I wished

Here's to all the times, when the past catches up to you and as much and as hard as you've fought to put it down it jumps right back up, it flies right back at you. Here's to the times you've lost control of emotions and everything feels like it crashes down, your chest constricts and it becomes hard to breathe. Here's to the times you wished that you've never met some people so you'd never have to feel a certain way. Here's to the times, you wish you never lived.

The reason i have to stay in fb are running out, the reasons for me to leave are increasing. The people are awesome. The people i've met are all a little too big of an influence to me but that's not the point. The pressure the system the hierachy... I dont like it at all. But tradition is tradition and it will be maintained, just not by me.

To start october in such a shitty way, to really need someone to confide in. Even writing, dancing and playing the guitar are not helping. It's rare but i guess this time i can't quite rely on myself and more importantly, who can i rely on for proper advice and not just brushing me off...

Headaches

So what happens now? Another group separation? Another round to go through watching people fake each other out? Why can't you be a little more upfront, say it out and not hide, then badmouth and blame? How many more times do i really have to bear the bitter of parting ways, of people who were once knitted so tightly?

'People like me, we are elusive open books. Never ask, never find out.'
Here's the thing. I cant afford to let people know what's going through my head. Not for anything, but because literally they don't deserve to. What have they done to deserve feeling the brunt of my emotions? I mean, it's a destructive mess in here that i keep down every minute because no, nobody deserves to see what havoc that mess can wreak. People tell me to let it go, let it out. But to who? I don't approach people anymore because i know they may tell on me. Might be paranoia, might be insecurity. But it's happened enough times before. And even those that ask me... Over the phone. I can never release my emotions fully and i know i shouldn't. I will get reliant on the person that is present then. I turn to writing every few days but even here i find myself more and more limited. Even writing on paper is getting more and more difficult. This chaos... Is spiralling out of hand so quickly. I wish there was a drug of sort, end my thinking end my mind quick. End me quickly too. Me existing has adverse effects to the people around me.

Time to push dance to my next time. My body is ready for me to take my training a few notches up. Same training hours, triple the intensity. Takes my mind off all the radical thoughts for moments.

I'm tired beyond help to miss anyone anymore. I need a shoulder sometimes too. I can't support others much anymore..

Tired

I think i understand why people drink and smoke to take their mind off their worries and troubles. When the wine slides down your throat the slight fruity nature fills your nose and the alcohol burns lightly down your throat, that takes your mind off the problem for a split second and that split second, really addictive it is. And you drink more and more, till you become less and less aware of your surroundings. The cigarettes, the lazy smoke curls above the burning tip, each breath amplifies the tone and the ecstasy of alcohol as the taste of the cigarette fills your lungs, the sweet poison a strange high that people chase. And with these two, everything can be forgotten for a night. Wine accompanies me tonight. A strong glass of white wine.. it's been awhile i guess.

I find this weird that how the people that keeps groups together, are sometimes the ones feeling the most left out. I mean, i really feel alone sometimes. There are friends that i'm so close to honestly i consider them family and more already but when i relapse, i dont really dare to tell them. When i start thinking about the past i don't want to trouble them more with what they already have and what they tell me. And the smiles and effort to keep the rest together, people don't really look into their eyes. People listen to respond, not to understand and sometimes they don't see that the people holding the groups together are sometimes the ones most in need of someone holding them

I don't know how long more i can hold on in fb. No matter how i train... This is the furthest i go i guess. I see more potential in my batchmates than ever now and i see my potential in guitar more and more.
What more, i already had the idea of quitting since the start of fb. Shows... How much i should not have got to know people.

I really miss you. :/

Giving up

6 days left to my birthday. I guess there are two big reasons i don't like celebrating my birthday. Firstly because of that dream many years ago and since all my dreams in that age all came true (yeah all of them have came true so far and stopped coming true after i turned 16..) and that.. it only serves as a reminder for things i'm still struggling to put behind after 10 years? Pathetic really.

And i don't know if its paranoia or its the truth, or i'm having a quiet relapse. People start to feel more distant from me and the look they give me sometimes, that scares me. Have i honestly been so annoying that you give such a dark, outcasting look?  The same look people give to a rag-clad homeless man. The same. And it's getting darker, it's getting more hopeless and i'm turning much more desperate inside. And i don't know who i can turn to, and even if i can, whether i can speak properly to them by then.

I miss the past where i was so caught up in NCC. in there you choose what you want to commit to. In fb however... closer and closer to quitting. I'm no performer. I love to dance but i dont want to perform. I don't want the junior exams, i don't want no dance synergy. i wanna dance and i want to learn how to do what i want to do. That and how the seniors always say that there must be unity in the batch? What unity. Apart from the few people, what unity is there? I can really swear i feel absolutely ostracised sometimes. There's no one that's willing to train at my level. i guess to go up higher it really is a pretty solitary journey. And speaking of dance.. I'm really giving up on popping soon. It's really irritating to spend so many hours popping and after such long hours finally realising that maybe i'm not suited for dance. Maybe that's the furthest i'll ever go. And.. i really put myself through so many hours just to try to figure out one thing. What does dance really mean to you? i still haven't found the answer until today. I'm not meant to dance. It's not a part of my soul, not a part of me. I'm a guitarist and i guess i should go back to guitar, give up on dance. heh.

i don't know... i feel really shitty

Halfway there

Half the month has gone. I managed to go so long without letting out my feelings to anyone and it is starting to put pressure on me. I guess nobody really reads this any more i hope? If you do drop me a question on my ask.fm haha just kidding.

Recently i went through this innovative bootcamp. Shit really. I thought it would be a welcome break from dancing all day and the training but it only served to restart something i thought i had mastered in myself. A deep thinker was re-awakened. And that... the long hours of dance didn't change me. I had only neglected the feelings i was facing and put them aside and when finally, these emotions are tapped again that i realised how overwhelming they are. They fuel my energy to dance up to 10 hours a day. Imagine all that concentrated into 2 hours..

Who am i kidding, It's really a first time i've ever  felt such deep regret for knowing someone. I should have never tried to talk to you again. I should have never talked to you in the first place. Yet now in stead of numbness there is this...strange longing. Memories which should have been erased are coming back. Nostalgic feelings. I thought i was stronger than this and suddenly, i really miss your hugs, the way your eyes lit up. What is wrong with me. It's been long since this much of emotions just come up again and i lose my composure.
I can't quite cry it out and it's difficult to tell anyone, simple because of certain issues and that as of now i don't actually trust anyone that much anymore. Serious trust issues really. Paranoia is eating me up again, frustrations are building up again. What more can i say? I just don't want to burden anyone any more. And here's the worst. I've closed up really hard and i don't know just how to start talking to people again. Popping competition this saturday. How am i to cope...

Past all that regret is a seemingly new emotion to me. Never have i gone through such pure and distilled sadness. It's not the kind that makes people go agitated but the kind that just blanks you out. And everything  just stops .That makes you wonder where you are. You lose a little of recent memories and the world seems more fascinating all of a sudden.

I guess i shouldn't be getting close to people at this time. All i'll do is create more havoc..

September.

So pulling into September.. my favourite month actually. I've always liked fall and things ending, and September marks the end of Fall. I've always pictured autumn as this, the floor littered by the multitude of coloured leaves, the trees drawing back and preparing for the cold, and just a couple standing there. It's weird i guess since i had this impression since forever, and i was definitely too young then to know about relationships.

I guess also in this month i turn super quiet and draw back into the shell i made. Just the same every year. There's one particular dream i hope doesn't come true. Anyway. It's always strange that august is my busiest month and september will always be my quietest. In the sense that it's some how always in this month that the people who don't know me will not have that chance unless i have an interest to know them. Strange, strange me. I guess from tomorrow onwards i will be more introverted than before. I cannot afford to allow myself to be spread out too thinly this month because i seriously fear. So many things is starting to change, the way i see them. The things i see, the things i know are slowly dying. Even myself.. i don't know. The premonition of a death nearing has been nagging me. Also, a certain frustration, i can't really name it but i think i know why, has been irritating me for awhile now. It's actually my fuel to dance harder and better. But because of this i've reached an imbalance between my feelings and my mind. Dance isn't me, it can't infuse into me. No matter how deeply it enters it still can't be a part of me. And dance forces me to be extroverted, to talk and to ask. Not me at all.

And this... I want to be the kind of person to take her out on dates, the diehard romantic. The walk by the shore or the candlelit dinner or a night under the stars. I want to give really, to make someone feel like she is complete. But this.. i guess i'm not supposed to exist. If once more a relapse occurs i will be irrevocably changed again. People tell me that to heal by yourself would be impossible, you can only cover up and that you need the soul of another to heal but look at me. Me... This horrid, twisted, distorted and nightmarish other half of me, who will be strong enough to take him on?

This month is like my rest, the time i use to find myself and recuperate. Get off old flames, get rid of bad relationships. Grow through past times. Strengthen myself and hopefully... I make it past this month.

Accursed gifts

I guess i was gifted this at birth, that i would be super sensitive to my surroundings. Colors around people, energy spikes, spirits. Hues and shades, the different tones and colors that surrounds a person. Each tone and color represents a dominant trait in the person's life and that allows me to know a person inside out on first sight. But really, it's quite a cursed gift considering how soft hearted i am. Imagine a timid child, seeing shades of dark, deep blue and striking blood red, swirling purple and grotesque brown around people i consider family, those colors which are anything but good. It fueled my introverted side as a child. I had to runaway from it,so i stopped using it as i pulled into primary, secondary school but coming into polytechnic it seems it has come back and stronger than ever. Not just hues, but i now see probable events and future events together. As cool and useful as it might sound, it is a horrible burden. Imagine seeing disaster and heartbreaks and sadness everywhere you go. Now being so sensitive sometimes, i even feel what others are feeling. And it is also because of this that i don't dare to share problems with people. I can see if you can handle your own problems and if you are emotionally stable. Because me, i'm not. And it takes one to know one. I've developed a chaotic side not because of events but the impressions of others when i see them, the stronger the color the deeper the impressions. And this chaotic debt is difficult, it's a trove. A weapon and also a liability. It has a name, and i didn't even have to name him.

It's a strange irony indeed, that the ones keeping others together sometimes may be the ones feeling the most left out. I guess it's slowly happening to me. I feel more and more outcasted in fb. I don't want to do hip hop, i mean its really good to learn it but not in such a forced way. Not everyone learns by this method, by this style even. Sooner or later i guess, if commitments clash then it will be my final reason to leave. I already have so many reasons to leave but i'm staying because of one, and if either side of them leaves then really, i dont see a point for me to stay either. I dont feel a family here. I feel a strict hierachy.

I learnt a valuable lessons today. In a clique in school a person appears to be this way but behind, may be a different person altogether. This sharp lesson.. made me rethink about all my friends yet again. Are they really who they say they are? And simply if they feel scared or angry when presented with this question then well, sometime must be pretty wrong huh. A person's background doesn't dictate his actions, it dictates his influences. But that is not him, that is him reacting.

I feel this deep frustration and yes i'm pretty annoyed. I want to rant but well.. i almost did but its better that i dont. I mean... I dont want to burden people and its always the same. Whats the point, if i'll never be good enough?