The last goodbye.

The crosshair danced gently on the man's head, a light faerie spring that stables onto the outline of the skull. The blue halo blurs into focus as the gunman stares his target down. The thing that passes judgement to whether a living being survives or dies. His judgement puts the man into the death row. Devoid of feelings, he sharpens his aim and slowly...and sure his breathing slows. He feels the weight of the rifle in his hand, and the steady trembling as his finger pulls the trigger just alittle bit more...


Anthony was a man of honour. He loved his family so much he would rather die in their place. He met the most virtuous woman he known , Melissa and them together were described as the honeymoon couple, and that they had fantasy love. Just to add on they were inseperable. Like glue. Oh God their colleagues tried to put them apart. 'Tried' is used really loosely.

It was one of the company outing, oh yeah. The dinner...after the dinner Anthony dragged Melissa to the highest point of the city, the top of the fabled Eiffel Tower in the cool night and in view of the dreamy City of Lights he proclaimed:"J'etaime Melissa. I never knew what it was like to live until i met you and now i can not live without you by my side. Every minute i do without you feels like a year, and a day with you speeds past a blur because God gave me the chance to meet his angel. So would you spend eternity with me like how i would for you...will you...marry me?"

Melissa paused.She was tearing and holding back herself. She took a good look at him, past him down to the City of Lights where their colleagues were waiting impatiently. All she could manage was a nod.

Anthony had it all planned out. He would have his wedding on Chrismas itself. A white wedding...
"So sweet isn't it...we can have our big day and celebrate Chistmas too!"
Anthony sang to his fiancee sat by the edge of the bed.
"Why didn't you ask me earlier...idiot"
Melissa playfully replied as she slid over into his embrace. They looked over the city as they breathed in the alluring view of 50 storeys aboveground, the city lit up by sprinkles of light accompanied by the glitter of snowflakes in the dark night. He kissed her cheek as they both lay down. She turned to meet his lips with her own, pressing just a little... He draws back a little and stares deep into her eyes... He pulls her in closer and kisses her again, harder. She teased Anthony with her tongue slowly, going in circles...
His hand slides down, past her waist, onto her thighs stroking her slowly, sensually..she replies by running a finger down his muscular chest and moving her legs against his. She stared with such voluptous vigour...he looked into her eyes and all they screamed was 'Give me more'. He could tell how she was flushed with oestrogen and already crazed from her own imagination.She lustily breathed onto his neck, tingling him driving him animalistic. He took off his shirt pressing his lips harder as he stroked her back...and she inched off his pants cheekily. Their bodies came even closer. She got what she was waiting for and he...tasted what he always wanted. That was a night that never ended.

A year later they moved into a more humble house, a white painted house with two little beautiful girls named Hayley and Tanya. He calles them,'God's favourite' because of his jokes( he calls himself God because of his deep, deep voice and he is a joke to be around. Ask his friends). His first white Christmas dinner with his 3 beloved ladies! He chose to cook this special night and headed down walmart with a skip in his steps and haste in his thoughts to go home fast. Melissa called. "Hey Anthony, do you love me?"
"Yes i do! More than i love sausage..." Anthony teased
"You rascal. Okay come back soon dear, i haven't had your sausages in awhile. Miss you idiot. Muah"
And she hung up. Oh how much Anthony loved that goofy girl. He thought to himself " I haven't said goodbye yet!"
He pulls up into the driveway...only to see the door mowed down and slammed apart. He scrambles into the house praying to God that it's just his imagination.

Red.

Splashed so generously on the walls and pools on the floor. The crimson stained bodies were unidentifiable. They were still spurting blood and the heads were never found. An obsidian sickle was left and on the wall was hammered a note..."This is payback bitch. For the time you stole my sister from me"

He felt somewhere in his head snap. His sanity eroded to sand in a flash how his loves were so brutally...
He knew who it was. He never meant for that young girl to die. It was an accident truly but what that dog did...He would hunt that bastard down to the ends of the world. He had to. It was his high school's best friend...and that swine truly took Anthony's last goodbye from him.


He was hunted from Rome to Germany to lastly, back to Paris. Anthony perched ina strategic roof,steadied his aim onto the man, his finger bearing the flames of his hate.
"Die, motherfucker"

Just before he fully pulled the trigger he felt a cold barrel pressed to his head. Anthony froze as his blood chilled to ice.

"You always were slower than me Anthony. This is karma for pigs like you. To let you know, i know you too well. I hired your target as my body double. I was always a step ahead of you, and i still am. Rot in hell, like the piece of shit you are."

The silenced report of a pistol was all he heard and he heard no more.



Okay too many technical terms._.><

Heartfall.

I don't think i'll ever forget last year, july 19th, that fateful thursday where he tore the years of suppressed emotions out of me. I don't think he understood how much it changed me. Before secondary school, i was an introvert that could barely look into someone's eye and speak to them. I felt nothing and all i wanted was to get home to sleep.
He turned me into a uncontrollable thing, overflowing with rampant emotions ravaging my every being every second,everyday. I simply lost control of me as a whole but thanks to a certain someone, i had the courage and strength to fight out. Still...and now. Who i am now.

But one thing still...stays. I don't dare to go out of my way for another person. Not because they are not good enough but...i don't dare to. They always seem so distant that i rather separate than keep feeling that stupid insecurity. And everytime i get attached to someone, well, like someone, i can spend days just thinking why i'm not good enough for them and today is just another of those days. I like people fast because i think
I might be able to rely on them then go fast when i realise not. It's been over a a decade and every year i wish for someone i can rely on. What more...i'm a boring person. I dont have that kind of security other guys have. I don't have that kind of command other guys hold. I...

I'm the kind that complains all day and does nothing about the situation. I know im not good enough for her and i dont know how to change that fact.

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How silly of me. It's been a year but everytime i think back, that same hurt opens up again. Although everytime i feel just a little more numbed to everything, i know its there. How it hurt so much to suddenly wake up one day and realise everything i wanted was walking the other way. It has been a year. I'm not supposed to feel anything anymore... I don't wanna feel anything either. I wish i hadn't had feelings. I guess... I was too childish back then. Nothing's really changed since then and... I'm still weak. I can't take care of myself let alone another person

I remember. Day one, i set my eyes on you, i heard your story. I sworn to protect you.

Day two, i suddeny fell in love with you.

Day three, i hated every moment without you.

Week one, i got to know you more, then angel i always wanted.

First month, i remember. It was 1225...i held you for the first time. You looked so beautiful in the moonlight.

Our first quarrel. Things went downhill. Just 3 months after i met you...we went back to being strangers.

I'm sick of waiting for someone. I'm really sick of fighting. I know the reason we failed, was simply my fault that i was too dependant, too proud. I wish so hard that i would feel the appreciation from someone wanting to be with me. And i mean to really feel the appreciation, them taking the first step is just something small. But along that line... Her having that kind of guts to initiate. That kind of confidence in any girl is a huge turn on...

All the failed relationships. My instincts are almost always right and i know, logically or not whether such a bong will last and...i cannot see it last. There seems to be this certain someone i met recently that i know can last but... I don't know. Maybe its just my wishful thinking.

2.15 am. Im dead beat and all i want is a goodnights sleep, a break from my head.

Im scared.

Just how much it sucks. To have someone you feel for. That it is such a critical period and everything is getting on your nerves and every little thing she does just amplifies into so much misery, knowing that whatever happens to her, you just can't be there for her ,to comfort her. I really grieve when she is down, i cheer when she laughs. But with every minute i fear a little more. That she would get closer to another guy. That someone else will make her feel the way i want her to feel about herself, to love herself.

I'm not the competitive type. I won't chase. I'd rather hurt quietly than let her know i still had feelings for her and i absolutely hate it but i chose to be like this, i have to take that risk of someone else having her. That someone else will live to see her smile while i dream about it.

I'm so selfish. I hurt so much for so long that love seems like a warning over that fairytale texture painted by hopeful fools.
It hurts to see her even talking to another guy. I never...ever got so jealous over someone before. I feel so irritable and down and only happy when she talks to me. I don't know anymore. I feel like i'll never have the chance to spend that special moments with her anymore. I feel so horrible.

I'll just immerse myself in biology.

I'm not perfect~

So i'm up at 1 in the morning. With all this mess haunting me again...

So... I read a friend's blog. I don't know but...i felt a little angry. That i know i said i would always be there, but sometimes, i really can't. When i have too much to juggle, i'll place priority.
I listened to the old song ' my heart will go on' and it reminded me of not one, but the loss of 2. My mood so badly ruined for the night. It's been awhile since i let this type of feelings out , not of selfpity but reflective. To be whatever i'm needed to be. But now i realise that i have limits. Hey ,i'm just a mortal.

You just have no idea how much i want to hold you when you're cold, comfort you when you're down, make you laugh when you're angry, stay with you when you're lonely, be your shoulder when you cry, be your pillar when you're a mess. But most of all, love you for who you are. I hate to deny my instincts. Well...sucks to be me yeah?

I guess i am silly. To believe in this crazy little thing called love when i've been hurt by it so much. I don't know...just a gut feeling to find someone. And this feeling...i've never had it go wrong. What more, my dreams have never been wrong and you were in that dream...

Heartbreak.

I remember the time, our families first met. We were no more than toddlers, curious about the world. All we to lose were the toys and the attention of our parents and when we cried, we would still be pacified.

I remember the time, we first entered the first grade. You looked so cute and shy, staring down from the world. How i stood up for you when you were bullied. How you never dared to speak up.

I remember the time, it was our first graduation. You broke down in front of me because you felt scared; all your friends parted ways. You rested your head on my chest as i calmed you down. You screamed to the world why, must things be so cruel.

I remember the time, you failed your first examination. I didn't do well either, but all i had in my mind was to cheer you up and make you forget about the pain. Cracking jokes so your tears were of joy and not of sadness. Because in my heart only you mattered.

I remember the time,your first breakup. You had to see the harsh ugly of man, how horrible a slash a boy can inflict on you. You were sobbing non stop and i will never forget how my beige shirt was ruined so badly, but most of all, how my heart broke.

I remember the time, you found the job of your dream. You were so happy and nothing made me happier. You jumped for joy at every step,the silly spring of a young girl. I swore that i would stay by you all your life to take care of you.

I remember the time, you were walking down the aisle in that beautiful gown with another man. I felt really jealous, but all you had for me was feelings of friends. I watched in all loneness, as you said that last 'yes' and the bond was made.

I remember the time, it was so many years after. Your two kids are crying by your cold, heavy body. Your pale face still had the lines of beauty i seen in you when we first met. By this time i was nearly blind, a starving and lone man that had waited all his life.

I remember the time, how everytime, i couldn't bear to tell you, "I love you".

Graduation, day 1

Graduation day one. Still remembered the eve of graduation, how i set the iron down to cleanse myself of any form of negativity, by letting it flow into and throughout my being. I finally came to terms that things will never be the same and will never be the way i want it to. I chose to give up this childish feeling of mine. I hate the backlash...it was exactly the same as the last person who made such an impact.

She gave me this feeling only one other person has ever done. A sense of deep connection and understanding, a curiousity to know the person that bit deeper and more every passing minute. Choosing to give up reset me into the time where i felt the first, and the worst heartbreak. All i wanted was in front of me, i had to turn and walk away. I wanted her to be happy, i wanted myself to be happy too but i couldnt stop wishing i could be the one to make her feel that way. I don't even understand why i would chose to scar myself again when i'm literally scared of falling in love again. In the end i still convinced myself that...she would be happier with someone else. Look at what happened to those who were close to me... I'm selfish. I don't get it. It's the second person i felt so strongly for after meeting them for barely a month.

Maybe this is my way of feeling that it would be for the best. For my best. Because when one keeps on giving, he gets taken advantaged of, trampled down, pinned and trashed. Only when he chooses to fight back for whats right...is when the hero i'm looking for is born. I'm sick of feeling hurt waiting for someone, angry over small matters, tired of being the other half who keeps on waiting.Because i'm looking for someone too that can offer the relief from my feelings the same way i pour them out over these alphabets, fixated into strange mutations as an expression. Simply, i needed someone who understands. Didn't make thigs better that graduation was the next day...

During the ceremony, all i felt were timgles on my heartstrings. I expected myself to be the first one to break down but not only did i not...i didn't feel anything. I don't know if that meant i was too used to feelings of separation, or i had really turned into the heartless freak i hated so much inside. It felt weird that the very next day, nobody cared if you had school. Nobody cared what happened to you and there and then, i swore all i wanted was a specific someone to just hug me and comfort me. The whole day. At least my brother came over to stay with me so atleast it wasnt too bad. I took out all my frustrations but here still remains the vestiges and seams of the shattered feelings. All of this can only be shown through words. So they say, the tongue is sharper than the sword where the evil of one word torments the life of one man.

Today was a huge waste of time and hope. Spent more time waiting than playing basketball, got stood up, had to wait and was even canceled without y knowledge. Today was simply horrible.

I'm trying to keep my past there... And taming my feelings. I don't need such a huge force to come out now. Not when i feel so vulnerable and alone. I'll be utterly consumed in my own flames.