muster is... Selfish. By nature, survival is of utmost priority. By instinct, Strong is the essence of life.
They ask, 'Why do people change so easily?' At birth we learn to avoid things that can harm us, can hurt us. We change to adapt to that, to protect ourselves. Later on in life that change, even if it be trivial will still take on a huge impact in his surroundings. For example. When one has been...that badly hurt in love. He might take all precaution to make sure he never hurts that way again closing himself in unconsciously to the point his extinguishes his own feelings. And he hurts, and it repeats. And it happens to the point its just pitiable. He numbs. Even worse would be to see that he is not hurt he turns the blade on those around him. I must say...those affected heavily by emotions are largely unagreeable creatures.
Not just in love. In friendship, in work, in...anything. Well...that's a might. I still don't understand how some can help and not ask for anything in return. To be so kind to everything just escapes me and dazzles me. I mean, i have huge expectations of others. At least those close to me and those who are not...i'm starting to not even care about them.
I'm not any better there. I struggle and hurt for the things i want, the people i need. It's been awhile since i felt any kind of reminiscence or belonging. I think i like it quiet in my heart. No ravaging feelings. No destructive thoughts. No...love to worry about. Loveless is quite and interesing state to be in...Because here. I don't need anyone. I'm pretty convinced there is nobody who is worth my effort.
Saturday, 21 December 2013
It's almost time yeah...
It's been about a year now. And somehow, my prayers has been answered. Bit by bit i start to feel again, start to see the warmth of being around people, start to open up to people. I look back and realise the psychopathic path i took...and i still go down that road. But slowly i deviate to become what i hope to be, normal. I'm slowly losing all those abilities that come along with psychopathism. I just hope that... I'll find myself content one day.
The past few days has been a mess. I took more time off and found myself thinking of the past, the people i hurt in order to find myself. A chameleon i once prided myself as, a narcisist. I still am that can never change as long as he exists but now i see myself clearer. It's scary how i see myself in my mind's eye, a dark and light half.
Okay back to work. To be honest working in an all-girls environment isn't too bad :P it is quite fun and hey i get to see another perspective of life. And now that xin hui is back i'm still super curious to see who she is becos everyday i see her commendation letter there and in that sense i admired her so... :P i dont know. Curiousity kills the cat they say? Then naru is also working here. HAHAHAHA i wanna see how she does HAHAHAHA okay horrible me :/ kinda scared for her. She might not be able to hold the plates and bowls i mean hey i got scalded and burnt and hell i couldn't let go. What more her._. blehhh tomorrow and monday's gonna be so long. Especially monday wth is this 20 pax reservation thats almost the whole goddamn place ahhh i'm kinda scared to do so many people. I hope lunch shift HAHA I'm only coming in at night~ so HOPEFULLY i get to slacken off :P
Just... I don't know. It hurts somehow to see her hurting. Just gotta let her know that no matter what i will always be ready to lend a listening ear and a supportive shoulder. Even if...
The past few days has been a mess. I took more time off and found myself thinking of the past, the people i hurt in order to find myself. A chameleon i once prided myself as, a narcisist. I still am that can never change as long as he exists but now i see myself clearer. It's scary how i see myself in my mind's eye, a dark and light half.
Okay back to work. To be honest working in an all-girls environment isn't too bad :P it is quite fun and hey i get to see another perspective of life. And now that xin hui is back i'm still super curious to see who she is becos everyday i see her commendation letter there and in that sense i admired her so... :P i dont know. Curiousity kills the cat they say? Then naru is also working here. HAHAHAHA i wanna see how she does HAHAHAHA okay horrible me :/ kinda scared for her. She might not be able to hold the plates and bowls i mean hey i got scalded and burnt and hell i couldn't let go. What more her._. blehhh tomorrow and monday's gonna be so long. Especially monday wth is this 20 pax reservation thats almost the whole goddamn place ahhh i'm kinda scared to do so many people. I hope lunch shift HAHA I'm only coming in at night~ so HOPEFULLY i get to slacken off :P
Just... I don't know. It hurts somehow to see her hurting. Just gotta let her know that no matter what i will always be ready to lend a listening ear and a supportive shoulder. Even if...
Monday, 16 December 2013
Silence.
I am quite an intuitive person. Is that the right word? I go around learning by feeling my way around. Complemented by hearing and sight but as the years went by my shell hardened and i became less and less sensitive and through all the pain and rubbish i wreathed upon myself i finally reach this stage. My head feels like it's in the clouds and my hearts frozen in ice. My brain always struggling for control and my mind in a daze. I guess from young i made my sole objective to find love and when i lose it i lose everything i held dear and i still have no idea how to reverse something built in from young. I don't bash myself over mistakes i made in the past anymore like i used to (Whew) but when i think back sometimes it's just this flame. It looks warm but truly is the embodiement of the harshest, bitter cold. Coldfire they say, an icy flame. The past doesn't mean as much. The future doesn't either. For now i just wanna focus on what comes my way but i know this that should the past present another chance i would die taking it.
Working at Ma Maison forced me to see that sometimes, humility and diplomacy is the key to easing a nasty person. Sometimes tact and cunning, sometimes just a smile. It made me take my mind off all the stuff and because i almost permanantly have something to think about i get used to living alone. It's really lonely like deep and dark and nobody can hear your cries. Everybody has their story and problem to handle and who is really there to listen? If you're lucky, just one is enough.
I can't wait for RGS to reply. I can'twait to train. My arms are seriously itching to hold a rifle and start tossing all over again. Ahhh...i'm weird like that.
Working at Ma Maison forced me to see that sometimes, humility and diplomacy is the key to easing a nasty person. Sometimes tact and cunning, sometimes just a smile. It made me take my mind off all the stuff and because i almost permanantly have something to think about i get used to living alone. It's really lonely like deep and dark and nobody can hear your cries. Everybody has their story and problem to handle and who is really there to listen? If you're lucky, just one is enough.
I can't wait for RGS to reply. I can'twait to train. My arms are seriously itching to hold a rifle and start tossing all over again. Ahhh...i'm weird like that.
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
PDS BI camp 9-11 dec
And that marks the end of the three day course. The simple three days, to relief of most has come and gone. I still remember the first day, so many had that blur face like they didnt even know how to fall in properly and respond properly. I am surprised for this year because of the presence of SSC and the number of AI's. But hey still under my school :P. And probably also the fact there were girls. Like whut...
First three days were planned to learn the basic 10 drills. The course split into 3 to learn and i tool the weakest for private lessons. Happened to be all from peirce =.= ahhh. Even under me i headache over them sia but managed to squeeze out a 8/10 drills for the day. The pt left many cramping and hurting and one cadet almost crying even. That guy was pretty weak physically so...
It was tiring. Slept the minute i hit the bed :P
Second day ah. Every drill was mastered as a course then split up into the groups to practice. Ah here i slacked a bit more :P took more chances to sit and rest becos of my splitting headache :/ nothing much, ended with pt as usual.
The same few slow people were slow as usual but caught up. And the worst ting about day 2 is having them FORGET the drills and needing to reteach them. That can be really annoying sometimes. By now the course somewhat knows each othernalready. I dont think i noticed any especially outstanding cadets here... Since most of them were struggling with the tougher drills.
Third day. Practice started at what, 7.30? Till almost 11. Every cadet was stressed and suddenly had questions for me since i was revision IC. By now everybody was hurting somewhere. Batch by batch they were sent off for examination. Can never forget our scare, those who got their food failed. Well the whole course got it HAHAHA. I can't forget this one cadet either. She was unlucky to get Marcus as an examiner then i think she felt she didnt do well so after the test she looked like she was about to cry. Ahh how my heart went out to her. At the holding area for those who just done their test i tried my best to lighten the mood to cheer them up. Then just to add on we split the course into 5 sections. By here some were scared enough to shake in their boots AHHHAHAHAHA okay its quite funny to see that. I believe section 4 &5 knew they were safe because thy trained apart from the rest. They scored the best of the course. Then another batch came in. I gave them a harder scare because well...i look fierce(?) it is funny when i told them they pass and one idiot went HHAAAAAAH =.= ahh. Tried to teach the course some other drills and RGS cadets the spins. Ah looks like i might go down to help them sometime soon~ HAHA. Still there were about 8/44 who failed but they will have their chance again. In the end i told them this quote.
You can choose to see failure as a label of yourself as shit, or as a banner of encouragement. I think most of them took the latter. I swear where else would i look for this kind of bond except in NCC. That's why i'm proud to be in NCC.
First three days were planned to learn the basic 10 drills. The course split into 3 to learn and i tool the weakest for private lessons. Happened to be all from peirce =.= ahhh. Even under me i headache over them sia but managed to squeeze out a 8/10 drills for the day. The pt left many cramping and hurting and one cadet almost crying even. That guy was pretty weak physically so...
It was tiring. Slept the minute i hit the bed :P
Second day ah. Every drill was mastered as a course then split up into the groups to practice. Ah here i slacked a bit more :P took more chances to sit and rest becos of my splitting headache :/ nothing much, ended with pt as usual.
The same few slow people were slow as usual but caught up. And the worst ting about day 2 is having them FORGET the drills and needing to reteach them. That can be really annoying sometimes. By now the course somewhat knows each othernalready. I dont think i noticed any especially outstanding cadets here... Since most of them were struggling with the tougher drills.
Third day. Practice started at what, 7.30? Till almost 11. Every cadet was stressed and suddenly had questions for me since i was revision IC. By now everybody was hurting somewhere. Batch by batch they were sent off for examination. Can never forget our scare, those who got their food failed. Well the whole course got it HAHAHA. I can't forget this one cadet either. She was unlucky to get Marcus as an examiner then i think she felt she didnt do well so after the test she looked like she was about to cry. Ahh how my heart went out to her. At the holding area for those who just done their test i tried my best to lighten the mood to cheer them up. Then just to add on we split the course into 5 sections. By here some were scared enough to shake in their boots AHHHAHAHAHA okay its quite funny to see that. I believe section 4 &5 knew they were safe because thy trained apart from the rest. They scored the best of the course. Then another batch came in. I gave them a harder scare because well...i look fierce(?) it is funny when i told them they pass and one idiot went HHAAAAAAH =.= ahh. Tried to teach the course some other drills and RGS cadets the spins. Ah looks like i might go down to help them sometime soon~ HAHA. Still there were about 8/44 who failed but they will have their chance again. In the end i told them this quote.
You can choose to see failure as a label of yourself as shit, or as a banner of encouragement. I think most of them took the latter. I swear where else would i look for this kind of bond except in NCC. That's why i'm proud to be in NCC.
Sunday, 1 December 2013
Work week 2 la
Word by word that appeared in my head during work.
You'd see her smiling, bright laughter and sweet cheers out with her friends. She feels more confident and brave around her friends and that air radiates around her. Once she gets home and the room to her door closes her demons crawls out from every shadow. Her image of herself in the mirror contorts and every flaw she sees becomes bigger. Every insult she has heard floats around in her head. Every inch of skin not taut on her body she finds fat. She has nobody in her family to really tell all of these to and every last mistake she made infront of others. She asks herself why. She cries alone at night. Maybe all she just needs is someone to confide to.
He seems just quiet and the type that rarely talks. He always looks down on the ground as he walks. He feels so scared after what he's been put through. He slowly crumbles as he immerses himself in work, letting his emotions freeze. He smiles at all the passing remarks and hurtful inconsiderates, keeping it all in, always faking a smile. It's about time he really has somebody to love now...
Watching this show is just making me cry and crushing my mood even more. It's making me think of the past. I...wish i could get a nice hug now.
You'd see her smiling, bright laughter and sweet cheers out with her friends. She feels more confident and brave around her friends and that air radiates around her. Once she gets home and the room to her door closes her demons crawls out from every shadow. Her image of herself in the mirror contorts and every flaw she sees becomes bigger. Every insult she has heard floats around in her head. Every inch of skin not taut on her body she finds fat. She has nobody in her family to really tell all of these to and every last mistake she made infront of others. She asks herself why. She cries alone at night. Maybe all she just needs is someone to confide to.
He seems just quiet and the type that rarely talks. He always looks down on the ground as he walks. He feels so scared after what he's been put through. He slowly crumbles as he immerses himself in work, letting his emotions freeze. He smiles at all the passing remarks and hurtful inconsiderates, keeping it all in, always faking a smile. It's about time he really has somebody to love now...
Watching this show is just making me cry and crushing my mood even more. It's making me think of the past. I...wish i could get a nice hug now.
Wedding performance.
Left Furama Riverfront hotel with a sore body urgh. I feel today i performed better than i expected of myself, my hits and tricks so much bigger than usual. We even got interested clients offering us performances!! I got a second job as a performer!! The newly-weds looked so sweet today gosh. It made me daydream a little(?) yeah HAHAHA that was an amazing evening.
As i immerse myself in work i find myself less and less affected by emotions. I hope that soon enough i won't feel anymore negativity and from all the smiling on work i might actually be happy. Feel happy at the least. I still feel down over her but somewhere deep down... I don't understand this. I've decided to wait. I can be such an idiot but i just want to. Unless i can meet someone along the way that is that...moving to me. Yeah...i'll immerse myself again.
So like today was amazing. For the first time i felt so amazing being alone and i think this could be addictive. Knowing me though...my mindset never stays for some things. Tomorrow i might mourn for someone again, the next i might cheer for another's disappearance. I'll leave it to tomorrow and keep fighting for tomorrow while keeping the memories of yesterday. I need to mature.
As i immerse myself in work i find myself less and less affected by emotions. I hope that soon enough i won't feel anymore negativity and from all the smiling on work i might actually be happy. Feel happy at the least. I still feel down over her but somewhere deep down... I don't understand this. I've decided to wait. I can be such an idiot but i just want to. Unless i can meet someone along the way that is that...moving to me. Yeah...i'll immerse myself again.
So like today was amazing. For the first time i felt so amazing being alone and i think this could be addictive. Knowing me though...my mindset never stays for some things. Tomorrow i might mourn for someone again, the next i might cheer for another's disappearance. I'll leave it to tomorrow and keep fighting for tomorrow while keeping the memories of yesterday. I need to mature.
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