:(

O level results came out with a C6, distinction for oral. It sucked i swear. Call me jealous and insecure... It's like this. I got my results and i was really happy i passed. I looked around for people i could rejoice with but all around i saw...they were with someone else. They all had someone they preferred to be with more. I couldn't mourn either, because those i wanted to confide in were crying themselves. I swear that was the first time...i felt alone in such a crowded hall.

The person i wanted to shout it all out to, was happy with another group.

The people i wanted to cry with, had their own to mourn with.

The person i wanted to talk it out to, was crying herself.

The person i just wanted to hold and let go of everything, to tell her that i missed her and i wanted beside me the most,was happy with someone else.

The person i needed the most, wasn't even in singapore.

I've never felt so selfish and bitter before... Like the clique. I felt like i wanted them all for myself, all for my entertainment. I never felt so confused too... I didn't even know if i should feel happy or down. All i remember was numb. Re-evaluated and...i didn't end up good either. All i recall is a nmemonic mess.

I want to focus on my exams and end it that way. I don't want emotions blocking me forever and always as if... I don't want them anymore. They change so quickly i get scared myself...and the higher the stress the more volatile i become. I don't want a relationship, someone to think of anymore or i'll end up a permanant patient.

One thing never changes. I still look for someone i can truly rely on... After numerous trust issues, prejudices and fears... I need a miracle or an idiot.

I get scared too.

Hello august~

Talk about annoyed i swear.

I can't control my feelings as well as other people do. In fact, i'm starting to learn how to only direct it and not even use is intricately. Imagine what that vastness of emotional power can bring to me.



But this morning, don't know why don't know how, i woke up with a revalation in a dream. Kept dreaming of me learning how to fly an airplane. I guess i could interpret it as, i have to learn to fly, where to go and what to find. Realised how i've been just floating around, just being that thing that lets the waves flow me around. I found myself seriously, seriously sick of that. I'm gonna start putting things back into place.

First starts with the romances and finding a partner. I've been the sympathising one so many times. I dream of finding someone, who can be my listening ear, the person that could gain my trust and be my support. Kindness would be a bonus, looks would be surplus. I surprised myself too. I haven't stopped mourning since a year ago. I actually still miss you but i'm glad that at least you're happy with him. Seeing your sweet smile is just so heartwarming i guess... At the least i finally felt like i woke up for real. It's about time i start fighting for someone i want, instead of trying to be that someone people wants. I'm sick and tired of things the way they are. I give everything i have now to have a fresh start. Restart. Down to as if i never had a crush recently. I'll take the first move now. I've given up.

Next is well...life. I gotta stop letting things slide so freely. So much frustrations built up because of that and now...disgust to disdain. Hurt to anger. Frustrations to change. Need that thing to rely on because i know how weak i can get, how stubborn i can be, how sharp i can speak, how...deadly i can become. In a sense, i need someone to steer me in the right direction once. I feel like giving everything up. Feel like shit. Basketball, guitar and dance still manage to take all that off my mind for awhile. Just for awhile. I'l show you the setbacks from the disorders. One of which includes ridiculous speeds in changing feelings. Then comes the trust issues i have. Kinda no surprise i'm such a bore and chore.

And then...the chinese 7th month started. Yesterday in class i heard the dreadful gate scrap on rough floor...the opening of the gates. Whole of yesterday bugged by problems and little hickups, and even today i kept feeling ice water splashed onto my back when there really was nothing. It became a little creepy when i was shoved, and i was alone. Better than some people at least...

I don't know. All i know is this week will be really challenging, and this month is gonna suck soooooo bad.

Cherish.

Her hair was pressed to her face at every angle, clumped together and wet by very man who she thought she could trust , and yet all he could muster was,Cecelia, i'm sorry.

Her world broke apart in that very instant he said, we can't be together. She'd never remember herself feeling so down before. Here was her first taste of the bitter separation, like a slab of marble slammed home into her heart, splashing a brlliance of nervous sensations all over her body. She had just felt insecure that the guy she'd been dreaming of for so long, the one who said needed her, was really turning away from her. Her body felt hot from the tears and her frustrations made her want to smash everything around her. Through the wet hair she stares at the man before her, sore hurt turned to fiery anger, wild emotions channeled into distilled hatred. But truly she was not able to see the big picture.

He turned to walk away, a slow waltz frozen in time. Every step felt like eternity, every step another stab into her shattered heart.

On the other side of the street where he strides, he fell breathless gathering a crowd of curious onlookers.

A day. A week. A month. Time flew slowly for the lady, who'd never understood the six degrees of separation. She felt better everyday, a cruel restructure of her remnants. She'd found another man, another guy that would die to be with her. This boy understood that only feelings were needed in a relationship. Someone that only understood that much. She never felt happy with him and everytime she was down, her mind wanders back to that irreplaceable person, the one that taught her happiness and made her feel at ease for the first time around anybody.

"Ring"

Her phone lit up, with only one sentence from him.
"Goodbye, i'll see you. I miss you so badly..."
Throwing her phone down, she retired to her room to cool down but the more she taught about that particular message, the more...curious she got. She texted her best friend. And all she got in reply was,
"You were too late. He's gone yesterday"

She ran to the hospital. Covered in sweat Cecelia slammed the ward doors open and was greeted with a sight. Mikael was covered in the dreaded white shroud. For the second time in months she felt that delicate heart breaking that she had to stand the sight of him lying motionless knowing he would never sit up again. The doctor came in and told her, "he was already having heart disease for so long." and passed a note to her. It read in such beautiful italics...

"I don't know when you'll get to read this, or if you ever will. I had my reasons and if you get to read this, you'll understand. I'm really sorry. I miss you badly... I can't wait to see you again. I love you"


Cecelia broke up with John. She knew that even if she could find a man that made her happy, it'll never be the same again. It'll never replace that one man that could bring her happiness.

Black rose.

They say, every rose has its thorns. Where beauty and perfection lies, hides pain and suffering. Something like that. I know i can give much, much more than compared to now, which is barely...half? My emotions are thick and heavy. And worse still, i've been dyed black. It's no wonder that i rarely confide in people and rather keep things to myself.

Just had a dream...that in the month of august, a separation will occur again. It's linked to so much anger and hatred... And i've a feeling i know who it is. It'll spark off so much emotions, so much suppressed feelings that possibly, circles of people could be affected. Well...i'm trying all i can to stop it. It's gonna come anyway...

My emotions change so quickly. And worse still...i haven't fully confronted my past hurt that now whenever i have feelings for another person, i can't fully...love that person. Never could from young anyways. Always feeling numbed, disappointed, frustrated and angry. And feeling like i can't confide because people leave me advice, and not lend me their heart. As quoted, i don't need a defender, just a soulful listener. I need something that can release my feelings properly, and not unleash them in that destructive way that landed me in the hospital. It's not love, and i'm starting to lose hope in it too. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of feeling like i'm doing everything. Most of all...i'm tired of knowing that i'm not strong enough to support so many people.

Sigh.

"I had never met such a person like you. Somehow, you could catch my attention everytime you walked past me. Maybe it was just a silly me, hoping for the impossible. But i guess i see forever in us...

Love left me hurt and crying, now that i see you, you just make me happy and want to stand up again. One problem, i'm too shy to approach you... I know one thing...i would blush ever deeply in your vicinity.

To you, i would be just another boy in the crowd who was mesmerized . Just someone that stands with the rest and simply thinks of you everyday, waiting to see , and always hoping.

See that? I'm jumping up and down trying to catch your attention. You're really cute you know that? Such a sweet girl, ever rare with so many suitors. I'm just a face in the crowd...

You are simply beautiful to me. Hey, who knows. We could actually have something real between us? Please give me a reply...it's driving me crazy that i'm missing you and you're not the least bit about me.

Smile always they say, but whenever i see you playing and laughing with another guy, i get jealous >< even thought you're not mine...and just that one day. I had to repeat the first word of each paragraph...to you. Its ridiculously cheesy but accept me please?"

All i can hope is cross my heart and hope for the best. Where's the reaasurance? Where's the person i thought i could trust and rely on? I don't know. And i'm lost...
I put too much priority into relationships. Today...is the anniversary. Who am i kidding~ why am i still thinking back? Every minute is a reminder of exactly a year ago, everything that happened. I first met her. The day that led me to become, me. Every minute is excruciating. And people ask why i look so tired today. It didn't pass quickly at all, but every minute feels like an hour. A scar that reminds me why i failed in a relationship so badly. The first. The person that no matter...i'll still turn back if you do. Kai Yoon made some sense. Love may fade but it will never go.Now i wonder...how has your year been?

Horrible day. Not feeling well, dead tired and so much work to do. Tomorrow is the longest day ever. Plus oral practice. As with my emotions now...i feel as if everything is crap. I'm just watching, bearing through things. I haven't heard someone tell me, 'things will be fine' in the longest time. I want and desperately need that kind of reaasurance. Once i recover, only more heartless and cold...

I lost my perception of time, feels like an hour where a minute passes and a minute when an hour passes. Right from wrong, the hundred racing thoughts excite and break me down. I started to lose sight of who is there for me and who's not. I'm playing with emotions again, not to change others. This time, to find myself again.

Talk about breaking down. If not for glenson, weihan derrick jian xun yikang kaiyoon, i would be so damn quiet today. I don't think i would have even said a word. Too bad i have to be the person needy of feelings, so reliant. So many things to worry, to mind, so many people to handle, so many events to attend. My feelings are grinded down to bare nothing. Especially today where i don't know what to feel at all. Another reason why i should not enter a relationship. My emotions are the problem.

I have this kind of emotions too. It's not messy. It's catastrophic.

Past of me in you.

Re reading my previous blog at all-in-mayday.blogspot.com , and comparing it with the feelings i went through today, i can say something safely. I'm the kind to change emotions quickly, but if they stay on a person, it's gonna last till it kills me. But now even if my feelings are serious, it can still be taken by another without any form of acknowledgement,like as if the person needs to tell me they feel the same way for me to be held down. It always feels that someone else can easily claim the place unless there's something to hold me down. I'm a free spirited kind of person, with super heavy emotions, dark logic and even darker memories. I'm not flying far these few days~ yeah. I need someone to rely on badly. I care too hard and the irony is that my feelings end while caring for the person. I'm a huge ball of problems at the start. Not worth it to be fought for any way i see myself. I give up fast too. Too many things to worry about a person, related to a person. And most of all, if i feel as if things aren't gonna work out. Mine is burning out exceptionally fast. Another friend faces a break away. Another faces pressure. Facing suicide. Facing depression. Facing...all that. I have to give myself a break i swear...

From dream makes i saw a phrase that touched me to no end
"Cherish the loved ones you have today, even if it's just a small hug because i can't do it anymore even if i wanted to"
-Yu Fan

"You see that thing you love so much? Good. It will be gone any second now, what would you do?"
Reminds me of how i didn't cherish. How i forever thought i was correct, thought my logic was the centre of the world just because i could be impartial most of the time. I see now... That same logic cost me nearly my sanity. Now it relies on others, being quite reliable just because it's what people say. That's my impartial now. Your own words will become a double-edged sword. Tell me you love her, then hurt her. A fine example~

i'm seriously tired i guess. I got angry at her for the first time. It's that familiar bittersweet feeling. That reminds me i don't wanna lose important people anymore. That...i shouldn't make her that important. I don't even dare take the next step. I know i'm gonna lose someone in the end.

The first time.

"The first time i walked, people around me were cheering. They were happy.

The first word i spoke, people were encouraging me, telling me to go on.

The first word i wrote, was insight to how far i would go. People pinned hopes on me.

The first birthday i celebrated, i was the centre of attention.

The first lessons i took, people started looking, judging.

The first time i fell, people laughed, some stopped to help.

The first time i cried, it was dark and lonely, and my heart broke.

The first time i felt a friend, i teared, that was what i needed.

The first time i failed, i was down but people pushed me on.

The first time i was overwhelmed, nobody was there to listen to my feelings.

The first love i had, i fell so deeply that i couldn't get out.

The first argument i had, i was shattered and emotional.

The first time i took things into my own hands, i would never get to mourn again.
-Because by then, this first time would also be my last."