Some bad days

Anger is simply natural. A natural line of defence when something important to you is threatened. There's the kind of anger that explodes on the spot like a fireball perhaps when you realise that someone has lied to you, or betrayed you . Then there's the more dangerous one, the one that slowly builds up and turns into physical strength, the one you feel when you realise you were used or something that meant so much to you was trampled under another's feet. That is what I guess I'm facing yet again. Just a few weeks ago I hit the lowest possible point ever. I truly almost lost my life that night. It was a night of pure terror and doom from nothing, time passed oh so slowly. I thought I had someone to lean on. I actually had a knife ready. My mind was so consumed and it felt like it was burning in an unquenchable flame and I felt really embarrassingly desperate for just one person thinking maybe she might, but I think it was sometime at the moments before I pressed the tip into my arm that a single thought tripped. She didn't care. Everything stopped. I swore i broke down the whole night and I didn't get a wink of sleep and I cried so hard there wasn't any tears left at about 4 am and by daybreak the night was just a patch of blurred memories but it was also now etched into me, I put so much trust and hope, honestly so much more than I have put into anyone, into one person hoping that she would feel the same but well, obviously I should have listened to my instinct earlier on. By daybreak I strangely didn't feel even the littlest tired but invigorated. I had broken down to the lowest point and recovered but was now fueled by a different source of energy. It's both exhilarating and terrifying, this new source. It made me feel as alive as it made me feel primal. It made me feel like a different person I mean, I am quite a neutral person. This made me feel...alive. I wasn't angry at myself. I became angry, for myself. It was this huge, huge tidal wave of emotion at first but now It's getting easier to handle now. Gives me something to look forward to now everyday. But when the energy is drained out just like tonight, I still go back to the past unknowingly and it feels like shit. I really want no more than a good friend I can rant to. Someone that can listen. I mean now, there is someone that I think i have interest in, but I still want to trust someone. Because when that energy is drained out and my mind is too tired to keep itself from thinking, when I can't sleep, the whole day catches up with me and... it's nice to have someone to talk to.

I won't do what my parents did many years ago.  I won't let another person go now... I lost way too much.

Not everyday will come down to be a good day. Today, I guess I really overpushed too hard, now my body is so weak.. but that physical strength can push my to further my popping. I see where I can go about 2 months from now and hell, I do intend to reach that by then. I wanna find the people who will be committed to popping or locking too. Train them, dance with them, see them grow. Maybe that's why they call me the old man. I do sound like one now.

So burnt out today, but I can't seem to get sleep at all.

Can i like talk to you forever.

Sleepless

I wonder who still reads this, from here in Singapore. It seems I am getting a good number from the States. Hello there!

Anyway, it's been a pretty long while since I've blogged out of plain boredom and not to rant, when I had a topic to write about. Hmm, it has been really tiring the past few days, Staying up the whole damn night just to do my dreamweaver project, dance and school. Damn. Exams are coming too and the pressure is slowly building up yet again. Classmates and friends, I mean I hate to see them stressed because that affects me too, so I guess I try my best to lighten even a fraction of their load . But on the bright side, I seem to have really fought off my depression. Perhaps they were just reverberations, the way my mind had struggled to bring itself back to a norm from one single explosive episode. I've been reading articles about how people never recover and spend their entire lives hiding from the light, I fear for myself sometimes too. I should be strong enough now to over come that fear on my own but who knows, there might come a time where I could lose myself again. But till then, it should be the better choice to take care of myself and see that I do what I set out to so desperately do before this time fully, for myself.

I find myself getting stuck in more and more half-ways. Where I find myself stuck in a rut, not sure where to go and how to get out. And they say that what always recurs is the lesson that must be learnt. It could be a problem with myself i'm not too sure actually. Someone please, tell me soon.

I just hope everything can turn out to be good soon. Damn, I miss having someone to talk to all the time. I miss the feeling of having someone I can rely on. It's been a few years now... I think I am starting to tire.



I should sleep.

Last time venting(I hope)

It seems one meet up with the person dearest to me in such a while was able to bring me back up again. I think I finally found the root of my problem. It was never, ever fun to live through depression like that and it might seem like its gone now but its always there, somewhere. Aaron again could pull me out because he knew exactly why I kept sinking in deeper and deeper. And well, yes. Again and again i owe my life to him, many times over because I was so , so close to suicide. Felt hopeless. Really really hopeless and I wanted nothing more than to end everything there and then. The kind of fear that overwhelms you from what seems to be a small speck of dirt to titanic waves that bear down on you. And yet he could do away with all that with just talking sense to me. He's right too, I need to find another him and Glenson here.

Perhaps I kept sinking because I didn't trust the people around me, I shut the people around me out and that only served to harm me more than help. Opening up now suddenly pulled me back up to a me that I was very long ago, albeit a little more sensible now. I thought this side of me was dead. Dead in the three long years I fought every day to stay afloat. But even as I say all this...vestiges remain and there is every possibility that it will, and it can come back, harder and stronger.

It feels weird this time too. Like a chapter closing. I felt it really, but it might be just like the previous time. I shall wait a few weeks before saying any more.. But should this time really be the one that lets me move on, I shan't wait any more. I've spent too much time on regret because I was too busy trying to save others thinking it would repair me, too much on heartbreak and definitely way too much on changing the effects the past had on me. Now it feels like I woke up a different person. And I want to make it stay that way. Sadness was a part of me and now I have to find my happiness too. I changed many things in my life already, including people and to a certain you especially...I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. I may never be, sadly. I would do anything to go back to the past where we were on such good terms and maybe more but maybe in the future, if we meet again like that again, maybe then I'll be strong enough for you. I'm terribly sick of feeling so terrified all the time and horribly tired of staying tired for nothing. Once this round is completely over, I won't turn back anymore. I'm finally going to start afresh. Leave the worst of me behind me finally. Since today I learnt something so crucial. It seems I was never mature, I was simply bitter. But now, please let this be a chance to move on. From everything finally.

I kind of hope this will be the last time I am writing to vent my emotions and any sadness I have in the future. This sadness inside here, I don't really know how to get around it, it comes through my mind every now and then and I hope that soon enough someone will come around again, perhaps no need to be a pillar of support for me but for a first in a long while, have me look forward to seeing her again and again for years on end. Maybe I'll come to find the thing that I need so badly since I could ever remember and gosh please if I do find you, I'm not going to let you go anymore.

I feel so alone now. No longer lonely, just alone.

Might have a way out now

It's sickening really. I'm so so tired of...feeling like i was never enough. So sick of the fact that cant quite leave my head anymore, that I let go of something so so precious to me. But I really need to start doing things for my own good now. I'm even more tired of lying to myself and adapting myself to suit others. There's a limit to me to and I've overextended so much without realising. I remember stronger times. I can somewhat see them again and just perhaps, I can get out of this one once more. One meetup with Aaron was what I really needed. I come to see now...I can't do much alone. There was a part I lost while being alone most of the time. Who's to blame except for me. I don't really know how to turn what the past did to me.. That aside. I see today how much better I felt when I opened up once, and was in the company of the good. It felt like my soul was washed of some of its old burdens. I felt free, like the first breathe of air before diving underwater, it felt so good in my lungs it hurts and I wouldn't let it go for anything in the world. I hope I do find my pillar of support again soon, here in nyp. I might survive this round without meds. I don't know honestly how serious the next round is going to be.

Feel my dance finally, finally improve. I guess the classes didnt go to waste. It finally took effect today and the hell, the stuff they said on friday is still echoing in my brain till today. They are amazing people damn I want to learn from them again... if ever I would be so lucky in my lifetime again.

Show me a way out, and you'll see a way in. Away out of my demons, a way into your heaven. I'll be your escort, I'll be your guide.But don't turn into another one of them please, I've seen too much and been too saddened.

I miss you. but perhaps...now I must put myself before I lose myself completely trying to help you become happy again. Absolutely heartbroken.

New year again

Well hello again. It's been about a week and a little more since I last wrote huh. Things aren't getting much better for me really. I managed to slow my depressive descent somehow and put things off because it's pretty much still the festive season. But the longer I drag on the more apparant it is that I really need meds to control my situation. Damn is this scary. What if I never recover? What if they worsen my current state? I really want to talk it all out to someone but I don't know who to approach any more... It helps the best if there was someone I could pour my feelings out to. It seems that I worsen faster when I feel lonely which actually, rarely affects me but is starting to find its way in now. I've gone past the stage which would be considered the lowest point in the past and back then it was with emotional triggers. Now, nothing has affected me, nothing has triggered this and yet it still comes back, Tiring. Really scary too. Darker and darker thoughts take over my mind without my consent more easily now. Nothing about how i don't try to bring myself back up, I do every time. It's just that each time, it gets more and more difficult. Sick, scared, tired, feeling kind of alone too and not knowing who to turn to and how to talk to them about this, Can i cry...

I have things to feel happy about I guess. Started the year with Night at the Museum 3, emotional movie. Taught me many things, to move on and let things/people go, that there will always be a tomorrow and a sunrise to be happy for. The storyline spoke to me well, since father and son of the story was similar to my situation. And strangely it was one of the lines of Robin Williams that etched a deep impression, that when the protagonist said that he had no idea what he was going to do tomorrow and Robin replied with a "Isn't that exciting!" That is. Perhaps I am not so special after all, being caught up like billions of other people in this stream of time. Maybe I can make something different happen from tomorrow onwards.
Then today, class with world class poppers crazy kyo and poppin J! $60 for their classes but I took a lot home with me. Amazing to meet them in person, my gosh they are such nice people. They are maybe the only people that can scare me with variations of one single move

Going to be starting on medication soon. It feels liberating yet terrifying, a good thing with risks that outweigh benefits. I just hope that if it works, by then I will be strong enough to finally, FINALLY put the past behind me. Start afresh. Find my happiness again...

Losing

Well. It's getting tougher and tougher now. I've monitored myself quite closely and yeah. I've watched myself go from something as simple as a dark, ominous feeling to irritability and constant fatigue, to sleeping problems and eating problems up till now, nightmares yet again. It's getting tougher and tougher to turn a bad day around. One single screw up stays in my mind for so long and impacts me really hard now, too. Things are becoming dull again and this was the worst I'd become in the past. But i'm still breaking. Now it has affected my health. I feel sick all the time, I feel aches that come out of nowhere. My thoughts are starting to get more and more morbid. Starting to fall over to the suicidal side. I feel like ending everything sometimes. Getting more often now.. I don't even know what's with me anymore. My head is hurting as I write, my heart is aching too. I start to hate myself now..

I dont know why i even try to understand others any more. I'm looking for someone that I can talk to and well, can break the cycle. Not to fight this depression for me. Someone that can break me out of the cycle sometimes when I feel hopeless. I can get myself out of it but not when I'm involved in it. Gosh I feel the weakest I have ever been. I need someone now. The fucking problem is this. I'm a stubborn person. I don't need anyone. I need just that someone.

One horrible weekend. I hope really, really hard that tomorrow I may find something that can lets me get a good grip on myself again. I'm prepared to get myself out of this once more. I just really don't know where the hell I should head this time..

Gosh. I haven't slept for the past 3 days now. Let me have a good sleep now...

Merry Christmas Eve

A year later. Everything is so different from what was exactly a year ago. I remember how I wished that this Christmas would be different this year. I got just what I wished, and too much more. How should I start. It is a distorted image of how I wanted this Christmas to be exactly. Distorted in the sense that everything is in place the way I hoped, but everything is all just a weak facade. A mirage. A really pathetic one that can be torn down with a gust from the wave of a hand. It's a nostalgic feeling. This...icy sadness here. I feel really drained and empty from a single attack, from a single thought. This year, i'll at least get to spend it with more than one other than my family, that I am comfortable with. But it's not all merry yet for me.

My depression has taken a turn for the worse yet again. Double ( or has it become triple now ) depression , and today was a really really happy day. A joyous start today but one single thought rendered me so scared I was unable to stand. One of the worst panic attacks I ever faced happened outside home and it was a mess trying to bring myself back. This means that it can affect my daily life now. And that means I have a few options left. Two actually. Continue what I have been doing, by strengthening myself and always picking myself back up, finding ways to be happy and use all the natural cures and all or turn to medication. But medication...may make me worse. There is no way in hell that medication that affect neurotransmitters and chemical balances in the brain to stabilise mood, will help me when I already have an existing mood problem. Both sides of the coins are very real. If lets say it does not help me, I will lose my mind and more. If lets say it works, I will have to deal with dangerous side effects, and then withdrawal when I taper dosages ( which may end me up to be even worse than before I started meds ) and most of all, the high possibility of it returning again. I'm just lost for words at how weak I am. How problematic I have became instead. I don't even have the strength to ask for anyone to stay anymore..

I have so much to tell you but when the words flow it will be too disupted. Perhaps it will be better this way.

I still have things to keep me going. Many of them. I still want to continue to try for these people but I pray and hope, that I will have the mind to face dark times and even darker ones to come..

This Christmas will be a very gloomy one indeed.