Headaches

So what happens now? Another group separation? Another round to go through watching people fake each other out? Why can't you be a little more upfront, say it out and not hide, then badmouth and blame? How many more times do i really have to bear the bitter of parting ways, of people who were once knitted so tightly?

'People like me, we are elusive open books. Never ask, never find out.'
Here's the thing. I cant afford to let people know what's going through my head. Not for anything, but because literally they don't deserve to. What have they done to deserve feeling the brunt of my emotions? I mean, it's a destructive mess in here that i keep down every minute because no, nobody deserves to see what havoc that mess can wreak. People tell me to let it go, let it out. But to who? I don't approach people anymore because i know they may tell on me. Might be paranoia, might be insecurity. But it's happened enough times before. And even those that ask me... Over the phone. I can never release my emotions fully and i know i shouldn't. I will get reliant on the person that is present then. I turn to writing every few days but even here i find myself more and more limited. Even writing on paper is getting more and more difficult. This chaos... Is spiralling out of hand so quickly. I wish there was a drug of sort, end my thinking end my mind quick. End me quickly too. Me existing has adverse effects to the people around me.

Time to push dance to my next time. My body is ready for me to take my training a few notches up. Same training hours, triple the intensity. Takes my mind off all the radical thoughts for moments.

I'm tired beyond help to miss anyone anymore. I need a shoulder sometimes too. I can't support others much anymore..