Byebye

It has really been a long time since I have been back here. I feel different, I guess I outgrown the need to write as often as I want to rant so this should be the last post and since it is, I shall pour our what has happened over the past 3 months that shook me so hard to the point of desperation.......like always. Just for the last time now.

So it's final I guess. Since the new year I really have put down and let go of depression. It was one of the harshest struggles I have gone through for awhile and definitely, I have had enough of depression to last me a lifetime. And with that put behind me I have lost more than what I once considered so essential to me. Not a thing. A person. To be very honest I still do miss her from time to time,sometimes most of the time. But at that point of time it was the only choice of action I had and I knew what was coming for me if I hadn't chose to do things the way I did. I want to explain to her what was going through my head, but I was already unstable and she was adding on to it. I found purchase onto mental stability at a peculiar time and well, the chance was taken. But now... I do miss her honestly. I think she really hates me now but what can I do. I don't know how to even approach her and well, it's not exactly like I'm the first person on a list of people she'd want to see. But then again...at the same time, as much as I miss the times with her I don't want to see her too. My subconscious views her as the one who aggravated my condition, set me off into the deepest and hardest relapse. I've seen her eyes, the way she looks at me. I know those eyes well. Those are the eyes of extreme distaste and disgust and you know what they say, Eyes are the windows to the soul and I read people by their eyes first. Well, I don't think I will be trying to patch things up anytime soon. Not that I have a chance anyway

Coming out of depression feels like coming out of a long, dark tunnel. That tunnel has elapsed over the span of my whole life and now that I am actually out of it, I realised that I am missing certain social and mental skills that everyone else has. For example, I'm not the most sensitive person in the room. Neither am I the most spontaneous.  I can still alter my feelings, that's probably the one thing I need most now. But I still can't fit in somehow. I feel different from most people I believe. Who the hell wakes up everyday hoping that depression doesn't return, practically living in fear and always on the alert? Doesn't that sound like how a war veteran would be like? Except...I'm just a teen in Singapore. I feel like an outcast among the closest of friends and an alien within my family. I only feel at home...with the rare individuals that are especially close to me.

Club Crawl for this year is coming soon. My item has finished my half of the performance, now just waiting for the other half. Recently there was a vetting and because of this vetting I have come to conclusion about a few things. Firstly, I'm not suited to be a good leader and choreographer. I don't know, it just doesn't go well with me. Secondly, I'm not a good dancer at all. Hah, My batch has so many more who can do twice of what I can now with a third of the training I do. It's a little unfair bu perhaps yes, I have gone against the grain and abandoned what I might have been really cut out to do, which is playing the guitar. I don't know. I am musically inclined but perhaps not towards dance.

To a more personal problem, I don't think I will be feeling for anyone anytime soon. Too much trauma in such a short time. It's so difficult to even talk to girls nowadays without having that guard up. I seem aloof and unkind but that's really not the thing that I want to portray. I'm not that cold guys. I want to be able to feel really comfortable around a girl for once honestly.hm...

Almost over

I don't write as much anymore, it's a good sign I hope. Things really have been looking up the past January and it will maintain, I hope. I mean, I write when I am excessively stressed by anything at all and well...perhaps I don't need this outlet anymore. I was too focused on other people, I'd forgot all about myself. I showed others the way out of theirs when it was also the way I needed the most. I told others to confide but it was the very thing I had to do too. And I guess now I have a good grip on myself to push myself and to go further and all. Except now it's with a certain kind of feeling behind, one that I'm not very sure how to explain myself. It feels good to have it fill me when I do things that I like but it fills and changes itself when I am sad, or angry and it kind of amplifies how I see everything. I hope this is how others feel when they go about their everyday lives. This feeling here, I wonder who understands too.

So some of my closer friends have been urging me to get a girlfriend. No please haha not for a long while. I'm honestly quite sick of meeting people who really..just show me that they do not want to care/do not care/ bitch about me even after my intentions for them are honestly good. I'm waist-deep in my own stuff and I prefer to live like this for awhile now, if you're going to burden me then just fuck off. Maybe soon there'll be someone I can actually really talk to, but now anytime soon I'll be letting someone into my inner circles.

That and dance-wise, I seem to be improving at a really good rate my popping. Locking seems to be slowing down... never really focused on it for a while. When holidays come my training will double yet again yay.

It's been a while since I've written out of anger that I have a little trouble doing so now. Hmm... There's a frustration that wants to come out but I can't bring it out somehow. Man... feeling all confused and shit...

But most of all, I'm dead sick of putting in effort for people who will turn against me. Suddenly when I do the same, I become the bad guy. hmm....

Some bad days

Anger is simply natural. A natural line of defence when something important to you is threatened. There's the kind of anger that explodes on the spot like a fireball perhaps when you realise that someone has lied to you, or betrayed you . Then there's the more dangerous one, the one that slowly builds up and turns into physical strength, the one you feel when you realise you were used or something that meant so much to you was trampled under another's feet. That is what I guess I'm facing yet again. Just a few weeks ago I hit the lowest possible point ever. I truly almost lost my life that night. It was a night of pure terror and doom from nothing, time passed oh so slowly. I thought I had someone to lean on. I actually had a knife ready. My mind was so consumed and it felt like it was burning in an unquenchable flame and I felt really embarrassingly desperate for just one person thinking maybe she might, but I think it was sometime at the moments before I pressed the tip into my arm that a single thought tripped. She didn't care. Everything stopped. I swore i broke down the whole night and I didn't get a wink of sleep and I cried so hard there wasn't any tears left at about 4 am and by daybreak the night was just a patch of blurred memories but it was also now etched into me, I put so much trust and hope, honestly so much more than I have put into anyone, into one person hoping that she would feel the same but well, obviously I should have listened to my instinct earlier on. By daybreak I strangely didn't feel even the littlest tired but invigorated. I had broken down to the lowest point and recovered but was now fueled by a different source of energy. It's both exhilarating and terrifying, this new source. It made me feel as alive as it made me feel primal. It made me feel like a different person I mean, I am quite a neutral person. This made me feel...alive. I wasn't angry at myself. I became angry, for myself. It was this huge, huge tidal wave of emotion at first but now It's getting easier to handle now. Gives me something to look forward to now everyday. But when the energy is drained out just like tonight, I still go back to the past unknowingly and it feels like shit. I really want no more than a good friend I can rant to. Someone that can listen. I mean now, there is someone that I think i have interest in, but I still want to trust someone. Because when that energy is drained out and my mind is too tired to keep itself from thinking, when I can't sleep, the whole day catches up with me and... it's nice to have someone to talk to.

I won't do what my parents did many years ago.  I won't let another person go now... I lost way too much.

Not everyday will come down to be a good day. Today, I guess I really overpushed too hard, now my body is so weak.. but that physical strength can push my to further my popping. I see where I can go about 2 months from now and hell, I do intend to reach that by then. I wanna find the people who will be committed to popping or locking too. Train them, dance with them, see them grow. Maybe that's why they call me the old man. I do sound like one now.

So burnt out today, but I can't seem to get sleep at all.

Can i like talk to you forever.

Sleepless

I wonder who still reads this, from here in Singapore. It seems I am getting a good number from the States. Hello there!

Anyway, it's been a pretty long while since I've blogged out of plain boredom and not to rant, when I had a topic to write about. Hmm, it has been really tiring the past few days, Staying up the whole damn night just to do my dreamweaver project, dance and school. Damn. Exams are coming too and the pressure is slowly building up yet again. Classmates and friends, I mean I hate to see them stressed because that affects me too, so I guess I try my best to lighten even a fraction of their load . But on the bright side, I seem to have really fought off my depression. Perhaps they were just reverberations, the way my mind had struggled to bring itself back to a norm from one single explosive episode. I've been reading articles about how people never recover and spend their entire lives hiding from the light, I fear for myself sometimes too. I should be strong enough now to over come that fear on my own but who knows, there might come a time where I could lose myself again. But till then, it should be the better choice to take care of myself and see that I do what I set out to so desperately do before this time fully, for myself.

I find myself getting stuck in more and more half-ways. Where I find myself stuck in a rut, not sure where to go and how to get out. And they say that what always recurs is the lesson that must be learnt. It could be a problem with myself i'm not too sure actually. Someone please, tell me soon.

I just hope everything can turn out to be good soon. Damn, I miss having someone to talk to all the time. I miss the feeling of having someone I can rely on. It's been a few years now... I think I am starting to tire.



I should sleep.

Last time venting(I hope)

It seems one meet up with the person dearest to me in such a while was able to bring me back up again. I think I finally found the root of my problem. It was never, ever fun to live through depression like that and it might seem like its gone now but its always there, somewhere. Aaron again could pull me out because he knew exactly why I kept sinking in deeper and deeper. And well, yes. Again and again i owe my life to him, many times over because I was so , so close to suicide. Felt hopeless. Really really hopeless and I wanted nothing more than to end everything there and then. The kind of fear that overwhelms you from what seems to be a small speck of dirt to titanic waves that bear down on you. And yet he could do away with all that with just talking sense to me. He's right too, I need to find another him and Glenson here.

Perhaps I kept sinking because I didn't trust the people around me, I shut the people around me out and that only served to harm me more than help. Opening up now suddenly pulled me back up to a me that I was very long ago, albeit a little more sensible now. I thought this side of me was dead. Dead in the three long years I fought every day to stay afloat. But even as I say all this...vestiges remain and there is every possibility that it will, and it can come back, harder and stronger.

It feels weird this time too. Like a chapter closing. I felt it really, but it might be just like the previous time. I shall wait a few weeks before saying any more.. But should this time really be the one that lets me move on, I shan't wait any more. I've spent too much time on regret because I was too busy trying to save others thinking it would repair me, too much on heartbreak and definitely way too much on changing the effects the past had on me. Now it feels like I woke up a different person. And I want to make it stay that way. Sadness was a part of me and now I have to find my happiness too. I changed many things in my life already, including people and to a certain you especially...I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. I may never be, sadly. I would do anything to go back to the past where we were on such good terms and maybe more but maybe in the future, if we meet again like that again, maybe then I'll be strong enough for you. I'm terribly sick of feeling so terrified all the time and horribly tired of staying tired for nothing. Once this round is completely over, I won't turn back anymore. I'm finally going to start afresh. Leave the worst of me behind me finally. Since today I learnt something so crucial. It seems I was never mature, I was simply bitter. But now, please let this be a chance to move on. From everything finally.

I kind of hope this will be the last time I am writing to vent my emotions and any sadness I have in the future. This sadness inside here, I don't really know how to get around it, it comes through my mind every now and then and I hope that soon enough someone will come around again, perhaps no need to be a pillar of support for me but for a first in a long while, have me look forward to seeing her again and again for years on end. Maybe I'll come to find the thing that I need so badly since I could ever remember and gosh please if I do find you, I'm not going to let you go anymore.

I feel so alone now. No longer lonely, just alone.

Might have a way out now

It's sickening really. I'm so so tired of...feeling like i was never enough. So sick of the fact that cant quite leave my head anymore, that I let go of something so so precious to me. But I really need to start doing things for my own good now. I'm even more tired of lying to myself and adapting myself to suit others. There's a limit to me to and I've overextended so much without realising. I remember stronger times. I can somewhat see them again and just perhaps, I can get out of this one once more. One meetup with Aaron was what I really needed. I come to see now...I can't do much alone. There was a part I lost while being alone most of the time. Who's to blame except for me. I don't really know how to turn what the past did to me.. That aside. I see today how much better I felt when I opened up once, and was in the company of the good. It felt like my soul was washed of some of its old burdens. I felt free, like the first breathe of air before diving underwater, it felt so good in my lungs it hurts and I wouldn't let it go for anything in the world. I hope I do find my pillar of support again soon, here in nyp. I might survive this round without meds. I don't know honestly how serious the next round is going to be.

Feel my dance finally, finally improve. I guess the classes didnt go to waste. It finally took effect today and the hell, the stuff they said on friday is still echoing in my brain till today. They are amazing people damn I want to learn from them again... if ever I would be so lucky in my lifetime again.

Show me a way out, and you'll see a way in. Away out of my demons, a way into your heaven. I'll be your escort, I'll be your guide.But don't turn into another one of them please, I've seen too much and been too saddened.

I miss you. but perhaps...now I must put myself before I lose myself completely trying to help you become happy again. Absolutely heartbroken.

New year again

Well hello again. It's been about a week and a little more since I last wrote huh. Things aren't getting much better for me really. I managed to slow my depressive descent somehow and put things off because it's pretty much still the festive season. But the longer I drag on the more apparant it is that I really need meds to control my situation. Damn is this scary. What if I never recover? What if they worsen my current state? I really want to talk it all out to someone but I don't know who to approach any more... It helps the best if there was someone I could pour my feelings out to. It seems that I worsen faster when I feel lonely which actually, rarely affects me but is starting to find its way in now. I've gone past the stage which would be considered the lowest point in the past and back then it was with emotional triggers. Now, nothing has affected me, nothing has triggered this and yet it still comes back, Tiring. Really scary too. Darker and darker thoughts take over my mind without my consent more easily now. Nothing about how i don't try to bring myself back up, I do every time. It's just that each time, it gets more and more difficult. Sick, scared, tired, feeling kind of alone too and not knowing who to turn to and how to talk to them about this, Can i cry...

I have things to feel happy about I guess. Started the year with Night at the Museum 3, emotional movie. Taught me many things, to move on and let things/people go, that there will always be a tomorrow and a sunrise to be happy for. The storyline spoke to me well, since father and son of the story was similar to my situation. And strangely it was one of the lines of Robin Williams that etched a deep impression, that when the protagonist said that he had no idea what he was going to do tomorrow and Robin replied with a "Isn't that exciting!" That is. Perhaps I am not so special after all, being caught up like billions of other people in this stream of time. Maybe I can make something different happen from tomorrow onwards.
Then today, class with world class poppers crazy kyo and poppin J! $60 for their classes but I took a lot home with me. Amazing to meet them in person, my gosh they are such nice people. They are maybe the only people that can scare me with variations of one single move

Going to be starting on medication soon. It feels liberating yet terrifying, a good thing with risks that outweigh benefits. I just hope that if it works, by then I will be strong enough to finally, FINALLY put the past behind me. Start afresh. Find my happiness again...