Today is a day where every person i tried so hard to forget in my shameful past appears again, one by one. Today happens to be a day i'm too tired to have my guard up.
Today is also the day i realise; my feelings for her are real. And today i realised it's just me.
Friday, 28 March 2014
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Dreams and realities
"Would you be the savior of the broken, beaten and the damned?"
It's been real long since i bared my heart to another person. Glad it's that way though. Rant rant, i prefer to bounce it off a wall when i'm annoyed and a person when i'm really, really down. But now i'm both down and annoyed so... I feel like a mess i guess. So first of all. PDS competition is in how many days? I've already lost track of time and days passed so effortlessly. I'm honestly really worried about the teams but i'm dead tired too. Not physically. My mind doesn't feel sharp like it used to, my body isn't fresh like it was. But it's a commitment and a commitment to the end. This is a hectic week. POP trainings are coming in too. I can't sleep early. I can't get proper rest and meals and somehow this is how i like things to be. And even so i still feel i'm not doing enough for the teams especially on the RG side. It's their first and i want them to do well. I can't bear to be strict and i think that's my biggest flaw. Urgh... Plus i've got a bad hand injury. Man i really feel like shit for this. I think people can tell by the mood this is progressing. All over the place...
Disappointed. Where should i start with this... First is my brother. Then there is me. So starting with him. I'm lucky if he's two hours late. Am i too lenient to wait for two fucking hours? I don't know. You can ignore every fucking thing i send but answer my whatsapp. WHAT FUCKING LOGIC IS THIS?
Then it comes back to me. I don't know why i have this tendency to be kind of motherly to people. It cost me alot now. Being nice to people is one thing. I don't even mind if they don't return the favour. All i ask is that you can smile again after. A small request, a tall order. I guess somewhere along the way i became supersensitized to emotions. Everyday is either heaven or hell depending on the mood of the people around me and recently it's been shiftin over to hell. I'm real tired. I guess even i need a haven.
Then worst of all. I knew she didn't do well and she was down and i was around her the whole time i was back in peirce and i swear. That feelinf fucking sucks. I really, really wanted to just hug her and tell her like yaknw things can be done better next time but i know how she sees me as and i know its better to keep things as friends. But it hurts real bad to only be watching and doing nothing else. It's not like we talk often. It's not even that we're close. Ugh... It's been the third month already this quiet feeling's been nibbling at me. Man...
"The way i see it, you can make your emotions your biggest asset or your biggest burden"
I learnt how to use emotions as a motivator. Took shit out of me to do that and i guess it's a big, big jump for me. When things are going crazy. My emotions will be put to good use but this time it's a little tough for me to. My eues are losing focus of the road in front and my legs are growing weaker with every step. I can only wish that maybe a miracle can occur and she'll accept me. I got my dreams too.
I've forgotten the feeling of needing someone and missing someone already. Since i told myself that i would never feel that way for another girl again. You're something to make me remember it and while it's not strong i hope it doesn't rule my head later on.
It's been real long since i bared my heart to another person. Glad it's that way though. Rant rant, i prefer to bounce it off a wall when i'm annoyed and a person when i'm really, really down. But now i'm both down and annoyed so... I feel like a mess i guess. So first of all. PDS competition is in how many days? I've already lost track of time and days passed so effortlessly. I'm honestly really worried about the teams but i'm dead tired too. Not physically. My mind doesn't feel sharp like it used to, my body isn't fresh like it was. But it's a commitment and a commitment to the end. This is a hectic week. POP trainings are coming in too. I can't sleep early. I can't get proper rest and meals and somehow this is how i like things to be. And even so i still feel i'm not doing enough for the teams especially on the RG side. It's their first and i want them to do well. I can't bear to be strict and i think that's my biggest flaw. Urgh... Plus i've got a bad hand injury. Man i really feel like shit for this. I think people can tell by the mood this is progressing. All over the place...
Disappointed. Where should i start with this... First is my brother. Then there is me. So starting with him. I'm lucky if he's two hours late. Am i too lenient to wait for two fucking hours? I don't know. You can ignore every fucking thing i send but answer my whatsapp. WHAT FUCKING LOGIC IS THIS?
Then it comes back to me. I don't know why i have this tendency to be kind of motherly to people. It cost me alot now. Being nice to people is one thing. I don't even mind if they don't return the favour. All i ask is that you can smile again after. A small request, a tall order. I guess somewhere along the way i became supersensitized to emotions. Everyday is either heaven or hell depending on the mood of the people around me and recently it's been shiftin over to hell. I'm real tired. I guess even i need a haven.
Then worst of all. I knew she didn't do well and she was down and i was around her the whole time i was back in peirce and i swear. That feelinf fucking sucks. I really, really wanted to just hug her and tell her like yaknw things can be done better next time but i know how she sees me as and i know its better to keep things as friends. But it hurts real bad to only be watching and doing nothing else. It's not like we talk often. It's not even that we're close. Ugh... It's been the third month already this quiet feeling's been nibbling at me. Man...
"The way i see it, you can make your emotions your biggest asset or your biggest burden"
I learnt how to use emotions as a motivator. Took shit out of me to do that and i guess it's a big, big jump for me. When things are going crazy. My emotions will be put to good use but this time it's a little tough for me to. My eues are losing focus of the road in front and my legs are growing weaker with every step. I can only wish that maybe a miracle can occur and she'll accept me. I got my dreams too.
I've forgotten the feeling of needing someone and missing someone already. Since i told myself that i would never feel that way for another girl again. You're something to make me remember it and while it's not strong i hope it doesn't rule my head later on.
Saturday, 22 March 2014
Only one chance.
Only one chance.
"The glittery bright eyes of a 6 year old, the innocence of youth betrayed by his light laughter and reflected off his smoke blue pupils, set in a face of a sharp nose and vanilla-scented cheeks virgin of malice stained tears, looked up to a bent and reserved old man in his safari grey cap, eyes kept all his fiery passion, just dimmed by years of experience ,having turned into grooves of deep wrinkles clawing explicit words into his smooth, untouched tanned skin. A gentle warmth emanating from his very emarald eyes, showing all restraint to his knowledge and cunningness, yet fear spilling from a single scar trailing from his left eye to his right cheek, a story of a tale went wrong written in a single line to be kept there for as long as he would live to tell that tale...
The child spoke in utter brightness, 'Grandfather! Our teacher asked this in class today!' The man simply gave his sweetest smile. 'What is the meaning to life?'
"Why, that's a tough one son! Alright...let me explain alright kiddo!"
Trying to explain life to a kid is like trying to tell a monkey to solve a rubik's cube... You get the point. An hour, two, three and yet the child was puzzled. He couldn't understand the complexities, the corruption, the PAIN involved. The madness of a place man knew as the world. He knew pain, the kind that hurt him on the skin but not that which keeps a man up crying all night, yearning to regain all he has lost. Not the kind that would keep a woman wondering whether she was good enough.For to be born was a pain in itself, everything and every action would hurt someone else. This world was far too great, its greed so insatiable that even angels would sigh and Gods had no resolve for such a twisted world, let alone for a young mind to even begin to comprehend. Atlas against a mere grain of rice.
So instead this old man told the little boy. He bent down and whispered into his ear :" You know what Lennon? I'll leave it in a note, you'll understand it when you're old enough. Okay?" Okay!
The note was written, and the moment the final letter was penned grandfather had breathed his last. It was weird. The first time looking at my grandfather, and everybody was telling me he would not wake up again. I couldn't grasp this reality that my most favourite family was, gone. My mother hid and sealed it away in an intricate gold box on the attic to be discovered again... But i never understood why she was crying when she read the letter.
*Creeeeeakkk*
A yellowed parchment was placed on the table, crusted with age as the paper rots away but never a single word, for unfurling the paper revealed a handwriting of raven ink, set in the most beautiful of old English inscripted into the paper. One, single paragraph titled, "To my grandchild..."
"This will be years before you read, and maybe even begin to understand a single word in here. Tsk, you were such a young, fine kid... Alright. Now you're but a toddler with no idea of this world. Let me just tell you a little more, of what you will go through as you grow older and wiser alright lad? Middle school. You'll start having feelings, you think you've met the person that you will spend forever with. All that until that person tells you, its over. You'll have your first heartbreak. It's gonna hurt really bad, so you have to prepare yourself. You might even torture yourself to get that person back... And say that you'll never fall in love again. You'll meet much action and drama, people talk behind your back, curse and swear but you choose to stand up or fall back. Long nights of decision, regret and worries, everything crashes down and you just have to cry. Don't worry, it's normal. I've been there too! Teachers and your parents will pressure you for academics, friends will for glam and fashion. You'll feel all alone like no one understands and everyone is looking at you with those eyes. You're suddenly now in College. You spend nights wondering what you should do next time and days wishing you've donw better in the past. Your emotions whirl you round when you see that special person, pain or joy.Then suddenly, you've graduated.
You're out there fighting for a spot in life to survive. Everyday, you eat someone else and someone does it. It's a dog eat dog world out there, backstabbing is but the norm. You're gonna work your so hard that you will lose so many days of sleep that you don't want to ever work another day in your life anymore. Everybody just wants to live. You're gonna meet a girl that is worth your time and you'll chase her. 30 years flies by and you're doing your last day o work, it's time for retirement. You take life easy but your children may not choose to stay with you. It's their choice, no matter. Now you have all the wealth you need, and the most virtuous and patient woman by your side. Life is perfect... Until the last day. You are too weak to stand, to even sit up. Everybody is crying and you can't do a thing about it...your breaths are numbered, they get shallower and shallower, the world becomes a little dimmer more, and fades. It's like falling asleep...but only you never wake up again. I want you to live a life where people will see you go, smiling as they tear. For you were such a great man, ever flowing with goodness and kindness, and not remembered as the stingy of myself. Get that lad? Life will pass by you fast, you only have one, chance. Take that chance, and make the amendments of my lost time. That is life. I only feel regretful that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live so when you join me here, tell me about yours okay?"
"Yes grandfather...now i understand what you meant so many decades ago..."
Lennon thought as he glanced at his son, playing with a toy plane in the corner, the same glitter in his eyes so many years ago.
"Now john...it will be your turn to read this soon"
Maybe if you tried to take a different perspective it would be enough to change the way you looked at life...
"The glittery bright eyes of a 6 year old, the innocence of youth betrayed by his light laughter and reflected off his smoke blue pupils, set in a face of a sharp nose and vanilla-scented cheeks virgin of malice stained tears, looked up to a bent and reserved old man in his safari grey cap, eyes kept all his fiery passion, just dimmed by years of experience ,having turned into grooves of deep wrinkles clawing explicit words into his smooth, untouched tanned skin. A gentle warmth emanating from his very emarald eyes, showing all restraint to his knowledge and cunningness, yet fear spilling from a single scar trailing from his left eye to his right cheek, a story of a tale went wrong written in a single line to be kept there for as long as he would live to tell that tale...
The child spoke in utter brightness, 'Grandfather! Our teacher asked this in class today!' The man simply gave his sweetest smile. 'What is the meaning to life?'
"Why, that's a tough one son! Alright...let me explain alright kiddo!"
Trying to explain life to a kid is like trying to tell a monkey to solve a rubik's cube... You get the point. An hour, two, three and yet the child was puzzled. He couldn't understand the complexities, the corruption, the PAIN involved. The madness of a place man knew as the world. He knew pain, the kind that hurt him on the skin but not that which keeps a man up crying all night, yearning to regain all he has lost. Not the kind that would keep a woman wondering whether she was good enough.For to be born was a pain in itself, everything and every action would hurt someone else. This world was far too great, its greed so insatiable that even angels would sigh and Gods had no resolve for such a twisted world, let alone for a young mind to even begin to comprehend. Atlas against a mere grain of rice.
So instead this old man told the little boy. He bent down and whispered into his ear :" You know what Lennon? I'll leave it in a note, you'll understand it when you're old enough. Okay?" Okay!
The note was written, and the moment the final letter was penned grandfather had breathed his last. It was weird. The first time looking at my grandfather, and everybody was telling me he would not wake up again. I couldn't grasp this reality that my most favourite family was, gone. My mother hid and sealed it away in an intricate gold box on the attic to be discovered again... But i never understood why she was crying when she read the letter.
*Creeeeeakkk*
A yellowed parchment was placed on the table, crusted with age as the paper rots away but never a single word, for unfurling the paper revealed a handwriting of raven ink, set in the most beautiful of old English inscripted into the paper. One, single paragraph titled, "To my grandchild..."
"This will be years before you read, and maybe even begin to understand a single word in here. Tsk, you were such a young, fine kid... Alright. Now you're but a toddler with no idea of this world. Let me just tell you a little more, of what you will go through as you grow older and wiser alright lad? Middle school. You'll start having feelings, you think you've met the person that you will spend forever with. All that until that person tells you, its over. You'll have your first heartbreak. It's gonna hurt really bad, so you have to prepare yourself. You might even torture yourself to get that person back... And say that you'll never fall in love again. You'll meet much action and drama, people talk behind your back, curse and swear but you choose to stand up or fall back. Long nights of decision, regret and worries, everything crashes down and you just have to cry. Don't worry, it's normal. I've been there too! Teachers and your parents will pressure you for academics, friends will for glam and fashion. You'll feel all alone like no one understands and everyone is looking at you with those eyes. You're suddenly now in College. You spend nights wondering what you should do next time and days wishing you've donw better in the past. Your emotions whirl you round when you see that special person, pain or joy.Then suddenly, you've graduated.
You're out there fighting for a spot in life to survive. Everyday, you eat someone else and someone does it. It's a dog eat dog world out there, backstabbing is but the norm. You're gonna work your so hard that you will lose so many days of sleep that you don't want to ever work another day in your life anymore. Everybody just wants to live. You're gonna meet a girl that is worth your time and you'll chase her. 30 years flies by and you're doing your last day o work, it's time for retirement. You take life easy but your children may not choose to stay with you. It's their choice, no matter. Now you have all the wealth you need, and the most virtuous and patient woman by your side. Life is perfect... Until the last day. You are too weak to stand, to even sit up. Everybody is crying and you can't do a thing about it...your breaths are numbered, they get shallower and shallower, the world becomes a little dimmer more, and fades. It's like falling asleep...but only you never wake up again. I want you to live a life where people will see you go, smiling as they tear. For you were such a great man, ever flowing with goodness and kindness, and not remembered as the stingy of myself. Get that lad? Life will pass by you fast, you only have one, chance. Take that chance, and make the amendments of my lost time. That is life. I only feel regretful that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live so when you join me here, tell me about yours okay?"
"Yes grandfather...now i understand what you meant so many decades ago..."
Lennon thought as he glanced at his son, playing with a toy plane in the corner, the same glitter in his eyes so many years ago.
"Now john...it will be your turn to read this soon"
Maybe if you tried to take a different perspective it would be enough to change the way you looked at life...
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Gone
Somehow i really hate to see scars. Especially those on the wrist/arms/ ankle cus i get really edgy. It reminds me of the promise i made long ago; i don't think i'm supposed to forget it so soon. And every time i see another scar i get this strange urge to hug the person and tell the person that things will be okay. Cus i can literally feel that pain. My heart really aches and my emotions go haywire and i remember something i swore back then, that i'd never want another person to feel the same way i did ever again if i could do something to help.
Maybe that's why i keep trying to make another person smile again maybe that's why i try so damn hard only to get nothing in return. Maybe i've tried too long and too hard. I'm real tired and real frustrated i'm goddamn sick of being the middle person, always being the mediator and speaking up for others for their mistakes. What do i have? I get ridiculed. I get pitied. I hope i wont explode because if i do this time it will be really ugly. My last one destroyed me. I think this one will take someones face way down the drain.
I think i'm only snapping like this because of the things i've seen today. PDS today started harsh but throughout there was teasing and the air was light. But this subconscious of mine had somehow picked up that everyone was finding success with their girl and i'm the only one too scared to make a move. I guess it struck me a little too hard that maybe i'm not the right person anyway. Then i had to come between a 3-way complication somehow that has me unknowingly involved. Then later in the evening i watched this show which shows how a man needed to choose between his love and his emperor. Here's the ultimatum.
If he stays in the palace, he loses the girl and instead needs to stay with another girl he absolutely hates to the core. If he leaves, the whole team must die by the sword of the emperor. So i guess all this and the recent weeks of work piling up on me caused me to just leak a little of anger. Leadership isn't something i'm cut out for. NCC isn't really my thing i just learnt today. I'm no leader i'm a diplomat. I'm a middleman i'm no lion i'm no sheep i'm the shepherd. I guess after this competition. I guess i'll stop coming back to ncc. COC is something i really wanted to go but i was heavily put off not by the course but by the people inside. JX Yap is the first example after he got in a fight with someone from peirce. He made the whole COC thing lose its prestige. You got a fucking rank but you went all anal about someone spinning his pen and actually naming that disruption of lesson and direct disrespect. Then you lost the argument after the two teachers went down to confront you. I swear when that news reached us our unit cheered. The way i see it the instructor at that time had no damn problem with it. Maybe i'll come back again to lend support but that's all i'll do. No more commitment to this. Maybe this year's speech day and next year's POP. I'll support the sec 2's as they take and learn the ropes. Then on the rg side i guess its about time their teacher officers took action against me. So... I don't think i'll get to go back there anymore too. So..yeah. I can firmly say my loss of interest in ncc was because of the 'all mighty' impression the CLT's gave me at the start.
I think now at this time i don't want anyone's assurance except for yours. But... I don't dare talk to you and i don't want to disturb you.
I guess that's why. I'm still scared of romantic feelings and that's what's spoiling the day. Maybe i can meet someone who can take the initiative sometimes. Not all the time. Not that i've met anyone so promising either...
Maybe that's why i keep trying to make another person smile again maybe that's why i try so damn hard only to get nothing in return. Maybe i've tried too long and too hard. I'm real tired and real frustrated i'm goddamn sick of being the middle person, always being the mediator and speaking up for others for their mistakes. What do i have? I get ridiculed. I get pitied. I hope i wont explode because if i do this time it will be really ugly. My last one destroyed me. I think this one will take someones face way down the drain.
I think i'm only snapping like this because of the things i've seen today. PDS today started harsh but throughout there was teasing and the air was light. But this subconscious of mine had somehow picked up that everyone was finding success with their girl and i'm the only one too scared to make a move. I guess it struck me a little too hard that maybe i'm not the right person anyway. Then i had to come between a 3-way complication somehow that has me unknowingly involved. Then later in the evening i watched this show which shows how a man needed to choose between his love and his emperor. Here's the ultimatum.
If he stays in the palace, he loses the girl and instead needs to stay with another girl he absolutely hates to the core. If he leaves, the whole team must die by the sword of the emperor. So i guess all this and the recent weeks of work piling up on me caused me to just leak a little of anger. Leadership isn't something i'm cut out for. NCC isn't really my thing i just learnt today. I'm no leader i'm a diplomat. I'm a middleman i'm no lion i'm no sheep i'm the shepherd. I guess after this competition. I guess i'll stop coming back to ncc. COC is something i really wanted to go but i was heavily put off not by the course but by the people inside. JX Yap is the first example after he got in a fight with someone from peirce. He made the whole COC thing lose its prestige. You got a fucking rank but you went all anal about someone spinning his pen and actually naming that disruption of lesson and direct disrespect. Then you lost the argument after the two teachers went down to confront you. I swear when that news reached us our unit cheered. The way i see it the instructor at that time had no damn problem with it. Maybe i'll come back again to lend support but that's all i'll do. No more commitment to this. Maybe this year's speech day and next year's POP. I'll support the sec 2's as they take and learn the ropes. Then on the rg side i guess its about time their teacher officers took action against me. So... I don't think i'll get to go back there anymore too. So..yeah. I can firmly say my loss of interest in ncc was because of the 'all mighty' impression the CLT's gave me at the start.
I think now at this time i don't want anyone's assurance except for yours. But... I don't dare talk to you and i don't want to disturb you.
I guess that's why. I'm still scared of romantic feelings and that's what's spoiling the day. Maybe i can meet someone who can take the initiative sometimes. Not all the time. Not that i've met anyone so promising either...
Wednesday, 19 March 2014
Starfall.
"Happiness is like a butterfly. You've gotta find it and let it rest on your palm. But it's still gonna fly away again and you've gotta find it all over again and that's what makes happiness so addictive"
Pride is important. You still need that pride as a person, for whatever. Pride can bring about respect and admiration and it can lead. But that same thing can bring about disdain and disgust. Ever since my 'stint' in NCC it made me learn that i'd rather be guide than a role model in training, then be the role model when needed. Or at least to be what is needed, when it is needed. What is the point of being fierce all the time when you can be at the right times? What are you trying to put across? I mean think of it. In training, you are senior and junior. Outside of training, friends. Then there is this issue fhat When it comes to being strict, some are leaders and some are bosses and i agree to this that leaders says 'lets go' while bosses tells you 'go'. And most importantly, those that deserve the respect are those that dive into the crap with you, survive with you, guide you through and feel the satisfaction with you. So far... There's only one person i've met and i still really respect that guy. I wonder where he is now. Because he made me realise that above respect, above ability and above rank the most important thing is none other than the bond. It's pretty useless if you've got the rank but everyone else wants to slap the shit out of you.
Today for the first time i made such a big mistake. I forgot that i will get tired sigh. I got home and just lay down on the floor for A MINUTE. BAM suddenly it's 8 pm. And now i'm still tired as hell. Once this competition is over i'll eat and sleep well and rest and do my stuff. I'm so tired sigh its actually pretty tough waking up so early ( again) ((been six months since i did it)) and i'm not eating properly again. 2 meals a day if i remember. Ahh... But hey i'm feeling pretty good. Gordon and Irah passed i'm so happy for them :D
I'm still a little curious about this Star but i'm also a little annoyed. The anonymosity was fun at first but over time, if you keep asking me how i was doing i would have the impression of you as a stalker... So i'd rather this Star person actually talked to me. I have this impression that she is under sec 3, a quiet person with a small circle of friends and quite introverted. I hope i will be that surprised if she ever tells me who she is. I don't like to wait.
And and. I haven't talke to her in awhile. Oh wells... No girl problems for now and that's a good thing. No going emo over a girl no hole in my wallet and no time spent fussing over her for now. In that same sense i'm free to go find someone suitable maybe? Anyway i can get comfortable around people quite easily ever since the changes i had to go through._. and maybe even access feelings on the first meeting if i feel like it. Since recently i've been seeing alot of interesting people. There's this one i just noticed today and i'm starting to find her really cute. Like she's my type. Those that knows how to pull their weight and what to do. They know. And that's really sexy.
Pride is important. You still need that pride as a person, for whatever. Pride can bring about respect and admiration and it can lead. But that same thing can bring about disdain and disgust. Ever since my 'stint' in NCC it made me learn that i'd rather be guide than a role model in training, then be the role model when needed. Or at least to be what is needed, when it is needed. What is the point of being fierce all the time when you can be at the right times? What are you trying to put across? I mean think of it. In training, you are senior and junior. Outside of training, friends. Then there is this issue fhat When it comes to being strict, some are leaders and some are bosses and i agree to this that leaders says 'lets go' while bosses tells you 'go'. And most importantly, those that deserve the respect are those that dive into the crap with you, survive with you, guide you through and feel the satisfaction with you. So far... There's only one person i've met and i still really respect that guy. I wonder where he is now. Because he made me realise that above respect, above ability and above rank the most important thing is none other than the bond. It's pretty useless if you've got the rank but everyone else wants to slap the shit out of you.
Today for the first time i made such a big mistake. I forgot that i will get tired sigh. I got home and just lay down on the floor for A MINUTE. BAM suddenly it's 8 pm. And now i'm still tired as hell. Once this competition is over i'll eat and sleep well and rest and do my stuff. I'm so tired sigh its actually pretty tough waking up so early ( again) ((been six months since i did it)) and i'm not eating properly again. 2 meals a day if i remember. Ahh... But hey i'm feeling pretty good. Gordon and Irah passed i'm so happy for them :D
I'm still a little curious about this Star but i'm also a little annoyed. The anonymosity was fun at first but over time, if you keep asking me how i was doing i would have the impression of you as a stalker... So i'd rather this Star person actually talked to me. I have this impression that she is under sec 3, a quiet person with a small circle of friends and quite introverted. I hope i will be that surprised if she ever tells me who she is. I don't like to wait.
And and. I haven't talke to her in awhile. Oh wells... No girl problems for now and that's a good thing. No going emo over a girl no hole in my wallet and no time spent fussing over her for now. In that same sense i'm free to go find someone suitable maybe? Anyway i can get comfortable around people quite easily ever since the changes i had to go through._. and maybe even access feelings on the first meeting if i feel like it. Since recently i've been seeing alot of interesting people. There's this one i just noticed today and i'm starting to find her really cute. Like she's my type. Those that knows how to pull their weight and what to do. They know. And that's really sexy.
Sunday, 16 March 2014
Repeat and repent
I think that what's most important is not the rank you can achieve but the respect you can gain. A hundred loyal men can do more than a thousand slaves. Okay i'm actually a revolutionarist. I like seeing huge changes and revokes because that means people are moving and thinking, whether they want to or not. Maybe a little rebellious too.
Peirce won the Central District. That was one of the best things this week i swear. But that means next monday i have to wake up early to return the trophy sigh... Harsher and longer trainings. For both schools i'm hoping cos i'm going into high gear myself and they'd better be ready and my high gear if i remember correctly is pretty insane too. The Grand Finals, i hope Peirce can get into top 3 and RGS in 2nd place. Man i'd be the happiest person in HQ by then. I'm expecting a strong show on the 29th. I'm expecting a good performance from both sides. I don't want to be disappointed.
I'm such an idiot. I'm dying to confess. But... I don't want to cause a disaster again. Ah... Someone please tell me what to do. I suck at this feelings shit.
Well i don't have much today and i'm pretty sleepy so i think i'll leave this quote here.
A person can be defined when finally exhausted on his long journey; when he sees how far he still has to go or how far he has gone.
Peirce won the Central District. That was one of the best things this week i swear. But that means next monday i have to wake up early to return the trophy sigh... Harsher and longer trainings. For both schools i'm hoping cos i'm going into high gear myself and they'd better be ready and my high gear if i remember correctly is pretty insane too. The Grand Finals, i hope Peirce can get into top 3 and RGS in 2nd place. Man i'd be the happiest person in HQ by then. I'm expecting a strong show on the 29th. I'm expecting a good performance from both sides. I don't want to be disappointed.
I'm such an idiot. I'm dying to confess. But... I don't want to cause a disaster again. Ah... Someone please tell me what to do. I suck at this feelings shit.
Well i don't have much today and i'm pretty sleepy so i think i'll leave this quote here.
A person can be defined when finally exhausted on his long journey; when he sees how far he still has to go or how far he has gone.
Friday, 14 March 2014
Just a little being me
One day you feel like the most confident person. Like you can tilt your head up and walk. All that takes is just one little incident to affect you and you walk the streets head down not even wanting to have the barest of eye contact with a stranger. Then you see a heart-wrenching sight. You're the most helpful person around. So many personality changes in a week. Thats's what's like being me. I can't say for sure that it's me because i'm everywhere and everything and i learn what i need to to suit that state of mind. So like last week i was a confident leader. Now i'm not sure where i am. I'm questioning everything i do, i can barely look at people in the eye and i lose my temper more easily. It's the mood where i don't want to do anything, i don't want to talk to anybody i don't want to see anyone i just want to be alone. I'm kind of waiting for the next thing to switch me back up again. It takes so little to make such a wave in my heart. Sigh...bipolar. Especially this. Everytime i see a girl getting mistreated by a guy i know i think to myself, hey i can treat you better than he can a thousand times. Then i remember the disaster i made and go "nevermind".
I think i'm gonna stop pds for good. Like after this competition period i'm gonna stop. It's too tiring, i don't get anything out of it and even if i wanted to pursue it i have not much of a talent in it so why waste the time. This sucks.
You know that feeling where you just want to like lean on someone and cry things out or just scream some stuff out and you're all panicky inside. I think that's how i am now.
Come morning i shouldn't be this down anymore. I have my school to support! I know they're nervous and i'll definitely be there for them. More than half of this team is first timers. Heh they'll have my full assurance. I still have dinner. I can't wait for monday and i actually want to see Larissa again it's been so long i wonder how my 'enemy' has been HAHA i miss primary school. You'd be complaining about such easy work and even though it was still complaining it's so much easier than dealing with people like maintaining relations and stuff. I hate maintaining relationships somehow. So troublesome. I prefer just a person who i can click with easily and quickly and just stay there like yaknw. I'm lazy.
I think i'm gonna stop pds for good. Like after this competition period i'm gonna stop. It's too tiring, i don't get anything out of it and even if i wanted to pursue it i have not much of a talent in it so why waste the time. This sucks.
You know that feeling where you just want to like lean on someone and cry things out or just scream some stuff out and you're all panicky inside. I think that's how i am now.
Come morning i shouldn't be this down anymore. I have my school to support! I know they're nervous and i'll definitely be there for them. More than half of this team is first timers. Heh they'll have my full assurance. I still have dinner. I can't wait for monday and i actually want to see Larissa again it's been so long i wonder how my 'enemy' has been HAHA i miss primary school. You'd be complaining about such easy work and even though it was still complaining it's so much easier than dealing with people like maintaining relations and stuff. I hate maintaining relationships somehow. So troublesome. I prefer just a person who i can click with easily and quickly and just stay there like yaknw. I'm lazy.
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