Rp

So today is... The day of the performance. Aaron and Glenson are staying over ahh so crowded my room>< i really hope tomorrow will pass well...

After taking the job at ma maison i see how it changed me. I start to lose myself in work. I'm losing myself slowly because i am forced to smile, a huge difference from who i feel i am. Sigh...
And i still miss her. Ahh

Tiring today~

Wasn't such a fantastic day today. Got a little emotional being affected by Elle. She's right, which girl would wait a whole year for her guy in NS? That instant made me wonder. If i can ever get a girlfriend would she wait? Somehow i rather she not. I mean i'm not near a prime choice. Wait for what? I'd rather she found someone who knows how to keep her happy and make sure she is alright than...make her wait and fret over me. Seeing so many couples with the guy in NS usually end in separation i start to question. Is this loyalty even there when you promised forever? Maybe that's why i never ever dared to promise forever until i'm that sure of the person. Up till now. Only one person i've said forever for..
It's been about a year. I finally found my feelings buried so deep into superficialities. They are still going so strong, like the first embers of a fireplace ready to rekindle at the first chance. I still feel that urge to run up to her and fall into her arms to feel safe all over again like a child. I'm pretty sick of feelings alone and being with people who can't make me feel the least secure. I'm a human am i not? I need that missed sense of security too.

Felt so uneasy today. I don't know why. Maybe it was seeing Elle down that affected me or... Remembering who needs to be with the branch. It is and it will be shorthanded if Aaron leaves. I don't know how to remedy this. A peak hour for LOW crowd is kind of stressing me. I can't know for sure if i can handle peak hours tomorrow. Plus i'm falling sick. Plus my half prepared dance performance on sunday. Who wouldn't be annoyed...

I miss you. I never thought i'd say this eer again. I can never ever lie about that 3 words because its reserved only for the closest to me. Yeah...i really do.

Ahh

When i saw your name in my notification i can only rememer suddenly wanting to break down. Just run to you and just hug
you. I still feel like a child around you. Your name shot me hard and almost made me lose my ground all over again. I have so much to ask you. I have so much to tell you. How were you? What happened? I just had to resist so hard... So excited all over again so confused so...turmoiled. Then it numbed down again. And then... I feel so scared and like what not.

See how and see now. I get worried for other people because i truly knew how it feels to be submerged in those emotions for a long time enough for it to develop such an abomination of a personality. And hell i don't want it to happen to anybody.. So that takes priority over everything else. I hate it when i am concerned and worried about somebody and they tell me ' oh i'll be fine'. I really hate that statement.

Today was weird. I feel too...empty.

Day 2

With so many states passing through my mind so quickly for so long, after a while i sort of lost this identity of mine. I became numb, accepting change as it is. Resigning to fate.

Always questioning why i was so weak. Why i was so needy. Why i was so useless sometimes. I'm clumsy. I'm not romantic. I can't date for shit i can't do any good what the hell am i here for
Then i met Elle. My co-worker, she is intruiging to no ends. A cheerleader, volleyballer, guitarist model and what not. She had so much more than me and only what...3 years my senior? Somehow she became an inspiration. Turns out me and her, her sister shares many similar passions. I foresee...interesting work days?

Today was my first time experiencing a crowd. I screwed up bad... Ahh. But Victor and Elle were always there to encourage me. I tried my very best not to screw up despite this annoying headache... Mehhh. Elle had to spoil when she said today was low crowd. I am PETRIFIED for Christmas and weekends. I foresee...no rest ahh T^T

I'm becoming really numbed to everything. Emotions seem foreign to me now...love seems alien to my brain. But attachments linger. Seems my brain and my heart is always quarreling and i'm losing to the byproduct. At least i can immerse myself in work and forget about that and what not and whatever irritates me always. I'm such an impatient person.

Perhaps if i wasn't this weak i wouldn't force love. I don't know... I feel numbed but also very, very scared.

Loveluck

Another night feeling left out in the open so vulnerable and weak. I wish i could control my emotions better than this but... Ahh. It's much better than back then anyway.

I feel really stupid for needing anybody. I'm a guy. I should be depending on myself and allowing others to depend on me. Then i think back...i've kind of forgotten what it feels like to have someone to lean on. Every night i face my past of two people and now facing it alone just sucks. I don't want him back. I...think i'm slowly losing.

The workplace immersed me into an interesting environment. Everyone has a story behind them. A real, hard story that forced them where they are. Some to support their family, some to feed themselves. But whatever the reason, one day in service line was enough to jolt me to this reality; nobody is going to be spared if you are not willing to lose.

I wonder sometimes. When is love ever going to find me again? When will i be lucky enough to feel lucky to have somebody? In that way of course. I never ever needed her to be that pretty, just presentable. Just a little more mature than me and just...her. Such high expectations i have...

He's back.

You don't see the demons coming, sneaking up again. A withered hand covers your eyes as they whisper into your ear 'Succumb...i'll give you eternal peace'. You scream and fight and struggle. You know you're getting weaker as the night grows mature. You know you're feeling lonlier and ever more scared. The other devils play horrid imaginative scenes, putrid screams as they throw you into your hell surrounded by your nightmares. Behind the horde stands a single person. He is no demon but he is their master. He is the strongest. He is your mirror, your evil and dark, your weakness. He has your strengths and knows how to handle you, especially which demon to throw to you. The torture, the first night of hallucination, the second night of terror. The third of transformation, the fourth he will savour. He feeds on your weakness, growing as you weaken. You need someone to rely on now you cannot fight anymore. More he takes until he becomes you. Until he becomes strong enough to come out again as a personality. He does things others consider heartless and ruthless. He is the opposite of who you are.

He taunts you of your loss, how each could have not been if you weren't so weak. He sniggers at your falls, which couldn't be prevented as he trips you. Day by day he strips you of that hope you wield, every minute fiercer the temptation to yield. You dare not sleep, you try to hide. You shut out the world in futility to shut him up. And you watch him eat your soul to take your place. The devils chain you up, battered and weak. The mocking laugh is all around but you are too weak to even open an eye. You swear and curse and pray for this life to end.

Suddenly the night is over and you jump awake. You heave a sigh of relieve but that air will never go...because he will be back again tonight. Stronger. Better. Faster. And yourself...a step closer to losing all control. Maybe with the light of another you may win. But even so, he will thrash to make himself escape and make sure...only one king can exist in that body.



For the past year. Especially at this time last year. This was how i felt everynight. I don't understand why it's coming back to me now...why am i still mourning? Why do i still miss her this hard? Is it even natural for feelings to last this long under the circumstances...

Injured and happy

Pretty much spent the whole of today recuperating and alone. My knee is pretty much unbendable and my left hand unclenchable. Slammed into the wall at the rink when this idiot suddenly lashed out his arm and to avoid hitting another kid. Ah...at pretty much full speed too. Can't walk properly. Not to mention the blisters that come.. Thank God i'm me. I recover super fast :P

Was thinking about...finding a girlfriend. OKAY. I thought the day away what would happen if i had one. All...nightmarish thoughts. I guess i'm truly afraid to fall again. I try to convince myself that i don't need one. I just need someone to rely on. Wouldn't that be friends with benefits? What on earth. Then i think if a certain someone was to really become my girlfriend. Too unrealistic. Such a stupid wreck of me...
There are a few people i find really attractive but only one has all my expectations. I still care about her hard but... I try not.

The pains of tomorrow too much to bear,
The burdens of yesterday too big to share.
I just wanna sleep it all away~