September.

So pulling into September.. my favourite month actually. I've always liked fall and things ending, and September marks the end of Fall. I've always pictured autumn as this, the floor littered by the multitude of coloured leaves, the trees drawing back and preparing for the cold, and just a couple standing there. It's weird i guess since i had this impression since forever, and i was definitely too young then to know about relationships.

I guess also in this month i turn super quiet and draw back into the shell i made. Just the same every year. There's one particular dream i hope doesn't come true. Anyway. It's always strange that august is my busiest month and september will always be my quietest. In the sense that it's some how always in this month that the people who don't know me will not have that chance unless i have an interest to know them. Strange, strange me. I guess from tomorrow onwards i will be more introverted than before. I cannot afford to allow myself to be spread out too thinly this month because i seriously fear. So many things is starting to change, the way i see them. The things i see, the things i know are slowly dying. Even myself.. i don't know. The premonition of a death nearing has been nagging me. Also, a certain frustration, i can't really name it but i think i know why, has been irritating me for awhile now. It's actually my fuel to dance harder and better. But because of this i've reached an imbalance between my feelings and my mind. Dance isn't me, it can't infuse into me. No matter how deeply it enters it still can't be a part of me. And dance forces me to be extroverted, to talk and to ask. Not me at all.

And this... I want to be the kind of person to take her out on dates, the diehard romantic. The walk by the shore or the candlelit dinner or a night under the stars. I want to give really, to make someone feel like she is complete. But this.. i guess i'm not supposed to exist. If once more a relapse occurs i will be irrevocably changed again. People tell me that to heal by yourself would be impossible, you can only cover up and that you need the soul of another to heal but look at me. Me... This horrid, twisted, distorted and nightmarish other half of me, who will be strong enough to take him on?

This month is like my rest, the time i use to find myself and recuperate. Get off old flames, get rid of bad relationships. Grow through past times. Strengthen myself and hopefully... I make it past this month.