It's been quite awhile since i felt the pressure of things on me. So much this time. I have fragments of the past coming back, i have commitments now and i have worries and hopes of the future all crashing into me tonight.
It's not every night that the past and my old nicknames tickles the scars i have. The way i am now i'd love to go back and punch myself in the face. Why'd i choose to be a playboy before? Maybe it was to find myself maybe it was for a sadistic satisfaction but i can never answer to myself anymore and all that's left that i can actually do is to forgive myself. Maybe i'll need a little more time on this. I was an emotionless creature once. Like nothing would impress me and nothing could knock me down and only my memories of her would stir the mess inside. Everytime i think of her, or someone reminds me of her i actually still think what i could have done, then i remember that what matters is she is happy now. That aside. I keep reminding myself of my old flaws. I have enough now and they're still there. And things i should have done. I'm sick of having people take advantage of me and i'm really sick of being a middleman. What do i get out of that? One sided appreciation, or dual-sided anger.
Then now. PDS is starting to weigh heavily on me. I don't fucking understand why you would be so fucking anal about letting a weaker team enter the school. It is MY training. I don't need to go to you but no i gave you face over and over again. After you go, then i'll revive the unit. All for your worthless face infront of your girlfriend. Too bad she hasn't seen what you done. Should i replay them?
Plus work. I have a nice manager no doubt but a few condescending coworkers and it sucks to work. I'm starting to dread work... Just when i began to be interested again.
Then the future. I'm uncertain about everything. Where i should go what i should do who should i go to and this feeling sucks. but it's something i have to learn to handle. Its a milestone for me. I'll work out every last detail and i'll make things work. One day i'll turn back and say i've conquered that future.
Doesn't change the fact i'mfeeling like shit. It's really a nostalgic feeling. This one that i might succumb to the pressure and i'd like to, for once have someone proper to lean on. I don't want to meet someone that's gonna be like, 'hey i'm here and i'm gone' hell no. That's why i really hate being close to people. That feeling when things turn sour...urgh. I want to meet someone that will choose to stay for a long time. I don't want to spend time and time over again familiarising myself with other people. Just maybe i'll meet someone who wants to be with me? Or even more. Takes the initiative.
Don't really like how my mind is all over the place. Just gonna sleep or shit...
Tuesday, 11 March 2014
Saturday, 8 March 2014
The man in the straight jacket
"So can i ask Mr Thompson what actually happened in the house?" The police hauls in a huge man accused of mass murdering who sits before them, laughing to himself.
"So how would you know how it feels, to have a good life. A good family. A steady household and stable bonds. And lose them all in an instant? Maybe i should try it to you too. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I'm not crazy... I'm normal. I can remember the past see? I still can tell you what happened. Believe me i'm not mad...
I think my papa done something. Something bad. The local mafia were always banging on our door. Loud. So loud. They would scream and shout in all the funny tongues. My father would always hide behind the bed shivering. Bad. He say he owed them money. Much money. I didn't understand. But they would always stop on Sundays. Papa would go out with mommy somewhere and i would be left alone in the house. I like being alone. I get to think and laugh and no one would shout at me. My younger brother would play hide and seek up and down two stories of the house and it was so fun. Then monday come. The screaming starts again. I go to school and the kids laugh me. I am so big and ugly. I don't like the kids. I want to kill them but the pretty teacher says it is bad and i don't want to be a bad boy. So i laugh with them but i am still sad. Hehe. I like this girl. She is pretty. I like pretty girls.'
"This guy is fucking ridiculous. What the hell is going on in his head?!?" Inspector watches through the CCTV that watches his room. "Why the fuck is he telling us his story?!"
'2 years. So fast pass. I go big school. So many people in big school. People are still laughing at me i don't know why. I am still sad. I go home and always feel so empty like this monster ate my heart. One Sunday i wake up. The whole house is empty. But it's too empty. I slowly walk out of my room. Drip...drip... I hear. I slowly walk to the kitchen. I see blood all over the walls. I run up to the living room to hide. I see man kicking papa's body and taking off mummy's clothes and throwing her around. I get so angry i run back into kitchen and take a chopper. I stab him many times. I keep stabbing him until my skin is all red. my ceiling is red. The walls are all red. People in blue shirt charge into the house with small gun shouting. I am scared and i run faster. I stab and stab until their blue shirt turn red. I kick and i swing and i break their heads and i'm having a bad headache i'm screaming and i'm crying i don't understand. I don't remember...'
-By now the man is crying and sniggering to himself-
'Suddenly i wake up in funny jacket. I cannot move. I can hear my papa calling me to join him. I should go join him'
The man shoots his head up and his eyes roll back. He emits a blood-curdling scream as blood spews from his mouth onto the CCTV camera blocking out the view.
People rush into the room to stop him. By now almost everyone in the observatory room is crying from shock or vomiting in disgust.
"Sir the man has bitten his tongue and he is losing blood too fa-"
-ARGHHH-
"Papa tell my to bring friends along. I should bring some people along"
By the time the inspector got to the room, his best men were all killed by bite wounds to their neck. All by a man in a straight jacket.
"So how would you know how it feels, to have a good life. A good family. A steady household and stable bonds. And lose them all in an instant? Maybe i should try it to you too. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I'm not crazy... I'm normal. I can remember the past see? I still can tell you what happened. Believe me i'm not mad...
I think my papa done something. Something bad. The local mafia were always banging on our door. Loud. So loud. They would scream and shout in all the funny tongues. My father would always hide behind the bed shivering. Bad. He say he owed them money. Much money. I didn't understand. But they would always stop on Sundays. Papa would go out with mommy somewhere and i would be left alone in the house. I like being alone. I get to think and laugh and no one would shout at me. My younger brother would play hide and seek up and down two stories of the house and it was so fun. Then monday come. The screaming starts again. I go to school and the kids laugh me. I am so big and ugly. I don't like the kids. I want to kill them but the pretty teacher says it is bad and i don't want to be a bad boy. So i laugh with them but i am still sad. Hehe. I like this girl. She is pretty. I like pretty girls.'
"This guy is fucking ridiculous. What the hell is going on in his head?!?" Inspector watches through the CCTV that watches his room. "Why the fuck is he telling us his story?!"
'2 years. So fast pass. I go big school. So many people in big school. People are still laughing at me i don't know why. I am still sad. I go home and always feel so empty like this monster ate my heart. One Sunday i wake up. The whole house is empty. But it's too empty. I slowly walk out of my room. Drip...drip... I hear. I slowly walk to the kitchen. I see blood all over the walls. I run up to the living room to hide. I see man kicking papa's body and taking off mummy's clothes and throwing her around. I get so angry i run back into kitchen and take a chopper. I stab him many times. I keep stabbing him until my skin is all red. my ceiling is red. The walls are all red. People in blue shirt charge into the house with small gun shouting. I am scared and i run faster. I stab and stab until their blue shirt turn red. I kick and i swing and i break their heads and i'm having a bad headache i'm screaming and i'm crying i don't understand. I don't remember...'
-By now the man is crying and sniggering to himself-
'Suddenly i wake up in funny jacket. I cannot move. I can hear my papa calling me to join him. I should go join him'
The man shoots his head up and his eyes roll back. He emits a blood-curdling scream as blood spews from his mouth onto the CCTV camera blocking out the view.
People rush into the room to stop him. By now almost everyone in the observatory room is crying from shock or vomiting in disgust.
"Sir the man has bitten his tongue and he is losing blood too fa-"
-ARGHHH-
"Papa tell my to bring friends along. I should bring some people along"
By the time the inspector got to the room, his best men were all killed by bite wounds to their neck. All by a man in a straight jacket.
Because PDS is so fun
'If you get there before i do, don't give up on me...'
So... Yesterday's playlist is moody. All the love songs are on replay and no i'm not talking about the happy ones anytime soon. Songs like Just Once and Vincent and and and Sometimes When We Touch. Mind you those are all oldies. Just fitting for a tiring day. It's been so long since i had to wake at 7? Rush out to buy breakfast( rare again) and take a half an hour bus ride to my favourite school( ever rarer cos it made me go low on card value damn :P) and I swear training with a shoulder injury feels like the worse thing ever. I still haven't got my jeup hook and M-hook proper and i still gotta perfect my drills. I have a week left and hopefully by next monday my drills can improve again. The nights of planning all went to waste.. But hopefully their plan turns out fine. Not that i would mind the plan failing but it's their first competition in PDS and i hope for them to at least get a good position. Then i had to remember that heyyyyy..... Peirce. I'm devoting so much time into PDS and i don't even know why. Guess i'm really that passionate heh :P i'm still skeptical about my schooI because all the days of the week will be training days and should they overstrain themselves before the prelims, that is no news to bear. feel really worried too... The other team's first time will be facing off with schools like Springfield, Yishun Town and Bukit Panjang. The pinnacles of the PDS teams. I wonder...
Man i'm kind of scared that they may freak out. That they may slip because of the crowd pressure. That... They may even blank out. I think i might need to play the bad guy...? I can't even bear to raise my voice to a girl what more a team.
Why am i so worried anyways. I still have work. I have school starting real soon. And i have one more problem nibbling at me sigh... Its kinda all fun and games until you see the magnitude of the future tasks stacking on your back.
And here is where i get a little weird. I start think about the carefully planned social and cultural structures around the world and then i think back to( okay more like imagine) the stone ages. Humans had problems but they were willing to solve it with their head(literally maybe) and there were no laws and everyone were free.
Then someone made the fire. Someone made a container. Someone counted. Someone spoke. Someone agreed to get a lot of people into towns. And that someone had to think of something that could control the people in order to keep peace and his town prospering. Then i start thinking about well... The society now. We have so many problems but why not go back to how it was all solved? No restrictions of society. No fear of judgement. It's little wonder eh. Raise your voice in public and you're a ruffian. A little splay of violence and you're a vulgar gangster. People now choose to hide behind screens and fight. Now people use wealth, power and influence do their dirty stuff. But really whoever the hell you are. Everyone is born a human and dies a human and no life is worth lesser than another. Quite appaling how no one believes in that statement anymore.
Let's take a simple sentence of proof that this restriction of society is prevalent.
How well you do in your studies determines your worth in society. Psychologically and literally.
Too many people are trained to work and not to think especially in Singapore. I don't remember seeing Primary school kids carrying bags bigger than themselves anywhere else in the world.
All that talk and i still can't get myself out of one thing. I still can't stop worrying about someone damnn. She improved so much and so quickly it scares me a little. I don't want her to injure herself like how i did in the past. Sure it makes you imprve fast but... Not over such a long period.
And hey. I'm still a teenager no matter how old my head screams i am. Infatuations are bound to come. I don't want to rant to anyone cos it'll br so weird so i'll do it here. I still find her so cute *~* and her voice. Damn. The way her hair curls. Sweet. Okay now i sound like a stalker GAHAHA. It always started when i hear her being bullied. Maybe i like to be the knight in shining armor :P
So... Yesterday's playlist is moody. All the love songs are on replay and no i'm not talking about the happy ones anytime soon. Songs like Just Once and Vincent and and and Sometimes When We Touch. Mind you those are all oldies. Just fitting for a tiring day. It's been so long since i had to wake at 7? Rush out to buy breakfast( rare again) and take a half an hour bus ride to my favourite school( ever rarer cos it made me go low on card value damn :P) and I swear training with a shoulder injury feels like the worse thing ever. I still haven't got my jeup hook and M-hook proper and i still gotta perfect my drills. I have a week left and hopefully by next monday my drills can improve again. The nights of planning all went to waste.. But hopefully their plan turns out fine. Not that i would mind the plan failing but it's their first competition in PDS and i hope for them to at least get a good position. Then i had to remember that heyyyyy..... Peirce. I'm devoting so much time into PDS and i don't even know why. Guess i'm really that passionate heh :P i'm still skeptical about my schooI because all the days of the week will be training days and should they overstrain themselves before the prelims, that is no news to bear. feel really worried too... The other team's first time will be facing off with schools like Springfield, Yishun Town and Bukit Panjang. The pinnacles of the PDS teams. I wonder...
Man i'm kind of scared that they may freak out. That they may slip because of the crowd pressure. That... They may even blank out. I think i might need to play the bad guy...? I can't even bear to raise my voice to a girl what more a team.
Why am i so worried anyways. I still have work. I have school starting real soon. And i have one more problem nibbling at me sigh... Its kinda all fun and games until you see the magnitude of the future tasks stacking on your back.
And here is where i get a little weird. I start think about the carefully planned social and cultural structures around the world and then i think back to( okay more like imagine) the stone ages. Humans had problems but they were willing to solve it with their head(literally maybe) and there were no laws and everyone were free.
Then someone made the fire. Someone made a container. Someone counted. Someone spoke. Someone agreed to get a lot of people into towns. And that someone had to think of something that could control the people in order to keep peace and his town prospering. Then i start thinking about well... The society now. We have so many problems but why not go back to how it was all solved? No restrictions of society. No fear of judgement. It's little wonder eh. Raise your voice in public and you're a ruffian. A little splay of violence and you're a vulgar gangster. People now choose to hide behind screens and fight. Now people use wealth, power and influence do their dirty stuff. But really whoever the hell you are. Everyone is born a human and dies a human and no life is worth lesser than another. Quite appaling how no one believes in that statement anymore.
Let's take a simple sentence of proof that this restriction of society is prevalent.
How well you do in your studies determines your worth in society. Psychologically and literally.
Too many people are trained to work and not to think especially in Singapore. I don't remember seeing Primary school kids carrying bags bigger than themselves anywhere else in the world.
All that talk and i still can't get myself out of one thing. I still can't stop worrying about someone damnn. She improved so much and so quickly it scares me a little. I don't want her to injure herself like how i did in the past. Sure it makes you imprve fast but... Not over such a long period.
And hey. I'm still a teenager no matter how old my head screams i am. Infatuations are bound to come. I don't want to rant to anyone cos it'll br so weird so i'll do it here. I still find her so cute *~* and her voice. Damn. The way her hair curls. Sweet. Okay now i sound like a stalker GAHAHA. It always started when i hear her being bullied. Maybe i like to be the knight in shining armor :P
Monday, 3 March 2014
What satisfies
I think that for someone to be happy he must first have his fair share of pain, then his fair share of humility. Happiness without appreciation is simply a state of high, happiness without restraint is plain arrogance. Because one cannot exist without the other like there would be no happiness if there were no suffering. But i feel that that suffering is subject to perspective. A spoilt child would be angry when not given the things she wants but a hungry man will be satisfied with a small but given meal. I think that because it's singapore that so many kids have such high expectations. Come one, you see toddlers meddling with Ipads and iphones. Every batch of kids are more and more sheltered and spoilt that even a little sauce of the side of a plate is seen as an abomination of a stain. I seen people complaining that they do not have enough to buy MacDonalds but back then i was still pretty opinionless. Until i worked and i saw this man. Honestly and in no way discriminatory, he is mentally retarded and I have never seen him take his meal before. Instead he would pack it. I asked out of curiosity and his reply was to pack it for his mother. Kind of makes you think... I mean if you really have financial problems and you're complaining about lack of food, no complaints there but about not having mac? That's plain shitty. Major turnoff i swear. This man is mentally unstable and he is the one sent to work. I really wonder how his family is like.. So i always want to think twice before uttering words like 'i have no money to buy luxuries'
Then ever since starting work in Central this hit me real hard. If you can't be happy alone you damned as hell won't be happy with someone. How true... Because at the end of the day. When you close your eyes for the night your heart plays behind the eyelids and while it's true that someone else can be your companion but the pain felt will be only be by yourself. So i think that maybe only when you can really tell yourself that the past still affects but its not going to pull the future, only then maybe you're ready. I think i might be. And once that comes you hell better be ready to put down the past. I remembered how i started working and i would see someone really attractive sometimes and my mind would just play images of you know... Maybe i got her number and maybe we would date and maybe maybe. But that always dragged back to a certain someone and i had my mood spoiled and my day ruined but as time went, not so much, no more and now i'm free. Sure thinking back nibbles me a little from time to time but i'm dying to see new. Seems i threw a lot out of my mind for this.
15th and 29th march. I'm losing sleep for this. The PDS competitions are coming up and i think i'm even more anxious than the competitors. Well i'm training myself( getting myself injured much too) harder than usual because... I don't know how i can teach the other school. They are comparatively weaker and slower and some even i believe is burdening the team. What am i to do... There's training tomorrow. Mayday's concert is tomorrow... Fuck. I really wanna go.
Man.. Drank too much soup and slept. Feeling like shit now.
Then ever since starting work in Central this hit me real hard. If you can't be happy alone you damned as hell won't be happy with someone. How true... Because at the end of the day. When you close your eyes for the night your heart plays behind the eyelids and while it's true that someone else can be your companion but the pain felt will be only be by yourself. So i think that maybe only when you can really tell yourself that the past still affects but its not going to pull the future, only then maybe you're ready. I think i might be. And once that comes you hell better be ready to put down the past. I remembered how i started working and i would see someone really attractive sometimes and my mind would just play images of you know... Maybe i got her number and maybe we would date and maybe maybe. But that always dragged back to a certain someone and i had my mood spoiled and my day ruined but as time went, not so much, no more and now i'm free. Sure thinking back nibbles me a little from time to time but i'm dying to see new. Seems i threw a lot out of my mind for this.
15th and 29th march. I'm losing sleep for this. The PDS competitions are coming up and i think i'm even more anxious than the competitors. Well i'm training myself( getting myself injured much too) harder than usual because... I don't know how i can teach the other school. They are comparatively weaker and slower and some even i believe is burdening the team. What am i to do... There's training tomorrow. Mayday's concert is tomorrow... Fuck. I really wanna go.
Man.. Drank too much soup and slept. Feeling like shit now.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Vagrant's life?
I think it's pretty sad when someone is still holding on to something in the past, whether they want to or not. I mean, it's too late to go back and change it and it's also a huge, daunting task to go forward and try again.
I kind of wonder, does anybody actually read this? If you do tell me about it please. I want feedback :P
As i was saying. I seen a few souls who still had the eyes of the unyielding. They refused to let go and... I tried but i was of no help. I guess that drew me into my shell again... I started thinking back.
I remembered how i didn't want to hurt you in te future so i chose to end the bond there and then. I knew this would happen to me and i didn't want to drag you down with me. It hurt me the most ever since that, and made me choose to become a hermit. For a good 3 months i avoided any form of mass social contact and i looked into myself, where i went wrong and where needed adjustments. Instead i found all the revelations i needed years back to save myself from going down that suicidal road and now they become my commandments, my philosophy to follow for the next of decades. I feel i matured a lot more, mellowed alot more too. And i found a big glitch in myself, my feelings and who i am conflicts. I am of 'Inwards' in terms of nature but my feelings are the explosive 'Outwards'. Maybe this is the challenge of a Libra to maintain balance between the two extremities. I also forged a different side of me, strangely enough i found a fatherly figure in me. But... I have no use for that and i'd prefer to travel the world a vagrant.
I wanna live this life. I'm travelling the world neither rich nor poor, just the passer by with a girl that wants to see the world with me by my side. I'd spend my innermost moments with someone, yes. Maybe that'd balance me when i'm turning inside out on nights. Then when i've had enough to vagrancy i'd settle down. Find a proper job and probably have... 2 kids? By this time i would be an old man. Maybe i would have even forgotten about this blog. Maybe 30 years down the road i'll read this again? Hi to the future me.
Yeah i started thinking back. And i started planning ahead too. I guess this means i've finally, and barely moved on. I feel this light. It's fun and playful, like a feather in the breeze. I guess i'm soon enough ready to start mixing around again... Now that school is starting. I actually kind of, want to find a girlfriend. I don't know if i can support her though... So many things i still gotta buy first. Hehe
I kind of wonder, does anybody actually read this? If you do tell me about it please. I want feedback :P
As i was saying. I seen a few souls who still had the eyes of the unyielding. They refused to let go and... I tried but i was of no help. I guess that drew me into my shell again... I started thinking back.
I remembered how i didn't want to hurt you in te future so i chose to end the bond there and then. I knew this would happen to me and i didn't want to drag you down with me. It hurt me the most ever since that, and made me choose to become a hermit. For a good 3 months i avoided any form of mass social contact and i looked into myself, where i went wrong and where needed adjustments. Instead i found all the revelations i needed years back to save myself from going down that suicidal road and now they become my commandments, my philosophy to follow for the next of decades. I feel i matured a lot more, mellowed alot more too. And i found a big glitch in myself, my feelings and who i am conflicts. I am of 'Inwards' in terms of nature but my feelings are the explosive 'Outwards'. Maybe this is the challenge of a Libra to maintain balance between the two extremities. I also forged a different side of me, strangely enough i found a fatherly figure in me. But... I have no use for that and i'd prefer to travel the world a vagrant.
I wanna live this life. I'm travelling the world neither rich nor poor, just the passer by with a girl that wants to see the world with me by my side. I'd spend my innermost moments with someone, yes. Maybe that'd balance me when i'm turning inside out on nights. Then when i've had enough to vagrancy i'd settle down. Find a proper job and probably have... 2 kids? By this time i would be an old man. Maybe i would have even forgotten about this blog. Maybe 30 years down the road i'll read this again? Hi to the future me.
Yeah i started thinking back. And i started planning ahead too. I guess this means i've finally, and barely moved on. I feel this light. It's fun and playful, like a feather in the breeze. I guess i'm soon enough ready to start mixing around again... Now that school is starting. I actually kind of, want to find a girlfriend. I don't know if i can support her though... So many things i still gotta buy first. Hehe
Monday, 10 February 2014
I'm bored.
I really, really miss the feeling of being alive.
Being madly in love. Feeling the bloodthirst of anger. The lust of sexual want. The thrill of danger. The satisfaction of sadism. The high of thievery. The rush of fist fights.
I mean those are some of the things that take me off that numb and make me feel really alive, like there's something worth fighting for sometimes. Especially the first and the third. Damn...those two are really strong i'm a little afraid people will be able to notice when they reach their peaks because it kind of leaks of me.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not the kind that when i'm tempted i'll go out if my way to hurt others for it since I've finally gotten full control of my emotions(Thank god thank whoever thank me) and him and i came to this point i miss the highs and lows. And i've gotten over certain things too. But somehow i'm still not ready to meet people, to open up to them just yet. I think i might be still too lazy. Come on. I had a chance with someone but i just let it slip. I know i had full control of things this time. Man...i need more time for myself. Even work is starting to bore me to the bone. Naturally i'll look for higher highs and lower lows when i'm bored of the current ones. Strange how that when i think back to pass mistakes, it stings real hard, but it also makes me want it again. Ah... There's definitely something wrong with me.
This time. That feeling of curiosity towards a new someone is welling up again. I hope it develops into love and not its flipside.
Being madly in love. Feeling the bloodthirst of anger. The lust of sexual want. The thrill of danger. The satisfaction of sadism. The high of thievery. The rush of fist fights.
I mean those are some of the things that take me off that numb and make me feel really alive, like there's something worth fighting for sometimes. Especially the first and the third. Damn...those two are really strong i'm a little afraid people will be able to notice when they reach their peaks because it kind of leaks of me.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not the kind that when i'm tempted i'll go out if my way to hurt others for it since I've finally gotten full control of my emotions(Thank god thank whoever thank me) and him and i came to this point i miss the highs and lows. And i've gotten over certain things too. But somehow i'm still not ready to meet people, to open up to them just yet. I think i might be still too lazy. Come on. I had a chance with someone but i just let it slip. I know i had full control of things this time. Man...i need more time for myself. Even work is starting to bore me to the bone. Naturally i'll look for higher highs and lower lows when i'm bored of the current ones. Strange how that when i think back to pass mistakes, it stings real hard, but it also makes me want it again. Ah... There's definitely something wrong with me.
This time. That feeling of curiosity towards a new someone is welling up again. I hope it develops into love and not its flipside.
Wednesday, 5 February 2014
Hermit.
Stupid dream. It takes alot to scare me like that and this was able to wake me with chills.
It was about this boy around the age of 4? He was playing with the other kids all right. But his eyes, the aura he gave off was different. There was this melancholy about him that when he wanted to play with the other kids they group away from him instinctively.This scared me, that when he was alone after the day he stared of into space, thinking...and those eyes. Those were the same as a war veteran. So much hateful intent and jealousy. It was the eyes of clarity, of someone who was taught to lament about things he couldn't come to understand in at least a decade. Then...it hit me that somehow i could understand that little boy and why he felt that way. I forgotten the last time my heart softened so much. Something similar went through me and i knew somehow my mindset was much, much more different from the rest. I was never meant to settle. I know deep down now that i'm a hermit. Someone that enjoys lonliness. I guess my joy will be travelling the world alone, seeing the world myself and living alone until my heart says otherwise. I've learnt so much alone and as much i would want someone to be with me i don't think they would want to have such a precarious lifestyle. I mean, it is really tiring for me even when i travel around for long what more someone who's already accustomed to settlement. I move around learning from everything i see, my teachers are what i see and what other's would call me crazy for. A pebble teaches me about fortitude and silence while a bird in the sky teaches me about survival and freedom. A flowing river teaches me to hold my emotions and that things will keep on changing while the stars tell me that no matter what, whether you can see them or not they will always be there. Who said you ever need human teachers when you have these professors everywhere?
It's nice being educated by education, but i think it's more important to learn about the world than the math infront of you. One day tacts and a glib tongue will be more useful to save your life than using athrimethics infront of people ready to harm.
An old quote once said this
"So many people forget to look up in the sky once in a while to slow down and see that life is passing by you faster than you keep time" -Unknown
I spend every night after work to sit by the river to think and that makes me grow. I spent so many years thinking already...i think if i ever wrote them down i'd have 3 series damn. That thinking gives me space to experiment in my interest anyways.
I wonder why. This solid cold heart was suddenly unlocked by this girl that i talk to rarely, perhaps once a month? It may be a short crush but it was a refreshing release. I still wonder. When will i find that 'her'... Maybe after i start to settle. Gosh that's a full 20 years later...
I wanna ice skate. I wanna play guitar. I wanna sit back and relax. I wanna enjoy with someone but damn... I'm not a social butterfly or anything near half of that. I'm a hermit.
It was about this boy around the age of 4? He was playing with the other kids all right. But his eyes, the aura he gave off was different. There was this melancholy about him that when he wanted to play with the other kids they group away from him instinctively.This scared me, that when he was alone after the day he stared of into space, thinking...and those eyes. Those were the same as a war veteran. So much hateful intent and jealousy. It was the eyes of clarity, of someone who was taught to lament about things he couldn't come to understand in at least a decade. Then...it hit me that somehow i could understand that little boy and why he felt that way. I forgotten the last time my heart softened so much. Something similar went through me and i knew somehow my mindset was much, much more different from the rest. I was never meant to settle. I know deep down now that i'm a hermit. Someone that enjoys lonliness. I guess my joy will be travelling the world alone, seeing the world myself and living alone until my heart says otherwise. I've learnt so much alone and as much i would want someone to be with me i don't think they would want to have such a precarious lifestyle. I mean, it is really tiring for me even when i travel around for long what more someone who's already accustomed to settlement. I move around learning from everything i see, my teachers are what i see and what other's would call me crazy for. A pebble teaches me about fortitude and silence while a bird in the sky teaches me about survival and freedom. A flowing river teaches me to hold my emotions and that things will keep on changing while the stars tell me that no matter what, whether you can see them or not they will always be there. Who said you ever need human teachers when you have these professors everywhere?
It's nice being educated by education, but i think it's more important to learn about the world than the math infront of you. One day tacts and a glib tongue will be more useful to save your life than using athrimethics infront of people ready to harm.
An old quote once said this
"So many people forget to look up in the sky once in a while to slow down and see that life is passing by you faster than you keep time" -Unknown
I spend every night after work to sit by the river to think and that makes me grow. I spent so many years thinking already...i think if i ever wrote them down i'd have 3 series damn. That thinking gives me space to experiment in my interest anyways.
I wonder why. This solid cold heart was suddenly unlocked by this girl that i talk to rarely, perhaps once a month? It may be a short crush but it was a refreshing release. I still wonder. When will i find that 'her'... Maybe after i start to settle. Gosh that's a full 20 years later...
I wanna ice skate. I wanna play guitar. I wanna sit back and relax. I wanna enjoy with someone but damn... I'm not a social butterfly or anything near half of that. I'm a hermit.
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